Back in the 1980s,
when I was doing my first degree in psychology, I came across a piece of
advice.
Men's Needs, the book
said, run roughly on these lines:
1. Sexual Fulfilment
2. Recreational
Companionship
3. An Attractive
Spouse
4. Domestic Support
5. Admiration
Women's Needs, the
book said, run roughly on these lines:
1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty and
Openness
4. Financial
Commitment
5. Family Commitment
The book was HisNeeds, Her Needs by Willard Harley Jr., a US family therapist, and
published in 1986. If I remember correctly, these lists were compiled from
talking to his clients.
When I read it, part
of me was thinking, “This man is talking to and about white middle class
Americans so how much does this really apply to me?” and also, “Well, it’s not
very scientific, is it?” Also, I wasn’t too convinced
that sex isn’t in the average woman’s top five.
However, the lists did strike me.
How often have you
heard a man moan, “She used to love hearing all about my job successes, but
these days she just doesn’t care!”
That’s him missing admiration.
Or hear a woman say,
“For once I’d like to be able to snuggle without having to a) beg for it, and
b) having to follow it with a bonk!” That’s her missing affection.
Today I still have
issues with the lists (and perhaps by now he’s updated them to reflect modern
life) but I do use them.
My weekends, for
example, are for Us. I know it drives a lot of my friends insane because
weekends in Malaysia are always chock full of weddings, dinners, birthday
parties etc. However, while I value my pals, I value Tom more, and he isn’t
keen on those kinds of events.
So our weekends are
reserved entirely for us. We don’t do anything fancy. Most of the time we have
a nice home cooked special lunch and then a film marathon on Saturdays.
More often than not, we talk all the way through them. For example, at the moment we’re watching Columbo and Lewis and it’s helping us work out the Perfect Murder. We’re pretty sure that if we decided on marital homicide, we’d get away with it.
Weird? Possibly. But
we enjoy it.
On Sundays, we do the
fun lunch again and then we go out. It’s nothing fancy; just our local but we
love it.
Again, we talk up a
storm. It’s yap-yap-yap for two to three hours, about everything from the news
to what’s going on at work. Me, I figure that covers Recreational Support for
him and Conversation for me, plus with the chatter and the dressing up so we
look nice, we cover a lot of the rest of the lists.
It’s not very glam, is
it? But for us, going out to fancy places and doing the romantic wine-and-dine
thing is stressful. We enjoy a home cooked meal in front of the telly and then
a night out a stone’s throw away from home.
It’s what we did when we dated.
And that is, I think,
the essence of the “needs” lists. Dressing up, talking, being affectionate,
open conversations, admiration, commitment, and sex - they’re very reflective
of what happens when you’re dating - or courting, if that is a better
word.
I don’t think there is
such a thing as a recipe for a happy marriage. However, I do believe that many
people forget to transfer the dating aspect of their courtship into their
married life.
If anyone were to ask,
that would be my number one tip for a good relationship: incorporate the things
that made dating work for you into your everyday relationship.
What do you think?
Attribution: Image by TĂș Anh from Pixabay