How To Say The N-word

Years ago, the day after I'd moved house, a neighbour came up to me and said, "We're having a street meeting." 

I was still unpacking, I was tired, and so I said something casual about maybe looking in. 

He replied, "Oh, but I already told them you'd come." And then he added, "All the ladies are bringing something. You can cook something from your country."

Awkward, right?

One of the greatest challenges we face socially, is saying no. It can be quite difficult, especially if you're dealing with people you don't know well.

Many of us are worried about saying no because we wonder "what people might think". We worry that they'll think we're disagreeable, difficult or selfish. It's especially hard if you're female, or in a place that puts a lot of value on conforming.

There are several ways to address this.  My favourite, is to get some perspective. That's where you tell your story in the third person, describing just the events as if it's happened to other people. Then, give the fictional you advice.

Like with the story I just told. Telling it in the third person, that story would go like this:

Mia has just moved house. She's exhausted.
John comes round and says, "We're having a party!"
Mia replies, "Thanks. I'm too tired to go out, but I hope you have a good time."
John says, "But I said you'd come. Oh, and you should bring food, too."

QUESTION: what advice would you give to Mia?

Put this way, we'd be likely to tell Mia to skip the party and forget about it. Because John is being inconsiderate.

Perspective works because we tend to give very good practical advice to others, whereas we're often much too hard on ourselves. With perspective, you take away some of the personal elements; it helps you see clearly.

Once you've gained your perspective, you practice - or model, as we say in the trade.

What you do is write down what you think they will say, and your ideal answer. Then you run through it. The idea is that you get to practice in a safe space, and anticipate some of the issues that might crop up.

With saying no in the type of scenario I just described, you might be faced with responses like:
"But it won't be the same if you're not there!"
"We're depending on you to bring the cake/stew/whatever."
"Everyone is expecting you!"
"If you don't go, you'll ruin it!"

If you're faced with this live, that kind of pressure heaps up - because of that need to be nice and agreeable. However, if you get perspective and model, you'll see it for what it is: emotional blackmail. 

When you get that kind of response, you may be tempted to argue or justify. Don't do that! Stick to what matters: you were asked, you declined - and that's the end of it. Do not get drawn in to discussion. Just say, "No."

You can also use some non-defensive and assertive language. These are expressions that will help you cut down on arguments and that will help you draw personal boundaries. Here's a list.

Practice non-defensive responding phrases:
Oh?
Oh, I see.
That's interesting.
I'm sorry you feel that way THEN STOP TALKING
Thank you for your opinion. I'll take that on board. THEN STOP TALKING
I'm sorry you're hurt/upset/disappointed THEN STOP TALKING
I'm sorry you don't approve. THEN STOP TALKING
You're certainly entitled to your opinion THEN STOP TALKING
Let's do this some other time, when you're calmer. THEN STOP TALKING
Let me think about that. THEN STOP TALKING

Add in assertive phrases:
That is very hurtful
I don't appreciate it when you call me INSERT PHRASE HERE
When you speak that way, you hurt me
You agreed to hear me out.
Name calling and screaming won't get us anywhere.
It's not okay for you to talk to me that way.
I won't talk to you when you are yelling at me.
I won't stay if you speak to me this way
I won't stay when you are scaring me.

TOP TIP: if the person is abusive or threatening, WALK AWAY!

Saying no can be difficult, but doing so will cut your stress load. So, have a go, and if you are looking for professional help, send me an email. The first 20 minutes are free.

PS, I told my neighbour, "Absolutely not." And when he spluttered about having committed me already, I countered with, "They'll be fine when you bring along the dish you promised." 

He's been very polite ever since.

Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images

Coping With Sudden Trouble: My Personal Strategies 2 Socialising and Support

Last week I talked about how 2018 was a crisis year for me - which meant I got to road test standard coping techniques.  I'm sharing my experiences with you, in the hope that you find it useful.

Note: I started making a video, but Swooner came in and threw up and now it's raining. I'm taking it as a Sign to Wait For Tomorrow.

Last week was about organizing and minimizing; today is about socializing and support.

We are social creatures and we need to feel connected. However, being around people when you are over-stressed, is tricky.

Stress affects your emotions. You may be a little too quick to anger, or cry, or to see the negative side of a neutral or positive comment… 

Also, people who know you are in mid-crisis tend to ask questions, like, "How are you?" and "You poor thing. How are you coping?"

They mean to be kind, but it their questions can lead to you reliving the trauma that comes with crisis, instead of taking a break from it.

Plus, if you are lucky enough to have lots of friends, you may end up having the same conversation over and over. I become impatient when tired, and so I find this issue particularly difficult.

Then, there's 'advice'.  This is very popular, and it's well meant. Friends don't like to see you suffer, and so they tell you how they cope or think they'd cope, and they frame it as "you should" or "have you done this?"

However, even if it's good stuff, unasked for advice can come across as second-guessing or auditing.  Too much unasked for advice can have you questioning yourself and your coping strategies, thus further racking up the stress.

In short, being with people, even when they try to be helpful, might add to your stress in a time of crisis.

So, how do you manage it?

The first thing I do is to limit my socializing. 

I draw back completely from social media. Stress affects my temper, and with cross cultural text communication being a challenge, I think it's best to take a break.

Next, I only speak about the crisis to my family and my closest friends. I can say anything to them, and they are sane, sensible and supportive.

I also connect with people who've been through the same crisis experience. Sometimes, just sharing with someone who's been there and done that is a relief. 

At the same time, I up my face to face socializing. I lunch with writers, researchers, lawyers and academics, colleagues and acquaintances who don't know about my personal life. It's a great way to switch off from my troubles while giving me fresh things to think about.

Also, I have some pub buddies who are perfectly happy to talk about this that and the other, without treading on sore topics. We call it 'decompression' and it's lovely.

By carefully curating my social interaction, I get the best out of my support system and I cut down on the negatives. I think the concept is an important part of managing stress but the details of your approach have to be tailored to your personal experience.

If you want more details, take a look at the post on Support System Mapping. It's sensible, not psychology, but it's very, very useful!

Next time, we'll talk about saying no and setting boundaries.

Thank you for listening, and do leave a comment or come and talk to me on FB. And if you have an issue you want to discuss with a mental health professional, do contact me. The first 20 minutes are free.

Image by TeroVesalainen from Pixabay

 

 

 

 

Coping With Sudden Trouble: My Personal Strategies

I specialise in stress and depression, and as it happens, 2018 gave me an opportunity to road-test techniques and approaches. Over the next few weeks, I'm going to share what I did, how it worked for me, and hopefully, it will help you too.

If you don't know me, let me start by explaining that these last 12 months have not been easy.

Last February our best friend died in a shock smash and in March my husband, Tom, broke an arm and a leg. 

Tom was at home for three months, and helpless, poor soul.  During his convalescence, I was helping our friend's widow deal with the kind of red tape a sudden death generates. Also, there were some difficult family matters that cropped up. The year culminated with my estranged father's death in December.

I really thought we could get some peace, and then Guido, our wonderful cat, disappeared.

Recognising the signs of stress and burnout, I took the best part of six weeks off work. Now I'm back, and I'd like to share.

When life becomes too stressful...

Everyone is stressed nowadays. We all seem to be pushed to the max. Current advice tends to focus on coping, and this typically involves learning a stress relieving exercise such as visualising. I love that kind of exercise because it's a basic skill that will 'push up your Zen', as a friend calls it.

However, when your life is too stressful, you can't just whap on a Band-Aid like visualisation. Stress is a signal that you are over loading. It's okay for a very short time, but if you keep pushing yourself, you're going to damage your health.

Stress is a signal that you need to change your life.  

So, here's my first tip: when life becomes too complex, simplify.

Back in April, when I found myself running around 24/7 and too busy really to sleep properly, I stepped back and took a good look at how I was spending my time. This isn't psychology, it's practical time management, but it's a step towards good mental health:

Note down how you spend your time. Then, rationalise.

I have three jobs: counselling psychologist, columnist, and author. My other tasks were red tape for my friend's estate and some small projects I had on the go.

When I laid it all out, I realised that I was very organised about my work, but that I had allowed the red tape to take over.

What I was doing wrong: 

I was treating every bit of paperwork as an emergency. It wasn't. Taking phone calls and texts at all times of day, and prioritising whatever had to be done, meant I was ducking in and out of that task and stressing myself several times a week.

How I fixed it:   

I accepted all the texts, forms, letters and so on, but I put them aside and dealt with it all on Thursday mornings.

What I was doing wrong:  

Also, I had lost sight of what I am contracted to do and what work I take on as a favour.

How I fixed it:  

The small projects were mentoring work. As they were favours, I was at liberty to make my own rules. I informed the people involved that life had thrown me a couple of curve balls and that I would be available but only at certain times. Then I scheduled blocks of time weeks in advance.

What that did. 

By pushing those jobs into solid blocks, I lowered my stress level and was able to use the rest of my time more productively.

In addition, I changed some of my routines at home. I ordered groceries online to be delivered every Saturday so I could avoid going shopping. That's been a bit hit and miss, but overall, it's been useful.

Also, I dumped every single clothing item that needs ironing. Now I wear only pure cotton that goes in the dryer and can be hung up or folded, and miracle material blouses that are wash and shake dry. That has been a life saver and I seriously recommend everyone in the world adopt this!

As first steps, these moves really helped me. Next time I'd like to talk about socialising and support.

Want to discuss this? Come and talk to me here.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

A Bit About Me

How I Built a Practice Around Privacy and Real-World Danger

I'm a Level 7 Registered Psychotherapist with a psychology degree (honours) and masters in counselling (distinction). Over the past decade, I've built an international practice serving clients across 20+ countries—including many where seeking therapy or being LGBTQ carries genuine life-or-death risks.

One-third of my clients are gay in places where that's a death sentence. Others are escaping abusive relationships or navigating high-stakes professional situations where privacy isn't just preferred—it's survival.

The Story That Changed Everything

Ellen, therapist

I didn't start out planning to be a therapist. When I was 18, the university admissions office ticked the wrong box and gave me Psychology instead of Accounting. I thought I'd switch after a semester, but got hooked and ended up majoring in Psychology instead.

After university, I spent years working internationally in the family business (civil and defence contracting), living in Spain and Indonesia before settling in Malaysia with my husband Tom. I built a successful content business and wrote 4,000 articles worldwide.

Then in 2014, Women's Weekly asked me to write a feature on rape and sexual violence. What I heard made my blood boil: women being attacked in their homes, on the street, in taxis—then blamed by authorities and family for "asking for it." Support existed, mostly through feminist NGOs, but abuse was taboo. Some survivors didn't know help was available.

That article helped tens of thousands of women. It also changed my life.

I realised I wanted to do more than write about these issues—I wanted to provide direct support. So I pivoted. Six months later, I signed up for a Master's in Counselling with one goal: to train properly so I could offer a safe, trauma-informed space for people living with the aftermath of violence.

My Training Focused on Real-World Impact

My psychology degree gave me a solid foundation in science, critical thinking, and mental health theory. The Master's helped me refresh that knowledge and focus on practical support.

My placements were deliberately chosen for their relevance:
• All Women's Action Malaysia (AWAM): Supporting survivors of rape, abuse, incest, domestic violence, and harassment
• Dresser-Rand–Siemens: Career stress, redundancies, cross-cultural communication, workplace mental health
• Asia Pacific University (APU): International students and staff dealing with anxiety, depression, loneliness, identity issues, and personal growth

I also completed additional training in Online Therapy and Counselling, knowing I wanted to serve clients regardless of geography.

Building a Practice That Puts Privacy First

In 2016, I launched my fully online practice with two core principles: extreme privacy and practical trauma recovery.

Today, I work with clients worldwide. Half are adults recovering from historic abuse—incest, rape, trafficking, violence. The other half are professionals who need a genuinely confidential space to think, plan, and decompress. As one client put it: "I dump all my angst on you and then go home to be with the people I love."

I choose not to pursue traditional accreditation because I'm heavily invested in my clients' privacy. When your clients include people whose lives depend on confidentiality, you don't hand over notes to supervisors or professional bodies.

Why This Work Matters

Having lived in countries where being LGBTQ was criminalised, I understand the real-world consequences when privacy fails. This work can be tough, but it matters enormously. I'm also fortunate to still write columns for The Star newspaper in Malaysia—staying connected to the issues that drive my therapeutic work.

Ready to Talk?

If you need therapy that genuinely respects your privacy—whatever your circumstances—I'd like to help. Whether you're dealing with trauma, navigating a dangerous situation, or simply need a completely confidential space to think and plan, let's discuss how I can support you.

The first 15-minute consultation is free and completely confidential. No commitment required.

"HELP! Am I ruining Christmas?"

A friend of mine sent me a note, with a suggestion I talk about this here because it’s such a common problem.

"HELP! Am I ruining Christmas?"

Ellen,

I have always spent every holiday with my family. This year, I’m not going back for Christmas.

I’ve run out of leave and so I can’t take any extra days. Also, work has been hell and I’m just exhausted.

Instead of flying home, I’m staying in town and driving twenty minutes to my fiancée’s family for a quiet dinner.

Mum said she understands but I have this awful guilty feeling. Am I ruining Christmas?

Okay, you know your circumstances are dictating a very sensible decision and your mum agrees, so where’s the guilt coming from?

I suspect that this is a stress reaction inspired by change. You’ve always gone home and now you’re not. That’s a little unsettling. Also, you’re tired and that tends to lead to gloomy thoughts where you perceive things in the most negative way possible.

I think you need to step back and look at the big picture. Before this, you were a single lady and going home was natural. Now you’re engaged, your life’s changing. This is the start of the holiday juggle; the bit where you and your future husband will plan to see both your families over the year’s holidays.

A chat with mum, something along the lines of, “I’ll be getting married soon, and I’m dreading having to parcel out our holiday time” will help. She had to do the same and can probably give you some sensible advice. Communicate openly, and you’ll feel a lot better.

Also, do consider that Chinese New Year is coming up in six weeks time and that both Wesak and Gawai fall over a long weekends as well. So, there are plenty of holidays coming up. 

Merry Christmas!

The Connection Between Sleep Quality and Mood for New Mums

A new study in The Journal of Behavioral Medicine in July this year looked into the connection between sleep quality and post-natal depression and anxiety. As it wasn't reported in the mass media, I thought you might be interested.

The importance of a good night's sleep is only common sense. The thing is, sometimes common sense proves to be wrong. So, it's sensible to run scientific studies, just to see what's what.

For this one, researchers from 4 universities in the US interviewed 116 ladies who'd given birth six months earlier. They assessed them for depression and for anxiety. They also asked an awful lot of questions about factors that might be important such as their age, their employment status and so on.

When they adjusted for all the differences, the numbers showed that there is a clear link between poor sleep and depression and anxiety symptoms.

What does it mean?

We know from other studies mood problems can make it hard for mums and babies to bond. That's a problem because good strong bonds are important for healthy development. 

Now, other studies show that postnatal depression and anxiety are quite common. Roughly one in ten mummies get to one or the other. If you're unlucky, you get both.

So, when doctors talk to new mums, this new study tells us that the conversation needs to include a chat about sleep quality. Mums who are okay but who aren't sleeping well need to be given a heads-up that it may lead to mood issues. Because forewarned is forearmed.

As for new mums who report having mood issues, we're saying, focusing on sleep quality should be part of the package.  That means talking to a mental health professional about cognitive behavioural therapy, relaxation techniques like visualisation and other systems that can help improve sleep quality.

The study is by no means perfect, no study ever is, but it's nicely structured and thoughtful, so I think it's worth checking out.

 
I hope you found this useful. Do leave a comment to share your thoughts. Also, please, if you are hit by post-natal depression or anxiety, get help, okay? Don't just suffer, reach out. Also, get some quality sleep.

Visualisation - Meditation for the Non-Spiritual

Do you ever get that tight, gasping feeling? As if you're being crushed on the inside? Or a feeling over being overwhelmed?

Visualisation is a mental time-out that can help you destress. It’s a bit like meditation but much simpler. 

 
This how it works: you need to combine several deep breaths with a mental image that you relate with feelings of calm and relaxation. 

Also, to give the exercise kick, you need to bring in as many of the five senses as you can: what you see, smell, feel, hear and taste. 

Finally, it works best if you walk into the image and finish it either by sitting still or on a loop of activity.

Like for me, my idyllic scene is to walk up to a swimming in a pool in the middle of a super hot day, to get in and then to swim laps. The image works for me because I’m from a cold country and so the idea of a burning sun on my back is just heaven.

However, it’s not for everyone. Many of my friends in Malaysia have a horror of the sun, so my happy scene would make them stressed not relaxed.  You have to pick the right scene for this to work!

I like visualisation because it’s simple, fast and it works surprisingly well for a lot of people. At the very worst, if it doesn’t work, there are few downsides, like you waste a few minutes.

If you do the exercise every day, it promotes calm and helps lower stress levels.

You can also use it to manage stress attacks.

Visualisations work best when they are personalised (yes, hire me!) but I’ve made you a short video of a cross culturally friendly early morning beach scene that’s designed to be calming and refreshing. 

Try it out and let me know how it goes.