There Are No Safe Spaces, Only Safe People. Recognizing and Protecting Yourself from Predators in Charities and Support Groups

Here’s a radical take: charities and support groups are riddled with predators.

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while, and as it’s New Year, it’s a good time for some reframing. Let me explain my reasoning, and then you can make up your own mind.

As young people are typically vulnerable, pedophiles have worked in boarding schools, youth groups, social clubs, and religious organisations for many years.

However, as some countries are beginning to screen adults who work with kids, clever predators have moved on to situations where there is less scrutiny.

If you want to volunteer with a charity or ask for help, here are some thoughts on how predators think, work, and what you can do to spot and stay safe from them.

Understanding Predators

Predators come in different flavours, but for simplicity’s sake, we can summarise.

Predators seek to control and dominate their targets
Their goal is power, money, to attack them physically or possibly all three
Their tools include charm, intimidation, threats, coercion, manipulation and gaslighting

The Predator’s Ideal Environment

Although predators have different goals and strategies, they all need targets who are vulnerable.

Vulnerable people are those who are disempowered, scared, isolated, sick, or suffering from poor mental health.

Where do you find large groups of vulnerable people? Answer: charities, emergency services, and support groups.

Scope Of Predators In Charities

I hear stories often of a charity worker abusing their position to target colleagues and crisis victims. Typically, these charities are very small, with just a few staff.  These stories don’t make the press.

You’d think big organizations would be on top of this. So here are some scary facts:

The United Nations received 758 allegations of sexual exploitation and abuse committed by staff in 2023. It’s the tip of the iceberg. Source

It's known to be a huge problem for ages.  Back in 1996, a United Nations study reported that in 6 our 12 country studies, the arrival of peacekeeping troops led to a rapid rise in child prostitution. Source

Twenty years later, in 2017, the Associated Press reported that 134 Sri Lankan UN peacekeepers had been running a child sex ring in Haiti since 2007. Source

In 2018, Oxfam/Action Against Hunger, Save the Children, and the United Nations admitted covering up for senior staff who had abused and exploited both crisis victims and their own charity staff for years. Source Source

The World Health Organization was caught covering up for senior staff who were abusing and sexually exploiting aid victims and charity staff during the 2018-2020 Ebola crisis. Source Source

A 2022 special Humanitarian Policy Group report says nothing has changed because nobody is prepared to pay for safety. Source

How To Keep Safe

Charities can offer some excellent services, so the trick is to be careful with your trust.

Strong Boundaries. Whether you volunteer, work there or need help, look for a professional bond, not a friendship.  

• No parties
• No suggestion that it's a family
• No getting involved with your social life
• No solo trips or outings

Watch For Mind Games. Tigers have stripes for a reason; you don’t know what they are until they’re eating you. Similarly, predators are very good at hiding their true nature. So what you need to focus on is recognizing a mental environment where predators flourish.

Avoid organisations with:

• Charismatic leaders who are considered perfect or wise
• An emphasis on conformity, groupthink, or loyalty
• Untouchable people or favourites who don’t follow rules 
• Intimidation or punishment for disagreeing 
• Constantly changing rules 
• Being labelled with mental illness (bipolar, autistic, ADD etc) by anyone who is not a licensed medical doctor and psychiatrist

I hope you find this useful. Stay safe and Happy New Year! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Why Is Therapy So Expensive? And Do Your Bargain Rates Mean You Suck?" "Why Is Therapy So Expensive? And Do Your Bargain Rates Mean You Suck?" Breaking down therapy costs and how to figure out whether you are getting quality service for your money.

Therapy is wildly unregulated in most places. There are people who work for free or very low fees and others who charge a fortune.

We’re all careful with money, right? So you would be sensible to ask, why pay for therapy at all?

#1 Expertise Takes Training = Expensive. I’m a level 7 registered counsellor and psychotherapist, which is about the highest you can go; only a PhD is higher at a level 8.

My training consists of a Bachelor's degree, and a Master's degree. Aside from the classes, the Master’s degree included over 1,000 hours of unpaid internships, including 300 hours of therapy work supervised by other level 7s.

The training takes 6 to 7 years, and it costs a fortune. Part of the fees you pay goes to recoup my investment in my training. I also need to eat!

The upside for you is this: quality. 

Many charities and services offer mental health services but don't actually have anyone who is properly trained. As most countries allow anyone to practice, terms like 'our trained therapists' may mean someone who's read a book or taken a weekend course.  

Of course, some of these people can be very helpful some of the time! But there's also a dangerous downside. As they aren't trained, they will have trouble identifying issues and identifying evidence based best practice approaches.

Think of it in terms of plumbing. If you want to change a tap, you might be okay with a mate who has a spanner and who can read an instruction pamphlet. But would you let them install a new bathroom? Probably not.

I’m a quality plumber. The kind you trust to put in the bathroom complete with jacuzzi bath and fancy sink.  

#2 There’s Prep. You talk for an hour and stop. I put the notes together, invoice, and before we talk next time, I read the notes and prep. It takes time.

There’s other admin that comes with running a business, like doing my taxes, keeping my professional paperwork going and more, so your fees also contribute to paying for those overheads.

My professional memberships alone cost me £350 year, so the first 100 hours I work I don’t see a penny. I could drop them, but then it makes connecting with new clients harder.

#3 Training Never Stops. Every job involves constant learning but psychology is particularly intensive.

I do constant journal sweeps as well as reading new publications, attending lectures, and taking short courses. It costs money to stay current.

OK, So Why Are You Cheaper Than Your Peers?

Level 7s typically charge £70 to £100 for 50 minutes so I could charge a lot more and work fewer hours. Sadly, I have this pesky vision that mental health services should be reasonably affordable.

Therefore, I work on McDonald’s economic principles: lower margins but more people.  It means I work a bit more but I like my work so that’s okay.

I keep costs down by working online from home. I don’t have extra rent, a personal assistant, and I do my own marketing too.

When I’m older though, I plan to put up my prices and work a lot less. So hire me while I’m affordable 😊

Safe Dating: What to Know About Men Who Drug and Rape on Dates

Here’s a curious thing: it’s likely that your first IRL date is probably safe; it is your second date that’s potentially dangerous.

In the old days (pre-1990s!) dating was mostly conducted through friends or friends-of-friends. You might not know the person, but someone close to you would know their parents, whether they were single, where they worked, and so on.

Today we tend to work further from home and dating apps have us meet strangers.

Stranger-danger is a thing but when we are robbed, assaulted, or raped, it is more likely to be a relative or friend rather than a masked villain jumping out of a dark alley.

Many people who date online are normal, decent people. Flawed in human ways but inherently safe.  

A small percentage are extremely dangerous. If you’re online looking for love, this is one nasty way some predators work. Because forewarned is forearmed.

How Drug-Then-Rape Dates Work 

Predators hide their real selves

They’re warm and constantly sending photos of themselves and asking you about your day and your heart.  

When you meet, they’re sweet and you have a nice coffee or drink. Most likely, you’re happy when the date ends.

You text, you meet the second time – and then the coffee is spiked or maybe it was in your cocktail.

When you waken up, you don’t remember exactly what happened. Maybe you’re in a hotel. Maybe you’re at his place. Very often, he’s still around and he’s acting normally.

Many targets are completely confused at this point. They can’t believe they’re with a predator, so they try and ‘make sense’ of matters. They wonder if they were drunk. They wonder if they asked for sex.

They can’t believe the truth: that this is a regular occurrence because that ‘nice guy’ drugs his targets and then assaults them.

Note: most reports come from women attacked by men but men are also attacked – for sex and sometimes just for money.

If you report it, the rapist points at the texts you’ve exchanged. You’re good friends, you had a great time on that other date – and then he claims he’s the victim of a hysterical woman who was perfectly happy with a one night stand at the time but blah blah blah….  

How To Protect Yourself

First, awareness counts. Don’t accept drinks or food unless it comes straight from the bar or kitchen to you.  Don’t take your eyes off it.  If you’re uncertain, leave it.

Second, when you date strangers, always have someone collect you or check on you after the date. And tell your date up front at the start of the date that your brother/cousin/mum/father is collecting you or meeting you. Do this for the first six dates.

Finally, if anything feels off, leave.

Remember: tigers have stripes for a reason; it helps them blend in. Predators are tigers too, and they are very good at looking perfectly harmless. So be careful and don’t believe what people say about themselves; watch their behaviour to know who they are.

Image courtesy of HANSUAN FABREGAS from Pixabay

Looking For Therapy But Don’t Want To Tank Your IPO or High-Octane Career? Here’s What You Need To Know

When you’re dealing with a lot of stress, having a therapist on hand can be a valuable tool. Mental health practitioners are invested in privacy, however, clients are often unclear how our ethics codes work. Here are a few tips so you can make informed decisions.

Active Danger Negates Privacy

A vague, “sometimes I feel I want to vanish” is fine. Being very depressed is also fine. But if you share that you’re planning suicide, your therapist has a duty to save you. Similarly, if you share you plan to hurt someone else, your therapist will sound the alert.

To figure out where the boundaries are, read the agreement. It should state the exceptions clearly and state what action will be taken.

Organisations Will Share Your Information  

Therapists working in a hospital, medical practice or NGO will store client notes in a place where others can access them. This can be useful if you see different people, but you won’t know for sure who gets your information or what they do with it.

In a small organisation, your therapist can tell you who sees what. They typically won’t know in a large organisation because they don’t make those decisions.

The giant online platform BetterHelp was fined $7.8 million recently for selling private client information with major advertising platforms, including Facebook, Snapchat, Criteo, and Pinterest.

Know the difference between Registered and Accredited

A registered therapist belongs to an organisation. An accredited therapist shares your information with colleagues. They then talk about your sessions.

In theory, your therapist should anonymize your information. In practice this can be difficult, especially in smaller communities. Also, they may hand over their notes physically or send them via email.

Note: if your sole therapist is accredited, she may send your notes to a colleague at a hospital or university, and then nobody knows where those notes may end up.

Why does this happen? Mental health business practice has a lot of pyramid scheme or MLM mentality to it. (I know, I’m a cynic. But hang in there and you’ll see why.)

Someone figured out years ago that if you add in a fancy sounding title, unknowing customers will think you’re extra special.  

With ‘accreditation’ therapists pay each other to look over each other’s notes and sessions. The theory is that it promotes extra high standards. It may do, but it also means privacy risk for clients.

The UK’s biggest provider of workplace mental health services, Health Assured, is now being investigated for allowing strangers to "eavesdrop" on confidential calls by listening in to the helpline without the knowledge or permission of callers, in the service of ‘accreditation.’

Also, the cost of chatting about sessions is passed down to the client. A double whammy that really makes me see red, because I believe services should be affordable.

How To Keep Safe

Ask questions. Ask, “Who sees my notes?” and “Where do you store your notes?” and “How often in the last year have you discussed a client session with a third party?”

A quality therapist will tell you all this up front, before you start sessions and share private information. She will also detail exceptions. And finally, it will all be in the agreement–in simple language, not legalese.

So, when you want mental health support, I hope this helps you feel confident and empowered when you reach out. 

Note: with thanks to Chris Sansbury from Pixabay for the image.

Frustrated With Therapists Who Only Reflect Your Feelings? Try Solution-Focused Brief Therapy

Client: She sabotaged me at work, and I know she did it deliberately.
Therapist: How do you feel about that?
Client: I wanted to kill her!  Clearly, I can’t. But still!
Therapist: I’m here for you.
Client: I don’t know what to do about this.
Therapist: How do you feel about that?
Client: ….!

Emotions matter because they give us insight into what may be going on in our lives or our heads. Anger, for example, is a reaction to injustice. So knowing what you’re feeling is useful.

Having a therapist who helps you figure out emotions is useful and being affirmed is not just lovely but gives you the courage to make positive change.

However, if you’re trying to work out new and better ways to manage regular issues, it can be very frustrating to work with a therapist who sticks purely to feelings and affirmation.

The Key to Success: Recognising Approaches

If you want to help someone manage their mental health, you need a proper approach. That means a theory of what constitutes good mental health, what leads to issues, and how you can help the client achieve better mental health.  

There are over 50 different approaches!

The one above is based on client-centered therapy, a system developed by Carl Rogers in the 1950s.

Rogers believed that therapy clients were looking for personal growth, so he focused on creating a supportive and nonjudgmental environment by reflecting the client's feelings, showing empathy, and fostering unconditional positive regard.

It’s great stuff but it is not really suitable if you’re looking for advice or solutions.

Inkie, the junior cat, because every post needs a cat photo

One of the pitfalls of giving advice is that what works for me may not work for you. Luckily for us, though, there is a therapy approach that focuses on creating solutions safely.

Unsurprisingly, it’s called Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT).  This approach was created in the 1980s, a time when efficiency was highly prized, by Steve de Shazer and Insoo Kim Berg.

Solution-focused therapy assumes you have good mental health, are skilled and are just looking for solutions for everyday issues.

Basically, we look at the problem, identify your strengths and resources and work out ways in which you can effect positive change.

Sometimes we use the miracle question, where you imagine how your life will be if the problem is resolved overnight by magic.

With complex issues, the miracle question helps focus on what the goal may look like, how we will know if we’re hitting the right spot, and it also fosters a positive mindset. <- important for motivation and courage!

For complex problems, we break the problem down into steps, each one of which helps you build up progress and motivation.

As I also have 35+ years business experience and am an avid reader, I can also throw in suggestions from personal experience, scientific research, famous case studies, and media articles. It’s all grist to the mill.

While Rogers is the theory must pushed by the BACP and many schools, Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) approach is quietly popular as it’s very practical and empowering. Frankly, it’s one of my favourites.

So, if you want some help making changes, and you value your privacy, talk to me, and tell me you’re looking for Solution-Focused sessions. Thanks for reading!

The Hidden Crisis: The Secret Struggles of Male Sexual Assault Survivors

Men and boys think about sex all the time.

Men and boys don’t care who you are, as long as they can have sex with you.

Men and boys are hunters; they need to mate.

We see and hear this nonsense so often, that it sometimes doesn’t sink in that these nasty stereotypes actively dehumanize and disenfranchise boys and men.

Think about it. By denying men and boys their humanity, it reduces them to bags of hormones looking for satisfaction.

Men Can Be Victims Too

End result? This nonsense creates a world where men and boys cannot be sexually assaulted or raped.

Example #1: Ginny buys Ricky a gin and tonic. She kisses him. Two minutes later, they’re in bed.

Think: you okay with this? It’s borderline, isn’t it? One G&T is okay but we need to know how many Ricky has had so we can figure out if he can still consent.

Supposing Ricky is 15 and Ginny is 30. To me, that is rape because a 15-year-old cannot consent. Ginny is a predator.

Surprisingly, some people will say something like, “Ooooh, he got lucky!” Because all men and boys want sex all the time.  

We are getting better in some places at protecting women from predators. However, the lesson that predators get away with sexual crimes because of power imbalance still hasn’t gotten through when the victims are male.

The truth is that boys and men are sexually assaulted and/or raped in a variety of common situations:
•    In boarding schools
•    In all-male religious rites (churches, mosques, temples, etc)
•    As part of gang initiation  
•    When a victim of another crime such as mugging or robbery
•    In prison
•    In the military (as punishment and/or initiation)
•    In war

The World Health Organization estimates 1 in 3 (30%) of women suffer rape & sexual assault at some point in their lives. Other large studies suggest that 1 in 6 (15%) of men suffer rape & sexual assault at some point in their lives.

Women know that reporting violence typically means more violence. It’s still typically safer for us to shut up than speak up.  However, in the last 40 years we have started to push back a little. In some places we can report. Sometimes, although it’s super rare, we may even get some justice.

Men are still stuck in the 1970s.

Fact: in England and Wales, men were not recognized legally as victims of rape until 1994.

So what do we need to do? Speak up. Shine a light on what goes on. Once we kill the taboo, we have a shot at making effective change.

Talking is scary but I think that the official stats are under-reporting. I believe stats for sexual assault and rape are more like 9/10 for women and 8/10 for men.

Almost every man I know has had an unwanted persistent frightening grope at some point. The difference is that men tend to be attacked when they’re under 21 and women tend to be attacked when under 45.

So talking will help. And if you have been targeted and you want to talk about it in a safe space, consider hiring me as your extremely private therapist. I’m sensible and affordable 😊

Pic courtesy of WOKANDAPIX

Should You See Family You Can’t Stand? This Controversial Take Will Make You Rethink Everything!

One of the hardest things to come to terms with is that not all parents love their kids.

We know this is true because of hard facts. Here is one:

In 2016, there were 10.1 million child trafficking victims. They made up 25% of modern slavery victims. Source Studies show that 41% of all trafficked children are sold into sexual exploitation (54%) and forced labour (31%) by family members. That means that mums and/or dads, backed up by grandparents, aunts, uncles etc, decided that selling the kids is a great idea. Source

This is just one fact that proves family love is not universal.

We have trouble understanding that not all parents love their kids, because society tries to brainwash us.

We are told constantly, “you can trust your family,” and “all parents love their kids unconditionally.”

Life isn’t Disney.
Not all humans were meant to be parents.

There is no such thing as the mother instinct. Some mums bond with their kids, others don’t.
There is no such thing as the father instinct. Some dads bond with their kids, others don’t.

As a child, we think that if our parents don’t love us, that there must be something wrong with us.
This is not sensible thinking.

Sensible thinking says:
When your parents don’t like you–it’s a them problem.

Some humans just don’t love anyone very much. Others take against people for no good reason.

A decent human being recognizes a kid needs love and if they don’t have the feels, they treat the kid well and fake it. The kid may feel the distance or may just think the parent is a bit formal.

An unethical human being takes their anger, frustration, or disinterest out on the kid. Also, many family elders think of children as resources to be exploited.

If your parent is like that, they may have nagged, bullied, or beaten you. Or they let you know they see you purely as a resource for free work and money.

If you don’t want to be near them, that’s okay. In fact, it’s perfectly sensible. We should not want to be close to people who treat us badly.

Unfortunately, society says, “oh, you’ll regret not going to see family” because they’re invested in the Disney vision.

It is terrible advice.

Here’s what I know. I tried for years to build links with difficult parents. Looking back now I have a huge regret: I wish I had spent that time, effort, and money to be with the people I love and who love me back, my husband and my brother and my friends.

I missed out on happiness because I believed that sacrificing my free time was good for the family. It wasn’t. It just cost me.

I wish my friends (and the two therapists I consulted!) had asked me this question, “If you go on this parental visit that you dread, what are you missing out on? How will you feel about that in years to come?”

So if you are thinking of giving up your summer or your Christmas, Deepavali or Eid and dreading having to spend that time with people you don’t like, stop. Think it over.

Ask yourself, “Why am I spending my limited resources on activities that I don’t want?” and then ask, “When I’m 70 and I can’t travel anymore, will I regret not spending time with people I love doing things I love?”

It’s never easy, but by asking ourselves the hard questions, we have a better chance at living happy, authentic lives.

I hope you find this personal sharing interesting.