Avoid Self-Sabotage In Therapy By Boosting Your Self-Esteem

Since starting my practice in 2016, I’ve talked to over 250 clients over some 4000 hours. And one subject that keeps coming up is how good self-esteem is connected to success in therapy sessions.

So how does that work?

People go to therapy sessions for various reasons. If you’re caring for someone who’s sick or starting your own company, a therapy session is the perfect safe space to have an open chat about your thoughts and emotions.

Or perhaps you have identified an issue and want to make changes.  Like you want to manage your anxiety better. Or you’re bulimic and want to stop binging and purging. Or you want to stop falling into toxic relationships.

All of these are perfectly common issues but here’s where it gets tricky: if you want to figure out what’s going on, you have to look into yourself and figure out how you think and behave.

And this is where self-esteem comes in.

Self-esteem is what we think, feel, and believe about ourselves. If you have good self-esteem, you know you’re human, which means you’re nicely flawed, just like everyone else, good bits and less good bits, all mixed up.

With good self-esteem, you dig inside yourself and say, “this bit of me I like and keep”, “this bit of me I don’t like so much, but I’ll keep it and call it a feature” and “that bit of me I’m not keen on so I’m going to change it.”

And the thing is, with good self-esteem, you can be as loving about the bits of you that you don’t like very much as you can about the rest of you.

If you have low self-esteem, you don’t believe in yourself, and you have that nagging feeling that you’re unworthy, a failure, or not quite right. And that leads to self-sabotage.

Self-sabotage refers to behaviour or thinking that stops you from doing what you want to do.

Like, if you’re caring for someone who’s sick and you know you’re burning out and feeling angry, hopeless and helpless, talking it through will help. But self-sabotage will whisper, “You should be an angel of mercy! What if they think you’re selfish or wicked?” And then those fears stop you from reaching out.

Of if you’re bulimic, self-sabotage will have you thinking, “If I can’t change immediately and without backsliding in three sessions, it proves I’m beyond hope.” And as changing habits and mindsets isn’t a 1-2-3, you’re essentially setting yourself up for failure.

What is particularly nasty about low self-esteem and self-sabotage is that after they’ve made sure you fail, they combine to whisper, “told you so; you suck” and then you’re afraid to try again.

So, how can you help yourself? 

First, know three truths:

#1 You’re human, imperfect and that’s okay

#2 Be as kind to yourself as you are to others

#3 When your inner critic starts up, recognise it as stress talking and distract yourself. Make tea, pet the cat, walk the dog, clean a drawer, sing a song, whatever

And for a nice self-esteem boost, try this positive qualities exercise:

#1 Pick four of your positive qualities (here are some ideas)

Adventurous    Ambitious   Appreciative   Artistic   Brave  Calm  Charming  Clean  Clever  Considerate  Courageous  Curious  Decisive  Easygoing  Empathetic  Enthusiastic  Ethical  Fashionable  Forgiving  Frank  Friendly  Grateful  Helpful Honest  Humble  Humorous  Imaginative  Independent  Individualistic  Interesting  Kind  Leader  Logical  Loyal  Mature  Neat  Open-minded  Optimistic  Patient  Reasonable  Resilient  Responsible  Romantic  Self-confident  Self-disciplined  Thoughtful

#2 Two or three times a week, look back over the last 48 hours and see where you displayed your four positive qualities.

So if you picked humorous, you might say, “Yesterday I cheered up my friend by telling her my rabbit joke.” Talk to yourself, or journal, it doesn’t matter how you do it – as long as you do it.

It may feel a bit weird, especially if you’re used to being mean to yourself, but keep at it. This exercise will focus your mind on your good points in a regular, constructive manner and that will give you a bit of a boost.

Remember: the more accepting you are of yourself, the easier it will be to make the changes you want.

I hope you found this interesting.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

What's up, Doc? Telling The Pros From The Quacks

 

Doctor, patient, diagnose – they’re powerful words that imply Science, Medicine and a certain reliability and objectivity.  But if you’re not standing in your doctor’s office, I strongly suggest you’re a bit careful.

There’s a chiropractor just down the road from me who wears a lab coat, calls herself “Doctor” and calls her clients “patients.” She also “diagnoses” her clients with various ailments.

I came across her because she terrified one of my friends with her “medical advice.”

So here are some facts:

Anyone with a PhD is a doctor. You can get a PhD in lots of subjects from Astronomy to Zoology.

Medical Degree holders are called Doctor – although they don’t usually have PhDs.

Vets are called Doctor although they don’t have Medical Degrees and usually not PhDs either.

There are lots of professions with their own courses that confer Doctor titles. This includes chiropractors, people who use massage techniques and exercise for healing.

Does it matter?

Chiropractors can be very helpful and healing, and a PhD in zoology might have some insight into human health too. I have consulted my vet for my own health and had some excellent advice (‘cause I’m a cow 😊)

However, they are not medical doctors.

Transparent and honest professional people will tell you, “I’m Dr Jane, I have a PhD in physiotherapy but I’m not a medical doctor.”  Or they just say, “I’m Jane, I have a PhD in physiotherapy.” They also avoid words like “diagnose” and “patient”.

Should we restrict who can call themselves Doctor?

Frankly, I don’t care what people call themselves, as long as they are transparent about their qualifications.

I run a mile from a chiropractor with a white coat who calls herself “doctor”, just as I run a mile from a clinical psychologist who calls her clients “patients.” I avoid them because anyone who uses souped up words like these is pretending to have training that they don’t have.

I find that misrepresentation extremely concerning. I don't trust people like that.

As there are lots of different doctors about, and social media doesn’t check credentials, I’m extremely careful of what I believe online. I ask a lot of questions and it’s surprising how many shady types are out there without a medical degree are giving “medical advice”.  

Here’s what to know about mental health professionals.

A psychiatrist is a doctor, a person with a medical degree and also a specialist. They specialise in diagnosing and treating mental illness. As they are doctors, they can prescribe medicine.

Every other kind of mental health professional, whether they are psychologists, therapists, counsellors, psychoanalysts, psychotherapists, or other titles, are not medical doctors. They cannot prescribe medicine or sell you supplements. (And if they tell you that supplements are part of therapy, they’re scamming you.

As for my titles, I have a Master’s Degree, so you can call me Mistress 😊 Kidding! I’m not a doctor of any kind.

I have a Bachelors of Science with Honours in Psychology from Stirling University, Scotland and a Masters with Distinction in Counselling from Open University Malaysia. I’m also a member of some fancy schmancy organisations like the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy but I don’t put that anywhere except for my invoices because I don’t want people to be thinking MBACP means I’m a doc. Also, I make it very clear that I cannot diagnose, and I have plain clients who call me Ellen.

I hope you find this interesting. Tell me what you think in the comments?

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

Insider Therapist Tips: My Three Dos and One Don’t For Coping With Stress

 

I work with people who are anxious and depressed. Many are victims of violence. Some are suicidal. Here are three things I do and one thing I avoid to keep myself balanced.

1. Confide in my cats, Target, Tic Tac and Inkie. Talking things through with the furry ones is pawsome because they don't gossip. 

 

In addition, stroking their soft fur makes me happy and their purrs are an extra boost.

Tic Tac, the therapist is in!

2. Cook. Actually, I want to write more but when work is really tough, I don't have the mental stamina to work on my fiction. Instead, I am creative in the kitchen. 

 

I chop rainbows of veg and trying out lots of different dried herbs (simple and cheap!) so I get pretty and flavourful as well as lots of vitamins. 

 

Plus, the chopping helps me get out some of the stress. It's amazing how restful it can be to dice an onion while muttering about idiotic politicians

3. Analysing all of my "shoulds" and dropping the ones that make no sense. 

 

Many of the things we do are not really necessary; we do them out of habit. 

 

Like, I was checking my neighbour's place every day because I used to look after her cat. Now the cat gas been relocated, it's a crazy waste of time. 

 

I now go after it rains only. Saves me 10 minutes a day which doesn't seem much but it's 5 hours every single month - I'm investing that half a day in hanging out and having fun :-)

The one thing I absolutely avoid is mindfulness. Some people like that technique and find it useful, but others find mindfulness sends them into a dark spiral. I'm not spiritual and I spend enough time with my thoughts during the day, so I practice distraction to manage my stress.

If you have stress-busting habits you enjoy, feel free to comment.<- takes you to my FB post

Coping With Difficult Emotions: Anger, Grief and Hopelessness

 Notes:

Why do we have emotions?
Suggestion: emotions are notifications, they tell us about our inner world and our environment

What are emotions telling us?
Suggestion:  scared is a notification of danger, anger is a notification of injustice/disrespect

BUT Emotions are not always reliable/accurate
If you're hungry, you might become angry = hangry so your body influences emotions
Also, how much you like someone can influences emotions

So while emotions are not always reliable, what should you do with anger, grief and hopelessness?
Can you be human without experiencing all emotions?

Suggestion: feel your emotions, figure out what they are telling you. But remember that you choose how you act. Your behaviour is under your control.

When you feel anger, grief, hopelessness, think and then actively de-stress. Pet the cat, go for a walk, water the plants

Why EMDR And Other Pseudoscience Hangs Around

When Prince Harry Talked About EMDR, My Heart Sank

People talking about mental health is usually great for getting folks off the couch and into help. But when they promote quackery, they do harm.

“But EMDR’s backed by the NHS,” you might say. Yes—and the lobotomy was once hailed as brilliant, earning its inventor a Nobel Prize. (Extreme? Sure, but it gets your attention.)

I’m not trashing the profession. I’m explaining the issues so you can make informed choices. We humans get ridiculously attached to ideas—EMDR included—and knowing why can save you time, money, and heartbreak.

Psychology Evolves

Critical evaluation is key

Theories rise and fall. Take Alfred Adler’s claim that birth order shapes personality. It was popular for years until evidence disproved it. Yet the idea lingers—oddly comforting, like blaming sibling rivalry for everything.

Why do ideas like EMDR (“reprocess your trauma with some eye jazz”) stick around even when evidence says it’s basically fancy exposure and cognitive behavioural therapy used by therapists for decades?

1. Understanding Research Takes Training

Evaluating studies requires knowing how sampling, statistics, and context affect results. Academics specialise, and even they struggle to keep up. I focus on depression, anxiety, and abuse. Hand me a paper on autism, and I’m lost—it’s like a marathon runner trying to sail.

EMDR got traction because its creator promoted it well. “Quick results!” sounds irresistible, even when the shine fades.

2. New Ideas Take Years to Test

Once people invest in them, it’s hard to let go. EMDR’s been around since 1987—people built careers on it. Sunk cost, darling.

3. The Public Gets Attached Too

Someone always benefits from any new therapy. Add a celeb endorsement (thanks, Harry), and it feels personal: “I felt lighter after!” We cling to the win, ignoring who it doesn’t help.

So when professionals point out flaws, people get defensive. Explaining why something’s bogus is hard, and “because I said so” doesn’t cut it.

4. Crooks and Cons Market Nonsense Brilliantly

They promise quick fixes with scientific-sounding fluff, set up “schools,” and crown themselves gurus. Faced with, “We’re learning, but I’ll do my best,” versus “Guaranteed cure, pay here,” it’s tempting to buy the snake oil.

We crave certainty. EMDR offers that illusion—“Follow my finger, rewire your brain!”—and it sells.

5. Speaking Out Gets Ugly

Professionals who challenge quackery face backlash from loud defenders. Whistle-blowers burn out, while institutions cave under pressure. Even hospitals run “alternative therapy” departments now. Hello, NHS—you coward. And you too, APA and BACP. 

EMDR’s mob is real; critics get buried under “you’re just jealous” noise. 

6. Some Professionals Join the Dark Side

Selling pseudoscience is easier and pays better. I know psychologists and doctors who ditched real practice to peddle nonsense. Sometimes I think I should hike my fees and sell NLP, EMDR, and dream readings—but I couldn’t face the mirror.

The Bottom Line

Telling what’s real takes work. Truth evolves, controversy thrives, and our attachment to hope keeps nonsense alive.

If you want to try EMDR, that’s your call. It won’t hurt you physically, just your wallet. But it may keep you chasing shadows when plain exposure therapy and CBT does the same job without the sparkle.

If you’d rather work with evidence-based approaches that actually stick, let’s chat. I’m a qualified psychotherapist (BSc Hons Psychology, Master’s in Counselling with Distinction). I handle the research so you can focus on healing. No scams, no sparkle—just real progress.

Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.

Want New Insight? Use This Easy Perspective Exercise

We tend to be awesome at advising friends, but when it comes to giving ourselves good advice, it can be a different story. This is because we tend not to see our own situation clearly.

We find it hard to advise ourselves for many reasons, including:
"    Our self-image, "I should be XYZ" gets in the way
"    Our inner fears sabotage us
"    We can't analyse other people's behaviour clearly because we our feelings about them get in the way

A perspective exercise helps you step away and gain a fresh perspective. This is how it works.

Suppose Rachel has a problem that goes like this. "I am in a relationship with John, and we've been dating for three months. We're exclusive and we're getting along really well. He's hot and sweet and sexy and I think he is The Real Thing. 

So, he disappears from time to time. I thought he was at the library, studying, but then I walked past Starbucks and there he was WITH HIS EX!!! My heart just died. I had no idea he was still seeing her."

Step 1: Tell your story, but tell it as if it's happening to other people.

Pro tip #1: it helps to switch genders around so you get rid of gender stereotyping issues
Pro tip #2: make up names of people you don't know, so you see them as strangers

"Fred is in a relationship with Julie. They have been dating for three months. They're exclusive. One day Fred thinks Julie is at the library but when he walks past Starbucks, he sees Julie having coffee with her ex. This surprises him as he didn't realise Julie was still in touch with him."

Step 2: examine the story and identify the underlying issue. "Fred is surprised because Julie is talking to her ex. It may be because he feels his partner hid information. And he may also be jealous or insecure."

Step 3: give good advice to the people in the story.
Pro tip #3: It helps to do this in bullet points

"    You fear she is hiding information from you but you are jumping to conclusions: she may have just bumped into him
"    Why do you feel unsettled by her seeing her ex for a coffee? What exactly are you worried about?
"    Also, how do you feel about exes in general? Note: people have the right to friendships, and that includes friendships with exes.
"    Fred should talk openly to Julie about the issue.  Then they need to work out how to communicate better

Step 4: now examine your issue again and see if the advice you gave applies to yourself.

Of course, this looks much easier than it is. It can be quite hard to tell your story as if it's happening to other people - and you have to be super good about not framing the story so that you give yourself the advice you secretly want to follow ??

But on the whole, I find this a super useful exercise and it gets easier as you practice. So have a go and let me know what you think

Image by Daniel Reche from Pixabay

"Help! My Friend Was Abused." What To Say, A Multicultural Perspective

When your friend or colleague tells you they were abused, are you stuck for words? Here are some ideas for how to communicate as an ally.

Before you start, understand that violence and abuse are common.

Statistics from the World Health Organisation:
7% of men were sexually abused before age 18
20% of women were sexually abused before age 18
25% of adults have a history of being physically abused as kids
50% of kids today have suffered from violence in the last year

Consequences of violence:
It's not just physical harm. Victims suffer from low self-esteem, anxiety, depression and other mental health issues as well as physical damage.

Why violence continues:
Violence is passed down through families. A kid that is abused is more likely to learn this behaviour and then abuse their own kids.

There is no easy quick fix. To stop violence, we must all work together.

#1 Thing to do: listen with compassion
Those statistics show that this is a common problem but there is a massive conspiracy of silence. It takes huge courage for victims to speak out. So when they do, listen with love.

#2 Don't suggest forgiveness
Why is there a conspiracy of silence? Because victims who speak up are told, "They didn't mean it" and "Those were different times" and "You should forgive."

Anyone who says "You should forgive" and makes excuses is really saying, "I'm totally okay with people abusing you." <- don't do this.

#3 Don't ask for details
Making people relive trauma is cruel.

Also, it can come across as judgmental, as if you get to decide what is abuse and what isn't. Unless you happen to be the sitting judge in a court case, you don't get to decide.

#4 Do say, "I'm sorry this happened to you."
Victims are used to being blamed, dismissed and hurt, so let them hear your support.

#5 Don't ask why they didn't leave or fight back
Because it sounds like, "You were asking for it."

#6 Ask, "What can I do to support you?"
And accept that sometimes the answer is, "Just listen."

#7 Inch forward and accept there are no solid rules.
There's a lot of narrative that says "Call rape, rape" and "Call out the perpetrators." With respect, that's great stuff for privileged people.

For some people, that direct vocabulary can be triggering. And the mere idea of calling out a violent person can have victims panicking. This is especially true in societies where victims of abuse are murdered or jailed.

Just be gentle, listen and let them talk.

#8 Say, "You didn't do anything wrong" and "You are the victim in this."
Because guilt comes from punishment. We tend to think that guilt follows wrongdoing but that is very much not true. 

Guilt comes from pain, from hurt, from danger. So victims need to hear that they are not to blame. That they're good people, and victims.

#9 If the victim is up for it, and it is safe to do so in your society, offer to help source them help.
Telling the story is exhausting. So if your friend or colleague is tired, you can offer to sort through available support groups (NGOs, government departments etc) and get help.

Note: not all support systems are good. Some exist to blame victims. So as the friend, be certain to weed out the black hats. Check around, ask questions, search social media to see what these groups post and how people talk about them.  

I hope this helps 💙 

Photo credit: Alexas