How To Forge A Happy Marriage

Back in the 1980s, when I was doing my first degree in psychology, I came across a piece of advice. 

Men's Needs, the book said, run roughly on these lines:

1. Sexual Fulfilment

2. Recreational Companionship

3. An Attractive Spouse

4. Domestic Support

5. Admiration

Women's Needs, the book said, run roughly on these lines:

1. Affection

2. Conversation

3. Honesty and Openness

4. Financial Commitment

5. Family Commitment

The book was HisNeeds, Her Needs by Willard Harley Jr., a US family therapist, and published in 1986. If I remember correctly, these lists were compiled from talking to his clients.

When I read it, part of me was thinking, “This man is talking to and about white middle class Americans so how much does this really apply to me?” and also, “Well, it’s not very scientific, is it?” Also, I wasn’t too convinced that sex isn’t in the average woman’s top five. 

However, the lists did strike me.

How often have you heard a man moan, “She used to love hearing all about my job successes, but these days she just doesn’t care!”  That’s him missing admiration.

Or hear a woman say, “For once I’d like to be able to snuggle without having to a) beg for it, and b) having to follow it with a bonk!” That’s her missing affection.

Today I still have issues with the lists (and perhaps by now he’s updated them to reflect modern life) but I do use them. 

My weekends, for example, are for Us. I know it drives a lot of my friends insane because weekends in Malaysia are always chock full of weddings, dinners, birthday parties etc. However, while I value my pals, I value Tom more, and he isn’t keen on those kinds of events.

So our weekends are reserved entirely for us. We don’t do anything fancy. Most of the time we have a nice home cooked special lunch and then a film marathon on Saturdays.

More often than not, we talk all the way through them. For example, at the moment we’re watching Columbo and Lewis and it’s helping us work out the Perfect Murder. We’re pretty sure that if we decided on marital homicide, we’d get away with it.

Weird? Possibly. But we enjoy it. 

On Sundays, we do the fun lunch again and then we go out. It’s nothing fancy; just our local but we love it.

Again, we talk up a storm. It’s yap-yap-yap for two to three hours, about everything from the news to what’s going on at work. Me, I figure that covers Recreational Support for him and Conversation for me, plus with the chatter and the dressing up so we look nice, we cover a lot of the rest of the lists.

It’s not very glam, is it? But for us, going out to fancy places and doing the romantic wine-and-dine thing is stressful. We enjoy a home cooked meal in front of the telly and then a night out a stone’s throw away from home.  It’s what we did when we dated.

And that is, I think, the essence of the “needs” lists. Dressing up, talking, being affectionate, open conversations, admiration, commitment, and sex - they’re very reflective of what happens when you’re dating - or courting, if that is a better word. 

I don’t think there is such a thing as a recipe for a happy marriage. However, I do believe that many people forget to transfer the dating aspect of their courtship into their married life.

If anyone were to ask, that would be my number one tip for a good relationship: incorporate the things that made dating work for you into your everyday relationship.

What do you think?

Attribution: Image by Tú Anh from Pixabay

"I've got a problem with my boss, so why do you want to know about my mum?" Short answer: 'cause you're a special snowflake. Yes, really!

Yes, you're a special snowflake!

If you've not been into it before, you might worry about what happens during a therapy session.

So here's an example of how you might typically tackle a common problem, in the hope it helps sheds some light on the process.

Suppose you make an appointment to discuss an office problem. "My boss gives me orders, and when I ask a question, he yells," you say. "It's gotten to the point where I'm shaking just at the thought of talking to him. What do I do to fix this?"

The thing is, I can't tell you how to fix it straight off. I know what works for me, but not what works for you. You are a unique human being with your own style, character and circumstances.

Yes, you're a special snowflake! 
 
So what I have to do, is to get to you know you really well, and reasonably quickly. (Because you're paying me and you don't want to be hanging around for weeks on end)

So what are the steps to figure it out?

#1 I ask, "Tell me about the last three times your boss yelled."  We examine the situations in detail so I can see exactly what's going on. At the end of this, I have a better idea of your feelings, your personal style, your boss' personal style and so on.

#2 As a boss is an authority figure, I then look to see how you handle authority figures generally. So I ask, "How do you fight with your mum?" I might also ask about your dad, your teacher at school, your older sibs, former bosses - whatever works.

#3 At this point, I have a good idea of who you are, and of your personal style. The next step is to see if you already have successes in this area. So I ask you, "Have you ever been in a word fight and turned it around?"

#4 We now have lots of information about you and the situation, so now we look at general principles of how issues like your are resolved by other people. Generally, this involves me explaining theories and examples.

#5 Now we pick through everything, and we decide on an approach that a) suits your style and situation, and b) that has some good evidence for working with others.

And at this point, we go on to practice (modeling, we call it) in a safe space, and then we work up to you going out solo.

As you can see, most of it isn't rocket science but it does take a bit of work, especially when it comes to steps 4 and 5 which are often where clients get the most benefit.

I hope that helps. If you think you'd like more personal help, contact details are below.

Why Scolding Leads To Lies

Image by truthseeker08 from Pixabay

On Saturday I left a bag of tangerines and pineapple at the hawker centre. 

 

When I went back the next morning, the man at the stall said, “Yes. No. Oh, I threw it away.”

 

I said, “You threw away perfectly fresh fruit? Come on, you know that’s not true.”

 

I knew he’d eaten it. He knew he was lying. 

 

So he said, “I will compensate you” and I said, “Man, it’s just fruit. Forget it. But don’t lie to me next time, okay?”

I bought my breakfast as usual and replaced the fruit but I was thinking about it on the way home, and I believe this is symptomatic of something else.

When someone leaves perishables, you keep them for a few hours. That’s only fair. But if at the end of that day nobody comes, you don’t chuck out perfectly beautiful, nicely wrapped tangerines and pineapple. That would be a waste. You eat them.

Okay, they were commercially wrapped so you could keep them up to three days. So maybe he could have put them in the fridge and kept them an extra day. But hey, it’s not a gold watch. It’s not money. It’s just fruit.

So why didn’t he just say, “When you didn’t come back, I ate them”?

I think it’s because people are so stressed at the moment that they yell for nothing at all. Bosses scream at workers, customers scream at staff and adults scream at kids. All that aggro has created a situation where people lie automatically, just to avoid a scolding. 

Maybe if there were less scolding, people would be more comfortable telling the truth.

“If it’s quackery, why is it working for me?”

One of the things I find fascinating about psychology is that it’s a field riddled with controversy.

That goose is skeptical, but open to what sticks.

The definition of psychology is that it is the scientific study of the human mind and its functions, especially those affecting behaviour in a given context.

 

However, when you don’t have universal agreement on the definition of basic terms like normal and healthy, then you’re going to have a lot of fights over what’s proper.

As psychology is constantly evolving, there are a lot of discredited theories. That’s okay because we’re all learning. (Go to the end of the article for a short list. Freud is on it!)

To make it more complicated, there are con artists working in the mental health field. But here's the good news: Spotting them is easier than you think, and choosing real help can be a game-changer.

Mental health attracts con artists for many reasons, including:

Scared=Easy Target: Desperate people don’t think clearly so they are easy to fool. But flip that: A calm, qualified chat can turn desperation into direction. I've seen it flip lives in one session.

$$$ Fast Money: Desperate people will part with money quickly, hoping that paying over hard earned cash will magically help them find a ‘fix’. The upside? Evidence-based therapy delivers real, lasting value without the empty promises.

Power Opportunity: It’s easy to influence frightened people. Cons and nuts find that being The Guru is an easy way to power. Yet, true empowerment comes from a therapist who guides you to your own strength; not theirs.

Many of the con artists here in Malaysia call themselves ‘Dr’, talk a lot about the unconscious, and the really cheeky ones run urine and blood tests - all at extortionate prices. (Eye-roll worthy, right?)

I’ve blogged before about how to avoid mental health con artists. Today I’m focusing on a sensible question I’ve been asked, “If it’s quackery, why is it working for me?”

The answer isn’t a simple one but here are some points to consider.

#1 How much time do you spend on your mental health?

If the answer is, “Erm.... dunno. Minutes a month.” then you have to consider that spending a whole hour every week on identifying your issues is helpful all by itself.

Sometimes, all you need is to focus on what’s up and you can find the solution for yourself.

#2 Being upset means you don’t think straight

For most of us, thinking about a problem goes like, “Why am I feeling so bad? This sucks. I hate this.” And on and on and on for hours.

This is not helpful.

Sometimes just sitting down with a person who can help you focus on unraveling your thoughts is enough to clear the fog. The relief? Game-changing. Clients often close at the end of our first session saying, 'Wait, I can breathe again.'

#3 Empathy goes a long way

When I said earlier that psychology is full of controversy, Freud springs to mind. Some of his theories were absolutely bonkers, yet he nailed the empathy bit. 

If you read his books and papers, it’s very easy to see why he was effective: he was genuinely interested in people and he was a thoughtful man.

Sometimes, just having an understanding ear is enough to help.

This of course begs another question: “So if I see a quack who has good intentions, an empathetic attitude, and I’m willing to spend the time, what’s the problem?

A wacko quack can cause real damage

Just this: a wacko quack can cause real damage.

Think about it in terms of fixing a car. If you see blue smoke coming out of the engine, you can take it to a cowboy mechanic and one of two things happens: you strike lucky and it’s fixed, or you pay your money and end up with a vehicle that blows up. The good news? With a certified mechanic (ahem, therapist), it's more like a smooth upgrade to a turbo engine—no explosions, just reliable power.

It’s the same with mental health.

So, steer clear of the quacks. But here's the exciting part: Armed with this info, you're already ahead. Ready to trade fog for focus? Your mental health is too important to gamble on. Let's build something solid instead.

 

As a qualified psychotherapist with a BSc (Hons) in Psychology and a Master's in Counselling with Distinction, I provide evidence-based therapy that's grounded in science and tailored to your needs—without the risks of unproven methods.

 

If you're ready for safe, effective support to navigate your mental health challenges, message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation. Let's work together to clear the fog and build lasting clarity.

 

PS If you’re curious why pseudoscience is increasingly popular, check out Prof Patrick Grim who's one my favourites, or throw the terms pseudoscience into Amazon to see a list of current publications. It’s an awesome field, and worth taking a look at.

Curious what psychological theories are considered nonsense by insiders? Here’s a paper you’ll love. (Skip straight to page 518 for the full list.) For a quick nerd bonus, top pseudosciences include:

o       Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) for treatment of mental/behavioral disorders

o       Freudian dream analysis for treatment of mental/behavioral disorders

o       Rage reduction therapy for depression

I Can't Pay For Therapy; How About Working With A Student Therapist?

If you can’t afford therapy, one option is to work with a student therapist. There are pros and cons, so here’s a short list of things to take into account when you make your choices.

Pros

Students tend to be open to exploring options. That can be good if standard therapy approaches haven’t worked for you.

Students need hours, so they tend to favour long sessions. That’s good if you have issues that need lots of time to address.

It’s free. As students aren’t qualified, they can’t charge. At least, that’s the rule of thumb in Malaysia. I am hearing of other countries where students charge money; I find that very difficult in terms of ethics. See my next points.

Cons

Your student therapist is still learning, and that has implications. It’s just like asking a student doctor to give you an injection or medical exam; sometimes they’re terrific and sometimes they’re a bit clumsy.

As you’re not dealing with a fully qualified person, your sessions are not private. Your student therapist will be talking about your case with her supervisor, her tutor back at school, and then the examiner will see the notes as well.  In my school, we were also asked to present cases we were working on in class. In addition, your case may be evaluated by a licensing board.

All this checking and double checking is to make sure everything is being done right.

Should you be worried? Some student therapists are pretty good about anonymising information and destroying notes after. Others are not. To be certain, ask for details. 

When students do their practice hours, everything needs to be documented and checked. This is to prevent fraud. This means contact hours are face-to-face sessions held in the supervisor’s place of work. This has implications for you because when the student therapist has completed her hours, she leaves. To prevent your sessions from halting abruptly, ask your student therapist how she will plan for this.

If you want online therapy, this may be difficult: students typically don’t work online or across borders because of the way hours need to be supervised and documented.

I knew when I was studying that I wanted to work online so I planned specially for it. I took an extra course in online therapy. On top of that, I also did an extra project, working online with overseas clients. 

 

Throughout, I leveraged my Masters Degree supervisors to make sure I was on the right track and I had an overseas teacher as well.  If you want to work online with a student, just ask how she’s getting her supervisors to work with her.

Note: I’m in Malaysia and I write from a local perspective. As countries have their own laws governing licensing and practice, you may have different or additional issues to deal with.

My advice: if you’re in doubt about a mental health provider or service, ask your family doctor to direct you to the proper organisations in your country. Mental health practitioners know it’s a minefield for the general public to find good quality help, and they tend to be generous about helping you find someone proper.

Why is therapy expensive? And why are you so cheap compared to others?

One question pops up fairly often, "Why is therapy expensive?" So here are some thoughts.

#1 We’re slow to start. It takes about seven years of school, Bachelors plus Masters, and apart from the classes, you need to spend roughly 1000 hours on unpaid internships that include some 300 therapy hours. Getting that done takes a year, sometimes more. So getting to the point where we can work costs a bomb.

#2 We do a lot of stuff you don’t see. You talk for an hour, but the second you leave, we’re writing up session notes. Then, before we talk next time, we read through the notes to prepare. While it varies, for every hour we talk, I tend to spend an hour on notes and prep.

#3 We're always studying. Every job involves constant learning but psychology is particularly intensive. I do constant journal sweeps as well as reading new publications, attending lectures and taking short courses. It costs money to stay current.

So there you go. I keeping costs down by working online. I don't have a fancy office with lots of rental, and I do my own paperwork which keeps everything nice and private and means I have no staff costs. 

 

I could probably double my prices, work less and earn the same. But I believe therapy should be at least a bit accessible if possible. So if I work a bit harder to survive, I'm okay with that.   

 

What Is It Like To Cut A Toxic Parent Out Of Your Life? A Personal Perspective

Note: the original piece did not identify the relative. Now, as he passed away some years ago, I have updated it. 23 November 2022

 

I’ve thought about writing about this topic more than once, and I’ve always chickened out. However, I was asked the other day for tips about coping with toxic people, including toxic family, and having had second, third and fourth thoughts, I’ve decided to go for it.

A few years ago I was making a phone call to my father. I intended to arrange a night out. A drink followed by dinner. I felt dreadful: churning stomach, sweaty hands, and headache alive and hammering.

I didn’t have the flu. It was pure nerves.

I was standing there and that’s when it hit me. I looked at myself and thought, “This is ridiculous. I’m not doing it anymore.”

I made a decision on the spot to end it. It wasn’t easy, and despite the apparent circumstances, it wasn’t a sudden one either. Our relationship had deteriorated over a period of years.

I’d tried to fix it several times but it was like talking to a brick wall. No matter how I tried, the barrage of lies, put downs, mind games and a whole load of other absolute poisonous crap that I won’t discuss here went on and on and on.

I’d kept going because I kept thinking that it would change, that it would get better.

But it didn’t and so I said, “Enough.”

Not making that call was huge for me. The moment I made that decision I felt absolutely awful. It’s hard to describe but it was a sense of failure, of utmost misery.

But you know what?  I also felt huge relief.

I cried buckets, pure guilt, and then I got sensible. I thought it through and planned for the fall-out.

First, I had to cut ties. I worked out what I wanted to say the next time we spoke, and I practiced and practiced so I’d get it all out in one go, without being drawn into long debates.

I don’t remember the exact words but I was very brief and impersonal. It went something like, “We’ve not connected for a long time. Our meetings upset me. It is best for me to step back.”

The conversation took place over the phone and it took less than a minute. Afterwards I went through more a barrage of those same conflicting emotions but at that point the relief loomed larger than the rest.

Then when the news spread, I tackled the issues one by one.

My close family and friends understood as they’d seen for themselves what led up to it.  Apart from, “We’re here if you want to talk” they were kind enough to leave me to it. 

 

And when I got myself together, I did do a bit of talking. Still do, sometimes. I don’t think I could have done it without them and I’m forever grateful.

It was the people I didn’t know well who were a pain in the bum. I learned to cut off the well meaning ones by saying, “This is a private family matter I prefer not to discuss.” 

The few who persisted got shorter shrift. “Mind your own business and I’ll mind mine” caused some red faces but I don’t regret it. Busybodies who want to second-guess and armchair moralise are best kept at arm’s length.

The most difficult thing was that some more distant family and friends complained. I had some very difficult conversations with them but I realised very quickly that they were mainly bitching out of fear.

I’m afraid this is very common in these situations: they knew I'd dealt with a lot of shit and if I stepped back, it might fall on them. Once you realise what’s behind the, “Why can’t we just go back to the way we used to be?” it’s easier to stick to your guns.

So, am I happier?  Was it the right decision? 

I do feel grief over What Might Have Been. And sometimes I play that, “What if I’d said this instead of that?” But on balance it was right to walk away. For me the answer is yes.

Is it right for you? I don’t know. What I would say is this: think it over. Wave a magic wand and ask, “What would life be like if...?” and think it through.

As this is my blog, and I’m a counsellor, I’d say that if you need to, it can help to talk it all through with someone like me. 

If you don’t want to hire me, my advice would be to  pick someone who has experience of abuse and domestic violence cases. People who’ve been up at the sharp end tend to be better at talking through all the possibilities of dealing with toxic relationships. 

Also, avoid therapists who are committed to ‘saving’ relationships. You want someone who wants the best for you, not someone who wants you to live according to a pattern they think is nice.  

And having said all that, Happy New Year. May 2018 bring you health, happiness and lots of laughter.

Image by Arek Socha