How To Be Happy: Culture Filters How We Think About And Treat Depression And Anxiety

 

Tic Tac's idea of happiness is a paper bag

Feeling dull and can’t get out of bed? Must be depression. Can’t sit still or stop talking? That’s anxiety. Ticking boxes makes it all seem so cut and dried, but did you know that culture influences how we experience mental health?

Mental health practitioners working in melting pot communities (like Malaysia!) talk among themselves about how different groups experience and treat mental health.

 

With the pandemic fuelling public interest, this is an excellent time to open up discussion. That way, we can all make more informed decisions.

 

I’m a counsellor and psychotherapist working online with private clients from Malaysia, Singapore, Hong Kong, Australia, the USA, and other countries. Since I opened my practice in 2016, I’ve worked with some 250 people over roughly 4500 hours.

 

Here are three insights from this work about depression and anxiety.

 

Losing your pleasure in food. When your friend tells you about a fantastic laksa stall and you’re normally a fan but are not champing at the bit to check it out, figure out why.

 

If just the thought of taking time out has you worried about work or chores, it may be a sign of stress, burnout, or anxiety.

 

Not having the energy to go, skipping meals because you’ve lost your appetite, or deciding for no reason that it probably isn’t that good anyway, can all be signs of low mood or depression.

 

At prayers or meditation, you focus on your faults. Reflection can be a powerful force for good mental health, but if you find you are skipping celebrating the little joys, and going to town with hypercritical self-analysis, you risk pushing yourself into a spiral of negativity.

 

Spiralling and catastrophising, imagining the worst possible outcomes in your imagination, are associated with anxiety and depression. This is why journaling, an excellent exercise for many, can backfire if you suffer from these issues.

 

A practical first step is to restrict yourself to prayers and meditation designed to uplift, while you figure out what’s going on.

 

You are constantly scolding or quarrelling. Irritation, annoyance, and anger are key emotions that give us insight into ourselves and our environment. Usually, we feel angry when we perceive injustice. If you’re queueing nicely and someone pushes in front, feeling irritation is perfectly healthy!

 

But constant anger is uncomfortable and a sign of trouble. As the body and mind work together, a simple first check is to make sure you are drinking enough water and eating properly. It’s amazing how ratty we can get on a hot day when we’ve skipped a cup of tea and a snack.

 

If it’s not that, consider that anger can also be a reaction to feeling powerless or hopeless. These feelings may arise from specific events in your life or be symptoms of depression and anxiety. Sometimes, it’s all of the above.

  

Therapy approaches are cultural too

In the world of mental health, medication is the province of psychiatrists, medical doctors who specialise in diagnosing and treating mental illness.

 

Everyone else, therapists, counsellors, and psychologists like me, are not medical doctors. We specialise in talk therapy. We cannot prescribe medicine or sell you supplements. (Anyone who tells you that supplements are part of talk therapy is scamming you.)

 

When you see a psychiatrist and take a pill, the medication works the same no matter if you’re a Buddhist from Miri or a Christian from Penang.

 

But with talk therapy, it’s useful to build approaches with culturally appropriate elements.

 

My number one tip is based on the fact that Malaysia favours group culture. Therefore, connecting with your support group is valuable.  Working out which friends can help you with what, while maintaining privacy, is practical and effective.

 

As for anxiety, I'm a huge fan of the traditional cup of ginger tea.

 

Studies show that ginger has medicinal properties thanks to gingerol, its main bioactive component. While the jury is out on how much gingerol soothes nausea and promotes mood stabilising hormones, it’s simple, cheap and, for many Malaysians, associated with feel-good memories.    

If you have medical conditions, check with your doctor first. But otherwise, drop a slice of fresh ginger into your next cuppa. Alternatively, a half teaspoon of plain powdered shop-bought spice will work just as well. 

Put your feet up, embrace the moment, and be happy.

Job Hunting? Joining in the Big Resign? Some Thoughts About CV Writing My Clients Found Helpful

In therapy sessions where clients are changing jobs, we talk about career objectives, learning from past career experiences, and we model tricky conversations so you go into your interview empowered. Sometimes, we also talk about CVs. 

Note: In my other life, I worked as a freelance writer from 1996 and 2014, selling more than 3000 articles in over 12 countries to clients including Women's Weekly, Her World, Cleo, South China Morning Post, Japan Times, and the Straits Times. My work was syndicated by Planet Syndication in the UK.

Today I write columns for the Star newspaper in Malaysia and boutique content for corporations.  

So writing is something I love, and sometimes a session devolves into coaching where we work on wording CVs. 

This blog post is a quick chat about some useful web sites for that.

Today's CVs are achievement oriented. Also, more companies are using artificial intelligence to sift through applications, so your submission may never be seen by human eyes.

Don't worry!  You've got this. It's just a matter of getting into the right headspace.

Step #1: it's all about 'what can you do for me' and 'show me the money'

Specifically, they want to know what you accomplished, how you did it, and what benefit it brought to the company.

So not: managed a team of three responsible for streamlining accounting process
But: my team developed an inhouse app that cut accounting costs by streamlining accounting process

Adding numbers helps!
Ideal: my team developed an inhouse app that cut accounting costs by 8% saving the company $40,000 by streamlining accounting process

Google calls it the XYZ rule. You can read about that here

Get at least one achievement sentence down per job or position.

To slide through AI: think SEO

Step #2: check sample CVs for your industry to see what's hot

Cruise LinkedIn and see who's just landed a job you want. Peek at their CV or ask to see it. Then edit your CV.

You can also get sample CVs here, and a list of Malaysian headhunters organized by industry

Step #3: O*NET is a free career web site that has cheat sheets listing skills that are needed to ace jobs. You can use these to help push the AI to love you

Look at the search box in the top right corner and type programmer

Click on any job title, eg software developer, and click on the tab that says Details. Then cut and paste what works for you, e.g., Data base user interface and query software and Collaborate with others to resolve information technology issues

Also note, if you want to move into a related field, O*NET is a useful place to start exploring where you can go

PS O*NET is based on John Holland's career theories that were hot in the 1950s. In terms of scientific theory, there are issues. Therefore, don't take it as Science or Fact. Instead, see it as a useful start for thinking things through

I hope you find this useful. If you want some help with prepping for a career change or interview, you know how to find me

Credit: Image by Oli Lynch from Pixabay

"My house flooded. Why do I feel guilty?" A Psychotherapist Explains

When the rain started, it felt like just another monsoon. Inconvenient, but not particularly worrying.

But this year, the water just kept on coming. And coming. And coming.

Cars were swamped. First floors were inundated. Some second floors went under too. Old folks died of cold and exposure. Pets were killed, some horrifically trapped by cages or chains and drowned slowly.

In the aftermath, a whirlwind of emotions. Why did this happen to me? And It is my fault. I should have known this would happen. Maybe you are angry too, especially if you flood again a day later.

While your rational self should point out that you don't have fortune telling powers, the emotions can be overwhelming. So here are some thoughts about what's going on.   

Just World Guilt
As sensible adults, we know that the world is a dangerous and random place. Good people are stricken by disease, and evil dictators live long, happy lives. It's not fair and we have to suck it up.

However, a part of us continues to believe that good things happen to good people, and that we reap what we sow. Mainly, it comes down to lessons from our elders when we're little.

The idea that we control our future starts really early. Remember hearing, "If you study hard, you'll pass your exams"?  When we're kids that advice seems true because pre-uni school is mostly a memory game. If you put in the time and learn to parrot, you get an A.

The idea that we control good stuff is constantly reinforced. "If you get enough sleep, you will have energy in the morning" and "If you practice at tennis/football/swimming, you'll get to be really good."

Subconsciously, this leads to the idea of a Just World. In this Just World, good things happen to good and careful people. Which doesn't seem a big deal, except that it has a nasty sting in the tail: if bad things happen, is it because you are a bad or careless person?

Logic says no, but the heart isn't always reasonable.

Just World thinking leads to self-blame. It's illogical but it's so deeply ingrained, that it's hard to shift. What's worse, it affects how others treat us too.

Victim blaming pushes the wrong message home
As we tend to share the same background, growing up with thinking that we invited bad luck, a second nasty effect of Just World syndrome is victim blaming.

When others see that bad things have happened to their good friend, they don't like it. It's a reminder that the world is random and that bad stuff can happen any time to anyone.

When random disaster strikes, sensible types think rationally and say, "Shit happens. How can I help you?"

Sadly, the not so bright ones try to figure out how you 'broke the rules'.  <- yes, you read that right. Some people act as though you can charm away bad juju.

The most common example involves the person who is mugged, raped or attacked. A sensible person says, "A predator targeted you. Are you okay?" whereas the not so bright person asks, "Where were you? What were you wearing? What side of the road were you on? Didn't you spot him? What time of day was it?"

A kind interpretation is that they're hoping that to avoid being attacked themselves. But when you're tired and you're a victim, it's tempting to say, "Bog off, you victim-blaming moron." And if you do, people complain that you're the bad one, which is doubly annoying.

My take: when someone is hurting, don't ask damn fool questions. Offer help or shut up.

So, why am I angry? And feeling guilty?
In times of stress, our emotions surge. We typically feel fear because there is danger, anger because there is injustice, and helplessness because we're all caught up in events.

Other feelings like guilt and shame may come join the party too. The guilt it totally misplaced. Because of Just World ideas, we believe on some level that we invited trouble. Same goes for the shame. It too comes from that false idea that we deserve our bad luck.

Basically, you have emotions because you are reacting to the events in your environment.

But I suggest that you cannot trust these emotions.

Furthermore, stress, anxiety and depression are linked. When you're really tired, you get mood swings. You soldier through, energetic as you cope and clean and appear cheery, but then there's a dip.

And when you're in that dip, it can come with low mood thinking. That's when you believe you're a twit, you're doomed, you're making a mess of your life….  It's nonsense. Dark thoughts brought on by being over-tired and over-stressed.

Generally speaking, women are socialised to weep at this point and men are socialised to become angry. (I won't go into why, that's for another time) Practically speaking, we can do both, which is why quarrelling is always mega during disaster times. Also when putting together furniture, which is why IKEA fuels so many divorce level fights.

Suggestion: feel what you feel, but try not to take it to heart. If you're feeling snappy, sleep, eat and take a walk. And go easy with people who are snippy.

Help yourself by remembering the big truths:
Life is random.
People who order war and genocide tend to live in lovely homes. You are not being punished by the universe for whatever sins you've committed.
You are not clairvoyant.

And remember the practicalities of trying to predict weather:
Yes, we have floods. Can you predict them? Meh.
You might live on a hill and in the centre of town and have a blocked drain, leading to your hilltop home flooding.
But you might live by the beach or river and be okay.
Or you might live in an area that was once dry, but shifting rivers, destroyed forests, and other events have changed that.
Or your home has been okay for years, and it will be okay for years to come, except for when it rains more than normal. And this year you were just damn unlucky.

Bottom line: it will pass and you will recover. Also, with so many people losing homes and suffering property damage, there should be a shift in water management. Hopefully. Agitate for change in this area. Insist politicians do some work.

When to seek mental health aid
Generally speaking, you should be upset. This is a horrible time and you are quite right to feel nervous, sadness, grief, helplessness and anger.

However, prolonged stress can lead to anxiety, depression, and various forms of shock, now fashionably called PTSD.  

If you are having trouble with your feelings for more than two weeks, check in with a psychologist, therapist or mental health practitioner. Two to three sessions over a fortnight should result in some effective positive change.

And if you want, discuss if you should chat with a psychiatrist, a medical doctor who deals with mental health issues. A decent mental health professional will always tell you if in their opinion it's worth having a chat about meds. And although we're not doctors, we can suggest a few things to read when considering medication, so you can ask good questions and make informed decisions.

I hope this helps.

Note: Image by Tri Le from Pixabay





 

Dealing With The Horror Question, “When are you going to have kids?”

It drives so many of us nuts, but some people insist on being rude and asking personal questions. 

We chose not to have kids, so this one comes from the heart.

 

Here are some extra notes:

Alternatives to "Mind your own business" from the bluntest to the politest

My sex life and fertility status are private
You ask this every time we meet. Tell you what, when something changes, I'll let you know
Why do you need to know?
I don't know. So, what's new with you?
When the time is right. So, seen any good films recently?

If you want to opt for schooling them

About 10% to 15% of Malaysian couples have fertility issues. Therefore, that question is considered rude/insensitive.

If you want to communicate openly

Statement of emotion
"I don't know. And frankly, I dread this question. It spoils parties for me, and holidays."

Block their arguing
"I'm not discussing it anymore."

Direct to action/new behaviour
"Please, don't ask me again. Don't talk to me about it."

Refocus:
"So, what's new with you?"

Enforce the boundary by walking away if they persist.

Resetting Career Priorities After The Pandemic - Two Things That Worked And One Thing That Didn't

Every August I have a think about my therapy practice and figure out what I want from the next 12 months. Last year I focused on picking up some new skills; this year I am focusing on growing my business.

To do that successfully, I had to consider my lifestyle, my other activities, and fit it all together.  The huge challenge is the pandemic. Continuing lockdowns and flareups in various countries create merry hell with the economy, and the uncertainty makes it tough to plan.

Even so, it's the end of the first quarter, and I'm hitting my goals, so here are some thoughts. If you're planning a reset in 2022, I hope this will be of use to you.

What really worked super well #1: Clearing my mind of all the things that I kind of like but don't really need, and being brutal about not doing things that I maybe 'should' be doing but that I really don't want to.

This prep was fundamental. It came in two flavours: work and social.

Work: In the last few years I've had various revenue streams, and it's tempting to hang on to all of them. I listed them all, and looked at Return On Investment, ROI, to see how much work I put into every dollar earned.

I dumped all the ones that weren't giving good returns. I thought I'd freak about this, but it was surprisingly relieving.

Social: I realized during the first year of the pandemic that I find social occasions quite draining. I love small chats with small groups of people, but I don't like big gatherings. Also, I hate traffic jams.

I have stopped going to weddings and parties. And all my in-person socializing is now kept to one day a month. BUT, I have regular WhatsApp calls with friends, three to four times a week.

I thought this might be really awful, but it turns out so many people feel overwhelmed, that this worked out great.  

I also always say no to meeting strangers in person. Whenever there's a business person who wants to talk about an opportunity blah blah blah…. They get a strictly timed Zoom or a WhatsApp chat that lasts a few minutes. I may be missing opportunities but that's where the next bit comes in.

Bottom line: Getting rid of a lot of emotional burden that didn't pay off was a good move. It's left me energized to get cracking on the next thing.

What really worked super well #2:  Setting a one sentence goal.

Usually, I try to fit various things in but this year I had one goal only. I decided that what I really want is to have two stable revenue streams. That is a split between the psychology and the corporate writing.

It boiled down to this basic:  "To have 18 to 22 client hours a week, and to maintain the writing contract I have at the present level."

The writing is what it is, and there's nothing to do there except for set aside the hours it takes to service the contact.

All my energy is therefore aimed at the therapy business. I was aiming at a 15% increase, which was doable in terms of time as I dumped the low-return writing clients. But it means I had to recruit new therapy clients.

To get that going means maintaining a certain level of marketing - just a little to trickle in new business but not too much because I am one person and can only take on a certain amount of work.

Also, I focus on depression and anxiety, but I want to make sure I have a spread of work (relationships, career issues, relocation issues etc) so I stay fresh. That means I have to adjust my marketing regularly.

I'm there most weeks, and if I keep doing what I'm doing, it'll be fine - as long as the economy is stable, and as long as the pandemic doesn't flare up again.

What completely crashed and burned: being too reactive

Initially, I was seeing what was what every few days. I should have known that's not right because big picture thinking is the stuff of longterm success. So I dropped a loop there.

With my business, I need to make a monthly goal, and to note holidays which impact on client hours too.

Also, marketing tends to take two months or so to kick in, and some of it needs two or three repeats. So some of the things I did in September won't be visible until December or even January.  

I have learned to sit back and not look at how I'm doing every day or even every week. I'm looking every few weeks now and by mid-2022, I plan to be looking just once a month to every six weeks.

Overall though, it's worked well and I'm really happy. I am on FB a bit less on my busy weeks, but I see you all more on the less busy weeks.

To sum up: being ruthless about streamlining, being super focused on a very tight goal, and then stepping back is working for me.

Let me know what you think.
 

It's Okay To Be Not Okay Post-Pandemic

Are you worried that you're not 'back to normal' with the lifting of the lockdowns? If so, you're not alone. Also, I think you should not worry about not being as you were pre-pandemic. Here's why.

We're being told that going out of lockdown = normal. No, it's not.

When we go out, everyone is wearing masks. It means we can't see expressions, and it reminds us of the pandemic. Not normal.

Also, everywhere you go, you have to check in, take temperatures and there are police and guards all over. Not normal.

If you're at work, there are SOPs, probably more masks, and you're constantly aware of having to maintain distance. Plus, you may be worrying that someone is infectious. Very stressful. Not normal.

Finally, if you do meet with friends, it's likely a part of the conversation is about the pandemic. While it's natural, that topic also reinforces the fact that we're in a pandemic. The tail-end of one, but still a pandemic.

So, my suggestion is this:

• Things are not normal.
• It's perfectly okay to feel what you feel.
• Accept that having feelings is a good thing. Being human means having feelings.
• Also, as emotions and feelings are notifications about your inner world and your environment, try to figure out exactly what you're feeling.  You may be uncertain, fearful, angry, sad, intent - whatever it is, just see what is going on with you.
• Once you figure out what your emotions are telling you, help yourself cope. This can be tricky because it's intensely personal. But usually, knowing what's going on, plus a bit of breathing, and distraction (pet the cat! Talk to a friend!) can work wonders.
• But most of all, know that your reactions are perfectly okay. This is not normal times.

PS if you need help figuring out coping strategies, contact me. We can work it out together

Note: Image by Bella H. from Pixabay

Should You Pay for Someone's Therapy? Read This First

Ellen Whyte, gift certificates for therapy sessions

Someone you love is struggling. You want to help. You're thinking of offering to pay for their therapy.

It's a generous gesture, and it can be life-changing. But it's also more complicated than it seems.

In my decade of private practice working with clients across 20+ countries, I've seen well-meaning offers to pay for therapy backfire, and I've also seen them change lives. Here's how to get it right.

Why Paying Directly for Someone's Therapy Can Backfire

When someone knows someone else is paying for their therapy, they often feel guilty. "I should be able to handle this myself." That shame can make them rush through therapy, hoping to "fix themselves" quickly to avoid wasting your money.

I've had clients who received open-ended offers to pay for therapy from parents or partners. They felt so guilty about the cost that they tried to "graduate" after three sessions, long before they were ready. They watched the clock, worried about the expense, and couldn't relax into the work we needed to do.

But good therapy takes time, space, and calm, not pressure.

Then there's privacy. Mental health is deeply personal, and even when the giver means well, the receiver might feel watched. They may feel obliged to explain how it's going, or feel judged if they don't show enough progress. That's a heavy burden when you're already struggling.

It's easy to forget that gifts can create pressure, not just gratitude. That's especially true when the gift touches on something as private as mental health.

There's a Better Way: Therapy Gift Vouchers

The solution is therapy gift vouchers. Think of them like a book token. You buy one or more, hand them to your person, and walk away. They use them when (and if) they're ready. And you'll never know if they do, because I won't tell you.

It's support without pressure. Help without watching. A gift that respects their privacy and autonomy.

Here's how therapy gift vouchers solve the problems:

No pressure to perform. The giver doesn't know if or when the vouchers are used. There's no expectation to report back, show progress, or prove the gift was "worth it."

No guilt about cost. There's a set amount. No meter running. The recipient can focus on therapy instead of worrying about wasting someone's money.

Complete privacy. I won't tell the giver anything about whether the vouchers are used or how therapy is going. The recipient's mental health remains entirely their own business.

They choose when they're ready. Sometimes people need time before they're ready for therapy. Vouchers give them that space. They're not forced to start before they're prepared.

When Are Therapy Gift Vouchers Most Helpful?

Gift vouchers are particularly helpful during difficult life transitions like divorce, job loss, bereavement, or major illness, when someone you care about clearly needs support but doesn't know where to start.

They're also popular around holidays and birthdays, when you want to give something meaningful rather than another material gift.

And sometimes, they're simply a way to say "I see you're struggling, and I want you to have access to help if you want it."

What Happens When Someone Uses a Gift Voucher With Me

When someone uses a gift voucher for therapy with me, we start by figuring out what's going on. We work out what's causing their distress, whether it's depression, anxiety, life circumstances, or a combination of factors.

Then we create a customized approach that fits their specific situation. Not a one-size-fits-all method, but tools and strategies tailored to how their struggles show up in their life.

I often combine different therapeutic approaches. For example, I use Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for thought patterns that aren't serving them, and positive psychology techniques to build strengths alongside addressing problems. This creates comprehensive support tailored to each person.

How Therapy Gift Vouchers Work

You purchase vouchers. Contact me and I'll explain the options and help you choose the right amount.

You give them to your person. Just like a book token or gift card. No strings attached.

They use them when they're ready. The vouchers are valid for 6 months. They contact me directly to book sessions.

Their privacy is protected. I won't tell you whether they've used the vouchers, when they book sessions, or anything about our work together. That's between me and them.

If you're reading this and wishing someone would offer you this gift, you can also purchase vouchers for yourself, or send this article to someone who might want to help.

Ready to Purchase Therapy Gift Vouchers?

If you're planning this as a holiday or birthday gift, email me at least a week in advance to ensure everything is arranged in time.

Visit the Gift Vouchers page to purchase, or contact me directly:

Email: ellen.whyte@gmail.com
WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143

If you'd like to give someone this kind of support, I'm here to help you do it right.