It shocks people when I say this, but it’s true: not all parents love their children. That’s hard to hear in cultures that put family first, and I see the consequences of it in my practice all the time.
What I See In My Practice
Over a decade of working with clients worldwide has taught me one thing: family harm comes in many shapes. Some clients are survivors of trafficking. Some have suffered sexual abuse, including incest. Others face less obvious but equally damaging harms:
- Parents who demand all their money.
- Parents who threaten to disown a child for choosing a partner.
- Parents who use a child’s name to run dodgy businesses or take out loans.
- Parents who control through guilt, manipulation and prolonged emotional abuse.
If any of that rings true for you, you are not alone.
"Family Always Loves": Myth vs. Reality
In 2016 there were 10.1 million child trafficking victims — children made up 25% of modern slavery victims. Studies show that 41% of trafficked children are sold into sexual exploitation (54%) and forced labour (31%) by family members. Source · Source
These figures are extreme examples, but they’re important: they cut through the gaslighting. If you were raised to believe “all families are loving,” the statistics are proof that family harm is real — and sometimes it comes from those who should protect you.
Why it’s so hard to accept
We’re fed a story about family — “you can always trust your family,” “parents love their kids unconditionally.” That’s not true for everyone. Life isn’t Disney. Some parents simply can’t or won’t be loving.
When parents act like ATMs
Many of my clients come from countries where family obligation is expected — Pakistan, India, Malaysia, Singapore and parts of Africa — and where children are taught to be providers.
Important: this is due to economics. In much of the West, people pay taxes into a government system that supports strangers in need. In many other countries, there’s no public safety net. Families themselves are the safety net. When someone is in trouble, the help is personal, and money flows within the family.
Neither system is 'good' or 'bad' - it's just different. But it has a huge impact on how we live and think about family.
If family support is given with love, it can be a beautiful thing. But when parents treat children only as ATMs and if they demand money and labour through emotional blackmail, bullying or threats, that’s not love. That’s exploitation. And in those cases, the failure is theirs, not yours. Protecting yourself and stepping back can be the most sensible, healthy choice.
But if you don't have a public safety net, your choices will be affected too. Understanding that, and working with it so you have good options, is part of my daily work. But as mindset is the first step to living your best life, we'll get back to options in a moment after we talk about:
How sensible thinking looks
As children we often assume that if our parents don’t love us, we must be at fault. That’s not sensible. A clearer way to think is this:
When your parents don't care for you, it’s not a failure in you — it’s a failure in them.
Practical sense over pressure
People will tell you you’ll regret not spending time with family. That’s not always true. If being with them costs your peace, health or safety, staying away can be the right thing to do.
Ask yourself, honestly: “Why am I spending my limited time and energy on this? When I’m 80, will I regret not using that time for people who love me back?”
My own short story (why I understand)
I know this pain personally. Before I trained as a therapist I wasted years trying to fix parents who could not be fixed. I regret the time and emotional labour I lost. This experience helps me connect with clients who want to protect their lives and build healthier relationships.
Your options (there is no one right answer)
People choose different paths depending on the harm involved, the cultural pressures, and practical realities. All of these are valid:
- Stay in contact but set firm boundaries.
- Rotate between low contact and fuller contact as suits you.
- Go no contact if that’s what keeps you safe and well.
- Take legal or practical steps where finances, identity or safety are at risk.
Questions to ask yourself before you agree to a visit
If you’re wondering whether to see family you can’t stand, these practical questions will help you decide:
- What will I actually gain by going?
- What will I lose — time, money, energy, peace, or safety?
- When I’m older, will I feel I invested my life wisely in people who loved me back — or that I wasted time on those who didn’t?
- Could I connect in safer ways (short visits, calls, strict boundaries) instead of sacrificing my well-being?
Some clients stay. Some choose low contact. Some walk away. All of those are sensible responses to different realities.
How I help
If you’re juggling cultural pressure, guilt, practical consequences or safety concerns, I can help you think clearly and act with courage. In our work together we’ll look at:
- Immediate safety and practical realities (finances, identity, legal steps).
- The psychological effects of family harm — guilt, shame, fear and grief.
- How to set boundaries that actually work (and when no contact is the healthiest option).
- How to build a life that gives you love and meaning — with or without family.
Ready to decide what’s right for you?
If you’re stuck, you don’t need to work it out alone. Together we can untangle the guilt, cultural expectations and fear so you can choose the path that keeps you safe and sane.
Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.
