From Strangers to Friends: Crafting Connections When You're the New Kid in Town

Image by Chu Viết Đôn from Pixabay

We just moved house and I am lonely. 

It's taboo, isn't it? To say that we feel we lack friends? But it's a huge problem. 

Loneliness: The Secret Silent Global Epidemic

In 2023, the World Health Organisation said that current global estimates suggest that 25% older adults experience social isolation and between 5-15% of teens experience loneliness.

In the UK, the 2022 Community Life Survey found almost one in 10 young people in the UK feel lonely often or always. In the USA, about half of adults report measurable levels of loneliness.  

As loneliness is such a huge issue, and we tend not to talk about it, I have been posting my experiences online. I hope to break the taboo, and hopefully to help others.

Thankfully, this is a happy story because we're making friends! 

Friendship After Relocation

We moved to Thornaby in England, a place we had never been before, 10 weeks ago. We have no family here. 

Usually, work provides connections. Not for us! I run my own business, and as a therapist I can't be friends with clients. As for Tom, he had to wait to apply for work because companies wanted to be sure he has a visa first.

Therefore, loneliness was one of my top concerns (along with finding good cat food for Target, Tic Tac and Inkie).

Socializing In A New City

Friendship is about turning up and talking to people, finding common ground, and then meeting up over and over again, so that the connection deepens. 

After landing in Thornaby, we went straight out to the local pub. In the past, the interior design of pubs was fostered to promote community. Sadly, this has changed. The old horseshoe bars where strangers mingle are mostly out, and lots of individual tables are in. So you go out - and sit by yourself!

This is something scientists and politicians should be interested in: interior design in public places should promote communication, not foster isolation.

One pub is too far away for comfort. A second pub is nice but after 4 visits we still weren't beyond a, "What would you like to drink?" So we concentrate on the third pub, our local. After a few visits, people started to chat.

In addition, we looked into mixers. We found the local council has a meet and greet - which led to my first ever game of bingo. We also found a garden bowls group, a classic British game. We're having a go at that tomorrow.

Finally, I joined a book group. It's lovely but it meets only once a month, so probably won't be very productive in terms of connecting.

For us, going to the pub and meeting a happy crowd was the game changer. We have been twice now to meet the same gang, and had a lovely time. So we are on our way.

If you want all the details, I have posted on Facebook about each effort.

My first post, explaining the plan

My second post, visiting the pub alone

My third post, disaster report! 

My fourth post, more planning

My fifth post, success!

Dealing With the Fear of Rejection

Everyone is capable of stepping out in some way, but one of the typical obstacles to reaching out is, “What if they don’t like me?”

I should disclose here that I am bold.  When I meet people who don’t like me, that’s okay.  This is partly experience, I talk to hundreds of people every year as part of my therapy and feature column work, but it’s also partly attitude.

I'm sharing my philosophy because a change of mindset is empowering.

The process of making friends starts impersonally. Yes, it's not about you!

Let me put it this way: suppose Alice likes books, tea and cats, and Joan likes football and raves. They’re both perfectly nice people, but they’re not a good match. 

Building friendships, at least at the beginning, is about matching interests and attitudes. My point of view is that out of 100 people, a good half will have interests that don’t match mine. And that’s okay.

As for judgement, yes, a surprising amount of people confuse “not a match” with “don’t like” or nasty labels like “boring” or “stupid”. That says a lot about them; it’s nothing to do with me.    

When I meet a non-match, I make the most out of the encounter and then I move on. 

How To Game The System

Making friends is a percentage game – at the beginning. You may meet a lot of non-matches at first. Knowing that gives me energy to try again and again, without feeling bad about it.

However, once you meet a match, then the opportunity changes because people tend to hang with their matches.

I think of it as bubbles. If I meet a person I get along with, their bubble is bound to be my cup of tea. I will actively ask for introductions (the bold part) and it usually works great!

Also, as making friends at the beginning is not personal, I am practical about non-matches. When I meet a person who is not a match, I know their bubble is likely to be similar, so it’s best I give it a miss and try something else.   

If You're Introverted

I am fairly introverted, so I keep an eye on my energy levels. I plan my socialising carefully, in blocks on certain days. But when I do go out, I go all out. 

I suggest that you plan carefully, so you make sure you don't overdo it. However, do be consistent. Part of the magic is turning up regularly. You can't make friends if you only see people once in a blue moon!

So there you have my approach. My method means I can approach new connections with optimism and interest. It works well for me. But I am not shy. If you are, then I’d say go at it but do it with a friend. 

Does this resonate? Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.

Visa Worries, An Expat Therapist Shares Personal Coping Tips

So about our Talent Visa woes: there’s no change yet, but there have been some questions. Next week we lose our permission to work after 25+ years here in Malaysia, unless someone at immigration wields a stamp. The questions have been mostly, “Why aren’t you going nuts?!”

I’d love to say it’s because I’m the greatest mental health therapist in the entire world, and my calm is entirely due to my using my knowledge about depression, anxiety etc to flow through this. Yeah, I should lie like a rug and say Hire Me! 😊

Truth is, the job does help but it’s also partly experience and personality.

The experience says that this is a tough time, but there have been worse times. Nobody is dead. Nobody is bankrupt. Nobody is at death’s door. So the reality is that there is inconvenience and annoyance, but no tragedy. I find that a massive comfort.

Next, from my work: when you’re in a tight spot, look to your rock. Your rock is whatever it is that gives you safety. This can be religion, a place, money etc etc.

For me it’s money in the bank. I believe that money makes you free. My personal minimum target is if you can do nothing in terms of revenue making for a year and still be okay, that makes you pretty much bullet-proof. I’ve got that, so I’m blessed.

Next, it’s working out what absolutely needs to be done. For me that’s Tom who needs another operation at the end of the year, and moving the cats abroad. Everything else is nice but not necessary. I can abandon my books, my things, everything. It’s just stuff. Only Tom and the cats matter. I can arrange their needs, no matter what.  That is a comfort.

As for the rock, a safety margin of cash, I’ve even got a plan for that. If it all goes pear-shaped in 8 days, I get on a bus, move to a nearby country, set up temporarily and keep working while I arrange for the next big move. Inconvenient, but with my work being entirely portable, it really isn’t a big deal.  

What cements is all is choosing to be happy every day. I know what gives me the feels: petting Target, playing with Tic Tac and Inkie, making very nice dinners and sharing them with Tom while watching old films.

So every single day I set aside time to pet and play then I cook and we watch black and white films. Those moments of happiness are mine. They can’t ever be taken away. They’re locked in my mind and they run through the fabric of my life.   

And finally, I think personality has a lot to do with calm. It’s tough times but I’m the type who breathes through and keeps moving forward. It’s useful for me and my job, but I get it can be super annoying.

With all the drama, I’ve had several mates this week exclaim, “How can you sit there and be so calm!!!!!!!!!!” and advising, “Call immigration! Call the Talent people again!! Write in the newspaper!!! Do something!!!!!!!!!”

I really appreciate that love. It’s heaven to know so many people care. But when you’re anxious, action appears to be useful. Reality is that everything that can be done, has been done. And now we just have to wait and see. 

Update 14 November 2022: we got it!  Five years. But we think the writing is on the wall for foreigners in Malaysia, so we plan to move to the UK in 2023. As I work online, it will be business as usual :-)

Image by jacqueline macou from Pixabay

Expat Life: Staying Sane During Visa Application And Renewal

Digital nomading sounds so glam. Working on your laptop by a sunny pool, in December, freshly squeezed guava juice at your side. What could be nicer?

While it's lovely to travel, working abroad also means endless paperwork for visas. I'm doing ours at the moment, and so it's at the top of my mind.

Here are some thoughts on how to stay sane during this challenging time.

Stress #1 Control, Agency and Importance
The visa directs where you live and for how long, so it's important. 

You have very little control over when or whether it's granted. As human beings don't do well with helplessness, this will be a primary stressor.

Mental Health Tip: Acknowledge that feeling stressed because you are helpless and uncertain is actually a sensible reaction. Breathe through it. Practice self-care.

Practical: You're doing this for a reason, so treat it like a project and set goals for success and failure. Do you want the visa because it looks good on the CV? Because of the income you make? Some other reason?

Whatever it is, put a value on it and figure out how much effort you are willing to spend to get it. Then make a failure target so that you know when to walk away.

For example, "Getting the visa means an international credit on my CV and will net me $1500 a month more in income for two years. I'm willing to invest one month and $5000. If there's no positive by date X or they ask for more money, I walk."

Stress #2 Backup plan
There are usually options, so make a list of alternative destinations and jobs. Maybe you stay home, go home, or try another country.

Most importantly, make sure you work out a timeline! You don't want to be stuck in one country with paperwork that's running out, or having trouble with the revenue stream, on top of being unsure of where you're going.

Stress #3 Confusion and Conflict
Visa bureaucracy typically involves several government departments, all of whom have different agendas. They likely don't talk to each other. If you've applying for a new visa, you may spend all your time dealing with people who are as new to this as you are.

Mental Health Tip: Acknowledge that feeling stressed because you are helpless and uncertain is actually a sensible reaction. Breathe through it.

Mental Health Tip: remember why you're doing this! See the stress as partial payment for what you're going to get out of it when you succeed.

Stress #4 Time Budget
Be certain you have a time budget set aside. As it typically takes several dozen hours of labour of which collecting documents is the simplest part, treat this like a major project with milestones.

Practical: devoting a block of time regularly can be more useful than jumping to respond. Me, I do my paperwork in a one morning block, and devote a whole day to visiting a department. If I finish early, I treat myself to time off and pat myself on the back.

Stress #5: Follow The Basics
Eat properly, get decent sleep, eliminate small stresses and exercise. Yes, obvious, but without veggy, protein and sleep your body can't work. So be certain you don't sabotage your health.

Mental Health Tip: I get off social media and reread favourite books. The lack of notifications lower my overall alert level and the old favourites are a throwback to old comfortable times.  Try it and see!

Stress #6: Rope in Friends
A problem shared is a problem halved, but apart from the emotional support, talking to a local friend will help remind you why you like to stay.

If you're looking for tips, chat to someone from your own country who recently and successfully managed the process. If you're lucky, there may be a shortcut or two you didn't know about.  

Mental Health Tip: remember the points of stress #1 Control, Agency and Importance

I speak from the heart. This is my fifth country, and I'm in the middle of applying for my fifteenth? Eighteenth? Gazzilionth visa. I used to work visas for expat engineers in other countries too, so all in all, I've processed more than a hundred visas over 30 years.

The biggest takeaway is that I've learned that all countries are hostile to expats. You can have politicians moaning they need workers, or raving about luring you in with special promotional paperwork, but it's not them doing the actual visa processing.  

So try not to talk it personally. Decide if it's for you, and if it is, go do it.   

Finally, if you need mental health support, book a session with me. I'm nice and affordable as I live in a developing nation. And I'll know what you're talking about.

Practical Tips For Effective Helping When Expats Die Overseas

When someone dies overseas, red tape is a nightmare. Here are some thoughts on how to manage effectively.

We lost a friend in a traffic accident just over a month ago, and so our community has been in mourning. Now we’re climbing out of the initial shock, I thought I’d get this down in case others find it useful.

#1 Know You’re Not Thinking Straight

When someone young dies in an accident, devastating loss comes with an extra whammy of shock. That combination does some very strange things to your thinking.

For me, the last month has been like thinking through cotton wool. I’ve been slow to make connections and I’ve been forgetting things. My temper has been very much up and down as well.

This combination makes it difficult to attend to all the practical things that have to happen: arranging the funeral, and starting on the paperwork process to get the estate wound up.

When you’re an expat, red tape is a nightmare. So, if you are overseas and find yourself helping out in tragic circumstances, here are some practical tips.

#2 Hire An All Round Fixer For The Funeral Arrangements

Before you can bury someone, you need a death certificate. You also need to have that endorsed by the embassy of the person who died. If there is no living spouse, and no other direct family present, you will need extra paperwork that gives you the right to deal with funeral arrangements. 

You know what it’s like to do even normal things, like renewing a work permit: it takes multiple visits to find out what paperwork you need, and then you’ve got to queue, get everything in triplicate and even then there’s going to be something forgotten or missing.

My advice is that it’s not worth doing this paperwork yourself. You’re already stressed to the max, and to have to run around for days on end talking to officials, will likely bring you close to collapse.

Top Tip: there are funeral service companies that do it all for you. They have all the contacts so they know what paperwork needs to be done, and they have the clout to make sure it’s done swiftly and properly. Also, they don’t queue.

Important: Don’t go for a local company that only deals with local deaths! The paperwork involving a local death is different than that involving an expat. Pick a company that deals with expats.

The question you need to ask to check if the company is sound is:

How do I know the death certificate will be accepted back in my home country?

And the answer you want to hear is one that involves the local certificate being stamped by your embassy.

#3 Grieving Spouses Are Blank With Grief

That cotton wool thinking that hit me is nothing compared to what hits the bereaved family. In my experience, it doesn’t matter if people cry or are calm, if they have lots of family around or none, if they are local or not - over the first few weeks, every one acts in the same way.

What you are dealing with is someone who will say, “Yes. No. Okay.” And a day later, they won’t even remember seeing you. They’re not being difficult. They’re just blank with grief.  This blankness lasts at least a month.

This leads to...

#4 Decide How You Need To Help

There are two extremes. Some people fight grief with action. They need to be doing stuff so they can put off the hurt that comes with loss. Other people are paralysed by emotion. They can’t think at all. 

Others still fall in the middle. They may keep busy by pursuing one particular task. Again, some go for a known comfort activity, such as cooking while others obsess over one aspect of the situation, perhaps intent on getting together the perfect funeral.

My advice: let people do their grieving in their own way, and match your support by complimenting the places where they’re not going.

So for the man who is focusing on funeral flowers and music but who just can’t deal with condolence calls, step in and offer to answer the phone and reply to the email and Facebook posts. 

#5 Keep Meticulous Notes

At the very least, you’re going to have to: inform family and friends over several countries, talk to the deceased’s landlord, deal with the deceased’s company (clearing out desks, handing over laptops etc), and then you may have to also look at canceling work visas, talking to accountants over taxes, etc etc. If there are kids left behind, add in dealing with schools.

My advice: Rope in friends. I have to say, the people who stepped up for us were absolutely totally amazing.  I won’t name them here, but oh boy, talk about respect.

Anyway, rope in friends, and share out tasks so you don’t overlap. Most of all, make sure you don’t drop a loop by keeping itemised to do lists.

My list was divided into headings: accommodation, school, family and friends updated, and so on.... I wrote down what had to be done, who was in charge of doing it, and I marked tasks to be done, in progress, and complete.

Now, to get back to your bereaved friend....

#6 Act Like A Secretary

Support during bad times is an art, and there are no fixed rules. I think it’s important to balance respect with relieving the burden.

I’d say, if you are roped in to help, act as a secretary.  You’re your friend’s PA, which means you take them over what needs to be done, and ask them what they want you to do.

Deal with urgent matters but don’t be shy about putting off less important decisions until later.

Warning: don’t sign anything and don’t let the bereaved person sign anything. Grief messes up your brain so it is at this point that crooks and con artists come out of the woodwork. If you’re not careful, you will sign up for paying endless fees for services that you don’t want or that are actually free.

Tip: the more they push and yell and threaten, the more likely it is they are crooks trying to intimidate you. Push back by saying, “Write a letter and the family will refer it to their lawyer.”  Even if there is no money to hire a lawyer, that legal bit will quiet the legit ones.

At some point the bereaved family will come out of the fog and take over. As long as you have it all down on paper, you won’t drop a loop.

#7 Breathe

It’s horrible, it sucks but when you feel overwhelmed, take a step back and remind yourself that it’s always difficult to adjust to violent sudden change.

Go do something nice for yourself. Surround yourself with friends, and have a laugh. My personal view is that mourning is made a little easier if you celebrate life.

I hope this helps.