Everyone’s Struggling Financially. Most Couples Aren’t Talking. Let’s Fix That

If you’re feeling the pinch and arguing about money, you’re not alone. 

Research shows we’re seeing a global hit on living standards thanks to inflation as well as a fragile labour market. Source

Unfortunately, talking about money can be tricky. 

In Singapore, 70% of people face financial challenges with their partners, and around one in ten say they argue about money more than anything else. Source

In the UK, 15% of couples argue about paying for meals, holidays or home items. Unequal earnings are also a hot spot with 44% quarreling over a partner earning more but spending freely and 27% clashing about the other not paying their fair share. Source

Also, around 38–40% of people in relationships have secret accounts or hidden money/debt. Source

In the US, 45% of couples argue about money at least occasionally, with 25% saying money is their biggest fight. The most common tussles concern saving for retirement (54%) and not knowing how much they should save for retirement (55%). Source

If you find it hard to talk money, here are some tips.

1.    Schedule.  Every week/fortnight/month for 15–40 minutes. No phones, no calls, no interruptions.  
2.    Only one item on the agenda. Either bills, debt, saving, retirement etc. A tight focus prevents fights from spiraling.
3.    A budget is a tool; it’s not moral judgement. Agree on shared goals. Example: “reduce stress,” “save for X,” or “cap impulse spending to YYY.” 
4.    Be methodical. For example: list options, state preference, try the preferred option, review together. If it doesn’t work, change it! This prevents endless debating.
5.    Speak as friends. Not “You don’t care” but “Random spending makes me feel disrespected”

Money is difficult. If you want a confidential space to talk, we can check-in, assess what’s going on and work on a sensible path forward.

But before I go, a note about therapy sessions and costs. 

Thank you! You’ve supported me these ten years and more, and I really appreciate your trust. 

Costs are going up but I’m not putting up my prices. Everything stays as it is until December 1st, 2026 – and then we’ll see how it all stacks up.

Also, at the start of this year I offered a consistency discount where you receive 10% off your sixth session. I’m extending that until December 1st, 2026 too.

I believe mental health services should be accessible so will do my best to keep it as it is. 

From Strangers to Friends: Crafting Connections When You're the New Kid in Town

Image by Chu Viết Đôn from Pixabay

We just moved house and I am lonely. 

It's taboo, isn't it? To say that we feel we lack friends? But it's a huge problem. 

Loneliness: The Secret Silent Global Epidemic

In 2023, the World Health Organisation said that current global estimates suggest that 25% older adults experience social isolation and between 5-15% of teens experience loneliness.

In the UK, the 2022 Community Life Survey found almost one in 10 young people in the UK feel lonely often or always. In the USA, about half of adults report measurable levels of loneliness.  

As loneliness is such a huge issue, and we tend not to talk about it, I have been posting my experiences online. I hope to break the taboo, and hopefully to help others.

Thankfully, this is a happy story because we're making friends! 

Friendship After Relocation

We moved to Thornaby in England, a place we had never been before, 10 weeks ago. We have no family here. 

Usually, work provides connections. Not for us! I run my own business, and as a therapist I can't be friends with clients. As for Tom, he had to wait to apply for work because companies wanted to be sure he has a visa first.

Therefore, loneliness was one of my top concerns (along with finding good cat food for Target, Tic Tac and Inkie).

Socializing In A New City

Friendship is about turning up and talking to people, finding common ground, and then meeting up over and over again, so that the connection deepens. 

After landing in Thornaby, we went straight out to the local pub. In the past, the interior design of pubs was fostered to promote community. Sadly, this has changed. The old horseshoe bars where strangers mingle are mostly out, and lots of individual tables are in. So you go out - and sit by yourself!

This is something scientists and politicians should be interested in: interior design in public places should promote communication, not foster isolation.

One pub is too far away for comfort. A second pub is nice but after 4 visits we still weren't beyond a, "What would you like to drink?" So we concentrate on the third pub, our local. After a few visits, people started to chat.

In addition, we looked into mixers. We found the local council has a meet and greet - which led to my first ever game of bingo. We also found a garden bowls group, a classic British game. We're having a go at that tomorrow.

Finally, I joined a book group. It's lovely but it meets only once a month, so probably won't be very productive in terms of connecting.

For us, going to the pub and meeting a happy crowd was the game changer. We have been twice now to meet the same gang, and had a lovely time. So we are on our way.

If you want all the details, I have posted on Facebook about each effort.

My first post, explaining the plan

My second post, visiting the pub alone

My third post, disaster report! 

My fourth post, more planning

My fifth post, success!

Dealing With the Fear of Rejection

Everyone is capable of stepping out in some way, but one of the typical obstacles to reaching out is, “What if they don’t like me?”

I should disclose here that I am bold.  When I meet people who don’t like me, that’s okay.  This is partly experience, I talk to hundreds of people every year as part of my therapy and feature column work, but it’s also partly attitude.

I'm sharing my philosophy because a change of mindset is empowering.

The process of making friends starts impersonally. Yes, it's not about you!

Let me put it this way: suppose Alice likes books, tea and cats, and Joan likes football and raves. They’re both perfectly nice people, but they’re not a good match. 

Building friendships, at least at the beginning, is about matching interests and attitudes. My point of view is that out of 100 people, a good half will have interests that don’t match mine. And that’s okay.

As for judgement, yes, a surprising amount of people confuse “not a match” with “don’t like” or nasty labels like “boring” or “stupid”. That says a lot about them; it’s nothing to do with me.    

When I meet a non-match, I make the most out of the encounter and then I move on. 

How To Game The System

Making friends is a percentage game – at the beginning. You may meet a lot of non-matches at first. Knowing that gives me energy to try again and again, without feeling bad about it.

However, once you meet a match, then the opportunity changes because people tend to hang with their matches.

I think of it as bubbles. If I meet a person I get along with, their bubble is bound to be my cup of tea. I will actively ask for introductions (the bold part) and it usually works great!

Also, as making friends at the beginning is not personal, I am practical about non-matches. When I meet a person who is not a match, I know their bubble is likely to be similar, so it’s best I give it a miss and try something else.   

If You're Introverted

I am fairly introverted, so I keep an eye on my energy levels. I plan my socialising carefully, in blocks on certain days. But when I do go out, I go all out. 

I suggest that you plan carefully, so you make sure you don't overdo it. However, do be consistent. Part of the magic is turning up regularly. You can't make friends if you only see people once in a blue moon!

So there you have my approach. My method means I can approach new connections with optimism and interest. It works well for me. But I am not shy. If you are, then I’d say go at it but do it with a friend. 

Does this resonate? Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.

Dealing With The Horror Question, “When are you going to have kids?”

It drives so many of us nuts, but some people insist on being rude and asking personal questions. 

We chose not to have kids, so this one comes from the heart.

 

Here are some extra notes:

Alternatives to "Mind your own business" from the bluntest to the politest

My sex life and fertility status are private
You ask this every time we meet. Tell you what, when something changes, I'll let you know
Why do you need to know?
I don't know. So, what's new with you?
When the time is right. So, seen any good films recently?

If you want to opt for schooling them

About 10% to 15% of Malaysian couples have fertility issues. Therefore, that question is considered rude/insensitive.

If you want to communicate openly

Statement of emotion
"I don't know. And frankly, I dread this question. It spoils parties for me, and holidays."

Block their arguing
"I'm not discussing it anymore."

Direct to action/new behaviour
"Please, don't ask me again. Don't talk to me about it."

Refocus:
"So, what's new with you?"

Enforce the boundary by walking away if they persist.

"Help! My Friend Was Abused." What To Say, A Multicultural Perspective

When your friend or colleague tells you they were abused, are you stuck for words? Here are some ideas for how to communicate as an ally.

Before you start, understand that violence and abuse are common.

Statistics from the World Health Organisation:
7% of men were sexually abused before age 18
20% of women were sexually abused before age 18
25% of adults have a history of being physically abused as kids
50% of kids today have suffered from violence in the last year

Consequences of violence:
It's not just physical harm. Victims suffer from low self-esteem, anxiety, depression and other mental health issues as well as physical damage.

Why violence continues:
Violence is passed down through families. A kid that is abused is more likely to learn this behaviour and then abuse their own kids.

There is no easy quick fix. To stop violence, we must all work together.

#1 Thing to do: listen with compassion
Those statistics show that this is a common problem but there is a massive conspiracy of silence. It takes huge courage for victims to speak out. So when they do, listen with love.

#2 Don't suggest forgiveness
Why is there a conspiracy of silence? Because victims who speak up are told, "They didn't mean it" and "Those were different times" and "You should forgive."

Anyone who says "You should forgive" and makes excuses is really saying, "I'm totally okay with people abusing you." <- don't do this.

#3 Don't ask for details
Making people relive trauma is cruel.

Also, it can come across as judgmental, as if you get to decide what is abuse and what isn't. Unless you happen to be the sitting judge in a court case, you don't get to decide.

#4 Do say, "I'm sorry this happened to you."
Victims are used to being blamed, dismissed and hurt, so let them hear your support.

#5 Don't ask why they didn't leave or fight back
Because it sounds like, "You were asking for it."

#6 Ask, "What can I do to support you?"
And accept that sometimes the answer is, "Just listen."

#7 Inch forward and accept there are no solid rules.
There's a lot of narrative that says "Call rape, rape" and "Call out the perpetrators." With respect, that's great stuff for privileged people.

For some people, that direct vocabulary can be triggering. And the mere idea of calling out a violent person can have victims panicking. This is especially true in societies where victims of abuse are murdered or jailed.

Just be gentle, listen and let them talk.

#8 Say, "You didn't do anything wrong" and "You are the victim in this."
Because guilt comes from punishment. We tend to think that guilt follows wrongdoing but that is very much not true. 

Guilt comes from pain, from hurt, from danger. So victims need to hear that they are not to blame. That they're good people, and victims.

#9 If the victim is up for it, and it is safe to do so in your society, offer to help source them help.
Telling the story is exhausting. So if your friend or colleague is tired, you can offer to sort through available support groups (NGOs, government departments etc) and get help.

Note: not all support systems are good. Some exist to blame victims. So as the friend, be certain to weed out the black hats. Check around, ask questions, search social media to see what these groups post and how people talk about them.  

I hope this helps 💙 

Photo credit: Alexas 

Spotting and Coping with Toxic Forgiveness

You hear it all the time, "Oh, just forgive them." Forgiveness is presented as virtuous, and as an attitude we should aspire to.

But forgiving can be toxic for you and for the community. Here's my reasoning.

#1 Example: It's Not Personal

Fiona is religious and thinks divorce is a sin. It doesn't come up in office meetings, but during break times, she will pick up the newspaper, turn to the gossip column and comment on celebrity break-ups: "Another one destined for hell."

Daisy has never bothered about Fiona's attitudes, but now she is in the middle of a divorce, she finds himself gritting her teeth every time Fiona picks up a paper. 

When Dairy confides in Kim, her boss, Kim says, "Oh, that's just Fiona. It's not personal or aimed at you. Don't rock the boat. Just forgive."

If Daisy follows Kim's advice, Fiona keeps going and Daisy becomes more and more upset. Fiona may not even realise she's hurting Daisy. 

Takeaway: If you don't speak up, people may hurt you again and again. It's more sensible to push for positive change.

Suggestion for change: if Fiona is generally speaking reasonable, Daisy can be direct, "Fiona, I'm in the middle of relationship issues. It's painful. Saying I'm going to hell is neither kind nor helpful. Also, there will be others here who are divorced too or who have loved ones who are divorced."

If Fiona is difficult, Daisy can remind Kim that management should provide leadership. Kim can quietly take Fiona aside and remind her that religion has no place in an office.

Should neither be an option, I'd suggest that with toxic co-workers and an incompetent boss, Fiona rethinks whether she wants to stay.

#2 Example: Suppressing and Avoiding Difficult Emotions

Bob got a bicycle for Christmas. When his brother John asked to borrow it to go on a camping trip, Bob really didn’t want to let his treasure out of his sight.

Also, Bob knew his brother is careless and often loses or damages his own property. But being a good brother, Bob agreed to lend John his bike.

John borrowed the bike but left it unlocked outside the tent. A passing bear stole the bike and trashed it while joyriding. (This is a blog post, so let’s have some fun with it.)

John has apologised and Bob understands it was out of John’s control. So he accepted the apology. However, he’s still steaming angry and mourning his lost bicycle.

Noting this, Bob’s dad steps in and tells Bob, “You have to forgive John with an open heart. Don’t be angry. It’s just a bike.”

What happens when Bob swallows his rage and sadness?

Takeaway: Forgiveness is a process. You can't shortcut it because ignoring emotions will come back to haunt you as depression, suppressed anger etc

Suggestion for change: emotions are notifications. Anger is a notification of injustice and sadness is a notification of loss. The family might watch this video and then have a quiet chat.

Bottom line: it’s okay for Bob to feel what he feels.

Bob’s dad is probably frightened of difficult emotions, which is why he’s sending the wrong message.

However, there is another, much more toxic version of the "Oh, you must forgive" mantra.

#3 Example: Toxic Turning The Other Cheek

Mary is deeply hurt when Dave laughs at her wish to become an engineer. It is even worse when Dave makes jokes in the classroom about Mary’s ambition.

Dave clowns about, humiliates Mary in front of their friends, and very soon the boys are teasing Mary about her dreams of becoming an engineer.

Their teacher, Britt, takes Mary aside and says, “Yes, Dave is in the wrong but he’s always that way. Be the better person, Mary, and just turn the other cheek. Forgive him.”

Britt knows Dave is in the wrong and she’s okay with it. What value does Britt put on Mary?

Takeaway: When we dismiss other people's rights, we disrespect them.

Dave is a bully. Britt knows this. Mary knows this. And yet Britt is saying that’s perfectly okay.

This is as plain as the nose on your face, and yet, we have the mantra about being the better person, about turning the other cheek.

Why are victims being told to forgive?

Why don't we tell people to change, do better?

I can think of two likely scenarios.

First, people are frightened of bullies. It is possible that Britt is scared that Dave will turn on her if she tells him off. So she won’t help Mary out of fear.

If Britt is honest, she’ll admit this. But she may feel shame and lie to Mary – and herself – about her motivations.

Second, the bigger picture is that societies are typically based on inequality. There’s always a group of people identified by sex, colour, caste, or whatever label is handy, who are exploited by the rest.

Victims are told to shut up because it is useful for the powerful that injustice continues. It's what keeps them on top.

If that’s the case, then Britt may be a flying monkey, a person who helps abusers by acting as their messenger. (The phrase comes from the Wizard of Oz. Remember the Wicked Witch of the West who uses flying monkeys to attack her enemies?) 

Flying monkeys scare or guilt victims into shutting up, either because they benefit from the injustice or because they feel it's too scary to challenge powerful people.

It's easier to side with a powerful abuser than to stand up for what is right.

Flying monkeys use lines like, “Be the better person” and “He’s loves you really” and “She doesn’t really mean it, it’s just how she is.”

Also, abusers control others by gaslighting. As discussed here: how abusers act when caught out

So when you're hurt and feel as if you should forgive, or are told to forgive, think first. I'm not saying you should analyse every little thing that happens. People mess up, and that's okay. 

 

Small things don't need to be called out, either. We all say and do things without thinking. 

 

But for deliberate or consistent issues that threaten our rights, we need to speak up, for ourselves and for others. It should be done without anger and with respect.

Credit: the apple is from Pixabay  

The Wicked Witch is from Oz Wiki

Note:updated 19 Nov 2022

The Non-Apology: How Abusers Act When Caught Out

Remember Thomas Callaway, 43, of Statesboro, Georgia, USA, who slapped journalist Alex Bozarjian on the rear back in on live TV back in 2019? First he lied about it, and when he realised he was caught on video, he tried to act as if it was a mistake. As it's classic abuse, it inspired me to write this post.

People who are into getting power and control think and act differently from the rest of us. Therefore, it can be tough to get your mind around how manipulative they are.

One way to see through trickery and gaslighting is to analyse apologies.

Many abusers are careful to maintain a façade of decency, respectability and fairness, so they operate behind closed doors. But with videos and the #MeToo movement, they're being called out more and more.

When confronted, you will hear them make 'apologies' that go like this:

#1 They state horror and pretend they don't know what's going on
#2 They appeal for pity through personal illness or sick children
#3 They make a non-apology
#4 They point out some completely unrelated virtuous act

Something like this:

"I'm totally shocked!  I don't understand. I'm just a simple person. Why are you angry?  You know I haven't been well recently. If I did something, and I don't know what, I'm sorry. You know I go to church every week and I volunteer."

The approach is actually very clever because it's a layered effort meant to attack you.

#1 They state horror and pretend they don't know what's going on
It's a deliberate misdirect that has two aims: to make you doubt yourself and to get other people to question whether you are truthful.

#2 They appeal for pity through personal illness or sick children
It's a deliberate misdirect with two aims: to make you feel guilty and to get other people to think you are attacking an 'untouchable' target.
Even if they are sick etc, this is a red herring, a deliberate attempt to gaslight you. Put crudely, men with dicky tickers and single mums of autistic kids can be abusive predators.

#3 They make a non-apology
Because some people will see the word sorry and not realise that it's meaningless because of it being sandwiched in between denial and attack. Also, predators offend face to face but they apologise in public and not to the victim if they can possibly help it. The remorse is a show to get public opinion on their side; they have no interest in the feelings of the victim.

#4 They point out some completely unrelated virtuous act
This is to appeal to black and white thinkers who see humanity as simply good or bad. In truth of course, we are all mixed up with bits of good and bad floating to the surface all the time.
Predators hope that the audience will say, "OMG, a person who did something good once can't possibly be an abusive predator." It's powerful stuff, which is why so many clever predators opt to work in religious institutions. If you aim to enjoy a life as a predator, that kind of authority and white hat regalia offers good camouflage.  

A real apology sounds like this:

#1 Owning the act
#2 Saying you're sorry directly to the victim
#3 Asking for forgiveness
#4 Offering to make amends (if appropriate)

"I'm so sorry I called you a twit. It was wrong of me. Can you forgive me? May I give you two tickets to the concert to make up for it?"

Analysing how people apologise is important for figuring out if you're in a toxic relationship. It's also useful for "she said, he said" situations. 

By the way, although abusers often get away with their violence, Thomas Calloway was caught on videotape, which helped to get him convicted and fined.

Photo Credit: The nose is from Pixabay

What To Do When Your Friend Is In Lockdown Or Quarantined With Toxic Parents Or Partners

Note: this was written as a Facebook post for a Malaysian audience in the first Covid lockdown in March 2020

Abuse isn't limited to beating the hell out of people with a cane or strap.

Abuse can be verbal.

"Did you hear Tim got a promotion? Why don't you get a promotion?"
"Julie is married. You're almost 16/21/23/29. Nobody will want you."
"What do you mean, you're gay? We don't do that in our family!"
"You're too fat. This is a good time for me to help you diet."
"You're a failure. This is a good time for me to make you study really hard."
"You always make the wrong choices."
"Stupid."
"Dumb."
"Disappointment."

There are people who live with really horrible emotionally abusive people, nasty types who don't leave physical bruises but who run their prey down remorselessly.

I'm already seeing a spike in people becoming sick because of their toxic parents and partners. I'm hoping to God there isn't a spate of suicides.

What can you do?

Don't say, "They love you really." Because toxic people are shitty and that's not love talking.

Don't offer 'fixes' because toxic people are about power and control. They can't be managed when you're all shoved in the same house together.

Do say, "You are a good person. I care for you. Other people care for you too. This situation is horrible but it's not going to last forever. When this is over, we talk about how to get you out of this situation. In the meantime, lock yourself away as much as possible, know I'm here for you, and we keep talking." 

Then, LET THEM VENT. Let them say horrible things and just be there for them. Don't be shocked or tell them off. Living with toxic people is poison, so letting them vent lets them expel part of that poison.

If you think they're actively suicidal, and you're in Malaysia or a place where it's safe to report, call your local police. They can go and get your friend and take them to hospital. Or call your local council office and ask for help. You can also try suicide call centres like the Befrienders or whatever they are in your country to ask for emergency numbers. 

If you think they're actively suicidal and they're in a place where there is little help or where asking for help is dangerous, read this post on Suicide Counselling In Developing Nations

I hope this helps.

Credit: hand is from Shutterbug on Pixabay

How To Talk About Bad BreakUps

We're talking more and more about tough issues such as emotional abuse, rape and relationship violence. This is great! 

But as the subject is such a painful one, it can be tough to figure out how to approach these discussions.

Here's a quick easy guide.

When you're talking to a victim
You're chatting away, saying casually, "So, you broke up, huh? What happened?" and the person you're talking to bursts into tears, shuts down or is visibly uncomfortable. Your heart sinks and you realise you've entered difficult territory.

#1 Rule: Resist the impulse to ask about the gory details!

Do not ask for details
BECAUSE
1) It is asking the victim to relive the trauma, which is cruel.
2) Asking for details can also sound like, "I need to know your reasoning", which implies you have the right to judge, which you don't.
 
Just say,

    I'm so sorry. I can see this is painful for you.
    Would you like to talk about this or shall we change the subject?

And leave it up to the victim.

When you're the victim
Sometimes you want to talk and sometimes you don't. In case you need a script for when you're tired and fed up, try this:

    It was a difficult/violent/abusive relationship
    You will understand this is painful to me
    I won't discuss it

IF THEY PUSH: try and resist the temptation to call them damn insensitive interfering busybodies. Although it's an accurate description, it probably won't help.

Definitely don't bop them on the nose. Tempting as it is, it's illegal.

Deep breath, centre yourself and repeat forcefully, "This is painful to me. I won't discuss it."
Or simply walk away.

Don't worry about seeming to be rude. Removing yourself from being harassed is simply sensible behaviour.

Want to support victims?
Many victims are paralysed by public interest and scrutiny. Being questioned, gossiped about and examined by all and sundry is being traumatised all over again.

Here's how you can transform your family parties, office, school and club into a safe space that supports victims:

#1 Shut down gossip.
Beatings, shouting matches and drama are fuel for gossip but it's a dagger to the heart for victims. When people are relishing the horror with juicy gossip, speak up. "This is not a TV drama. This is real people hurting. I won't listen to this kind of talk."

#2 When you see a victim being pestered, speak up.
"John/Julie have made it clear they don't want to discuss it. Respect that." And then change the subject.

#3 Point out uncomfortable home truths.
"This is a private matter for John/Julie. It does not concern others."
"This is a private personal matter for John/Julie. You don't have a right to judge."

Speak up!  Make the world a better place for victims.  

I'm dreading Christmas. Do I have to go home?

It's that time of year again where we celebrate the awesomeness of families.  But if your home is more like Arrested Development meets Jax Teller's family from Sons of Anarchy, then this will be a super tricky period.

I've helped clients navigate difficult and dangerous family meets for a decade now, so here are some insights.

"Family Always Loves": Myth vs. Reality  

Talking about mean families is taboo, especially during big holidays. While child abuse, emotional abuse and physical abuse is rampant, many people prefer to close their eyes to these truths.

So if you want to talk about your emotions and circumstances, you might hear insensitive, and downright dangerous advice like,

"They're your family, forgive them."

"They don't mean it. Just don't listen."

"You must have done something. Just pray and be good to them."

And that's how you end up in hospital because dad went overboard this time with the beating or mum finally convinced you that you're so worthless you tried to suicide.

If your family are abusive and you have not yet gone to therapy to work your way to a happier, healthier life, this post is to help you navigate through some decisions and to offer you some practical advice.

#1 Should you go or skip it?

The pressure to go home and act as if you're a Disney family where all is peace and love can be overwhelming. Also, abusive families tend to do a good job into conditioning us to keep coming back for more. And their helpful enablers are there to guilt you into it, too.

That's why you end up talking yourself into going home, only to get there and think, "Doh!  How did I forget?"

Now we're a few weeks away, I think it's important to ask a series of questions.

If you go:

·         Are you in physical danger? Does you family hit, slap or threaten violence?

·         Will your family harass, tease or emotionally abuse you until you are visibly upset and/or can't take it anymore?

·         Do your family mistreat your partner?

If you can say yes to any of these, then my question would be, why go? If they can't even meet this low standard of human decency, you are under no obligation to put yourself or your partner into such awful circumstances.

If you decide to skip it, here's how to do it with minimum fuss.

1.       Don't announce your intentions in advance. If you say you're not going, you get all the flying monkeys, the screaming hordes who think it's best for you to go and have a terrible time because it suits their notions of 'what looks right'. Plan not to go, and keep it secret so you're not pressured.

2.       On the day, send a text and claim you missed the flight, bus or had to go into work. Then switch off your phone. Then do what makes you happy. If that means tickets to the beach resort, awesome!

3.       After the holiday, you can choose to engage and reset the rules. Or you can choose to walk away for a year or forever.

4.       Remember: your family don't own you. Disengaging can take some doing (you may need to move home or switch phone numbers) but there are lots of people who are estranged and they thrive.  Just make sure you're safe as you go about it.

#2 IF YOU WANT TO GO BUT LIMIT YOUR ENGAGEMENT

(This is also the system for if you skip this holiday and then engage later but want to change the rules)

Start by thinking over what usually happens. Like, most families have a set pattern of behaviour that governs the abuse.

It starts with the soup. Mum serves up a bowl and Dad will point out that I'm too fat and should skip this. Ten minutes later, they're both telling me I won't marry, am in the wrong career, and basically that if I were just completely different, they'd be much happier.

Run the last few times they went at you through your head and work out how they work.

Now work out what the abuse does to you.

You must warn the family in advance where your boundaries are, so write it down.

Then resolve what you will do if it happens. Like, one warning and then you leave.

Finally, and this is the tough step, you need to announce your new hard limits. This is best done via text.

To follow our example, you'd text to mum and dad:

"Mum, Dad, this year I want no personal remarks about my body, my career or anything else. It's not 'advice' and it's not helpful. It's just mean."

They won't take it lying down. Abusive people enjoy their power and they will gaslight you, harass you, play the victim and more. Expect,

"You're so sensitive."

"You're our child. You're not allowed to tell us what to do. "

"We never say things like that. You're imagining it. Also, your mum has fainted from your totally false accusations."

And the text from Uncle Ken who rants, "You're so ungrateful! I'm disgusted by you!"

Remember: at this point you can still choose not to go. Seeing you've opened the conversation, you may consider being up front, "If you feel that way, I'll skip this year." Or, just say nothing and on the day tell them you won't be there.

If they promise better behaviour, then you need to go to step two: harness your support group.

You may have uncles, aunts, cousins or friends who attend who will back you up when the abuse starts. Talk to them in advance so they know what's going to happen. If trouble strikes, they may defend you but most likely they will only be willing to redirect the conversation.

"Dad, I told you, no personal remarks. They're hurtful. Aunt Peg, do tell me about your garden. How's it going?"

Alternatively, have a friend or two who is on your side stand by on text.

Finally, remember that if your boundaries are ignored, you must do as you said and leave. This is important because your family need to learn that you are serious about demanding respect.  

Leaving is best done in style. Don't yell or scream, just exit. Again, abusive families will pretend to be sick, have fits, hurt themselves and will threaten to cut you off forever. Don't fall for their playacting! If you go back, they'll bully you until the end of your life.  Just keep going.

Walking out once won't fix it but if you keep walking out when they're being mean, they will eventually learn to behave themselves.

I know it's tough and you may be scared of what they will do. But believe me, it's better to be away from all that hurt than volunteering for it. I hope this helps.

Photo Credit: Image by Peter Dargatz from Pixabay

How To Say The N-word

Years ago, the day after I'd moved house, a neighbour came up to me and said, "We're having a street meeting." 

I was still unpacking, I was tired, and so I said something casual about maybe looking in. 

He replied, "Oh, but I already told them you'd come." And then he added, "All the ladies are bringing something. You can cook something from your country."

Awkward, right?

One of the greatest challenges we face socially, is saying no. It can be quite difficult, especially if you're dealing with people you don't know well.

Many of us are worried about saying no because we wonder "what people might think". We worry that they'll think we're disagreeable, difficult or selfish. It's especially hard if you're female, or in a place that puts a lot of value on conforming.

There are several ways to address this.  My favourite, is to get some perspective. That's where you tell your story in the third person, describing just the events as if it's happened to other people. Then, give the fictional you advice.

Like with the story I just told. Telling it in the third person, that story would go like this:

Mia has just moved house. She's exhausted.
John comes round and says, "We're having a party!"
Mia replies, "Thanks. I'm too tired to go out, but I hope you have a good time."
John says, "But I said you'd come. Oh, and you should bring food, too."

QUESTION: what advice would you give to Mia?

Put this way, we'd be likely to tell Mia to skip the party and forget about it. Because John is being inconsiderate.

Perspective works because we tend to give very good practical advice to others, whereas we're often much too hard on ourselves. With perspective, you take away some of the personal elements; it helps you see clearly.

Once you've gained your perspective, you practice - or model, as we say in the trade.

What you do is write down what you think they will say, and your ideal answer. Then you run through it. The idea is that you get to practice in a safe space, and anticipate some of the issues that might crop up.

With saying no in the type of scenario I just described, you might be faced with responses like:
"But it won't be the same if you're not there!"
"We're depending on you to bring the cake/stew/whatever."
"Everyone is expecting you!"
"If you don't go, you'll ruin it!"

If you're faced with this live, that kind of pressure heaps up - because of that need to be nice and agreeable. However, if you get perspective and model, you'll see it for what it is: emotional blackmail. 

When you get that kind of response, you may be tempted to argue or justify. Don't do that! Stick to what matters: you were asked, you declined - and that's the end of it. Do not get drawn in to discussion. Just say, "No."

You can also use some non-defensive and assertive language. These are expressions that will help you cut down on arguments and that will help you draw personal boundaries. Here's a list.

Practice non-defensive responding phrases:
Oh?
Oh, I see.
That's interesting.
I'm sorry you feel that way THEN STOP TALKING
Thank you for your opinion. I'll take that on board. THEN STOP TALKING
I'm sorry you're hurt/upset/disappointed THEN STOP TALKING
I'm sorry you don't approve. THEN STOP TALKING
You're certainly entitled to your opinion THEN STOP TALKING
Let's do this some other time, when you're calmer. THEN STOP TALKING
Let me think about that. THEN STOP TALKING

Add in assertive phrases:
That is very hurtful
I don't appreciate it when you call me INSERT PHRASE HERE
When you speak that way, you hurt me
You agreed to hear me out.
Name calling and screaming won't get us anywhere.
It's not okay for you to talk to me that way.
I won't talk to you when you are yelling at me.
I won't stay if you speak to me this way
I won't stay when you are scaring me.

TOP TIP: if the person is abusive or threatening, WALK AWAY!

Saying no can be difficult, but doing so will cut your stress load. So, have a go, and if you are looking for professional help, send me an email. The first 20 minutes are free.

PS, I told my neighbour, "Absolutely not." And when he spluttered about having committed me already, I countered with, "They'll be fine when you bring along the dish you promised." 

He's been very polite ever since.

Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images