I signed Do Not Resuscitate papers for my father

Two days ago I signed Do Not Resuscitate papers for my father. I expected to feel guilt, but that didn’t happen. This blog post explains why.

I don’t usually talk about family because I am quite a private person. However, I had a long conversation with Tom, my husband, last night and we think sharing my experience may be helpful.

A bit of background: my father walked out many years ago. He came back into my life just over a year ago because he had cancer.

It was not a Disney moment.  An attempt to reconnect failed.

This week I got a call from a doctor who informed me that matters are now coming to a close, and could I come for a discussion.

The other thing you should know about me is that back in the late 1990s, I helped my mother nurse a dear friend of ours, Christine, who had cancer. Back then, medicine wasn’t as good as it is now, and her doctors were callous.

Christine died in a lot of pain; so much pain, that her screams still haunt my mother and me today.

So, when my father reappeared to say he was sick, we wanted to be sure he had end of life care. That means palliative care and painkillers.

Luckily, Malaysians are compassionate people. There is a culture here of alleviating pain.

And this is what brings me to the message I want to share:

In modern life, we become insulated from many of the harsher elements of life. Sometimes, we don’t truly understand how much suffering a person can go through. As a result, when it comes to end of life care, we tie ourselves up in knots, wondering if we’re ‘interfering with fate’ or worse ‘killing’.

When I signed the DNR paperwork and then more papers to allow strong painkillers, I did so with gratitude. I felt grateful because I know how ugly passing from cancer can be. Making sure my father will not suffer an agonizing death is my gift to him.

I’m sharing my thoughts because I want to say that if you have to face a similar situation, please do not feel guilty. There is no benefit whatsoever in having someone suffer.  

Depression Medication: 6 Smart Questions to Ask Your Doctor First

Too many people walk out of the doctor’s office with a prescription for antidepressants but very little explanation. When you’re depressed or stressed, it’s hard enough to think clearly — and impossible to make an informed choice if you’re rushed through the system without answers.

As a psychotherapist who has worked with clients in more than 20 countries over the past decade, I help people prepare for psychiatric consultations so they feel confident, ask the right questions, and make better decisions about their mental health.

I am not a doctor and I can't fix the system to magically give everyone more time. But what I can do is help you make the most of your visit.

Before You Book That Appointment

Should you be seeing a medical doctor for stress and depression? I'd say a trip to your family doctor for a general checkup is always a good first step. See why here.

If you are depressed or stressed, should you go and look for pills or talk therapy first? My thoughts on how to make a decision that suits you are here.

So, suppose you decide to see a psychiatrist, a specialist medical doctor about your mental health issue. Here's how to make sure you ask questions that will help you make the most of your time.

Bring Support With You

First, if you can, take a trusted friend with you. Most of us are nervous when seeing a doctor, and so we forget to ask stuff or forget to listen. Having a friend to listen with you can be a big help.

If you're too shy for company, take a notebook with your questions listed and a pen to make notes of the replies so you don't forget what you're told.

Six Questions to Ask Your Psychiatrist About Depression Medication

Many of my clients have avoided serious side effects and made better treatment decisions simply by asking these questions. Make sure you leave with clear answers:

1. What will this drug do for me? (IE, why am I taking it?)

2. How do I take this drug? (IE every day at the same time? Only when XYZ happens?)

3. How long before we know if the drug is working? (Because some drugs like antidepressants can take weeks to kick in)

4. Drugs can have bad effects, too. When do I know something is very wrong and I should come right back to you?

5. Is this drug addictive?

6. If I take this drug, and I change my mind later on, can I just stop taking it? (Because with some drugs, it can be very dangerous to just stop taking them; you need to be weaned off them slowly, with the help of a doctor.)

If Your Doctor Is Too Rushed

If your doctor is too rushed, unapproachable or you don't understand her, have a chat with the hospital pharmacist. Pharmacists are good at answering questions and they often enjoy being consulted, so be prepared for detailed information.

Also, go back and see your family doctor.

Should you ask a psychologist, therapist or counsellor about your medicine? No, we cannot give advice about drugs. You need a medical doctor for that.

But if you need help deciding whether medication alone is right for you, or if you should combine it with talk therapy, contact me. That's exactly the kind of decision I help clients work through.

Should You Also Get Talk Therapy?

If you see a psychiatrist and take meds, should you also seek talk therapy? I'd say you should think it over because:

1. Pills can't fix your life. If you are on medication, and your stress and depression are not from a purely physical issue, it can be a good idea to add in talk therapy. This is where my work with clients begins—helping you address what pills can't fix.

2. Pills for depression can take weeks to kick in, so talk therapy at the start can help you manage symptoms while you wait.

3. If you are stopping medication, and you need support for managing the psychological effects of withdrawal, talk therapy is also useful.

Now, psychiatrists can offer talk therapy too but in some countries there are so few of them that they don't run that kind of practice. If you also want to combine meds and talk therapy, ask when you visit. If they say no, you can always 'add on' someone like me.

The Bottom Line

Don't be shy, reach out and get the support you need.

If you're facing decisions about medication and therapy, I can help you figure out the right approach for your situation. Send me an email or WhatsApp to discuss how we can work together.