How Childhood Spanking and Caning Impact the Brain: Links to Anxiety and Memory Issues

In my free 15-minute discussion with potential clients I ask some basic questions about your mental health history.

If you tell me you are an over-thinker, and self-harmed when you were a teen or had a bout of bulimia, I make a note to check into childhood abuse during sessions. If you don’t remember much about growing up, I’ll ask about childhood punishment.

Shocking, right? But here’s why I do so. 

First, there is a link between childhood violence and anxiety in later life. 
Second, self-harm and eating disorders can be a result of anxiety.
Third, violence is linked to memory issues.

Many of us worry about judging our parents or evaluating our childhood. However, it’s an important topic because the effects of violence can stop you from leading your best life.  

Here’s what the science says and some suggestions for effective change and safe healing.

The Science of Violence

As this is a tough topic, here are my rescue cats Tic Tac and Inkie

Research is accelerating rapidly due to technology (imaging mostly) so a lot of theory is now being tested and evaluated.

For example, we used to think that spanking and yelling were totally different from caning and sexual assault. Turns out that’s wrong!

When you are small and your parent or other guardian adult hits you, you suffer from violence, pain, and you feel helpless. For a little kid, spanking is a violent event.

What the child learns is that he or she is not safe, not even with a parent or guardian. That is scary!

Research shows that such violence can rewire young brains.

In 2021 a team lead by Jorge Cuartas at Harvard University recruited 147 kids aged around 11 years old. They hooked the kids up to a brain scan machine and then showed them an angry face.

They discovered that the 40 kids who’d been spanked showed brain activity associated with anxiety. The 107 kids who has not been spanked didn’t have that reaction. Source and Source

In simple English, children who learn that they can’t be safe become very sensitive to danger.  

As their threshold of danger is low, they are much more anxious in everyday life. They see danger where other people are confident. That has a lasting impact.

What I see in my practice is that people who are very sensitive to danger, are typically scared of people being angry or upset. They are also scared of making mistakes. 

Because of this, they avoid opportunities for growth. They are so scared of making a mistake that they will only take opportunities where they can get things 100% right easily. They won’t risk learning something that involves a lot of hit and miss.

BUT it’s not one-size-fits-all. 

Theory and big studies are excellent for big picture thinking but it is a mistake to apply it ruthlessly to individuals.

Some kids are more affected than others. Some kids heal. Why is a hugely debated question.

Variables include:

·         The character of the violence, e.g, how violent, how often, when, what, how
·         The personality of the child, e.g some personality factors appear to protect against harm
·         The child’s environment, e.g was it one person, many people, what was the support network like, what models did the child have growing up
·         Culture, e.g is the punishment associated with shame for the target or the aggressor, is it widespread in that culture or not

Because of these variables, helping people assess damage and charting a healing path takes some work.

There is no fixed formula for healing.  

The Impact of Violence On Memory

A lot of the people I speak to don’t remember their childhood very clearly because they were caned or punished often.

Current thinking runs along these lines:  source  source

·         We don’t know a lot about how memory works.
·         We know that people have imperfect memory of violent events
·         We do know that violence causes a surge of brain activity, including the release of stress hormones
·         We think that the stress hormones may disrupt the memory making process

As violence messes with memory making, and everyone is different, how violence impacts on us varies from person to person and from event to event.

Example: if Kim is caned by her parents, she may remember how her mother looked, what her father said just before they beat her, and the pain of that first stroke. 

However, she may not remember the rest of the attack or the rest of that day. 

Some of those details may come back later BUT as the brain does tend to ‘suggest’ details so it ‘feels right’ some of those details may be correct and some may not. 

So, just trying to remember the details about trauma is tricky. source

Steps And Obstacles To Healing

One of the major obstacles for doing this is judgement. If you are frightened of judging your parents and guardians, consider these points:

Pre-internet, parents didn’t know a lot about parenting. They did what their parents did. This is why we have generational trauma.

However, beating a child who is terrified takes some doing. In therapy, both parents and clients have shared experiences where adults attacked kids because they were in a bad mood. 

So here is my prime directive: violence is a choice. If you were attacked by an adult, it’s on them.

However, as people make mistakes, you may decide to talk it over.  In some families, this conversation includes acknowledgement of harm, an apology, and is healing.

Then again, given that many violent adults refuse to acknowledge the harm they do, that may not be possible. 

You should know that many parents double down and claim it is their right to be violent. Or they lie and try to gaslight you into thinking it never happened.

Thankfully, you can heal without family participation.

To heal, you see where you are today, identify if you have anxiety and if so, where and how it works, and then implement steps for effective change. Again, while the process is simple, there is no fixed formula for the work that needs done. Every person is different. 

My usual advice to clients is:

·         Don’t worry about ‘normal’ – you feel the way you do and that’s okay
·         Healing is a process.  What doesn’t work for you today may work tomorrow, so keep assessing and moving forward

Ready to start healing? Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.

There Are No Safe Spaces, Only Safe People. Recognizing and Protecting Yourself from Predators in Charities and Support Groups

Here’s a radical take: charities and support groups are riddled with predators.

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while, and as it’s New Year, it’s a good time for some reframing. Let me explain my reasoning, and then you can make up your own mind.

As young people are typically vulnerable, pedophiles have worked in boarding schools, youth groups, social clubs, and religious organisations for many years.

However, as some countries are beginning to screen adults who work with kids, clever predators have moved on to situations where there is less scrutiny.

If you want to volunteer with a charity or ask for help, here are some thoughts on how predators think, work, and what you can do to spot and stay safe from them.

Understanding Predators

Predators come in different flavours, but for simplicity’s sake, we can summarise.

Predators seek to control and dominate their targets
Their goal is power, money, to attack them physically or possibly all three
Their tools include charm, intimidation, threats, coercion, manipulation and gaslighting

The Predator’s Ideal Environment

Although predators have different goals and strategies, they all need targets who are vulnerable.

Vulnerable people are those who are disempowered, scared, isolated, sick, or suffering from poor mental health.

Where do you find large groups of vulnerable people? Answer: charities, emergency services, and support groups.

Scope Of Predators In Charities

I hear stories often of a charity worker abusing their position to target colleagues and crisis victims. Typically, these charities are very small, with just a few staff.  These stories don’t make the press.

You’d think big organizations would be on top of this. So here are some scary facts:

The United Nations received 758 allegations of sexual exploitation and abuse committed by staff in 2023. It’s the tip of the iceberg. Source

It's known to be a huge problem for ages.  Back in 1996, a United Nations study reported that in 6 our 12 country studies, the arrival of peacekeeping troops led to a rapid rise in child prostitution. Source

Twenty years later, in 2017, the Associated Press reported that 134 Sri Lankan UN peacekeepers had been running a child sex ring in Haiti since 2007. Source

In 2018, Oxfam/Action Against Hunger, Save the Children, and the United Nations admitted covering up for senior staff who had abused and exploited both crisis victims and their own charity staff for years. Source Source

The World Health Organization was caught covering up for senior staff who were abusing and sexually exploiting aid victims and charity staff during the 2018-2020 Ebola crisis. Source Source

A 2022 special Humanitarian Policy Group report says nothing has changed because nobody is prepared to pay for safety. Source

How To Keep Safe

Charities can offer some excellent services, so the trick is to be careful with your trust.

Strong Boundaries. Whether you volunteer, work there or need help, look for a professional bond, not a friendship.  

• No parties
• No suggestion that it's a family
• No getting involved with your social life
• No solo trips or outings

Watch For Mind Games. Tigers have stripes for a reason; you don’t know what they are until they’re eating you. Similarly, predators are very good at hiding their true nature. So what you need to focus on is recognizing a mental environment where predators flourish.

Avoid organisations with:

• Charismatic leaders who are considered perfect or wise
• An emphasis on conformity, groupthink, or loyalty
• Untouchable people or favourites who don’t follow rules 
• Intimidation or punishment for disagreeing 
• Constantly changing rules 
• Being labelled with mental illness (bipolar, autistic, ADD etc) by anyone who is not a licensed medical doctor and psychiatrist

I hope you find this useful. Stay safe and Happy New Year! 

Need professional, trauma informed support? message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Safe Dating: What to Know About Men Who Drug and Rape on Dates

Here’s a curious thing: it’s likely that your first IRL date is probably safe; it is your second date that’s potentially dangerous.

In the old days (pre-1990s!) dating was mostly conducted through friends or friends-of-friends. You might not know the person, but someone close to you would know their parents, whether they were single, where they worked, and so on.

Today we tend to work further from home and dating apps have us meet strangers.

Stranger-danger is a thing but when we are robbed, assaulted, or raped, it is more likely to be a relative or friend rather than a masked villain jumping out of a dark alley.

Many people who date online are normal, decent people. Flawed in human ways but inherently safe.  

A small percentage are extremely dangerous. If you’re online looking for love, this is one nasty way some predators work. Because forewarned is forearmed.

How Drug-Then-Rape Dates Work 

Predators hide their real selves

They’re warm and constantly sending photos of themselves and asking you about your day and your heart.  

When you meet, they’re sweet and you have a nice coffee or drink. Most likely, you’re happy when the date ends.

You text, you meet the second time – and then the coffee is spiked or maybe it was in your cocktail.

When you waken up, you don’t remember exactly what happened. Maybe you’re in a hotel. Maybe you’re at his place. Very often, he’s still around and he’s acting normally.

Many targets are completely confused at this point. They can’t believe they’re with a predator, so they try and ‘make sense’ of matters. They wonder if they were drunk. They wonder if they asked for sex.

They can’t believe the truth: that this is a regular occurrence because that ‘nice guy’ drugs his targets and then assaults them.

Note: most reports come from women attacked by men but men are also attacked – for sex and sometimes just for money.

If you report it, the rapist points at the texts you’ve exchanged. You’re good friends, you had a great time on that other date – and then he claims he’s the victim of a hysterical woman who was perfectly happy with a one night stand at the time but blah blah blah….  

How To Protect Yourself

First, awareness counts. Don’t accept drinks or food unless it comes straight from the bar or kitchen to you.  Don’t take your eyes off it.  If you’re uncertain, leave it.

Second, when you date strangers, always have someone collect you or check on you after the date. And tell your date up front at the start of the date that your brother/cousin/mum/father is collecting you or meeting you. Do this for the first six dates.

Finally, if anything feels off, leave.

Remember: tigers have stripes for a reason; it helps them blend in. Predators are tigers too, and they are very good at looking perfectly harmless. So be careful and don’t believe what people say about themselves; watch their behaviour to know who they are. 

Looking for trauma informed mental health support? Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.

Image courtesy of HANSUAN FABREGAS from Pixabay

The Hidden Crisis: The Secret Struggles of Male Sexual Assault Survivors

Damaging myths about masculinity create a profound culture of abuse and silence.

Men Can Be Victims Too

• Boys think about sex all the time.
• Boys are always ready for sex.
• Men don’t care who you are, all they care about is sex.
• Men are hunters; they need to mate.

We see and hear this so often, that it sometimes doesn’t sink in that these stereotypes actively deny men and boys their humanity.

The painful result? This lack of recognition creates a world where many men and boys are unable to acknowledge, or even conceptualize, that they can be sexually assaulted or raped.

Men Can Be Victims Too

Consider a common scenario:

Example: Ricky’s celebrating his birthday. He’s had a few too many gins. When his toxic ex Ginny buys him another one, he just drinks it. Next day he wakens up in bed with Ginny.

Typically, people tell Ricky he shouldn’t get drunk.

As a therapist, I immediately ask about Ricky’s internal experience. The conversation typically starts with Ricky worrying what his toxic ex will do next. However, the deeper issue of the overwhelming feeling of violation is rarely discussed when the victim is male. This trauma is often instantly dismissed with the toxic line, "He got lucky!"

The truth is that Ginny is a predator. She saw Ricky was vulnerable and knew he could not consent, and would not consent if he were sober. That’s rape.

The reality I see in my practice is that predators can be male or female, straight or LGBTQ. All predators exploit power imbalances, and anyone can be a target.

Sadly, predators get away with sexual crimes because of power. This lesson still hasn’t fully sunk in when the victims are male.

Boys and men are sexually assaulted and/or raped in a variety of high-risk situations:

• In boarding schools
• In all-male religious rites (churches, mosques, temples, etc)
• As part of gang initiation
• When a victim of another crime such as mugging or robbery
• In prison
• In the military (as punishment and/or initiation)
• In war

Studies suggest that 1 in 6 men suffer rape & sexual assault at some point in their lives.

Fact: in England and Wales, men were not recognized legally as victims of rape until 1994.

I believe the official stats are a massive under-reporting. My clinical intuition and experience suggest the true numbers are far higher. As men typically don’t report being sexually harassed or groped, I believe the number of men who have experienced an unwanted, persistent, or frightening sexual experience is far higher, likely reaching 7 or even 8 out of 10.

The Path Forward: Breaking the Silence

So what do we need to do? Speak up. Shine a light on what goes on. Once we kill the taboo, we have a shot at making effective change.

Talking is scary, but talking helps.

You don't have to carry this alone.

Many men live with the quiet weight of trauma; memories or experiences they rarely speak of. Over time, that burden often shows up as stress, anxiety, or a feeling that you’ve lost yourself. .

You might think, “Other people had it worse,” or “I should be over it by now.” But if it’s affecting your life today, it deserves care. .

In therapy, you’ll have a safe, private space to unpack what’s been sitting heavy for too long. Together, we’ll find ways to ease that pressure, steady your emotions, and help you feel like yourself again.

If you’re ready to finally break the silence, let's talk about taking the first step. Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.