In my free 15-minute
discussion with potential clients I ask some basic questions about your mental
health history.
If you tell me you are an over-thinker, and self-harmed when you were a teen or had a bout of bulimia, I make a note to check into childhood abuse during sessions. If you don’t remember much about growing up, I’ll ask about childhood punishment.
Shocking, right? But here’s why I do so.
Second, self-harm and eating disorders can be a result of anxiety.
Third, violence is linked to memory issues.
Many of us worry about judging our parents or evaluating our childhood. However, it’s an important topic because the effects of violence can stop you from leading your best life.
Here’s what the science says and some suggestions for effective change and safe healing.
The Science of Violence
Research is
accelerating rapidly due to technology (imaging mostly) so a lot of theory is
now being tested and evaluated. As this is a tough topic, here are Tic Tac and Inkie
For example, we used to think that spanking and yelling were totally different from caning and sexual assault. Turns out that’s wrong!
When you are small and your parent or other guardian adult hits you, you suffer from violence, pain, and you feel helpless. For a little kid, spanking is a violent event.
What the child learns is that he or she is not safe, not even with a parent or guardian. That is scary!
Research shows that such violence can rewire young brains.
In 2021 a team lead by Jorge Cuartas at Harvard University recruited 147 kids aged around 11 years old. They hooked the kids up to a brain scan machine and then showed them an angry face.
They discovered
that the 40 kids who’d been spanked showed brain activity associated with anxiety.
The 107 kids who has not been spanked didn’t have that reaction. Source and Source
In simple English, children who learn that they can’t be safe become very sensitive to danger.
As their threshold of danger is low, they are much more anxious in everyday life. They see danger where other people are confident. That has a lasting impact.
What I see in my practice is that people who are very sensitive to danger, are typically scared of people being angry or upset. They are also scared of making mistakes.
Because of this, they avoid opportunities for growth. They are so scared of making a mistake that they will only take opportunities where they can get things 100% right easily. They won’t risk learning something that involves a lot of hit and miss.
BUT it’s not one-size-fits-all.
Theory and big studies are excellent for big picture thinking but it is a mistake to apply it ruthlessly to individuals.
Some kids are more affected than others. Some kids heal. Why is a hugely debated question.
Variables include:
· The personality of the child, e.g some personality factors appear to protect against harm
· The child’s environment, e.g was it one person, many people, what was the support network like, what models did the child have growing up
· Culture, e.g is the punishment associated with shame for the target or the aggressor, is it widespread in that culture or not
Because of these variables, helping people assess damage and charting a healing path takes some work.
There is no fixed formula for healing.
The Impact of Violence On Memory
A lot of the people I speak to don’t remember their childhood very clearly because they were caned or punished often.
· We know that people have imperfect memory of violent events
· We do know that violence causes a surge of brain activity, including the release of stress hormones
· We think that the stress hormones may disrupt the memory making process
As violence messes with memory making, and everyone is different, how violence impacts on us varies from person to person and from event to event.
Example: if Kim is caned by her parents, she may remember how her mother looked, what her father said just before they beat her, and the pain of that first stroke.
However, she may not remember the rest of the attack or the rest of that day.
Some of
those details may come back later BUT as the brain does tend to ‘suggest’
details so it ‘feels right’ some of those details may be correct and some may
not.
So, just trying to remember the details about trauma is tricky. source
Steps And Obstacles To Healing
One of the major obstacles for doing this is judgement. If you are frightened of judging your parents and guardians, consider these points:
Pre-internet, parents didn’t know a lot about parenting. They did what their parents did. This is why we have generational trauma.
However, beating a child who is terrified takes some doing. In therapy, both parents and clients have shared experiences where adults attacked kids because they were in a bad mood.
So here is my prime directive: violence is a choice. If you were attacked by an adult, it’s on them.
However, as people make mistakes, you may decide to talk it over. In some families, this conversation includes acknowledgement of harm, an apology, and is healing.
Then again, given that many violent adults refuse to acknowledge the harm they do, that may not be possible.
You should know that many parents double down and claim it is their right to be violent. Or they lie and try to gaslight you into thinking it never happened.
Thankfully,
you can heal without family participation.
To heal, you see where you are today,
identify if you have anxiety and if so, where and how it works, and then implement steps for effective change. Again, while the process is simple, there is no fixed formula for the work that needs done. Every person is different.
My usual advice to clients is:
· Healing is a process. What doesn’t work for you today may work tomorrow, so keep assessing and moving forward
· You can learn from all kinds of resources about healing from violence. Listen to the experiences of military people, charity workers, social workers, paramedics, doctors, nurses, parents with sick kids – everyone has a story and it’s surprising what you can learn just from listening with an open mind
Healing is always at hand. If you want help from a professional therapist skilled in healing from abuse, you know where to find me.