“Therapy Is for Broken People. I’m Not Like That. I’m Just Fed Up.” Why successful men are trained to neglect themselves and how to get the life you deserve.

Jack runs a large team and commands a budget of $2mil. He’s super successful at work.
But when he goes home, it’s a different picture. 

“I don’t fit. The kids don’t talk to me the way they used to. My wife is more interested in her friends than me. They’ve got a good life but it’s never enough. Last year’s holiday to Kenya was fabulous but now they want to go to Bora Bora – for a month.”
“I’m fine. I’m just fed up.” 

Jack is not alright. Being miserable at home is no picnic.

When something doesn't work, fix it!

Here’s what’s interesting:
If Jack had a problem with his accounts, he’d enlist the help of an accountant.
If he had an issue with Japanese knotweed in the garden, he’d enlist a professional to deal with it.

But when he’s miserable with the part of life that really matters, his private life, he toughs it out instead of dealing with it like other everyday issues.

Why?

One of the interesting things about modern masculinity is that it can deny men agency. 
Too often the focus is on things: money, job titles, toys. 
There’s the weird stereotype that says men are not allowed to be human beings, to have emotions, to be happy, to be fulfilled. 
Maybe that’s why in the UK and the USA, male suicide rates run at three times the rate of female suicides. Source   Source

My view is that life’s for living, for joyful and meaningful relationships.

So, if you’re a Jack, you don’t need fixing. But you need space to think.

If you can do this with your friends, awesome. 

But if you want to talk in a completely private space with a person you will not come across in a meeting or party, that’s me. 

I work with high-performing men who need a private space to think clearly and act wisely. If that’s you, message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation. 

#MensMentalHealth #ExecutiveWellbeing #MaleExecutives #PrivateTherapy

Photo courtesy of Med Ahabchane from Morocco on Pixabay

What to Do If You're Feeling Suicidal

Suicidal Thoughts: A Path Forward (A Guide to Safety and Self-Empowerment)

This is a difficult topic, so thank you for being here. Having suicidal thoughts is frightening and exhausting, but I want to assure you of one thing right from the start: there is always a path forward. 

My philosophy is that part of being an adult is taking charge of your life, even during your darkest times. If you have suicidal thoughts or are sometimes actively suicidal, the way forward is to empower yourself. That starts by understanding what is going on, and what you can do to help yourself.

As a Master's-qualified psychotherapist and sole practitioner, I can't offer 24/7 emergency crisis intervention. What I do is work with you in sessions to plan your support system, and build the long-term skills and resilience you need to manage these feelings when they hit.  

This guide explains what’s going on, busts some common myths, and outlines the practical steps you can take right now to empower yourself and build a safety net.

For help with your personal plan, you can message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.  

Okay, here we go! 

Sadness can overwhelm

Q: If I have a suicidal thought, am I crazy? Or doomed to die?

A: Absolutely not! It’s surprisingly common to have thoughts like, “I wish I didn’t waken up in the mornings” or “I just want out.” For most people, it’s purely a stress reaction, the equivalent of the brain saying, “Eeeeeek! Get us out of this!”

It can also be depression lying to you. Depression is mean and it whispers nasty things. Anxiety is the same.

The main thing to consider here is that not all thoughts can be taken at face value.

So if you just have the odd thought here and there, don’t worry. Have a chat with a therapist like me, and we can sort out what’s going on.

Q: I think about it often, though, and it’s more than a stray thought. I’d not do anything about it, probably, but should I be worried?

A: Hmmm, I’d be asking when these thoughts come. Like, is it a reaction to something? If you have a toxic boss, a difficult family, or other life circumstances, it may be that you are sad or have depression. This situation can lead to suicidal thoughts.

Or it may be depression or anxiety. These conditions don’t just feel bad—they create a false, nightmare world and convince you it’s real.

Many people living with these conditions don’t realise the world they’re seeing isn’t real. So they live for years with those nasty voices whispering at them.

If you have repeated episodes of dark thoughts, please know that you can help yourself!

This requires digging around to see what’s going on, whether it’s situational, a condition or both. That’s not something anyone can do, so you want to talk to a professional.

See a level 7 qualified person, someone with a Masters Degree in Counselling or Psychology that includes a minimum of 300 hours supervised practice.
(Yes, that includes me!)

 

Q: I have repeated episodes of suicidal thoughts and sometimes I am actively suicidal. What do I do?

A: It starts with planning your support before you reach crisis point. You can kick off straight away by putting together a Suicide Safety Plan. You can Google that and download a template, or you can message me and I’ll send you one.

A Suicide Safety Plan is where you write down your resources. Here’s mine:

Safety Plan

Feeling suicidal is the result of experiencing extreme pain.
I have a plan to reduce pain and increase coping resources.
I know that with support and time, these thoughts will pass.
When they pass, I can put energy into sorting out problems that have contributed to this episode.
For now, all I need to remember is that these feelings will not last forever.
Also, I have help and support.

• What I need to do to reduce the risk of me acting on the suicidal thoughts
• What warning signs or triggers are there that make me feel more out of control?
• What have I done in the past that helped? What ways of coping do I have?
• What I will do to help calm and soothe myself:
• What I will tell myself (as alternatives to the dark thoughts):
• What would I say to a close friend who was feeling this way?
• What could others do that would help?
• Who can I call? LIST THREE PEOPLE YOU CAN CALL WHEN YOU'RE IN DISTRESS.
• A safe place I can go to: DETAILS HERE
• If I still feel suicidal and out of control:
• I will call the national suicide line. DETAILS HERE
• I will go to the Emergency Room of a public hospital. DETAILS HERE
• If I can't get there safely, I will call emergency services.
  (e.g., 999 in the UK and Malaysia, 112 in Europe/EU, 911 in the US, Canada and Mexico)

Second, set up a relationship with a therapist. Now, therapists typically cannot offer active suicide support because we can’t work 24/7. We’re human. Also, we have a practice to run so when you are in crisis, we can’t drop everything (other clients!).

In a crisis, you must access a service that is manned 24/7. That’s usually a suicide hotline or your nearest public hospital.

However, you can use a therapist for a few sessions to talk through your safety protocols, or you can plan for low periods and arrange to have some extra support during those times.

My clients who suffer from repeated episodes of depression/anxiety where they are actively suicidal use sessions for support. It gives you a space to get real about what’s going on without guilt, shame, or pressure to pretend you're fine. Sessions are a boost that can help you manage better when the lows hit.

If you can’t afford therapy, look at charities near you and try and set up a personal connection with a case worker there. Again, they won’t be working 24/7 so it would be used only for sessions where you can share and be supported.

Q: I’m worried that if I tell a therapist I’m suicidal that they’ll lock me up or report me to the police.

A: These fears are common but how realistic they are depends on where you live.

If suicide is a crime in your country, try searching anonymously or asking support forums what’s typical in your area. If they won’t say, reach out and ask about, “My friend who is sometimes down…” and see what they say. Go with your gut.

If suicide is not a crime in your country, then think about local resources. Do you know of people in your neighbourhood who have been treated badly after sharing their suicidal thoughts? If so, act as above and google discreetly before deciding who to trust.

But if you’re relying on horror stories from a film, please think again. TV often dramatizes these issues, so it's not always a reliable source.

Consider this: facilities that support actively suicidal people require a locked ward that is manned 24/7 by nurses, doctors, and case workers. It’s super expensive!

In many countries, it takes an awful lot of advocating before you can access that kind of service. Most of the time, they talk to you for some hours, give you medication and then send you home under the care of someone you trust, like a friend or relative.

If you are worried, Google and also check social media support resources and ask what the protocol in your country is for actively suicidal people. Anonymously, of course, so you’re safe.

Q: And how do you work with suicidal clients?

A: I don’t provide crisis support or 24/7 services as I work online internationally and am a sole practitioner. When your crisis hits, I may be asleep or in session with another client.

If you’re in immediate danger, please contact your national emergency services or suicide crisis line.

I do work with people who struggle with suicidal thoughts and want to build long-term resilience. Usually, we see a dip coming and we plan for it.

But if you’re my client and you become actively suicidal and you won’t use the safety plan
(Like, ‘I’m going to kill myself now and you can’t stop me’)
I’ll contact your emergency contact, the person you have stipulated in our agreement. This person lives close to you and can sit with you or take you to see a doctor.

I disclose the danger, (‘Kim is suicidal, please take them to see a doctor’) but I won’t tell them details of our sessions. These stay confidential!

Q: What if I don’t have people I trust or anyone near me?

A: Then I won’t work with you. Why? Because that’s not safe, and I don’t do unsafe work.

Crisis management requires 24/7 availability. I'm not set up for that. I work with clients to build long-term resilience. For managing emergencies, you must source a reliable local connection.

Final thought

If you have suicidal thoughts or are sometimes actively suicidal, please know there is a path forward. Many people recover from suicidal thinking and go on to live deeply meaningful lives.

Start by setting up your safety nets.  Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation. 

Note: related post,  Suicide Counselling in Developing Nations. When a Friend or Loved One Is Suicidal: What Can You Do If There’s No Hotline, No Doctor, No System?

When Suicide Is A Crime – Seeking Help In Difficult Times (includes Podcast version)

Overcoming Challenges: Dealing with Suicide in Criminalized Countries

 

I'm excited because Malaysia is decriminalizing suicide.

 

 

Click to hear the podcast version

 

I live in Malaysia, and up until now, dealing with suicide was tricky.

We had an old law, left over from colonial times I think, that criminalised suicide.

Malaysians are compassionate. In a crisis, most police, doctors and medical staff would help and not say a word.

But there were exceptions. Every now and again, suicide survivors rescued by their family and friends would be arrested, hauled up in court and fined.

 

Between 2014 and 2018, 11% of those facing suicide were arrested and taken to court. Penalties included fined and up to a year in jail.

There would always be protests about this. And thankfully, increasing outcry pushed politicians to finally change that law.

It's not quite a done deal yet, but ever since the process started, there has been a change in how emergencies are managed.

It's wonderful!

 

Seeking Therapy in Criminalized Countries

Sadly, many of my clients live in countries where suiciding remains a criminal act. When seeking therapy, this poses some problems.

So I'd like to discuss these a bit further and describe an approach that my clients and I use.

I have two aims here.

First, if you're stuck in this situation, I'm hoping that this will help you reach out more safely.

Second, if you are supporting a friend or loved one, this may be useful to you.

There is always help

About Penalties for Suicide

Okay, so first thing is to know that in places where suicide is a crime, penalties vary.

Typically, courts impose fines and jail sentences. Some countries add flogging.

You might lose your job, have your kids taken away, or be divorced. The social stigma is huge.

In corrupt countries, a suicidal episode can also result in the police and other authorities demanding bribes.

Also, although it's not talked about much, abusive family members will use an incident in order to extort money or exert emotional blackmail.

About Barriers

As a result, people who are suicidal are too frightened to say so. They worry that asking for help will invite disaster.

This fear creates a considerable barrier. Sometimes, even close loved ones don't realise when someone is in trouble.

Second, being proactive and looking for help before you get to a crisis stage can be tricky.

Not all therapists take on suicidal clients. It's intensive work, risky, and so it's not everyone that's up for it.

And in countries where a crisis invites legal troubles, it's even harder to find someone who will take you on.

So, is it all doom and gloom? No. Absolutely not!

Sourcing Support

Finding support is perfectly possible, but it takes a bit of prep.

First, the law is an ass but there are many people who very quietly stick up two fingers to nasty rules.

You are never alone!

However, the key to finding your way is to be accountable.

You cannot throw the burden of care on to others. You are an adult and that means being responsible for yourself.

This is a challenge, especially when you're down, but it is essential. Make it a core principle.

Once you have that fixed in your mind, look for a mental health professional who can help provide support.

The most likely candidates are those who deal principally with depression and trauma.

Also, it's worth trying people who are LGBTQ affirming. I say this because many of the countries that criminalize suicide, also criminalize nonheterosexuality.

Second, before you start, ask about privacy. Specifically, ask who has access to your notes.

You don't want a fabulous therapist who then shares your notes with their boss, their staff, or a database that can be accessed by others.

Stay Safe! Safety Plan

Third, kick off therapy by deciding how you will deal with emergencies.

When you're upset, it's hard to think straight. A safety plan covers all the steps you should follow in a crisis.

• Start with noting down what you have done in the past that helped.
• Then ask, what exercises from sessions are helpful?
• What will you tell yourself as alternatives to the dark thoughts?
• What would you say to a close friend who was feeling this way?
• What could others do that would help?
• Who can you call? At this point, you list three trusted people you can reach out to.
• What is a safe place you can go to?
• And if you still feel suicidal and out of control, do you know a discreet doctor? Or perhaps there is a clinic that will quietly help you out? Write down the contact details.

You may want to rehearse a short cover story. For example, I am upset at a breakup. I would never hurt myself because that would be illegal but I am VERY UPSET.

Plan for a friend or relative you trust to come with you for this.

With a safety plan to back you up, enter counselling. Hopefully, you can get into a happier place.

Some Final Thoughts

Please know that you are not alone. There are millions of people who face suicide.

It is never easy. In films, they go to a hospital where there are trained staff to look after them.

They make it look so simple. So available.

In truth, there may be some rich big cities that have that service, but in most of the world, it simply isn't available.

It takes a dedicated ward and several shifts of trained staff to work 24/7. That's expensive! Most countries just don't have the resources.

Most people who are troubled, lean on friends and family to help them through rough times.

Life can be very difficult and silly laws can make it harder, but you can do this.

So make your list and reach out for the support you deserve. Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.

Photo Credit: Image by Mohamad Hassan on Pixabay

When a Friend or Loved One Is Suicidal: What Can You Do If There’s No Hotline, No Doctor, No System?

With all the global chaos these last few years, we've probably all got a friend or two who we are worried about.

Most suicide guides focus on listening and calling mental health services. In the UK we have the Samaritans, for example. But what if you live somewhere that doesn't have those services?

For many people around the world, there isn't a hospital or a doctor or a mental health professional. So what do you do then?

I'm going to kick off by saying I don't have a definitive answer. I work with people in difficult situations and I have found there are no easy solutions.

I do it because life is uncertain, and I believe that if we only dealt with simple things, people in difficulty would be alone. That can't be good. Also, mental health practice is always risky; it's part of the deal.

---

So, what do you do? Here are five things I’ve found helpful—not perfect, but better than silence:

#1 It's damn scary when someone says they are suicidal.
So when you are scared, that's perfectly okay. You'd be a bit of a twit not to be afraid.
Breathe and accept it's part of the situation.

#2 Immediate things that you can say:

• I'm glad you're sharing this with me
• I'm sorry you are hurting
• Tell me, what brought this to a head? ← and then listen
• How can I help you?

#3 Although it's tricky, you can distract your friend from suicide by focusing on the internal coping skills your friend has.
You might start this by asking:
"Do you remember another time when you were in crisis or near it? What did you find helpful then?" ← and then listen

#4 Talk safety, not assumptions.
Identify who your friend trusts in their life who is close by and who can help: family, friends, housemates, neighbours.

This is where it gets tricky:
Be aware that in many places, asking for help can be actively dangerous.
This is especially pertinent for women and LGBTQ people. For example:

• A woman living in a country where women have few rights may be sent to live with abusive relatives. This is because those cultures believe in 'out of sight, out of mind'.
• If she is in an abusive environment, she may also be beaten, whipped, or jailed by the authorities simply for wanting to leave.
• An LGBTQ person who asks for help in a country where homosexuality is illegal can be jailed, whipped, or executed. Even if they don't divulge their orientation, this fear may prevent them from seeking any kind of help—even from a family doctor or tribal healer.

Another issue is when mental health issues are perceived as a personal weakness or form of wilful stubbornness.
In these communities, seeking help results instantly in a lecture that can be summed up as,
"Say your prayers, obey your parents."

Sometimes, it comes with community shaming.
You know, because everyone loves a good shaming and it's so incredibly helpful 🙄

If you don't come from one of these places, this can be hard to believe—but it's vital that you understand and respect how dangerous the world can be for marginalized and disenfranchised people.

So, when you talk it over, be respectful and put safety first.
Usually, the person you are talking to has already tried all kinds of safe and useful reaching out.

But, supposing they can think of someone—in that case, discuss what they might say and what the person they reach out to might answer.

If it sounds good to both of you, discuss who will make the call.
Your friend may want to do it themselves, or with you on a conference call, or they may feel shy and want you to do it for them.
Whatever they want, be gentle.

If there is nobody to call and there is no doctor, hospital or other help, then keep talking until the situation de-escalates.
Then make a plan for being in touch.

For your own peace of mind, make one firm appointment to text within a few hours, otherwise you'll be on tenterhooks.
And when you text, see how things are and take it from there.

If you can, open up the network so your friend gets loving support from more than one person.

Note: this may not be possible.
Often, people who are driven to extremes by despair are alone.
So be prepared to be a sole support for some time.

---

Being there for someone in pain isn’t easy, but it matters.
If you’ve got ideas, stories, or questions, please see me on Facebook or LinkedIn.

Let’s help each other do better.

(Note: written April 2020, minor edits and social media links added April 2025)