Looking For Therapy But Don’t Want To Tank Your IPO or High-Octane Career? Here’s What You Need To Know

When you’re dealing with a lot of stress, having a therapist on hand can be a valuable tool. Mental health practitioners are invested in privacy, however, clients are often unclear how our ethics codes work. Here are a few tips so you can make informed decisions.

Active Danger Negates Privacy

A vague, “sometimes I feel I want to vanish” is fine. Being very depressed is also fine. But if you share that you’re planning suicide, your therapist has a duty to save you. Similarly, if you share you plan to hurt someone else, your therapist will sound the alert.

To figure out where the boundaries are, read the agreement. It should state the exceptions clearly and state what action will be taken.

Organisations Will Share Your Information  

Therapists working in a hospital, medical practice or NGO will store client notes in a place where others can access them. This can be useful if you see different people, but you won’t know for sure who gets your information or what they do with it.

In a small organisation, your therapist can tell you who sees what. They typically won’t know in a large organisation because they don’t make those decisions.

The giant online platform BetterHelp was fined $7.8 million recently for selling private client information with major advertising platforms, including Facebook, Snapchat, Criteo, and Pinterest.

Know the difference between Registered and Accredited

A registered therapist belongs to an organisation. An accredited therapist shares your information with colleagues. They then talk about your sessions.

In theory, your therapist should anonymize your information. In practice this can be difficult, especially in smaller communities. Also, they may hand over their notes physically or send them via email.

Note: if your sole therapist is accredited, she may send your notes to a colleague at a hospital or university, and then nobody knows where those notes may end up.

Why does this happen? Mental health business practice has a lot of pyramid scheme or MLM mentality to it. (I know, I’m a cynic. But hang in there and you’ll see why.)

Someone figured out years ago that if you add in a fancy sounding title, unknowing customers will think you’re extra special.  

With ‘accreditation’ therapists pay each other to look over each other’s notes and sessions. The theory is that it promotes extra high standards. It may do, but it also means privacy risk for clients.

The UK’s biggest provider of workplace mental health services, Health Assured, is now being investigated for allowing strangers to "eavesdrop" on confidential calls by listening in to the helpline without the knowledge or permission of callers, in the service of ‘accreditation.’

Also, the cost of chatting about sessions is passed down to the client. A double whammy that really makes me see red, because I believe services should be affordable.

How To Keep Safe

Ask questions. Ask, “Who sees my notes?” and “Where do you store your notes?” and “How often in the last year have you discussed a client session with a third party?”

A quality therapist will tell you all this up front, before you start sessions and share private information. She will also detail exceptions. And finally, it will all be in the agreement–in simple language, not legalese.

So, when you want mental health support, I hope this helps you feel confident and empowered when you reach out. 

Note: with thanks to Chris Sansbury from Pixabay for the image.

Frustrated With Therapists Who Only Reflect Your Feelings? Try Solution-Focused Brief Therapy

Client: She sabotaged me at work, and I know she did it deliberately.
Therapist: How do you feel about that?
Client: I wanted to kill her!  Clearly, I can’t. But still!
Therapist: I’m here for you.
Client: I don’t know what to do about this.
Therapist: How do you feel about that?
Client: ….!

Emotions matter because they give us insight into what may be going on in our lives or our heads. Anger, for example, is a reaction to injustice. So knowing what you’re feeling is useful.

Having a therapist who helps you figure out emotions is useful and being affirmed is not just lovely but gives you the courage to make positive change.

However, if you’re trying to work out new and better ways to manage regular issues, it can be very frustrating to work with a therapist who sticks purely to feelings and affirmation.

The Key to Success: Recognising Approaches

If you want to help someone manage their mental health, you need a proper approach. That means a theory of what constitutes good mental health, what leads to issues, and how you can help the client achieve better mental health.  

There are over 50 different approaches!

The one above is based on client-centered therapy, a system developed by Carl Rogers in the 1950s.

Rogers believed that therapy clients were looking for personal growth, so he focused on creating a supportive and nonjudgmental environment by reflecting the client's feelings, showing empathy, and fostering unconditional positive regard.

It’s great stuff but it is not really suitable if you’re looking for advice or solutions.

Inkie, the junior cat, because every post needs a cat photo

One of the pitfalls of giving advice is that what works for me may not work for you. Luckily for us, though, there is a therapy approach that focuses on creating solutions safely.

Unsurprisingly, it’s called Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT).  This approach was created in the 1980s, a time when efficiency was highly prized, by Steve de Shazer and Insoo Kim Berg.

Solution-focused therapy assumes you have good mental health, are skilled and are just looking for solutions for everyday issues.

Basically, we look at the problem, identify your strengths and resources and work out ways in which you can effect positive change.

Sometimes we use the miracle question, where you imagine how your life will be if the problem is resolved overnight by magic.

With complex issues, the miracle question helps focus on what the goal may look like, how we will know if we’re hitting the right spot, and it also fosters a positive mindset. <- important for motivation and courage!

For complex problems, we break the problem down into steps, each one of which helps you build up progress and motivation.

As I also have 35+ years business experience and am an avid reader, I can also throw in suggestions from personal experience, scientific research, famous case studies, and media articles. It’s all grist to the mill.

While Rogers is the theory must pushed by the BACP and many schools, Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) approach is quietly popular as it’s very practical and empowering. Frankly, it’s one of my favourites.

So, if you want some help making changes, and you value your privacy, talk to me, and tell me you’re looking for Solution-Focused sessions. Thanks for reading!

The Hidden Crisis: The Secret Struggles of Male Sexual Assault Survivors

Men and boys think about sex all the time.

Men and boys don’t care who you are, as long as they can have sex with you.

Men and boys are hunters; they need to mate.

We see and hear this nonsense so often, that it sometimes doesn’t sink in that these nasty stereotypes actively dehumanize and disenfranchise boys and men.

Think about it. By denying men and boys their humanity, it reduces them to bags of hormones looking for satisfaction.

Men Can Be Victims Too

End result? This nonsense creates a world where men and boys cannot be sexually assaulted or raped.

Example #1: Ginny buys Ricky a gin and tonic. She kisses him. Two minutes later, they’re in bed.

Think: you okay with this? It’s borderline, isn’t it? One G&T is okay but we need to know how many Ricky has had so we can figure out if he can still consent.

Supposing Ricky is 15 and Ginny is 30. To me, that is rape because a 15-year-old cannot consent. Ginny is a predator.

Surprisingly, some people will say something like, “Ooooh, he got lucky!” Because all men and boys want sex all the time.  

We are getting better in some places at protecting women from predators. However, the lesson that predators get away with sexual crimes because of power imbalance still hasn’t gotten through when the victims are male.

The truth is that boys and men are sexually assaulted and/or raped in a variety of common situations:
•    In boarding schools
•    In all-male religious rites (churches, mosques, temples, etc)
•    As part of gang initiation  
•    When a victim of another crime such as mugging or robbery
•    In prison
•    In the military (as punishment and/or initiation)
•    In war

The World Health Organization estimates 1 in 3 (30%) of women suffer rape & sexual assault at some point in their lives. Other large studies suggest that 1 in 6 (15%) of men suffer rape & sexual assault at some point in their lives.

Women know that reporting violence typically means more violence. It’s still typically safer for us to shut up than speak up.  However, in the last 40 years we have started to push back a little. In some places we can report. Sometimes, although it’s super rare, we may even get some justice.

Men are still stuck in the 1970s.

Fact: in England and Wales, men were not recognized legally as victims of rape until 1994.

So what do we need to do? Speak up. Shine a light on what goes on. Once we kill the taboo, we have a shot at making effective change.

Talking is scary but I think that the official stats are under-reporting. I believe stats for sexual assault and rape are more like 9/10 for women and 8/10 for men.

Almost every man I know has had an unwanted persistent frightening grope at some point. The difference is that men tend to be attacked when they’re under 21 and women tend to be attacked when under 45.

So talking will help. And if you have been targeted and you want to talk about it in a safe space, consider hiring me as your extremely private therapist. I’m sensible and affordable 😊

Pic courtesy of WOKANDAPIX

Should You See Family You Can’t Stand? This Controversial Take Will Make You Rethink Everything!

One of the hardest things to come to terms with is that not all parents love their kids.

We know this is true because of hard facts. Here is one:

In 2016, there were 10.1 million child trafficking victims. They made up 25% of modern slavery victims. Source Studies show that 41% of all trafficked children are sold into sexual exploitation (54%) and forced labour (31%) by family members. That means that mums and/or dads, backed up by grandparents, aunts, uncles etc, decided that selling the kids is a great idea. Source

This is just one fact that proves family love is not universal.

We have trouble understanding that not all parents love their kids, because society tries to brainwash us.

We are told constantly, “you can trust your family,” and “all parents love their kids unconditionally.”

Life isn’t Disney.
Not all humans were meant to be parents.

There is no such thing as the mother instinct. Some mums bond with their kids, others don’t.
There is no such thing as the father instinct. Some dads bond with their kids, others don’t.

As a child, we think that if our parents don’t love us, that there must be something wrong with us.
This is not sensible thinking.

Sensible thinking says:
When your parents don’t like you–it’s a them problem.

Some humans just don’t love anyone very much. Others take against people for no good reason.

A decent human being recognizes a kid needs love and if they don’t have the feels, they treat the kid well and fake it. The kid may feel the distance or may just think the parent is a bit formal.

An unethical human being takes their anger, frustration, or disinterest out on the kid. Also, many family elders think of children as resources to be exploited.

If your parent is like that, they may have nagged, bullied, or beaten you. Or they let you know they see you purely as a resource for free work and money.

If you don’t want to be near them, that’s okay. In fact, it’s perfectly sensible. We should not want to be close to people who treat us badly.

Unfortunately, society says, “oh, you’ll regret not going to see family” because they’re invested in the Disney vision.

It is terrible advice.

Here’s what I know. I tried for years to build links with difficult parents. Looking back now I have a huge regret: I wish I had spent that time, effort, and money to be with the people I love and who love me back, my husband and my brother and my friends.

I missed out on happiness because I believed that sacrificing my free time was good for the family. It wasn’t. It just cost me.

I wish my friends (and the two therapists I consulted!) had asked me this question, “If you go on this parental visit that you dread, what are you missing out on? How will you feel about that in years to come?”

So if you are thinking of giving up your summer or your Christmas, Deepavali or Eid and dreading having to spend that time with people you don’t like, stop. Think it over.

Ask yourself, “Why am I spending my limited resources on activities that I don’t want?” and then ask, “When I’m 70 and I can’t travel anymore, will I regret not spending time with people I love doing things I love?”

It’s never easy, but by asking ourselves the hard questions, we have a better chance at living happy, authentic lives.

I hope you find this personal sharing interesting.

 

 

 

Terrified Of Failure, Feel Guilty When Relaxing, Or Paralysed When Confronted By Anger? Here's How To Heal From Abuse

I’ve been working with people healing from anxiety, depression, abuse, complex PTSD and stress full-time for 8 years now. Certain patterns come up repeatedly. 

Here are some thoughts about three common issues that come from a dysfunctional childhood.

#Issue 1: If you’re terrified of failure,

I would ask if you were punished for it when you were a child.
If you were, then you have a learned response; you were literally taught to fear failure
This is a problem for many reasons but one of the biggest is that it stops you learning and growing
All the good stuff in life takes a learning curve, which means you fall off a lot  
The way forward to better mental health is to unlearn this learned response
The method that works well is slow exposure and positive feedback
Which means you need to work at having little bits of failure and praising yourself madly for it

#Issue 2: If you feel guilty when you relax,

I would ask if you were taught that guilt when you were a child.
If you were, then you have a learned response; you were literally taught to avoid rest
This is a problem for many reasons but one of the biggest is that it messes up your health
To get to the good stuff in life, you have to be rested and pumped with energy
The way forward to better mental health is to unlearn this learned response
The method that works well is slow exposure and positive feedback
Which means you need to work at having mini rests and praising yourself madly for it
 

#Issue 3: If the thought of someone being angry paralyses you,

I would ask if you were attacked by angry adults when you were a child.
Maybe your parents caned you when they were angry
Maybe your parents screamed at you when they were angry
If you were, then you have a learned response; you were literally taught to associate anger with violence
The way forward to better mental health is to unlearn this learned response
The method that works well is slow exposure and affirming truths
Which means you need to work at being around people who deal ethically with anger and reminding yourself that nobody is allowed to attack you

It is not easy to recognize that present day issues come from your past, specifically because it can be taboo to criticize parents and elders. But if you want positive change, you need to deal with these issues. 

I’ll talk more about how in the next few days. In the meantime, if you are looking for a therapist, hire me  I’m practical, extremely private, affordable and I work exclusively online via voice and video.

Unpopular Opinion: Emotion-Deniers Know Very Well That There Is Injustice, Loss And More But They Don’t Want To Deal With It

Have you noticed the rise in people demonizing emotion?

It can be subtle, “Let’s be rational about this.”
It can be straightforward, “Oh, don’t be so emotional.”

It’s so normalized that many of us don’t really think about this. But if you are interested in mental health, this is a huge red flag.

Ask yourself this: suppose you have poured time and energy into a job, a project, a relationship, or cause, and it doesn’t work out. Should you shrug coldly and announce, “On to the next thing” and move on without a thought?

No! We are not robots (or Vulcans).  Passion is essential to our humanity.

Mr Spock at his console

We should feel anger when there is injustice. We should feel sadness at loss. And it’s perfectly natural to feel frustration when there are obstacles.

So why are there emotion deniers? Some people are afraid of emotion because they link it to behaviour.

But here’s the thing: we choose our behaviour. 

This is why we feel anger when there is injustice but we don’t set cars on fire or hurt others. 

We feel sadness and cry, and that’s okay, even if it resonates with the empathetic people who see it. 

As for frustration, we feel it and choose to express it in sensible terms.

Emotions are essential because they give us information.

Here’s an unpopular opinion: many of the people who tell us not to feel emotions know very well that there is injustice, loss and more but they don’t want to deal with it. 

Abusers are typically emotion-deniers. They weaponise 'logic' because they're messing us about.

Emotions are essential for giving us information about our thoughts and our environment. 

So feel what you feel. See why you feel it. It won’t always be 100% accurate but that’s okay. You have a brain, so you’ll figure it out.

Emotions rock!

Note: picture in the public domain courtesy of NBC Television

From Outrage to Empowerment: My Journey to Therapist in Pursuit of Justice

With the move, I’ve been considering my business. This process included going back to basics and examining my purpose.

I realized that I haven’t shared about this before, so here goes.

When Tom and I moved from Spain to Malaysia, we agreed that he would follow the fixed career path, academia, and I would have the portable job.

I always wanted to write, so I went for it.  Between 1995 to 2015, I wrote and sold 3000 features to newspapers and magazines in 12+ countries plus 10 books with traditional publishing houses and more as an Indie.

Then, in 2012, Malaysia Womens Weekly asked me to write up a feature on rape survivors.

What I learned then is still true today, in Malaysia, the UK, Australia, Spain – actually, everywhere.

For people attacked by rapists, the initial violation is just the beginning. The ‘justice’ process is designed to torture.

Emergency care in hospitals is systematically dehumanizing. Worse, many victims report some of the receptionists, nurses and doctors making nasty victim-blaming remarks.

The police often treat victims like offenders. Female victims have their phones seized and searched, and their dating history scrutinized. Male victims often don’t even get to make a report. They are openly told to get lost.

Because of this, many victims just stop there.

The few who do press on, have to tell their story over and over to police and lawyers. This is intensely traumatizing.

Almost all cases are dumped after a few months anyway, because the courts tell victims they can’t get justice unless there are witnesses. Right, because rapists work in front of an audience.

For the 1 or 2 percent of cases that do go to court, it takes at least 2 years to be heard.  

During those years, you’re scheduled to appear but it changes at the last minute. Or someone doesn’t turn up. Also, papers are lost, staff change, and so you have to gear up and stand down over and over, and retell your story. It’s hugely stressful.

And guess what? You can’t see a counsellor! If a victim tries to heal, they are punished by the courts who then accuse them of being coached.

So back in 2012, I was raging.

As I had a degree in psychology, I went straight out and signed up for masters in counselling.  As part of that, I spent six months with AWAM, the Malaysian feminist NGO that helps victims of violence.  

When I graduated, I set up my therapy business, and that’s where I am today.

I provide a safe space for anyone who needs it.

Aside from those who have been attacked, there are many others who have trouble accessing mental health support. Doctors, lawyers, and police officers are punished from stress that comes from empathy and exhaustion; care givers are not allowed to be angry; and the LGBTQ community and atheists are also routinely targeted by haters.

I believe there is no justice. Not anywhere. As I see the system is fundamentally hostile to justice, I am super private. I don’t say who my clients are. I don’t share paperwork.  And I keep prices as low as I can, so I’m accessible.

So that’s my origin story 😊

As for the next bit of change, I've decided to start posting on Instagram as part of my marketing. I'm engaging artists now and should be online by the end of this month. You can follow me now though, in anticipation, at https://www.instagram.com/ellentherapist/ Talk to you soon!