The Hidden Crisis: The Secret Struggles of Male Sexual Assault Survivors

Men and boys think about sex all the time.

Men and boys don’t care who you are, as long as they can have sex with you.

Men and boys are hunters; they need to mate.

We see and hear this nonsense so often, that it sometimes doesn’t sink in that these nasty stereotypes actively dehumanize and disenfranchise boys and men.

Think about it. By denying men and boys their humanity, it reduces them to bags of hormones looking for satisfaction.

Men Can Be Victims Too

End result? This nonsense creates a world where men and boys cannot be sexually assaulted or raped.

Example #1: Ginny buys Ricky a gin and tonic. She kisses him. Two minutes later, they’re in bed.

Think: you okay with this? It’s borderline, isn’t it? One G&T is okay but we need to know how many Ricky has had so we can figure out if he can still consent.

Supposing Ricky is 15 and Ginny is 30. To me, that is rape because a 15-year-old cannot consent. Ginny is a predator.

Surprisingly, some people will say something like, “Ooooh, he got lucky!” Because all men and boys want sex all the time.  

We are getting better in some places at protecting women from predators. However, the lesson that predators get away with sexual crimes because of power imbalance still hasn’t gotten through when the victims are male.

The truth is that boys and men are sexually assaulted and/or raped in a variety of common situations:
•    In boarding schools
•    In all-male religious rites (churches, mosques, temples, etc)
•    As part of gang initiation  
•    When a victim of another crime such as mugging or robbery
•    In prison
•    In the military (as punishment and/or initiation)
•    In war

The World Health Organization estimates 1 in 3 (30%) of women suffer rape & sexual assault at some point in their lives. Other large studies suggest that 1 in 6 (15%) of men suffer rape & sexual assault at some point in their lives.

Women know that reporting violence typically means more violence. It’s still typically safer for us to shut up than speak up.  However, in the last 40 years we have started to push back a little. In some places we can report. Sometimes, although it’s super rare, we may even get some justice.

Men are still stuck in the 1970s.

Fact: in England and Wales, men were not recognized legally as victims of rape until 1994.

So what do we need to do? Speak up. Shine a light on what goes on. Once we kill the taboo, we have a shot at making effective change.

Talking is scary but I think that the official stats are under-reporting. I believe stats for sexual assault and rape are more like 9/10 for women and 8/10 for men.

Almost every man I know has had an unwanted persistent frightening grope at some point. The difference is that men tend to be attacked when they’re under 21 and women tend to be attacked when under 45.

So talking will help. And if you have been targeted and you want to talk about it in a safe space, consider hiring me as your extremely private therapist. I’m sensible and affordable 😊

Pic courtesy of WOKANDAPIX

Should You See Family You Can’t Stand? This Controversial Take Will Make You Rethink Everything!

One of the hardest things to come to terms with is that not all parents love their kids.

We know this is true because of hard facts. Here is one:

In 2016, there were 10.1 million child trafficking victims. They made up 25% of modern slavery victims. Source Studies show that 41% of all trafficked children are sold into sexual exploitation (54%) and forced labour (31%) by family members. That means that mums and/or dads, backed up by grandparents, aunts, uncles etc, decided that selling the kids is a great idea. Source

This is just one fact that proves family love is not universal.

We have trouble understanding that not all parents love their kids, because society tries to brainwash us.

We are told constantly, “you can trust your family,” and “all parents love their kids unconditionally.”

Life isn’t Disney.
Not all humans were meant to be parents.

There is no such thing as the mother instinct. Some mums bond with their kids, others don’t.
There is no such thing as the father instinct. Some dads bond with their kids, others don’t.

As a child, we think that if our parents don’t love us, that there must be something wrong with us.
This is not sensible thinking.

Sensible thinking says:
When your parents don’t like you–it’s a them problem.

Some humans just don’t love anyone very much. Others take against people for no good reason.

A decent human being recognizes a kid needs love and if they don’t have the feels, they treat the kid well and fake it. The kid may feel the distance or may just think the parent is a bit formal.

An unethical human being takes their anger, frustration, or disinterest out on the kid. Also, many family elders think of children as resources to be exploited.

If your parent is like that, they may have nagged, bullied, or beaten you. Or they let you know they see you purely as a resource for free work and money.

If you don’t want to be near them, that’s okay. In fact, it’s perfectly sensible. We should not want to be close to people who treat us badly.

Unfortunately, society says, “oh, you’ll regret not going to see family” because they’re invested in the Disney vision.

It is terrible advice.

Here’s what I know. I tried for years to build links with difficult parents. Looking back now I have a huge regret: I wish I had spent that time, effort, and money to be with the people I love and who love me back, my husband and my brother and my friends.

I missed out on happiness because I believed that sacrificing my free time was good for the family. It wasn’t. It just cost me.

I wish my friends (and the two therapists I consulted!) had asked me this question, “If you go on this parental visit that you dread, what are you missing out on? How will you feel about that in years to come?”

So if you are thinking of giving up your summer or your Christmas, Deepavali or Eid and dreading having to spend that time with people you don’t like, stop. Think it over.

Ask yourself, “Why am I spending my limited resources on activities that I don’t want?” and then ask, “When I’m 70 and I can’t travel anymore, will I regret not spending time with people I love doing things I love?”

It’s never easy, but by asking ourselves the hard questions, we have a better chance at living happy, authentic lives.

I hope you find this personal sharing interesting.

 

 

 

Terrified Of Failure, Feel Guilty When Relaxing, Or Paralysed When Confronted By Anger? Here's How To Heal From Abuse

I’ve been working with people healing from anxiety, depression, abuse, complex PTSD and stress full-time for 8 years now. Certain patterns come up repeatedly. 

Here are some thoughts about three common issues that come from a dysfunctional childhood.

#Issue 1: If you’re terrified of failure,

I would ask if you were punished for it when you were a child.
If you were, then you have a learned response; you were literally taught to fear failure
This is a problem for many reasons but one of the biggest is that it stops you learning and growing
All the good stuff in life takes a learning curve, which means you fall off a lot  
The way forward to better mental health is to unlearn this learned response
The method that works well is slow exposure and positive feedback
Which means you need to work at having little bits of failure and praising yourself madly for it

#Issue 2: If you feel guilty when you relax,

I would ask if you were taught that guilt when you were a child.
If you were, then you have a learned response; you were literally taught to avoid rest
This is a problem for many reasons but one of the biggest is that it messes up your health
To get to the good stuff in life, you have to be rested and pumped with energy
The way forward to better mental health is to unlearn this learned response
The method that works well is slow exposure and positive feedback
Which means you need to work at having mini rests and praising yourself madly for it
 

#Issue 3: If the thought of someone being angry paralyses you,

I would ask if you were attacked by angry adults when you were a child.
Maybe your parents caned you when they were angry
Maybe your parents screamed at you when they were angry
If you were, then you have a learned response; you were literally taught to associate anger with violence
The way forward to better mental health is to unlearn this learned response
The method that works well is slow exposure and affirming truths
Which means you need to work at being around people who deal ethically with anger and reminding yourself that nobody is allowed to attack you

It is not easy to recognize that present day issues come from your past, specifically because it can be taboo to criticize parents and elders. But if you want positive change, you need to deal with these issues. 

I’ll talk more about how in the next few days. In the meantime, if you are looking for a therapist, hire me  I’m practical, extremely private, affordable and I work exclusively online via voice and video.

Unpopular Opinion: Emotion-Deniers Know Very Well That There Is Injustice, Loss And More But They Don’t Want To Deal With It

Have you noticed the rise in people demonizing emotion?

It can be subtle, “Let’s be rational about this.”
It can be straightforward, “Oh, don’t be so emotional.”

It’s so normalized that many of us don’t really think about this. But if you are interested in mental health, this is a huge red flag.

Ask yourself this: suppose you have poured time and energy into a job, a project, a relationship, or cause, and it doesn’t work out. Should you shrug coldly and announce, “On to the next thing” and move on without a thought?

No! We are not robots (or Vulcans).  Passion is essential to our humanity.

Mr Spock at his console

We should feel anger when there is injustice. We should feel sadness at loss. And it’s perfectly natural to feel frustration when there are obstacles.

So why are there emotion deniers? Some people are afraid of emotion because they link it to behaviour.

But here’s the thing: we choose our behaviour. 

This is why we feel anger when there is injustice but we don’t set cars on fire or hurt others. 

We feel sadness and cry, and that’s okay, even if it resonates with the empathetic people who see it. 

As for frustration, we feel it and choose to express it in sensible terms.

Emotions are essential because they give us information.

Here’s an unpopular opinion: many of the people who tell us not to feel emotions know very well that there is injustice, loss and more but they don’t want to deal with it. 

Abusers are typically emotion-deniers. They weaponise 'logic' because they're messing us about.

Emotions are essential for giving us information about our thoughts and our environment. 

So feel what you feel. See why you feel it. It won’t always be 100% accurate but that’s okay. You have a brain, so you’ll figure it out.

Emotions rock!

Note: picture in the public domain courtesy of NBC Television

From Outrage to Empowerment: My Journey to Therapist in Pursuit of Justice

With the move, I’ve been considering my business. This process included going back to basics and examining my purpose.

I realized that I haven’t shared about this before, so here goes.

When Tom and I moved from Spain to Malaysia, we agreed that he would follow the fixed career path, academia, and I would have the portable job.

I always wanted to write, so I went for it.  Between 1995 to 2015, I wrote and sold 3000 features to newspapers and magazines in 12+ countries plus 10 books with traditional publishing houses and more as an Indie.

Then, in 2012, Malaysia Womens Weekly asked me to write up a feature on rape survivors.

What I learned then is still true today, in Malaysia, the UK, Australia, Spain – actually, everywhere.

For people attacked by rapists, the initial violation is just the beginning. The ‘justice’ process is designed to torture.

Emergency care in hospitals is systematically dehumanizing. Worse, many victims report some of the receptionists, nurses and doctors making nasty victim-blaming remarks.

The police often treat victims like offenders. Female victims have their phones seized and searched, and their dating history scrutinized. Male victims often don’t even get to make a report. They are openly told to get lost.

Because of this, many victims just stop there.

The few who do press on, have to tell their story over and over to police and lawyers. This is intensely traumatizing.

Almost all cases are dumped after a few months anyway, because the courts tell victims they can’t get justice unless there are witnesses. Right, because rapists work in front of an audience.

For the 1 or 2 percent of cases that do go to court, it takes at least 2 years to be heard.  

During those years, you’re scheduled to appear but it changes at the last minute. Or someone doesn’t turn up. Also, papers are lost, staff change, and so you have to gear up and stand down over and over, and retell your story. It’s hugely stressful.

And guess what? You can’t see a counsellor! If a victim tries to heal, they are punished by the courts who then accuse them of being coached.

So back in 2012, I was raging.

As I had a degree in psychology, I went straight out and signed up for masters in counselling.  As part of that, I spent six months with AWAM, the Malaysian feminist NGO that helps victims of violence.  

When I graduated, I set up my therapy business, and that’s where I am today.

I provide a safe space for anyone who needs it.

Aside from those who have been attacked, there are many others who have trouble accessing mental health support. Doctors, lawyers, and police officers are punished from stress that comes from empathy and exhaustion; care givers are not allowed to be angry; and the LGBTQ community and atheists are also routinely targeted by haters.

I believe there is no justice. Not anywhere. As I see the system is fundamentally hostile to justice, I am super private. I don’t say who my clients are. I don’t share paperwork.  And I keep prices as low as I can, so I’m accessible.

So that’s my origin story 😊

As for the next bit of change, I've decided to start posting on Instagram as part of my marketing. I'm engaging artists now and should be online by the end of this month. You can follow me now though, in anticipation, at https://www.instagram.com/ellentherapist/ Talk to you soon!

Silent Epidemic: Why Social Anxiety Is Exploding, And How You Can Craft A Path To A Happier, Healthier You

We say that anxiety is a mental illness, but few people appreciate exactly what this means. So let’s talk about Julie.

Julie’s Story

Julie doesn’t like to go out. “I’m a bit plump, my family are not rich, and I can’t afford designer handbags,” she says. “When I go out, people will judge me.”

When Julie gets a new job, she is excited. She doesn’t aim for CEO but she wants a decent career path so she has enough money to live without worrying about bills. She hopes to buy a house at some point or to travel.

Social Anxiety Disconnects Us

But as Julie doesn’t like to go out, she goes to the office and then goes straight home. She doesn’t join her colleagues for the weekly after-office drink, and works from home as much as she can.

When her line manager points out that she’s disconnected from the team and that upper management don’t know her, Julie feels nervous.

She wants to be seen but when next invited to go out for a drink, she refuses. She also ducks out of the annual dinner.

To herself she says, “I do my job. That is all that matters.” But secretly she thinks that if she goes out, they’ll judge her.

Julie does a great job. However, six months later she misses out on a promotion. The boost goes to a colleague who is less able than Julie, but he is the bloke who is there, chatting with the bosses at the bar and smooching at the annual corporate dinner.

Because whether we like it or not, business decisions are influenced by connection and friendship.

Everyday Choices or Anxiety?

Julie thinks she’s making everyday choices. However, the truth is that her fears are sabotaging her career advancement.  

Here is what we miss when we talk about anxiety being a mental health issue:
Anxiety creates a nightmare world and convinces us that it is real.

When you live with anxiety, you live in a nightmare – but you don’t see it! You think you are perfectly okay but the truth is that your life is constrained by your fears.

Key Takeaway: when your fears prevent you from living your best life, you have an anxiety issue.

Recognizing Social Anxiety

Here’s what social anxiety looks like:

You have an intense fear of being judged.
You avoid social situations.
If you are in a social situation, or maybe just thinking of one, you are nervous.
You are convinced that you suck at being social.

Summary: if it’s a choice between conversation or Zombie Apocalypse, you’re eating brains.

Why Social Anxiety Is Increasing

According to studies, social anxiety is increasing. Sifting through hundreds of studies, one analysis in 2023 pointed out that the COVID-19 pandemic led to a 25.6% increase in anxiety disorder cases (76.2 million additional cases) and a reset is likely to be slow. 

I believe there are several factors fueling social anxiety:

Talking has been largely replaced by texting. So when you do meet people face to face, just chatting feels weird. It is also more immediate. You can check a text; it’s harder to filter your words.

Online communication is forever. Young adults are used to having every single word they’ve said picked apart and criticized by the pack.

Plus, what they thought when they were 12 is still held against them when they’re 28. It’s unfair, and damaging.

Because of the factors above, I see Gen Z as a traumatized generation; young people have been attacked and harassed to the point where they are often shut down.

The pandemic is important because it has added to the disconnect. But we were already well on the way to trouble.

In a broader sense, social convention and social space architecture are now focused on separation (wrongly dubbed ‘privacy’)

Schools put desks in rows, not in small groups.
Teachers let students do group work with their close friends instead of encouraging them to work randomly with others in their class or year.

Coffee shops and canteens have moved from communal tables to individual tables.  Even pubs have individual tables instead of communal bars and tables.
 

Social disconnect is increasing to the point of absurdity.

I saw a promotion this week for a bus company trip to the next town that highlighted, “We promise never to seat you next to a stranger” meaning they will make sure you have an empty seat next to you rather than ask you to *gasp* sit next to someone for 2 hours!!!

Overcoming Social Anxiety

Don’t let fear clip your wings; you deserve to soar.

The tricky bit about anxiety is that there is usually a kernel of truth in the nightmare. There are people who judge others by the pound or bank balance. That says something about them, not us.

Julie knows this! But anxiety is a mental health issue, remember?  

While a bit of Julie knows her fears are irrational, the main effect is that it is overwhelming.  

The key to effective change is exposure. In non-therapy speak, Julie needs to build up positive experiences to rethink her reality.

In sessions, Julie actively challenges her negative thoughts, practices her social skills in a safe space, and then slowly creates positive experiences in real life.

It is a gradual process where each positive experience helps build up her confidence.

So, if you see a bit of Julie in you, know you’re not alone. Also, there is help.

Don’t let fear clip your wings; you deserve to soar. Contact me.

Images by kandhal keshvala, Pete and WOKANDAPIX from Pixabay

“Is this something I should seek therapy or counselling for?” How therapy and counselling sessions can work for you

One of the questions I’m asked regularly is, “Is this something I should seek therapy or counselling for with you?” If I had any sense at all, my standard reply would be, “Absolutely, and here are my bank details.” Sadly, ethics get in the way.

So here is my response.

Sessions are a tool and like any decent tool, you can use them in different ways.

how sessions can work for you

Some people use sessions to make changes in their lives. For example, if you have a long-term issue that bugs you because it stops you from being your best you, you can explore that in sessions and work on changing your thoughts and behaviour. You go for several sessions, and when you reach your goal, you quit. This is the classic sense of ‘going to therapy.’

Some people use sessions to thrash out a short-term question in a safe space. For example, if you are in a relationship and you’re not sure if you should stay or leave, talking it out in a private session can help you figure out what you want.  You may go once and not go again. Typically, that is called ‘counselling.’  

Finally, there are people like Bob.

Bob is the CEO of a tech startup. He says, “I can’t talk shop at the bar with my mates because it will tank my share prices. I love my wife, she’s a star, but she works too and having me come home and rant for an hour about how Matt from purchasing screwed up is too much. I won’t do that to her. So I want to trauma dump with you. Let’s do every second Tuesday, because that is when my financial partners come in to haul me over the coals.”

So how you use sessions is up to you. Let me know if you’re interested 😊