I'm updating my therapy agreement. Don't panic! It's not an increase

 

I'm updating my therapy agreement. Don't panic! It's not an increase. 

There are two new conditions.

My current rate is £45 per hour but established clients like you get a discount. (If you don't know how this works, ask me.) How those discounts apply will change on 1st April 2025.

First, I am accepting 17-year-olds as clients. If you are a client, your child gets your discounted rate. By child, I mean your kids and step-kids aged 17 and up. Is your kid already in their 30s? Talk to me and we work it out.

Second, established clients maintain their discount for one year only. If you have a gap between sessions that is longer than one year, I treat you as a new client. This means you lose your discount.
 
I appreciate this will have some of you checking in once every 364 days to maintain the rate 'just in case'. If you have feelings about this, text me.

Also, if you want to join the once a month blog post notice, hit reply and tell me and I'll add you to my list. Easy on, easy off.

‘What Were the Kids Doing?’—The Gene Hackman and Betsy Arakawa Deaths and the Hard Truth About Personal Agency

The Gene Hackman and Betsy Arakawa deaths sparked a lot of ‘what were the kids doing’ posts. I think it’s important to share an observation: we have very little control over others, even when they make poor decisions. 

 

We have had these discussions in my family and I have clients who have struggled with this issue too. 

 

When an old person is difficult or makes terrible choices, one cannot simply order them about.

 

You can’t force someone to see a doctor, take their medication, or even take up the offer of you sending a regular cleaner. When an adult says they don’t want your help or your advice, that is the end of the matter.

 

There is one exception: being declared non compos mentis, or incapable of making rational decisions, perhaps due to dementia or other illness.

 

However, the bar for this is extremely high and it costs a fortune. Going to court and asking a judge to take away someone’s rights is incredibly difficult. And rightly so. Freedom is precious. 

 

Mr Hackman had dementia but Ms Arakawa did not. That means the couple made their own choices. 

 

They chose to be reclusive, even though they could afford help. That was a poor choice. Even a twice a week check-in would have saved one of them, and their poor dog. 

 

These situations are extremely common. Many folks refuse to be sensible about their limitations.

It’s hard for bystanders, because we want to control the situation. We think we know best. Also, we worry. 

 

It’s so easy to have an accident, to fall over, to have a stroke or get stuck on the floor. Therefore, it’s infuriating when a person refuses to be sensible.

 

In many families, the kids and the others burn out. They try and try, and eventually give up. It’s a dreadful situation. 

 

I hope that when my time comes, I have enough money to buy check-ins and support. Hopefully, I’ll also have the sense to accept I need it. 

 

However it works, ageing is not easy, for ourselves and the people we love. When it goes wrong because an oldie refuses help, we can make it easier by refusing to blame. 

 

Accepting that many things cannot be fixed is a step towards kindness.

"I’m Not Toxic, I’m Honest! You Don’t Want Me To Be Fake, Do You?" Love, Learned Wrong: How Abusive Homes and Childhoods Teach Us to Sabotage Our Relationships in Later Life

Suze is a sweetheart at work—kind, caring, and respectful. But when she comes home and Ted is excited about finally making the perfect pasta dinner for them, Suze shrugs and shuts him down.  

Ted is hurt and says so. “I spent an hour making this. Why can’t you say something nice?”  
“I don’t care what I eat,” Suze says. “You don’t want me to be fake, do you?”  

A week later, Suze is shocked that Ted has packed his bags and is leaving her.  

What’s going on here? It may be that Suze just doesn’t like Ted, has no manners, and didn’t think to tell him she wanted out of the relationship.  

However, if Suze comes from a difficult or dysfunctional family, she may have been taught to sabotage her most loving relationships.  

Here’s how that works.

Hard Truths: Understanding ‘Respect’ in Abusive Families

Difficult, dysfunctional, toxic or abuse families come in all kinds of flavours.  However, many of them will teach their kids the same lesson:  you must respect me but I will not respect you.

Suze was taught to respect all older people, no matter what.
“If your aunt calls you fat and stupid, just smile.”
“I can scream insults at you but you are never allowed to be in a bad mood.”
“Don’t do as I do; do as I tell you.”

Also, Suze learned some powerful lessons about her feelings.

When Suze was 6, she got an A for art. Her dad said,
“Yeah, well, so what. It’s not going to earn you money, is it?”
When Suze cried and showed she was upset, her dad said,
“I’m your father and I’m giving you good advice.”

When Suze was 9, she tried on a princess dress and loved it. Her mum said,
“You’re too fat to wear that.”
When Suze cried and was upset, her mum said,
“Family always tell each other the truth.”

From this, Suze learned:
•    It’s okay to hurt the people close to you.
•    Cruelty is honest.   
•    When you’re powerful, being vicious is acceptable.

So when Suze goes out into the world, she treats her loved ones with disdain, disrespect or even cruelty and calls it ‘being honest’. And then she wonders why she loses friends and can’t sustain a loving relationship.

Breaking the Cycle: How to Heal Generational Trauma

If your partner is a Suze

If you live with a Suze, you may want to leave. That’s a valid choice. Nobody should put up with abuse and nastiness.  

If you are willing to give them a chance for change, sit them down and have a good talk.  

Define the unwanted behaviour, define the wanted behaviour, set a deadline by which you want to see change, and send them to me so they get help making the change.  

Be compassionate, but be careful. Being abusive is nice because you get to do what you want. Be careful you’re not rewarding token efforts or enabling unacceptable behaviour.

If you are the toxic partner

If you are the Suze: breathe!  Also, if you have a nasty narrator in your head, tell her to shove off while we talk.

Here are some truths:
•    Kids learn by copying the adults around them. It’s how humans work.
•    Everyone is a mess of good and not so good.
•    As we grow up, we begin to analyse our values and behaviour.
•    Sometimes you’ll look at some of your values and behaviour and think, “I’m going to call that a feature and keep it” and some others you’ll say, “Yikes! That I want to change.”
•    All human beings are a constant self-improvement project.
•    Change takes insight and effort.  First, human beings resist change. Second, thoughts, values and behaviour are linked.  To change how you act, you need to understand how you think.
•    We often underestimate how many skills we have. This is because we tend to limit ourselves depending on different environments. For example, Suze is friendly at work so she has good social and respect skills. All she has to do is transfer them to her home life.

Change is easier when you have professional support. That’s where I come in.

I can help you turbocharge the process, helping you achieve your goals with ease.  When you’re ready to become the best version of yourself, drop me a note. You deserve to be happy 🌟

Image by Mo Farrelly at Pixabay

Why Abuse Survivors Hate Valentine's Day and Other Holidays

Abuse survivors typically aren’t comfortable with Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Chinese New Year, Deepavali, Eid and other holidays for good reason. When you are with people who enjoy being nasty, who take any opportunity for offense, and who live for creating drama, you learn: celebration = trouble.

Raj won’t celebrate Deepavali because that’s when his dad gets drunk and screams.

Grace’s bulimia flares up at Chinese New Year because that’s when her aunts bully her for being single.

Fiona is nervous around Valentine’s Day because her ex would hijack the holiday and use it to:
•    Tell she wasn’t pretty enough,
•    Complain his gift that wasn’t right,
•    Accuse her of cheating,
•    And then scream at her in public to humiliate her.

Holidays are fun when you are with good people, but for survivors these events bring up a fear reaction.  

If you know a Fiona, Grace or Raj, be kind.
If you are Fiona, Grace or Raj, know you’re not stuck!  You can learn new habits and create effective change.  If you’re looking for help on that, PM me <3  

How Childhood Spanking and Caning Impact the Brain: Links to Anxiety and Memory Issues

In my free 15-minute discussion with potential clients I ask some basic questions about your mental health history.

If you tell me you are an over-thinker, and self-harmed when you were a teen or had a bout of bulimia, I make a note to check into childhood abuse during sessions. If you don’t remember much about growing up, I’ll ask about childhood punishment.

Shocking, right? But here’s why I do so. 

First, there is a link between childhood violence and anxiety in later life. 
Second, self-harm and eating disorders can be a result of anxiety.
Third, violence is linked to memory issues.

Many of us worry about judging our parents or evaluating our childhood. However, it’s an important topic because the effects of violence can stop you from leading your best life.  

Here’s what the science says and some suggestions for effective change and safe healing.

The Science of Violence

As this is a tough topic, here are Tic Tac and Inkie

Research is accelerating rapidly due to technology (imaging mostly) so a lot of theory is now being tested and evaluated.

For example, we used to think that spanking and yelling were totally different from caning and sexual assault. Turns out that’s wrong!

When you are small and your parent or other guardian adult hits you, you suffer from violence, pain, and you feel helpless. For a little kid, spanking is a violent event.

What the child learns is that he or she is not safe, not even with a parent or guardian. That is scary!

Research shows that such violence can rewire young brains.

In 2021 a team lead by Jorge Cuartas at Harvard University recruited 147 kids aged around 11 years old. They hooked the kids up to a brain scan machine and then showed them an angry face.

They discovered that the 40 kids who’d been spanked showed brain activity associated with anxiety. The 107 kids who has not been spanked didn’t have that reaction. Source and Source

In simple English, children who learn that they can’t be safe become very sensitive to danger.  

As their threshold of danger is low, they are much more anxious in everyday life. They see danger where other people are confident. That has a lasting impact.

What I see in my practice is that people who are very sensitive to danger, are typically scared of people being angry or upset. They are also scared of making mistakes. 

Because of this, they avoid opportunities for growth. They are so scared of making a mistake that they will only take opportunities where they can get things 100% right easily. They won’t risk learning something that involves a lot of hit and miss.

BUT it’s not one-size-fits-all. 

Theory and big studies are excellent for big picture thinking but it is a mistake to apply it ruthlessly to individuals.

Some kids are more affected than others. Some kids heal. Why is a hugely debated question.

Variables include:

·         The character of the violence, e.g, how violent, how often, when, what, how
·         The personality of the child, e.g some personality factors appear to protect against harm
·         The child’s environment, e.g was it one person, many people, what was the support network like, what models did the child have growing up
·         Culture, e.g is the punishment associated with shame for the target or the aggressor, is it widespread in that culture or not

Because of these variables, helping people assess damage and charting a healing path takes some work.

There is no fixed formula for healing.  

The Impact of Violence On Memory

A lot of the people I speak to don’t remember their childhood very clearly because they were caned or punished often.

Current thinking runs along these lines:  source  source

·         We don’t know a lot about how memory works.
·         We know that people have imperfect memory of violent events
·         We do know that violence causes a surge of brain activity, including the release of stress hormones
·         We think that the stress hormones may disrupt the memory making process

As violence messes with memory making, and everyone is different, how violence impacts on us varies from person to person and from event to event.

Example: if Kim is caned by her parents, she may remember how her mother looked, what her father said just before they beat her, and the pain of that first stroke. 

However, she may not remember the rest of the attack or the rest of that day. 

Some of those details may come back later BUT as the brain does tend to ‘suggest’ details so it ‘feels right’ some of those details may be correct and some may not. 

So, just trying to remember the details about trauma is tricky. source

Steps And Obstacles To Healing

One of the major obstacles for doing this is judgement. If you are frightened of judging your parents and guardians, consider these points:

Pre-internet, parents didn’t know a lot about parenting. They did what their parents did. This is why we have generational trauma.

However, beating a child who is terrified takes some doing. In therapy, both parents and clients have shared experiences where adults attacked kids because they were in a bad mood. 

So here is my prime directive: violence is a choice. If you were attacked by an adult, it’s on them.

However, as people make mistakes, you may decide to talk it over.  In some families, this conversation includes acknowledgement of harm, an apology, and is healing.

Then again, given that many violent adults refuse to acknowledge the harm they do, that may not be possible. 

You should know that many parents double down and claim it is their right to be violent. Or they lie and try to gaslight you into thinking it never happened.

Thankfully, you can heal without family participation.

To heal, you see where you are today, identify if you have anxiety and if so, where and how it works, and then implement steps for effective change. Again, while the process is simple, there is no fixed formula for the work that needs done. Every person is different. 

My usual advice to clients is:

·         Don’t worry about ‘normal’ – you feel the way you do and that’s okay
·         Healing is a process.  What doesn’t work for you today may work tomorrow, so keep assessing and moving forward
·         You can learn from all kinds of resources about healing from violence. Listen to the experiences of military people, charity workers, social workers, paramedics, doctors, nurses, parents with sick kids – everyone has a story and it’s surprising what you can learn just from listening with an open mind

Healing is always at hand. If you want help from a professional therapist skilled in healing from abuse, you know where to find me.

There Are No Safe Spaces, Only Safe People. Recognizing and Protecting Yourself from Predators in Charities and Support Groups

Here’s a radical take: charities and support groups are riddled with predators.

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while, and as it’s New Year, it’s a good time for some reframing. Let me explain my reasoning, and then you can make up your own mind.

As young people are typically vulnerable, pedophiles have worked in boarding schools, youth groups, social clubs, and religious organisations for many years.

However, as some countries are beginning to screen adults who work with kids, clever predators have moved on to situations where there is less scrutiny.

If you want to volunteer with a charity or ask for help, here are some thoughts on how predators think, work, and what you can do to spot and stay safe from them.

Understanding Predators

Predators come in different flavours, but for simplicity’s sake, we can summarise.

Predators seek to control and dominate their targets
Their goal is power, money, to attack them physically or possibly all three
Their tools include charm, intimidation, threats, coercion, manipulation and gaslighting

The Predator’s Ideal Environment

Although predators have different goals and strategies, they all need targets who are vulnerable.

Vulnerable people are those who are disempowered, scared, isolated, sick, or suffering from poor mental health.

Where do you find large groups of vulnerable people? Answer: charities, emergency services, and support groups.

Scope Of Predators In Charities

I hear stories often of a charity worker abusing their position to target colleagues and crisis victims. Typically, these charities are very small, with just a few staff.  These stories don’t make the press.

You’d think big organizations would be on top of this. So here are some scary facts:

The United Nations received 758 allegations of sexual exploitation and abuse committed by staff in 2023. It’s the tip of the iceberg. Source

It's known to be a huge problem for ages.  Back in 1996, a United Nations study reported that in 6 our 12 country studies, the arrival of peacekeeping troops led to a rapid rise in child prostitution. Source

Twenty years later, in 2017, the Associated Press reported that 134 Sri Lankan UN peacekeepers had been running a child sex ring in Haiti since 2007. Source

In 2018, Oxfam/Action Against Hunger, Save the Children, and the United Nations admitted covering up for senior staff who had abused and exploited both crisis victims and their own charity staff for years. Source Source

The World Health Organization was caught covering up for senior staff who were abusing and sexually exploiting aid victims and charity staff during the 2018-2020 Ebola crisis. Source Source

A 2022 special Humanitarian Policy Group report says nothing has changed because nobody is prepared to pay for safety. Source

How To Keep Safe

Charities can offer some excellent services, so the trick is to be careful with your trust.

Strong Boundaries. Whether you volunteer, work there or need help, look for a professional bond, not a friendship.  

• No parties
• No suggestion that it's a family
• No getting involved with your social life
• No solo trips or outings

Watch For Mind Games. Tigers have stripes for a reason; you don’t know what they are until they’re eating you. Similarly, predators are very good at hiding their true nature. So what you need to focus on is recognizing a mental environment where predators flourish.

Avoid organisations with:

• Charismatic leaders who are considered perfect or wise
• An emphasis on conformity, groupthink, or loyalty
• Untouchable people or favourites who don’t follow rules 
• Intimidation or punishment for disagreeing 
• Constantly changing rules 
• Being labelled with mental illness (bipolar, autistic, ADD etc) by anyone who is not a licensed medical doctor and psychiatrist

I hope you find this useful. Stay safe and Happy New Year! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Why Is Therapy So Expensive? And Do Your Bargain Rates Mean You Suck?" "Why Is Therapy So Expensive? And Do Your Bargain Rates Mean You Suck?" Breaking down therapy costs and how to figure out whether you are getting quality service for your money.

Therapy is wildly unregulated in most places. There are people who work for free or very low fees and others who charge a fortune.

We’re all careful with money, right? So you would be sensible to ask, why pay for therapy at all?

#1 Expertise Takes Training = Expensive. I’m a level 7 registered counsellor and psychotherapist, which is about the highest you can go; only a PhD is higher at a level 8.

My training consists of a Bachelor's degree, and a Master's degree. Aside from the classes, the Master’s degree included over 1,000 hours of unpaid internships, including 300 hours of therapy work supervised by other level 7s.

The training takes 6 to 7 years, and it costs a fortune. Part of the fees you pay goes to recoup my investment in my training. I also need to eat!

The upside for you is this: quality. 

Many charities and services offer mental health services but don't actually have anyone who is properly trained. As most countries allow anyone to practice, terms like 'our trained therapists' may mean someone who's read a book or taken a weekend course.  

Of course, some of these people can be very helpful some of the time! But there's also a dangerous downside. As they aren't trained, they will have trouble identifying issues and identifying evidence based best practice approaches.

Think of it in terms of plumbing. If you want to change a tap, you might be okay with a mate who has a spanner and who can read an instruction pamphlet. But would you let them install a new bathroom? Probably not.

I’m a quality plumber. The kind you trust to put in the bathroom complete with jacuzzi bath and fancy sink.  

#2 There’s Prep. You talk for an hour and stop. I put the notes together, invoice, and before we talk next time, I read the notes and prep. It takes time.

There’s other admin that comes with running a business, like doing my taxes, keeping my professional paperwork going and more, so your fees also contribute to paying for those overheads.

My professional memberships alone cost me £350 year, so the first 100 hours I work I don’t see a penny. I could drop them, but then it makes connecting with new clients harder.

#3 Training Never Stops. Every job involves constant learning but psychology is particularly intensive.

I do constant journal sweeps as well as reading new publications, attending lectures, and taking short courses. It costs money to stay current.

OK, So Why Are You Cheaper Than Your Peers?

Level 7s typically charge £70 to £100 for 50 minutes so I could charge a lot more and work fewer hours. Sadly, I have this pesky vision that mental health services should be reasonably affordable.

Therefore, I work on McDonald’s economic principles: lower margins but more people.  It means I work a bit more but I like my work so that’s okay.

I keep costs down by working online from home. I don’t have extra rent, a personal assistant, and I do my own marketing too.

When I’m older though, I plan to put up my prices and work a lot less. So hire me while I’m affordable 😊