In my free 15-minute
discussion with potential clients I ask some basic questions about your mental
health history.
If you tell me you are
an over-thinker, and self-harmed when you were a teen or had a bout of bulimia,
I make a note to check into childhood abuse during sessions. If you don’t
remember much about growing up, I’ll ask about childhood punishment.
Shocking, right? But here’s
why I do so.
Many of us worry about judging our parents or evaluating our childhood. However, it’s an important topic because the effects of violence can stop you from leading your best life.
Here’s what the science says and some
suggestions for effective change and safe healing.
The Science of Violence
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As this is a tough topic, here are my rescue cats Tic Tac and Inkie
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Research is
accelerating rapidly due to technology (imaging mostly) so a lot of theory is
now being tested and evaluated.
For example,
we used to think that spanking and yelling were totally different from caning
and sexual assault. Turns out that’s wrong!
When you
are small and your parent or other guardian adult hits you, you suffer from
violence, pain, and you feel helpless. For a little kid, spanking is a violent
event.
What the
child learns is that he or she is not safe, not even with a parent or guardian.
That is scary!
Research
shows that such violence can rewire young brains.
In 2021 a
team lead by Jorge Cuartas at Harvard University recruited 147 kids aged around
11 years old. They hooked the kids up to a brain scan machine and then showed
them an angry face.
They discovered
that the 40 kids who’d been spanked showed brain activity associated with anxiety.
The 107 kids who has not been spanked didn’t have that reaction. Source and Source
In simple
English, children who learn that they can’t be safe become very sensitive to
danger.
As their
threshold of danger is low, they are much more anxious in everyday life. They see
danger where other people are confident. That has a lasting impact.
What I see
in my practice is that people who are very sensitive to danger, are typically scared
of people being angry or upset. They are also scared of making mistakes.
Because of
this, they avoid opportunities for growth. They are so scared of making a
mistake that they will only take opportunities where they can get things 100%
right easily. They won’t risk learning something that involves a lot of hit and
miss.
BUT it’s
not one-size-fits-all.
Theory and
big studies are excellent for big picture thinking but it is a mistake to apply
it ruthlessly to individuals.
Some kids
are more affected than others. Some kids heal. Why is a hugely debated
question.
Variables
include:
·
The
character of the violence, e.g, how violent, how often, when, what, how
·
The
personality of the child, e.g some personality factors appear to protect against
harm
·
The
child’s environment, e.g was it one person, many people, what was the support
network like, what models did the child have growing up
·
Culture,
e.g is the punishment associated with shame for the target or the aggressor, is
it widespread in that culture or not
Because of
these variables, helping people assess damage and charting a healing path takes
some work.
There is no fixed formula for
healing.
The
Impact of Violence On Memory
A lot of
the people I speak to don’t remember their childhood very clearly because they
were caned or punished often.
Current thinking runs along these lines: source source
·
We
don’t know a lot about how memory works.
·
We
know that people have imperfect memory of violent events
·
We
do know that violence causes a surge of brain activity, including the release of stress hormones
·
We
think that the stress hormones may disrupt the memory
making process
As violence
messes with memory making, and everyone is different, how violence impacts on
us varies from person to person and from event to event.
Example: if
Kim is caned by her parents, she may remember how her mother looked, what her
father said just before they beat her, and the pain of that first stroke.
However, she
may not remember the rest of the attack or the rest of that day.
Some of
those details may come back later BUT as the brain does tend to ‘suggest’
details so it ‘feels right’ some of those details may be correct and some may
not.
So, just
trying to remember the details about trauma is tricky. source
Steps And
Obstacles To Healing
One of the
major obstacles for doing this is judgement. If you are frightened of judging
your parents and guardians, consider these points:
Pre-internet,
parents didn’t know a lot about parenting. They did what their parents did.
This is why we have generational trauma.
However,
beating a child who is terrified takes some doing. In therapy, both parents and
clients have shared experiences where adults attacked kids because they were in a
bad mood.
So here is
my prime directive: violence is a choice. If you were attacked by an adult, it’s
on them.
However, as
people make mistakes, you may decide to talk it over. In some families, this conversation includes acknowledgement
of harm, an apology, and is healing.
Then again,
given that many violent adults refuse to acknowledge the harm they do, that may
not be possible.
You should know that many parents double down and claim
it is their right to be violent. Or they lie and try to gaslight you into
thinking it never happened.
Thankfully,
you can heal without family participation.
To heal, you see where you are today,
identify if you have anxiety and if so, where and how it works, and then implement steps for effective change. Again, while the process is simple, there is no fixed formula for the work that needs done. Every person is different.
My usual
advice to clients is:
·
Don’t
worry about ‘normal’ – you feel the way you do and that’s okay
·
Healing
is a process. What doesn’t work for you
today may work tomorrow, so keep assessing and moving forward
