When Hate Gets To You, Reach Out (Plus, Tom's Awesome Tuna Shirt!)

Does it seem to you that hate is becoming mainstream?

My brother called me this morning, worried about the terror attacks in Barcelona, Cambrills and Turku over the last few days, coming right on top of Charlottesville, Manchester and London. As he's in Saudi and I'm in Malaysia, we are also aware of the many hate crimes that don't hit main stream news media.

"I don't believe in profiling," he said, "but we have to do something about violent arseholes!"

In case you're confused which particular violent arseholes we were thinking about, the answer is all of them. 

You see, if you take me, my brother and our partners and their sibs and partners, just us very close family, you will see a kind of United Nations effect. 

 We range from Nippon Paint's brilliant white to the finest dark chocolate in terms of skin, and we cover most of the major faith groups. 

We're from Europe, North America and Africa and we live in all those places plus the Middle East and Far East Asia.

In other words: whenever someone blows up "the enemy" or mouths off about "the x problem" you're talking about one of us. It is very hard not to fall into hate. Especially when politicians and faith leaders make speeches about how you are Evil Incarnate.

I can't fix the world but I can help manage my feelings.

What helps me is engaging with people who are cheerfully accepting of differences. The kind who  just respect that we're all different and celebrate it.

When I'm having an anti-X moment, I pick up the phone, and go for a coffee with a friend who isn't like me, and we just hang and have a good time. It can be a Malaysian Christian Mala or a Cambodian Muslim May or a Thai Hindu Myriam - it doesn't matter. Just reminding myself that friendships cross divides cheers me up.
 

Good random experiences are a tonic too. Like when me and my friend Emanar were in Central Market a week or two ago, talking to two Malay girls running a clothing stall.

(For non-SEA readers, most Malay people are Muslim. These two definitely were because they wore tudungs, traditional local Muslim headscarves. Although some Muslims drink alcohol, Malaysian Muslims usually believe their religion forbids them to drink and the law prohibits them from buying alcohol. )

"I need a party shirt for my husband," I said to them.

They hauled out a lovely batik, perfect for a posh event.

"I love it," I said. "But I'm thinking more of a party at the pub."

"He can wear this there too," the sisters giggled. "And he'll look so handsome!"

"He's dressed nicely all week at work. Do you have something more relaxed?"

The sisters thought for a second, and then dived into their stock, producing the best beach party shirt I'd seen in years and asking, "Will tuna fish be suitable for the pub?"

"The tuna fish," I said seriously, "will be the talk of the regulars for weeks!"

"Tell them where you bought it!" the girls chorused instantly.  

Such a simple story, right? An everyday occurrence. But when I hear hate speech urging us into "Us & Them" remembering that little scene gives me hope.

Hate isn't universal. And when we reach out and remind ourselves of the ordinary people who are quite happy to accept differences, the world looks a little better.

PS the sisters have the stall on the first floor, on the balcony, directly facing the main door. Their batik shirts are awesome, and they had several more tuna shirts! You should go and take a look.

 

Your Therapist Recommends: "How to Remove a Brain" (And Why I Don't Use Leeches) Review of How to Remove a Brain by David Haviland

If you're already suspicious of doctors and medical institutions—a common trait among high-achieving professionals and those with a history of trauma (PTSD/cPTSD)—David Haviland’s How to Remove a Brain: and other bizarre medical practices might just send you running for the hills!

This is a wonderfully weird book that drags up every strange, wacky, and sometimes horrifying medical practice from history to the present day. It's written with a pen dipped in sarcasm, and I found myself laughing and groaning in equal measure.

But here’s the serious, therapist-focused reason I loved it:

The Roots of Emotional Disconnection

Reading about doctors who used to avoid speaking to patients directly—preferring to write letters to other doctors instead, simply because seeing "nasty body bits" was beneath them—gave me a lot of food for thought.

I believe this historical "stand-back-and-don't-engage" attitude is the exact thing that has long permeated the mental health profession, making it feel cold, detached, and untrustworthy to many of you.

For Clients with Anxiety: You need a therapist who is present and engaged, not someone operating on old-school, rigid professional distance. This book validates your intuition that distance does not equal competence.

For Trauma Survivors (cPTSD/Abuse): When you have a history of being dismissed or harmed by figures of authority, the last thing you need is a clinical relationship that feels like another power imbalance. Haviland’s book helps shine a light on why medical institutions can feel so deeply dehumanizing.

My Approach is Different

However, I want to be clear: the therapy I provide today has evolved light years beyond this "stand-back" philosophy.

My practice, which specializes in depression, anxiety, and trauma recovery, is built on the opposite philosophy:

We work together. My role is not to stand back and judge, but to be an active, present, and human partner in your healing.

It’s Not a Spectator Sport: Modern, trauma-informed care is about working with your whole self—your thoughts, your body, and your nervous system—not just analyzing you from across the room.

No Bizarre Practices: We use evidence-based, modern, and compassionate techniques to help you feel safe and in control. No brain removal or leeches necessary, guaranteed.

Ready for a therapeutic relationship that is human, direct, and effective? Email me ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143  The first 15 minute consultation is free.

P.S. Yes, I do worry this book might fuel some science scepticism, but the truth and the history of why institutions feel untrustworthy are important starting points for healing and change. Huge thanks to NetGalley and the publishers for this insightful read!

    

The Invisible Force Driving Your Anxiety: Why We Need to Talk About Shame, with A Review of Shame: A Brief History by Peter Stearns

One of the biggest drivers of silent suffering is shame. It’s the invisible force that tells you, "You are fundamentally bad, and you must hide it."

In my work helping my clients manage PTSD, cPTSD, and high-functioning anxiety, many clients feel trapped by guilt and self-blame. That is precisely why I found Peter Stearns’ brilliant, thought-provoking book, Shame: A Brief History, to be a professional must-read.  

The Book: What Shame is Doing Now

Stearns does a fantastic job of charting how shame is used across societies, from ancient norms to its current, powerful resurgence on social media.

The Internet's New Weapon: Stearns points out that while the rise of individualism lessened the formal use of shame as a tool of control in the West, it has surged back through the anonymity of the internet. This validates what you feel every day: that the fear of public judgment (anxiety) is very real and constantly evolving.

The Cultural Lens: My work in a collective and hierarchical culture like Malaysia often exposes me to traditional uses of shame that can be incredibly damaging. Stearns' historical perspective immediately helped me pull together thoughts on how cultural expectations—past and present—stack the deck against survivors, forcing silence in the face of abuse.

Why This History of Shame is Key to Your Healing

Reading this book is not just an academic exercise; it’s a critical step toward healing because it externalizes your pain. 

It’s Not Your Fault: The book proves that shame is a social tool, not an inherent flaw in your character. If you are a victim of abuse who was blamed or silenced, this work validates your experience by showing that societies often shame the victim to protect the system. Understanding this can be the first, powerful release from the cycle of self-blame that fuels cPTSD and depression. 

Deconstructs Your Internal Critic: For my high-achieving clients (lawyers, managers, doctors), your anxiety is often a fear of professional shaming or failure. Stearns’ work helps you deconstruct where those rules came from and why you carry them so heavily. It gives your logical mind the proof it needs to begin dismantling the power of that toxic internal voice. 

Inspires Change: Just like the shifts Stearns documents in history, we are seeing change today. I see people standing up for victims, even in collective societies. This book is a powerful reminder that the system can be challenged, and your own healing journey is part of that larger, courageous movement.

Shame: A Brief History is a must-read for anyone who feels overwhelmed by self-criticism. It’s a book that truly makes me better at my job. Thanks to NetGalley for the advance review copy.

If you’ve realized your shame is a heavy cultural burden and you’re ready to finally put it down, let’s talk.

How To Be Happy At Work - When You Don’t Like Your Job

Some of us are lucky enough to have a career that fascinates us. They may live to work.

 

However, there are many more who work to live. They just exchange labour for money.

 

That’s perfectly fine but it can mean being less than enthusiastic about work. And when the job takes up 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, it can quickly become a miserable experience. 

 

If you aren't happy at work, check out this suggestion for you to be happier at work.

While there are lots of different psychological approaches to working on this problem, one of my favourite go-tos is Self Determination Theory.

What is Self Determination Theory?

Basically, this is a macro theory that suggests motivation relies on us having three things:

1. Autonomy - having control over your own life.
2. Competence - developing skills you are proud of and having them recognised
3. Relatedness - being part of a team, or at least feeling connected to the people around you

Okay, now if Edward Deci and Richard Ryan ever see this over simplified summary of their forty odd years of research, they’d probably have fits. However, this is a simple blog post and it’s good enough for you to get started.

How do I use Self Determination Theory?

Look at your work and analyse your average month.  Then ask yourself questions and use the answers to pump up your happiness potential.

Autonomy

Question 1: At what point in my work do I feel as if I’m Mistress of the Universe? Look for that feeling of control and purpose.

Question 2: What parts of my work mesh with my own beliefs about how life should be?

For example, suppose you work in a customer service centre and feel at the beck and call of faceless others. By asking these questions you might find that your core values include kindness and making a difference. If so, know that each time you help a customer, you are making the world a tiny bit better. If you shift perspective and tell yourself you really are spreading joy, work becomes more joyful.

Competence

Question 1: What do I do that’s fantastic?

Question 2: What do I do okay at that I want to become fantastic at?

Simply put: we love doing things we do well, and we often do well at the things we love. So when you pick a work skill and turn it into your super power, you will get a thrill every time you use that work skill. This pushes up your overall happiness level. Bonus: if you become a true skills ninja, you may be able to get a job you like better!  

Relatedness

Question 1: Do I feel connected to the people around me? And if I don’t how do I make that happen?

For me this is a fundamental part of happiness. People who feel cut off from the world around them fall into despair. There’s no getting away from it: we need to feel connected, even if it’s only to one or two people.

So my advice is, if you can connect to the people you work with in a friendly way, you will feel happier about work. Make friends, and then spread your wings and start connecting with others in your field. LinkedIn is good for that!

If you want more

Like I said, this is a super short blog post that introduces one of the ways you can go about improving your happiness at work.

I’ve made it look like a simple 1-2-3 but clearly there’s a lot more to the theory and what goes into using it in therapy.  This is a conversation starter; it’s not a substitute for proper professional help.

If you are stressed and depressed, and you need help, please do contact me

Check out my feature in Malaysia Womens Weekly

When you've had a shock diagnosis, your thinking can become a bit wobbly. Check out my feature article, "Why we buy quack medicines when we're ill" and the tips on how to cope when someone you love has a health crisis in this month's Malaysia Womens Weekly 

Try This Simple Tip When Your Mother In Law Drives You Crazy

When you are so frustrated you want to scream or burst into tears this gives you perspective – without turning you into a doormat.

When you’re in a sticky situation, facts, assumptions and emotions all swirl together, blending into each other.  

Being upset blinds us to facts. And when we are overwhelmed, we tend to jump to conclusions rather than see what is truly happening. 

This means we’re likely to make mistakes.

There is an old saying, count to ten. Taking a time out can help. 

But in complex emotional situations, assumptions and biases can obscure issues. You can count to 10 as many times as you like and you still feel frustrated!

Suppose you are in this situation:

You and your husband had a nice dinner with his sister and her husband. The next morning you get a call from your mum-in-law. “You didn’t invite me!” She calls you insensitive, accuses you of trying to cut her out, and has a complete meltdown.

If this happened, you’d probably feel as if you were a monster. Selfish, unthinking. You might quickly promise never to do it again just to keep the peace. Or you might feel so angry and annoyed that you vow never to see her again.  

Neither will make life happier for you.

You can gain perspective by retelling the story impersonally. Like this:

Jack and Jan invite Rob and Jasmine for dinner. The next day, their friend Sam calls up, screaming that he feels left out. What do you feel now?

If you take away the factors of age and family, you’ll see that this situation isn’t about you or about dinner. Sam clearly has issues he’s trying to push onto jack. Your mum-in-law has issues of her own that she’s pushing on to you.

These issues might include control, loneliness, competition, and more. 

Whatever is at the root of their behaviour, perspective can help you make better decisions. Like in this example, common sense suggests that if you give in, you run the risk of having to live your life according to their rules – which they will change to suit them. That is going to be very stressful.

A sensible approach is to acknowledge their feelings, without being drawn into discussing who’s right or wrong. For example, “I’m sorry you feel left out.”

You don’t need to promise never to do it again. It’s tempting sometimes – just to keep the peace – but it’s reasonable for you to see your friends.  

So in future, when you’re in a sticky emotional situation, take a breath, step back and recast events in the third person. Tell yourself a story stripped of emotion. Then examine it again.

It can help you gain perspective – and in turn that can help you come up with better ways of coping that keep the peace with even the trickiest mother-in-law, without turning you into a doormat.

I wrote this originally for Malaysia Womens Weekly. Check it out, and enjoy!

Secret Clues Someone You Love is Depressed

Especially in stressful times like these, when the world economy seems stagnant 

and the future is far from clear.

Depression can show itself in many different ways: feeling sad or blank for days at a time, being dead tired and not taking joy from favourite pastimes are classic signs. But depression can also reveal itself in unusual ways. 

These are clues to watch for in the people you love – and in yourself. If you spot these symptoms, approach the subject gently, and talk to a professional therapist or doctor about getting a diagnosis and formulating solutions that work for you.

#1 Ragged nails and messy hair
Uncombed hair, smelly skin, ragged fingernails – it might look like a person is just being careless or disrespectful, but depression can also cause self-neglect. 

So if someone used to be clean and tidy but now they live in unhygienic surroundings or don’t eat properly it can be a clue that they’re clinically depressed.

#2 Sudden Anger
We often assume a depressed person is withdrawn and quiet. But sadness can sometimes surface as rage. 

Typically, it’s a rapid angry reaction that’s unreasonable and out of proportion. It’s happens when feelings of guilt, rejection and loss get so bottled up that they erupt as sudden anger – watch for it especially if stress as well as depression are involved.

#3 Working Way Too Much
Faced with intense dark feelings, some people try to avoid emotions. They might sleep too much, take drugs, or drink too much, but some bury themselves in work. 

The problem with this symptom is that we often perceive working long hours as being ambitious or trying to provide for a family. 

So look for other clues: does this behaviour typically seem more like a compulsion? Perhaps he’s clearly exhausted yet he’s up every night trying to finish that report? Or she escapes into her email inbox the second you try to talk to her about her worries.

#4 Forgetting Ordinary Tasks
Depression can make it very hard to concentrate – depressed people tend to forget all kinds of weird things, from leaving their keys in the fridge to leaving the milk out in the hall again. Or they may often forget appointments or constantly be late. 

Forgetting things is a tricky depression symptom to spot because stress can also make people forgetful – it’s like the brain is just too “full” with worry to remember much. So look for other clues as well, like….

#5 Not being able to make even small decisions
Depression can go hand-in-hand with hopelessness. People get the idea that no matter what they do, it will all go wrong. 

Victims of depression get wrapped up in thoughts of the bad things to come, that they become unable to make even a tiny decision. Shall I get out of bed? What to have for breakfast? What shall I wear?… it’s all too much. 

They become apathetic and almost paralysed by indecision. You can go out to work and come back hours later… and they’re still in bed.

#6 Too Much Partying
Dancing on the tables can just be high spirits, but it can also be a form of distraction. 

If you don’t want to face your dark feelings or you’re frightened of feeling “numb”, it’s tempting to distract yourself by drinking too much or burying yourself in frantic activity. 

But instead of going out feeling like fun, it feels like desperation, and there’s an undercurrent of hopelessness.

This article written by me, Ellen Whyte, originally appeared on Malaysia Womens Weekly. 

Photo credit: thanks to RyanMcGuire @ Pixabay