“Therapy Is for Broken People. I’m Not Like That. I’m Just Fed Up.” Why successful men are trained to neglect themselves and how to get the life you deserve.

Jack runs a large team and commands a budget of $2mil. He’s super successful at work.
But when he goes home, it’s a different picture. 

“I don’t fit. The kids don’t talk to me the way they used to. My wife is more interested in her friends than me. They’ve got a good life but it’s never enough. Last year’s holiday to Kenya was fabulous but now they want to go to Bora Bora – for a month.”
“I’m fine. I’m just fed up.” 

Jack is not alright. Being miserable at home is no picnic.

When something doesn't work, fix it!

Here’s what’s interesting:
If Jack had a problem with his accounts, he’d enlist the help of an accountant.
If he had an issue with Japanese knotweed in the garden, he’d enlist a professional to deal with it.

But when he’s miserable with the part of life that really matters, his private life, he toughs it out instead of dealing with it like other everyday issues.

Why?

One of the interesting things about modern masculinity is that it can deny men agency. 
Too often the focus is on things: money, job titles, toys. 
There’s the weird stereotype that says men are not allowed to be human beings, to have emotions, to be happy, to be fulfilled. 
Maybe that’s why in the UK and the USA, male suicide rates run at three times the rate of female suicides. Source   Source

My view is that life’s for living, for joyful and meaningful relationships.

So, if you’re a Jack, you don’t need fixing. But you need space to think.

If you can do this with your friends, awesome. 

But if you want to talk in a completely private space with a person you will not come across in a meeting or party, that’s me. 

Check how I guard your privacy, read this: Looking For Therapy But Don’t Want To Tank Your IPO or High-Octane Career? Here’s What You Need To Know To Get Mental Health and Keep Your Therapy Secret 

And if you're Frustrated With Therapists Who Only Reflect Your Feelings? Try Solution-Focused Brief Therapy - it's one of my favourites. 

While situations vary, a typical plan for Jack might be to restore mental clarity and motivation by:
•    Pinpointing where life isn’t working 
•    Seeking practical steps to improve boundaries at home
•    Resetting the relationships so there’s better balance

I work with high-performing men who need a private space to think clearly and act wisely. If that’s you, message me. 

#MensMentalHealth #ExecutiveWellbeing #MaleExecutives #PrivateTherapy

Photo courtesy of Med Ahabchane from Morocco on Pixabay

Today: What to Do If You're Feeling Suicidal

 

My philosophy

I work with adults, and part of being an adult is taking charge of your life. If you have suicidal thoughts or are sometimes actively suicidal, the way forward is to empower yourself. That starts by understanding what is going on, and what you can do to help yourself.

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Sadness by John Hain from Pixabay

Q: If I have a suicidal thought, am I crazy? Or doomed to die?

A: Absolutely not! It’s surprisingly common to have thoughts like, “I wish I didn’t waken up in the mornings” or “I just want out.” For most people, it’s purely a stress reaction, the equivalent of the brain saying, “Eeeeeek! Get us out of this!”

It can also be depression lying to you. Depression is mean and it whispers nasty things. Anxiety is the same.

The main thing to consider here is that not all thoughts can be taken at face value.

So if you just have the odd thought here and there, don’t worry. Have a chat with a therapist like me, and we can sort out what’s going on.

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Q: I think about it often, though, and it’s more than a stray thought. I’d not do anything about it, probably, but should I be worried?

A: Hmmm, I’d be asking when these thoughts come. Like, is it a reaction to something? If you have a toxic boss, a difficult family, or other life circumstances, it may be that you are sad or have depression. This situation can lead to suicidal thoughts.

Or it may be depression or anxiety. These conditions don’t just feel bad—they create a false, nightmare world and convince you it’s real.

Many people living with these conditions don’t realise the world they’re seeing isn’t real. So they live for years with those nasty voices whispering at them.

If you have repeated episodes of dark thoughts, please know that you can help yourself!

This requires digging around to see what’s going on, whether it’s situational, a condition or both. That’s not something anyone can do, so you want to talk to a professional.

See a level 7 qualified person, someone with a Masters Degree in Counselling or Psychology that includes a minimum of 300 hours supervised practice.
(Yes, that includes me!)

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Q: I have repeated episodes of suicidal thoughts and sometimes I am actively suicidal. What do I do?

A: It starts with planning your support before you reach crisis point. You can kick off straight away by putting together a Suicide Safety Plan. You can Google that and download a template, or you can message me and I’ll send you one.

A Suicide Safety Plan is where you write down your resources. Here’s mine:

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Safety Plan

Feeling suicidal is the result of experiencing extreme pain.
I have a plan to reduce pain and increase coping resources.
I know that with support and time, these thoughts will pass.
When they pass, I can put energy into sorting out problems that have contributed to this episode.
For now, all I need to remember is that these feelings will not last forever.
Also, I have help and support.

• What I need to do to reduce the risk of me acting on the suicidal thoughts
• What warning signs or triggers are there that make me feel more out of control?
• What have I done in the past that helped? What ways of coping do I have?
• What I will do to help calm and soothe myself:
• What I will tell myself (as alternatives to the dark thoughts):
• What would I say to a close friend who was feeling this way?
• What could others do that would help?
• Who can I call? LIST THREE PEOPLE YOU CAN CALL WHEN YOU'RE IN DISTRESS.
• A safe place I can go to: DETAILS HERE
• If I still feel suicidal and out of control:
• I will call the national suicide line. DETAILS HERE
• I will go to the Emergency Room of a public hospital. DETAILS HERE
• If I can't get there safely, I will call emergency services.
  (e.g., 999 in the UK and Malaysia, 112 in Europe/EU, 911 in the US, Canada and Mexico)

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Second, set up a relationship with a therapist. Now, therapists typically cannot offer active suicide support because we can’t work 24/7. We’re human. Also, we have a practice to run so when you are in crisis, we can’t drop everything (other clients!).

In a crisis, you must access a service that is manned 24/7. That’s usually a suicide hotline or your nearest public hospital.

However, you can use a therapist for a few sessions to talk through your safety protocols, or you can plan for low periods and arrange to have some extra support during those times.

My clients who suffer from repeated episodes of depression/anxiety where they are actively suicidal use sessions for support. It gives you a space to get real about what’s going on without guilt, shame, or pressure to pretend you're fine. Sessions are a boost that can help you manage better when the lows hit.

If you can’t afford therapy, look at charities near you and try and set up a personal connection with a case worker there. Again, they won’t be working 24/7 so it would be used only for sessions where you can share and be supported.

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Q: I’m worried that if I tell a therapist I’m suicidal that they’ll lock me up or report me to the police.

A: These fears are common but how realistic they are depends on where you live.

If suicide is a crime in your country, try searching anonymously or asking support forums what’s typical in your area. If they won’t say, reach out and ask about, “My friend who is sometimes down…” and see what they say. Go with your gut.

If suicide is not a crime in your country, then think about local resources. Do you know of people in your neighbourhood who have been treated badly after sharing their suicidal thoughts? If so, act as above and google discreetly before deciding who to trust.

But if you’re relying on horror stories from a film, please think again. TV often dramatizes these issues, so it's not always a reliable source.

Consider this: facilities that support actively suicidal people require a locked ward that is manned 24/7 by nurses, doctors, and case workers. It’s super expensive!

In many countries, it takes an awful lot of advocating before you can access that kind of service. Most of the time, they talk to you for some hours, give you medication and then send you home under the care of someone you trust, like a friend or relative.

If you are worried, Google and also check social media support resources and ask what the protocol in your country is for actively suicidal people. Anonymously, of course, so you’re safe.

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Q: And how do you work with suicidal clients?

A: I don’t provide crisis support or 24/7 services as I work online internationally and alone. When your crisis hits, I may be asleep or in session with another client.

If you’re in immediate danger, please contact emergency services or a suicide crisis line.

I do work with people who struggle with suicidal thoughts and want to build long-term resilience. Usually, we see a dip coming and we plan for it.

But if you’re my client and you become actively suicidal and you won’t use the safety plan
(Like, ‘I’m going to kill myself now and you can’t stop me’)
I’ll contact your emergency contact, the person you have stipulated in our agreement. This person lives close to you and can sit with you or take you to see a doctor.

I disclose the danger, (‘Kim is suicidal, please take them to see a doctor’) but I won’t tell them details of our sessions. These stay confidential!

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Q: What if I don’t have people I trust or anyone near me?

A: Then I won’t work with you. Why? Because that’s not safe, and I don’t do unsafe work.

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Final thought

If you have suicidal thoughts or are sometimes actively suicidal, please know there is a path forward. Many people recover from suicidal thinking and go on to live deeply meaningful lives.

Start by setting up your safety nets. You deserve to be happy!

Note: related post,  Suicide Counselling in Developing Nations. When a Friend or Loved One Is Suicidal: What Can You Do If There’s No Hotline, No Doctor, No System?

Silent Epidemic: Why Social Anxiety Is Exploding, And How You Can Craft A Path To A Happier, Healthier You

We say that anxiety is a mental illness, but few people appreciate exactly what this means. So let’s talk about Julie.

Julie’s Story

Julie doesn’t like to go out. “I’m a bit plump, my family are not rich, and I can’t afford designer handbags,” she says. “When I go out, people will judge me.”

When Julie gets a new job, she is excited. She doesn’t aim for CEO but she wants a decent career path so she has enough money to live without worrying about bills. She hopes to buy a house at some point or to travel.

Social Anxiety Disconnects Us

But as Julie doesn’t like to go out, she goes to the office and then goes straight home. She doesn’t join her colleagues for the weekly after-office drink, and works from home as much as she can.

When her line manager points out that she’s disconnected from the team and that upper management don’t know her, Julie feels nervous.

She wants to be seen but when next invited to go out for a drink, she refuses. She also ducks out of the annual dinner.

To herself she says, “I do my job. That is all that matters.” But secretly she thinks that if she goes out, they’ll judge her.

Julie does a great job. However, six months later she misses out on a promotion. The boost goes to a colleague who is less able than Julie, but he is the bloke who is there, chatting with the bosses at the bar and smooching at the annual corporate dinner.

Because whether we like it or not, business decisions are influenced by connection and friendship.

Everyday Choices or Anxiety?

Julie thinks she’s making everyday choices. However, the truth is that her fears are sabotaging her career advancement.  

Here is what we miss when we talk about anxiety being a mental health issue:
Anxiety creates a nightmare world and convinces us that it is real.

When you live with anxiety, you live in a nightmare – but you don’t see it! You think you are perfectly okay but the truth is that your life is constrained by your fears.

Key Takeaway: when your fears prevent you from living your best life, you have an anxiety issue.

Recognizing Social Anxiety

Here’s what social anxiety looks like:

You have an intense fear of being judged.
You avoid social situations.
If you are in a social situation, or maybe just thinking of one, you are nervous.
You are convinced that you suck at being social.

Summary: if it’s a choice between conversation or Zombie Apocalypse, you’re eating brains.

Why Social Anxiety Is Increasing

According to studies, social anxiety is increasing. Sifting through hundreds of studies, one analysis in 2023 pointed out that the COVID-19 pandemic led to a 25.6% increase in anxiety disorder cases (76.2 million additional cases) and a reset is likely to be slow. 

I believe there are several factors fueling social anxiety:

Talking has been largely replaced by texting. So when you do meet people face to face, just chatting feels weird. It is also more immediate. You can check a text; it’s harder to filter your words.

Online communication is forever. Young adults are used to having every single word they’ve said picked apart and criticized by the pack.

Plus, what they thought when they were 12 is still held against them when they’re 28. It’s unfair, and damaging.

Because of the factors above, I see Gen Z as a traumatized generation; young people have been attacked and harassed to the point where they are often shut down.

The pandemic is important because it has added to the disconnect. But we were already well on the way to trouble.

In a broader sense, social convention and social space architecture are now focused on separation (wrongly dubbed ‘privacy’)

Schools put desks in rows, not in small groups.
Teachers let students do group work with their close friends instead of encouraging them to work randomly with others in their class or year.

Coffee shops and canteens have moved from communal tables to individual tables.  Even pubs have individual tables instead of communal bars and tables.
 

Social disconnect is increasing to the point of absurdity.

I saw a promotion this week for a bus company trip to the next town that highlighted, “We promise never to seat you next to a stranger” meaning they will make sure you have an empty seat next to you rather than ask you to *gasp* sit next to someone for 2 hours!!!

Overcoming Social Anxiety

Don’t let fear clip your wings; you deserve to soar.

The tricky bit about anxiety is that there is usually a kernel of truth in the nightmare. There are people who judge others by the pound or bank balance. That says something about them, not us.

Julie knows this! But anxiety is a mental health issue, remember?  

While a bit of Julie knows her fears are irrational, the main effect is that it is overwhelming.  

The key to effective change is exposure. In non-therapy speak, Julie needs to build up positive experiences to rethink her reality.

In sessions, Julie actively challenges her negative thoughts, practices her social skills in a safe space, and then slowly creates positive experiences in real life.

It is a gradual process where each positive experience helps build up her confidence.

So, if you see a bit of Julie in you, know you’re not alone. Also, there is help.

Don’t let fear clip your wings; you deserve to soar. Contact me.

Images by kandhal keshvala, Pete and WOKANDAPIX from Pixabay

From Strangers to Friends: Crafting Connections When You're the New Kid in Town

Image by Chu Viết Đôn from Pixabay

We just moved house and I am lonely. 

It's taboo, isn't it? To say that we feel we lack friends? But it's a huge problem. 

Loneliness: The Secret Silent Global Epidemic

In 2023, the World Health Organisation said that current global estimates suggest that 25% older adults experience social isolation and between 5-15% of teens experience loneliness.

In the UK, the 2022 Community Life Survey found almost one in 10 young people in the UK feel lonely often or always. In the USA, about half of adults report measurable levels of loneliness.  

As loneliness is such a huge issue, and we tend not to talk about it, I have been posting my experiences online. I hope to break the taboo, and hopefully to help others.

Thankfully, this is a happy story because we're making friends! 

Friendship After Relocation

We moved to Thornaby in England, a place we had never been before, 10 weeks ago. We have no family here. 

Usually, work provides connections. Not for us! I run my own business, and as a therapist I can't be friends with clients. As for Tom, he had to wait to apply for work because companies wanted to be sure he has a visa first.

Therefore, loneliness was one of my top concerns (along with finding good cat food for Target, Tic Tac and Inkie).

Socializing In A New City

Friendship is about turning up and talking to people, finding common ground, and then meeting up over and over again, so that the connection deepens. 

After landing in Thornaby, we went straight out to the local pub. In the past, the interior design of pubs was fostered to promote community. Sadly, this has changed. The old horseshoe bars where strangers mingle are mostly out, and lots of individual tables are in. So you go out - and sit by yourself!

This is something scientists and politicians should be interested in: interior design in public places should promote communication, not foster isolation.

One pub is too far away for comfort. A second pub is nice but after 4 visits we still weren't beyond a, "What would you like to drink?" So we concentrate on the third pub, our local. After a few visits, people started to chat.

In addition, we looked into mixers. We found the local council has a meet and greet - which led to my first ever game of bingo. We also found a garden bowls group, a classic British game. We're having a go at that tomorrow.

Finally, I joined a book group. It's lovely but it meets only once a month, so probably won't be very productive in terms of connecting.

For us, going to the pub and meeting a happy crowd was the game changer. We have been twice now to meet the same gang, and had a lovely time. So we are on our way.

If you want all the details, I have posted on Facebook about each effort.

My first post, explaining the plan

My second post, visiting the pub alone

My third post, disaster report! 

My fourth post, more planning

My fifth post, success!

Dealing With the Fear of Rejection

Everyone is capable of stepping out in some way, but one of the typical obstacles to reaching out is, “What if they don’t like me?”

I should disclose here that I am bold.  When I meet people who don’t like me, that’s okay.  This is partly experience, I talk to hundreds of people every year as part of my therapy and feature column work, but it’s also partly attitude.

I'm sharing my philosophy because a change of mindset is empowering.

The process of making friends starts impersonally. Yes, it's not about you!

Let me put it this way: suppose Alice likes books, tea and cats, and Joan likes football and raves. They’re both perfectly nice people, but they’re not a good match. 

Building friendships, at least at the beginning, is about matching interests and attitudes. My point of view is that out of 100 people, a good half will have interests that don’t match mine. And that’s okay.

As for judgement, yes, a surprising amount of people confuse “not a match” with “don’t like” or nasty labels like “boring” or “stupid”. That says a lot about them; it’s nothing to do with me.    

When I meet a non-match, I make the most out of the encounter and then I move on. 

How To Game The System

Making friends is a percentage game – at the beginning. You may meet a lot of non-matches at first. Knowing that gives me energy to try again and again, without feeling bad about it.

However, once you meet a match, then the opportunity changes because people tend to hang with their matches.

I think of it as bubbles. If I meet a person I get along with, their bubble is bound to be my cup of tea. I will actively ask for introductions (the bold part) and it usually works great!

Also, as making friends at the beginning is not personal, I am practical about non-matches. When I meet a person who is not a match, I know their bubble is likely to be similar, so it’s best I give it a miss and try something else.   

If You're Introverted

I am fairly introverted, so I keep an eye on my energy levels. I plan my socialising carefully, in blocks on certain days. But when I do go out, I go all out. 

I suggest that you plan carefully, so you make sure you don't overdo it. However, do be consistent. Part of the magic is turning up regularly. You can't make friends if you only see people once in a blue moon!

So there you have my approach. My method means I can approach new connections with optimism and interest. It works well for me. But I am not shy. If you are, then I’d say go at it but do it with a friend. 

I hope you found this interesting, and if you are lonely, useful and inspiring.

PS, Recommend Me

I have two slots open, one on weekend mornings UK time. So if you can recommend me, please do!

Love Burns Out: What to Do When Your Parents Don't Like You

 

This feels odd to write about, although it's not exactly a secret. I am sharing some personal history and thoughts that might be useful if you struggle with family relationships.

I am an oops baby. In the 60s, premarital sex was considered a sin, and people who were caught in a pregnancy "did the right thing."

My parents married because they got pregnant with me. They said they loved me, but they made it clear, loudly and often, that they would not have tied the knot if they had a choice.

In childhood, I felt guilty. I also felt responsible.

My parents didn't do this on purpose. They thought treating kids like adults was empowering. Messed up, right? But that was a different time. Back then people didn't know a lot about mental health.

As it was, my parents worked hard. We had excellent schools, birthday parties, and books galore. Everything we needed and more.

But they were not a good match. They had different needs, values, cultures, and languages. Over time, they became angry and deeply resentful. They drank too much.

My mum would work herself into a rage and say the most awful nasty things she could think of.  A barrage of emotional abuse. My dad would shrug and act the martyr. The next day, they'd pretend nothing had happened.

I tried to talk about it. It did no good. My dad would moan and complain he was only there for the good of the family. My mum used rage, cold silence, and denial.  

When I was younger this went on behind closed doors. By my late teens, this went on in public too. 
 

I built my own life and moved away. Back then, people didn't talk about low contact, but that's what it was.

In the late 90s, my parents' marriage imploded. There was lots of drama.

My father went off with a mistress. That's a whole other story that I won't get into. My mother and I started talking.

It was tricky; she would blow up often, but we got to know each other better.

By the time my father died, my mum and I were talking several times a week. I visited regularly.

But the last year or so has been difficult. The rage came back. And the silent treatment.

When I visited last summer, I walked on eggshells. I worried about her health, especially dementia, but her memory is fine, and she knows what she's doing. She has regular excellent medical care. This time, it's not booze.

In January, she instigated a fight, not with me, but with someone else. Then she screamed at me.

It took me straight back to the awful years where she'd rip me to shreds and I had no choice but to take it. This time I told her I would no longer accept this. She cut me off.

Four months of silent treatment, but on her birthday, she picked up the phone and acted as if nothing had happened.

I didn't want to call again. But family, you know?

When I rang a week later, I got a tirade of abuse. She told me I was to stay out of her life forever. This time I just said, "OK."

So, where's the message?
I'm fine. Actually, better than fine. I have good friends, I'm married to my best friend, and I have a thriving business. I am very happy with my life.

If you're from a difficult family, you can be happy too. Here are some thoughts.

Families are messy

Many people are stuck in relationships they don't want, with kids they didn't want either. It sours them. They take out their anger on everyone around them.

Kids take it when they're small, they have no choice, but they leave when they're adult.

In Malaysia, 1 out of 3 older people are not supported by or are abandoned by their kids. (read here and here). In the UK, 1 out of 5 families are affected by estrangement. (read here) In the USA, it's 1 family in 4. (read here)

Being disliked or resented by your parents and deciding you want some distance is common.

You can build a happy life for yourself

Learn a skill, earn money, and move out. You need not go far. Just have your own life with people who love you.

There is no formula

Life is rarely black and white, and there are seldom easy choices. There are no rules and no simple fixes.

Most of us with difficult families go through times when we connect and times when we don't. And that's okay.

You will have regrets

Kids yearn for their parents to love them. When that love is not there, or conditional, or coloured by resentment, most of us bend over backwards, hoping to fix our relationships.

Some of the things we do work. Some of them hurt or cost us, but we're willing to pay the price. And sometimes we look back and say, "doh!"

I don't regret trying to connect, but I do regret those annual visits. I wish I'd spent that time with people who love me.

Love burns out

Once you've been through a few abuse cycles, emotions change. The sadness, anger, and other feelings are overwhelming when you're young. But as you mature, they fade. Eventually, you stop caring.

It's a form of self-protection. Why embrace people who hurt you repeatedly?

So if you're worried about this, please know it's a common reaction.

Estrangement is not always permanent

We tend to think in absolutes. While estrangement can be permanent, it can also be temporary, lasting months or years.

 

I don't plan to reach out. But I'm not saying never. I'm moving country this year, and so I'm busy.

For now I'm okay with zero contact for the foreseeable future.

People will judge

Those from happy families won't get it. They have no idea what it's like to grow up with toxic parents.

There will also be people who know they are a problem in their own families and who seek to normalize abuse.

When you feel judged, maybe you want to engage. Or maybe not.

I suggest this: other people aren't living your life. You are! Think and do what suits you best.

I should also mention silence, but that's for the next post. This one is long enough!

Get help

Back in the 80s and 90s, abuse and estrangement were taboo. The first book I ever read about it blew me away and gave me hope: "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.  

There are lots of insightful helpful books out there these days.

I suggest you read widely, lean in with friends, and use therapy as a safe space to sort out an approach that works for you.

It worked for me.

If you want some support, you know how to find me.

Image by John Hain on Pixabay