"I’m Not Toxic, I’m Honest! You Don’t Want Me To Be Fake, Do You?" Love, Learned Wrong: How Abusive Homes and Childhoods Teach Us to Sabotage Our Relationships in Later Life

Suze is a sweetheart at work—kind, caring, and respectful. But when she comes home and Ted is excited about finally making the perfect pasta dinner for them, Suze shrugs and shuts him down.  

Ted is hurt and says so. “I spent an hour making this. Why can’t you say something nice?”  
“I don’t care what I eat,” Suze says. “You don’t want me to be fake, do you?”  

A week later, Suze is shocked that Ted has packed his bags and is leaving her.  

A shattered heart is hard to mend

What’s going on here? It may be that Suze just doesn’t like Ted, has no manners, and didn’t think to tell him she wanted out of the relationship.  

However, if Suze comes from a difficult or dysfunctional family, she may have been taught to sabotage her most loving relationships.  

Here’s how that works.

Hard Truths: Understanding ‘Respect’ in Abusive Families

Difficult, dysfunctional, toxic or abuse families come in all kinds of flavours.  However, many of them will teach their kids the same lesson:  you must respect me but I will not respect you. 

That may sound like:
“If your aunt calls you fat and stupid, just smile.”
“Don’t do as I do; do as I tell you.”

The Suzes of this world learn:
•    It’s okay to hurt the people close to you.
•    Cruelty is honest.   
•    When you’re powerful, being vicious is acceptable.

So these Suzes grow up, treat their loved ones badly and call it ‘being honest.’

Then they wonder why they can’t keep friends and partners.

Breaking the Cycle: How to Heal Generational Trauma

If your partner is a Suze

If you live with a Suze, you may want to leave. That’s a valid choice. Nobody should put up with abuse and nastiness.  

If you are willing to give them a chance for change, sit them down and have a good talk.  

Define the unwanted behaviour, define the wanted behaviour, set a deadline by which you want to see change, and send them to me so they get help making the change.  

Be compassionate, but be careful. Being abusive is rewarding and addictive because you get to do what you want. Be careful you’re not rewarding token efforts or enabling unacceptable behaviour.

If you are the toxic partner

If you are the Suze: breathe!  

You can change. 

Effective change comes from understanding your thoughts and actions, planning for change and then making the change. 

While the principles are simple, making these changes can be difficult because of false beliefs, self-sabotaging behaviour, and other issues.

Change is easier when you have professional support. That’s where I come in.

Ready to turbocharge the process, helping you achieve your goals with ease and become the best version of yourself?  Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation. You deserve to be happy 🌟

Safe Dating: What to Know About Men Who Drug and Rape on Dates

Here’s a curious thing: it’s likely that your first IRL date is probably safe; it is your second date that’s potentially dangerous.

In the old days (pre-1990s!) dating was mostly conducted through friends or friends-of-friends. You might not know the person, but someone close to you would know their parents, whether they were single, where they worked, and so on.

Today we tend to work further from home and dating apps have us meet strangers.

Stranger-danger is a thing but when we are robbed, assaulted, or raped, it is more likely to be a relative or friend rather than a masked villain jumping out of a dark alley.

Many people who date online are normal, decent people. Flawed in human ways but inherently safe.  

A small percentage are extremely dangerous. If you’re online looking for love, this is one nasty way some predators work. Because forewarned is forearmed.

How Drug-Then-Rape Dates Work 

Predators hide their real selves

They’re warm and constantly sending photos of themselves and asking you about your day and your heart.  

When you meet, they’re sweet and you have a nice coffee or drink. Most likely, you’re happy when the date ends.

You text, you meet the second time – and then the coffee is spiked or maybe it was in your cocktail.

When you waken up, you don’t remember exactly what happened. Maybe you’re in a hotel. Maybe you’re at his place. Very often, he’s still around and he’s acting normally.

Many targets are completely confused at this point. They can’t believe they’re with a predator, so they try and ‘make sense’ of matters. They wonder if they were drunk. They wonder if they asked for sex.

They can’t believe the truth: that this is a regular occurrence because that ‘nice guy’ drugs his targets and then assaults them.

Note: most reports come from women attacked by men but men are also attacked – for sex and sometimes just for money.

If you report it, the rapist points at the texts you’ve exchanged. You’re good friends, you had a great time on that other date – and then he claims he’s the victim of a hysterical woman who was perfectly happy with a one night stand at the time but blah blah blah….  

How To Protect Yourself

First, awareness counts. Don’t accept drinks or food unless it comes straight from the bar or kitchen to you.  Don’t take your eyes off it.  If you’re uncertain, leave it.

Second, when you date strangers, always have someone collect you or check on you after the date. And tell your date up front at the start of the date that your brother/cousin/mum/father is collecting you or meeting you. Do this for the first six dates.

Finally, if anything feels off, leave.

Remember: tigers have stripes for a reason; it helps them blend in. Predators are tigers too, and they are very good at looking perfectly harmless. So be careful and don’t believe what people say about themselves; watch their behaviour to know who they are. 

Looking for trauma informed mental health support? Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.

Image courtesy of HANSUAN FABREGAS from Pixabay