Suze is a sweetheart at work—kind, caring, and respectful. But when she comes home and Ted is excited about finally making the perfect pasta dinner for them, Suze shrugs and shuts him down.
Ted is hurt and says so. “I spent an hour making this. Why can’t you say something nice?”
“I don’t care what I eat,” Suze says. “You don’t want me to be fake, do you?”
A week later, Suze is shocked that Ted has packed his bags and is leaving her.
What’s going on here? It may be that Suze just doesn’t like Ted, has no manners, and didn’t think to tell him she wanted out of the relationship.
However, if Suze comes from a difficult or dysfunctional family, she may have been taught to sabotage her most loving relationships.
Here’s how that works.
Hard Truths: Understanding ‘Respect’ in Abusive Families
Difficult, dysfunctional, toxic or abuse families come in all kinds of flavours. However, many of them will teach their kids the same lesson: you must respect me but I will not respect you.
Suze was taught to respect all older people, no matter what.
“If your aunt calls you fat and stupid, just smile.”
“I can scream insults at you but you are never allowed to be in a bad mood.”
“Don’t do as I do; do as I tell you.”
Also, Suze learned some powerful lessons about her feelings.
When Suze was 6, she got an A for art. Her dad said,
“Yeah, well, so what. It’s not going to earn you money, is it?”
When Suze cried and showed she was upset, her dad said,
“I’m your father and I’m giving you good advice.”
When Suze was 9, she tried on a princess dress and loved it. Her mum said,
“You’re too fat to wear that.”
When Suze cried and was upset, her mum said,
“Family always tell each other the truth.”
From this, Suze learned:
• It’s okay to hurt the people close to you.
• Cruelty is honest.
• When you’re powerful, being vicious is acceptable.
So when Suze goes out into the world, she treats her loved ones with disdain, disrespect or even cruelty and calls it ‘being honest’. And then she wonders why she loses friends and can’t sustain a loving relationship.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Heal Generational Trauma
If your partner is a Suze
If you live with a Suze, you may want to leave. That’s a valid choice. Nobody should put up with abuse and nastiness.
If you are willing to give them a chance for change, sit them down and have a good talk.
Define the unwanted behaviour, define the wanted behaviour, set a deadline by which you want to see change, and send them to me so they get help making the change.
Be compassionate, but be careful. Being abusive is nice because you get to do what you want. Be careful you’re not rewarding token efforts or enabling unacceptable behaviour.
If you are the toxic partner
If you are the Suze: breathe! Also, if you have a nasty narrator in your head, tell her to shove off while we talk.
Here are some truths:
• Kids learn by copying the adults around them. It’s how humans work.
• Everyone is a mess of good and not so good.
• As we grow up, we begin to analyse our values and behaviour.
• Sometimes you’ll look at some of your values and behaviour and think, “I’m going to call that a feature and keep it” and some others you’ll say, “Yikes! That I want to change.”
• All human beings are a constant self-improvement project.
• Change takes insight and effort. First, human beings resist change. Second, thoughts, values and behaviour are linked. To change how you act, you need to understand how you think.
• We often underestimate how many skills we have. This is because we tend to limit ourselves depending on different environments. For example, Suze is friendly at work so she has good social and respect skills. All she has to do is transfer them to her home life.
Change is easier when you have professional support. That’s where I come in.
I can help you turbocharge the process, helping you achieve your goals with ease. When you’re ready to become the best version of yourself, drop me a note. You deserve to be happy 🌟
Image by Mo Farrelly at Pixabay
