Dealing With The Horror Question, “When are you going to have kids?”

It drives so many of us nuts, but some people insist on being rude and asking personal questions. 

We chose not to have kids, so this one comes from the heart.

 

Here are some extra notes:

Alternatives to "Mind your own business" from the bluntest to the politest

My sex life and fertility status are private
You ask this every time we meet. Tell you what, when something changes, I'll let you know
Why do you need to know?
I don't know. So, what's new with you?
When the time is right. So, seen any good films recently?

If you want to opt for schooling them

About 10% to 15% of Malaysian couples have fertility issues. Therefore, that question is considered rude/insensitive.

If you want to communicate openly

Statement of emotion
"I don't know. And frankly, I dread this question. It spoils parties for me, and holidays."

Block their arguing
"I'm not discussing it anymore."

Direct to action/new behaviour
"Please, don't ask me again. Don't talk to me about it."

Refocus:
"So, what's new with you?"

Enforce the boundary by walking away if they persist.

Resetting Career Priorities After The Pandemic - Two Things That Worked And One Thing That Didn't

Every August I have a think about my therapy practice and figure out what I want from the next 12 months. Last year I focused on picking up some new skills; this year I am focusing on growing my business.

To do that successfully, I had to consider my lifestyle, my other activities, and fit it all together.  The huge challenge is the pandemic. Continuing lockdowns and flareups in various countries create merry hell with the economy, and the uncertainty makes it tough to plan.

Even so, it's the end of the first quarter, and I'm hitting my goals, so here are some thoughts. If you're planning a reset in 2022, I hope this will be of use to you.

What really worked super well #1: Clearing my mind of all the things that I kind of like but don't really need, and being brutal about not doing things that I maybe 'should' be doing but that I really don't want to.

This prep was fundamental. It came in two flavours: work and social.

Work: In the last few years I've had various revenue streams, and it's tempting to hang on to all of them. I listed them all, and looked at Return On Investment, ROI, to see how much work I put into every dollar earned.

I dumped all the ones that weren't giving good returns. I thought I'd freak about this, but it was surprisingly relieving.

Social: I realized during the first year of the pandemic that I find social occasions quite draining. I love small chats with small groups of people, but I don't like big gatherings. Also, I hate traffic jams.

I have stopped going to weddings and parties. And all my in-person socializing is now kept to one day a month. BUT, I have regular WhatsApp calls with friends, three to four times a week.

I thought this might be really awful, but it turns out so many people feel overwhelmed, that this worked out great.  

I also always say no to meeting strangers in person. Whenever there's a business person who wants to talk about an opportunity blah blah blah…. They get a strictly timed Zoom or a WhatsApp chat that lasts a few minutes. I may be missing opportunities but that's where the next bit comes in.

Bottom line: Getting rid of a lot of emotional burden that didn't pay off was a good move. It's left me energized to get cracking on the next thing.

What really worked super well #2:  Setting a one sentence goal.

Usually, I try to fit various things in but this year I had one goal only. I decided that what I really want is to have two stable revenue streams. That is a split between the psychology and the corporate writing.

It boiled down to this basic:  "To have 18 to 22 client hours a week, and to maintain the writing contract I have at the present level."

The writing is what it is, and there's nothing to do there except for set aside the hours it takes to service the contact.

All my energy is therefore aimed at the therapy business. I was aiming at a 15% increase, which was doable in terms of time as I dumped the low-return writing clients. But it means I had to recruit new therapy clients.

To get that going means maintaining a certain level of marketing - just a little to trickle in new business but not too much because I am one person and can only take on a certain amount of work.

Also, I focus on depression and anxiety, but I want to make sure I have a spread of work (relationships, career issues, relocation issues etc) so I stay fresh. That means I have to adjust my marketing regularly.

I'm there most weeks, and if I keep doing what I'm doing, it'll be fine - as long as the economy is stable, and as long as the pandemic doesn't flare up again.

What completely crashed and burned: being too reactive

Initially, I was seeing what was what every few days. I should have known that's not right because big picture thinking is the stuff of longterm success. So I dropped a loop there.

With my business, I need to make a monthly goal, and to note holidays which impact on client hours too.

Also, marketing tends to take two months or so to kick in, and some of it needs two or three repeats. So some of the things I did in September won't be visible until December or even January.  

I have learned to sit back and not look at how I'm doing every day or even every week. I'm looking every few weeks now and by mid-2022, I plan to be looking just once a month to every six weeks.

Overall though, it's worked well and I'm really happy. I am on FB a bit less on my busy weeks, but I see you all more on the less busy weeks.

To sum up: being ruthless about streamlining, being super focused on a very tight goal, and then stepping back is working for me.

Let me know what you think.
 

It's Okay To Be Not Okay Post-Pandemic

Are you worried that you're not 'back to normal' with the lifting of the lockdowns? If so, you're not alone. Also, I think you should not worry about not being as you were pre-pandemic. Here's why.

We're being told that going out of lockdown = normal. No, it's not.

When we go out, everyone is wearing masks. It means we can't see expressions, and it reminds us of the pandemic. Not normal.

Also, everywhere you go, you have to check in, take temperatures and there are police and guards all over. Not normal.

If you're at work, there are SOPs, probably more masks, and you're constantly aware of having to maintain distance. Plus, you may be worrying that someone is infectious. Very stressful. Not normal.

Finally, if you do meet with friends, it's likely a part of the conversation is about the pandemic. While it's natural, that topic also reinforces the fact that we're in a pandemic. The tail-end of one, but still a pandemic.

So, my suggestion is this:

• Things are not normal.
• It's perfectly okay to feel what you feel.
• Accept that having feelings is a good thing. Being human means having feelings.
• Also, as emotions and feelings are notifications about your inner world and your environment, try to figure out exactly what you're feeling.  You may be uncertain, fearful, angry, sad, intent - whatever it is, just see what is going on with you.
• Once you figure out what your emotions are telling you, help yourself cope. This can be tricky because it's intensely personal. But usually, knowing what's going on, plus a bit of breathing, and distraction (pet the cat! Talk to a friend!) can work wonders.
• But most of all, know that your reactions are perfectly okay. This is not normal times.

PS if you need help figuring out coping strategies, contact me. We can work it out together

Note: Image by Bella H. from Pixabay

Should You Pay for Someone's Therapy? Read This First

Ellen Whyte, gift certificates for therapy sessions

Someone you love is struggling. You want to help. You're thinking of offering to pay for their therapy.

It's a generous gesture, and it can be life-changing. But it's also more complicated than it seems.

In my decade of private practice working with clients across 20+ countries, I've seen well-meaning offers to pay for therapy backfire, and I've also seen them change lives. Here's how to get it right.

Why Paying Directly for Someone's Therapy Can Backfire

When someone knows someone else is paying for their therapy, they often feel guilty. "I should be able to handle this myself." That shame can make them rush through therapy, hoping to "fix themselves" quickly to avoid wasting your money.

I've had clients who received open-ended offers to pay for therapy from parents or partners. They felt so guilty about the cost that they tried to "graduate" after three sessions, long before they were ready. They watched the clock, worried about the expense, and couldn't relax into the work we needed to do.

But good therapy takes time, space, and calm, not pressure.

Then there's privacy. Mental health is deeply personal, and even when the giver means well, the receiver might feel watched. They may feel obliged to explain how it's going, or feel judged if they don't show enough progress. That's a heavy burden when you're already struggling.

It's easy to forget that gifts can create pressure, not just gratitude. That's especially true when the gift touches on something as private as mental health.

There's a Better Way: Therapy Gift Vouchers

The solution is therapy gift vouchers. Think of them like a book token. You buy one or more, hand them to your person, and walk away. They use them when (and if) they're ready. And you'll never know if they do, because I won't tell you.

It's support without pressure. Help without watching. A gift that respects their privacy and autonomy.

Here's how therapy gift vouchers solve the problems:

No pressure to perform. The giver doesn't know if or when the vouchers are used. There's no expectation to report back, show progress, or prove the gift was "worth it."

No guilt about cost. There's a set amount. No meter running. The recipient can focus on therapy instead of worrying about wasting someone's money.

Complete privacy. I won't tell the giver anything about whether the vouchers are used or how therapy is going. The recipient's mental health remains entirely their own business.

They choose when they're ready. Sometimes people need time before they're ready for therapy. Vouchers give them that space. They're not forced to start before they're prepared.

When Are Therapy Gift Vouchers Most Helpful?

Gift vouchers are particularly helpful during difficult life transitions like divorce, job loss, bereavement, or major illness, when someone you care about clearly needs support but doesn't know where to start.

They're also popular around holidays and birthdays, when you want to give something meaningful rather than another material gift.

And sometimes, they're simply a way to say "I see you're struggling, and I want you to have access to help if you want it."

What Happens When Someone Uses a Gift Voucher With Me

When someone uses a gift voucher for therapy with me, we start by figuring out what's going on. We work out what's causing their distress, whether it's depression, anxiety, life circumstances, or a combination of factors.

Then we create a customized approach that fits their specific situation. Not a one-size-fits-all method, but tools and strategies tailored to how their struggles show up in their life.

I often combine different therapeutic approaches. For example, I use Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for thought patterns that aren't serving them, and positive psychology techniques to build strengths alongside addressing problems. This creates comprehensive support tailored to each person.

How Therapy Gift Vouchers Work

You purchase vouchers. Contact me and I'll explain the options and help you choose the right amount.

You give them to your person. Just like a book token or gift card. No strings attached.

They use them when they're ready. The vouchers are valid for 6 months. They contact me directly to book sessions.

Their privacy is protected. I won't tell you whether they've used the vouchers, when they book sessions, or anything about our work together. That's between me and them.

If you're reading this and wishing someone would offer you this gift, you can also purchase vouchers for yourself, or send this article to someone who might want to help.

Ready to Purchase Therapy Gift Vouchers?

If you're planning this as a holiday or birthday gift, email me at least a week in advance to ensure everything is arranged in time.

Visit the Gift Vouchers page to purchase, or contact me directly:

Email: ellen.whyte@gmail.com
WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143

If you'd like to give someone this kind of support, I'm here to help you do it right.

I'm Reviewing My Rates For Therapy - But Don't Worry, I'm Still Super Affordable

 

It’s that time of year when I think about my practice, which includes reviewing my professional fees. I charge just RM100 per hour for clients in Malaysia and US$35 per hour for overseas clients. That’s about 50% to 70% less than the average rate. I’m not putting it up this year, and I’ll explain why in a minute.

First though, you might wonder why therapy is so expensive. Basically, it’s because you can’t take on clients until you’ve done Bachelor and Masters Degrees. The minimum is 7 years training and that costs a bomb.

Also, the work is really intensive. For example, I spent 6 hours yesterday talking to people recovering from incest, sexual abuse, workplace bullying, cheating, and plain depression and anxiety. At the end of that, I was wiped. Because it’s intensive, I have to limit the hours I take on. If I do too much, I’ll burn out.

So why am I not following the trend and upping my fees to RM150 which is the basic low rate or to RM350 which I can also swing if I stick to CEOs and the assorted affluent people?

Because I’m a twit 😊

Seriously, it’s mostly because of ethics. I believe that the people who need help most tend to be the ones at the bottom of the pay scale. As for that pay scale, here are some facts from The Malaysian Department of Statistics

In 2020, the mean salary for men in Malaysia was RM2,093

In 2020, the mean salary for women in Malaysia was RM2,019

In 2019, the mean salary for men in Malaysia was RM2,477

In 2019, the mean salary for women in Malaysia was RM2,370

So between 2019 and 2020, men lost 15.5% in income and women lost 14.8%.

With the pandemic on top of this, I expect that 2021 is going to suck, too.

What I could do is means-test, meaning I ask people what they earn and charge according to a sliding scale.

I know this is a common practice but I find it horrendous for two reasons. First, people’s pay is very private. Actually much more private than sex. Second, although it’s not sensible, people do link self-worth to salary. So asking for a discounted price on the basis of low earnings may shame them.

I absolutely will not put my clients into a position where they have to share personal information that may also make them uncomfortable in order to get help.

As I can choose to be part of the problem or part of the solution, I choose to maintain my charges for another year. As the price of living is going up, I will work a little harder, but know that this is the more ethical approach. <- like I said, I’m a twit 😊 but I do try and do things Right.

In a practical spirit, I may also see about getting a bit of sponsorship going in 2022 for my poorer clients. That may be tricky because it means dealing with a lot of ethical issues, but it may be worth checking out.UPDATE: I figured out how to fix this: GIFT CARDS!

Anyway, that’s the thought for today. I’m off to edit my new book and tomorrow I have a think about my website.

If you know anyone looking for mental health support, send them my way? 

 

Note Image by Steve Buissinne from Pixabay

Avoid Self-Sabotage In Therapy By Boosting Your Self-Esteem

Since starting my practice in 2016, I’ve talked to over 250 clients over some 4000 hours. And one subject that keeps coming up is how good self-esteem is connected to success in therapy sessions.

So how does that work?

People go to therapy sessions for various reasons. If you’re caring for someone who’s sick or starting your own company, a therapy session is the perfect safe space to have an open chat about your thoughts and emotions.

Or perhaps you have identified an issue and want to make changes.  Like you want to manage your anxiety better. Or you’re bulimic and want to stop binging and purging. Or you want to stop falling into toxic relationships.

All of these are perfectly common issues but here’s where it gets tricky: if you want to figure out what’s going on, you have to look into yourself and figure out how you think and behave.

And this is where self-esteem comes in.

Self-esteem is what we think, feel, and believe about ourselves. If you have good self-esteem, you know you’re human, which means you’re nicely flawed, just like everyone else, good bits and less good bits, all mixed up.

With good self-esteem, you dig inside yourself and say, “this bit of me I like and keep”, “this bit of me I don’t like so much, but I’ll keep it and call it a feature” and “that bit of me I’m not keen on so I’m going to change it.”

And the thing is, with good self-esteem, you can be as loving about the bits of you that you don’t like very much as you can about the rest of you.

If you have low self-esteem, you don’t believe in yourself, and you have that nagging feeling that you’re unworthy, a failure, or not quite right. And that leads to self-sabotage.

Self-sabotage refers to behaviour or thinking that stops you from doing what you want to do.

Like, if you’re caring for someone who’s sick and you know you’re burning out and feeling angry, hopeless and helpless, talking it through will help. But self-sabotage will whisper, “You should be an angel of mercy! What if they think you’re selfish or wicked?” And then those fears stop you from reaching out.

Of if you’re bulimic, self-sabotage will have you thinking, “If I can’t change immediately and without backsliding in three sessions, it proves I’m beyond hope.” And as changing habits and mindsets isn’t a 1-2-3, you’re essentially setting yourself up for failure.

What is particularly nasty about low self-esteem and self-sabotage is that after they’ve made sure you fail, they combine to whisper, “told you so; you suck” and then you’re afraid to try again.

So, how can you help yourself? 

First, know three truths:

#1 You’re human, imperfect and that’s okay

#2 Be as kind to yourself as you are to others

#3 When your inner critic starts up, recognise it as stress talking and distract yourself. Make tea, pet the cat, walk the dog, clean a drawer, sing a song, whatever

And for a nice self-esteem boost, try this positive qualities exercise:

#1 Pick four of your positive qualities (here are some ideas)

Adventurous    Ambitious   Appreciative   Artistic   Brave  Calm  Charming  Clean  Clever  Considerate  Courageous  Curious  Decisive  Easygoing  Empathetic  Enthusiastic  Ethical  Fashionable  Forgiving  Frank  Friendly  Grateful  Helpful Honest  Humble  Humorous  Imaginative  Independent  Individualistic  Interesting  Kind  Leader  Logical  Loyal  Mature  Neat  Open-minded  Optimistic  Patient  Reasonable  Resilient  Responsible  Romantic  Self-confident  Self-disciplined  Thoughtful

#2 Two or three times a week, look back over the last 48 hours and see where you displayed your four positive qualities.

So if you picked humorous, you might say, “Yesterday I cheered up my friend by telling her my rabbit joke.” Talk to yourself, or journal, it doesn’t matter how you do it – as long as you do it.

It may feel a bit weird, especially if you’re used to being mean to yourself, but keep at it. This exercise will focus your mind on your good points in a regular, constructive manner and that will give you a bit of a boost.

Remember: the more accepting you are of yourself, the easier it will be to make the changes you want.

I hope you found this interesting.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

What's up, Doc? Telling The Pros From The Quacks

 

Doctor, patient, diagnose – they’re powerful words that imply Science, Medicine and a certain reliability and objectivity.  But if you’re not standing in your doctor’s office, I strongly suggest you’re a bit careful.

There’s a chiropractor just down the road from me who wears a lab coat, calls herself “Doctor” and calls her clients “patients.” She also “diagnoses” her clients with various ailments.

I came across her because she terrified one of my friends with her “medical advice.”

So here are some facts:

Anyone with a PhD is a doctor. You can get a PhD in lots of subjects from Astronomy to Zoology.

Medical Degree holders are called Doctor – although they don’t usually have PhDs.

Vets are called Doctor although they don’t have Medical Degrees and usually not PhDs either.

There are lots of professions with their own courses that confer Doctor titles. This includes chiropractors, people who use massage techniques and exercise for healing.

Does it matter?

Chiropractors can be very helpful and healing, and a PhD in zoology might have some insight into human health too. I have consulted my vet for my own health and had some excellent advice (‘cause I’m a cow 😊)

However, they are not medical doctors.

Transparent and honest professional people will tell you, “I’m Dr Jane, I have a PhD in physiotherapy but I’m not a medical doctor.”  Or they just say, “I’m Jane, I have a PhD in physiotherapy.” They also avoid words like “diagnose” and “patient”.

Should we restrict who can call themselves Doctor?

Frankly, I don’t care what people call themselves, as long as they are transparent about their qualifications.

I run a mile from a chiropractor with a white coat who calls herself “doctor”, just as I run a mile from a clinical psychologist who calls her clients “patients.” I avoid them because anyone who uses souped up words like these is pretending to have training that they don’t have.

I find that misrepresentation extremely concerning. I don't trust people like that.

As there are lots of different doctors about, and social media doesn’t check credentials, I’m extremely careful of what I believe online. I ask a lot of questions and it’s surprising how many shady types are out there without a medical degree are giving “medical advice”.  

Here’s what to know about mental health professionals.

A psychiatrist is a doctor, a person with a medical degree and also a specialist. They specialise in diagnosing and treating mental illness. As they are doctors, they can prescribe medicine.

Every other kind of mental health professional, whether they are psychologists, therapists, counsellors, psychoanalysts, psychotherapists, or other titles, are not medical doctors. They cannot prescribe medicine or sell you supplements. (And if they tell you that supplements are part of therapy, they’re scamming you.

As for my titles, I have a Master’s Degree, so you can call me Mistress 😊 Kidding! I’m not a doctor of any kind.

I have a Bachelors of Science with Honours in Psychology from Stirling University, Scotland and a Masters with Distinction in Counselling from Open University Malaysia. I’m also a member of some fancy schmancy organisations like the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy but I don’t put that anywhere except for my invoices because I don’t want people to be thinking MBACP means I’m a doc. Also, I make it very clear that I cannot diagnose, and I have plain clients who call me Ellen.

I hope you find this interesting. Tell me what you think in the comments?

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

Insider Therapist Tips: My Three Dos and One Don’t For Coping With Stress

 

I work with people who are anxious and depressed. Many are victims of violence. Some are suicidal. Here are three things I do and one thing I avoid to keep myself balanced.

1. Confide in my cats, Target, Tic Tac and Inkie. Talking things through with the furry ones is pawsome because they don't gossip. 

 

In addition, stroking their soft fur makes me happy and their purrs are an extra boost.

Tic Tac, the therapist is in!

2. Cook. Actually, I want to write more but when work is really tough, I don't have the mental stamina to work on my fiction. Instead, I am creative in the kitchen. 

 

I chop rainbows of veg and trying out lots of different dried herbs (simple and cheap!) so I get pretty and flavourful as well as lots of vitamins. 

 

Plus, the chopping helps me get out some of the stress. It's amazing how restful it can be to dice an onion while muttering about idiotic politicians

3. Analysing all of my "shoulds" and dropping the ones that make no sense. 

 

Many of the things we do are not really necessary; we do them out of habit. 

 

Like, I was checking my neighbour's place every day because I used to look after her cat. Now the cat gas been relocated, it's a crazy waste of time. 

 

I now go after it rains only. Saves me 10 minutes a day which doesn't seem much but it's 5 hours every single month - I'm investing that half a day in hanging out and having fun :-)

The one thing I absolutely avoid is mindfulness. Some people like that technique and find it useful, but others find mindfulness sends them into a dark spiral. I'm not spiritual and I spend enough time with my thoughts during the day, so I practice distraction to manage my stress.

If you have stress-busting habits you enjoy, feel free to comment.<- takes you to my FB post

Coping With Difficult Emotions: Anger, Grief and Hopelessness

 Notes:

Why do we have emotions?
Suggestion: emotions are notifications, they tell us about our inner world and our environment

What are emotions telling us?
Suggestion:  scared is a notification of danger, anger is a notification of injustice/disrespect

BUT Emotions are not always reliable/accurate
If you're hungry, you might become angry = hangry so your body influences emotions
Also, how much you like someone can influences emotions

So while emotions are not always reliable, what should you do with anger, grief and hopelessness?
Can you be human without experiencing all emotions?

Suggestion: feel your emotions, figure out what they are telling you. But remember that you choose how you act. Your behaviour is under your control.

When you feel anger, grief, hopelessness, think and then actively de-stress. Pet the cat, go for a walk, water the plants

Why EMDR And Other Pseudoscience Hangs Around

When Prince Harry Talked About EMDR, My Heart Sank

People talking about mental health is usually great for getting folks off the couch and into help. But when they promote quackery, they do harm.

“But EMDR’s backed by the NHS,” you might say. Yes—and the lobotomy was once hailed as brilliant, earning its inventor a Nobel Prize. (Extreme? Sure, but it gets your attention.)

I’m not trashing the profession. I’m explaining the issues so you can make informed choices. We humans get ridiculously attached to ideas—EMDR included—and knowing why can save you time, money, and heartbreak.

Psychology Evolves

Critical evaluation is key

Theories rise and fall. Take Alfred Adler’s claim that birth order shapes personality. It was popular for years until evidence disproved it. Yet the idea lingers—oddly comforting, like blaming sibling rivalry for everything.

Why do ideas like EMDR (“reprocess your trauma with some eye jazz”) stick around even when evidence says it’s basically fancy exposure and cognitive behavioural therapy used by therapists for decades?

1. Understanding Research Takes Training

Evaluating studies requires knowing how sampling, statistics, and context affect results. Academics specialise, and even they struggle to keep up. I focus on depression, anxiety, and abuse. Hand me a paper on autism, and I’m lost—it’s like a marathon runner trying to sail.

EMDR got traction because its creator promoted it well. “Quick results!” sounds irresistible, even when the shine fades.

2. New Ideas Take Years to Test

Once people invest in them, it’s hard to let go. EMDR’s been around since 1987—people built careers on it. Sunk cost, darling.

3. The Public Gets Attached Too

Someone always benefits from any new therapy. Add a celeb endorsement (thanks, Harry), and it feels personal: “I felt lighter after!” We cling to the win, ignoring who it doesn’t help.

So when professionals point out flaws, people get defensive. Explaining why something’s bogus is hard, and “because I said so” doesn’t cut it.

4. Crooks and Cons Market Nonsense Brilliantly

They promise quick fixes with scientific-sounding fluff, set up “schools,” and crown themselves gurus. Faced with, “We’re learning, but I’ll do my best,” versus “Guaranteed cure, pay here,” it’s tempting to buy the snake oil.

We crave certainty. EMDR offers that illusion—“Follow my finger, rewire your brain!”—and it sells.

5. Speaking Out Gets Ugly

Professionals who challenge quackery face backlash from loud defenders. Whistle-blowers burn out, while institutions cave under pressure. Even hospitals run “alternative therapy” departments now. Hello, NHS—you coward. And you too, APA and BACP. 

EMDR’s mob is real; critics get buried under “you’re just jealous” noise. 

6. Some Professionals Join the Dark Side

Selling pseudoscience is easier and pays better. I know psychologists and doctors who ditched real practice to peddle nonsense. Sometimes I think I should hike my fees and sell NLP, EMDR, and dream readings—but I couldn’t face the mirror.

The Bottom Line

Telling what’s real takes work. Truth evolves, controversy thrives, and our attachment to hope keeps nonsense alive.

If you want to try EMDR, that’s your call. It won’t hurt you physically, just your wallet. But it may keep you chasing shadows when plain exposure therapy and CBT does the same job without the sparkle.

If you’d rather work with evidence-based approaches that actually stick, let’s chat. I’m a qualified psychotherapist (BSc Hons Psychology, Master’s in Counselling with Distinction). I handle the research so you can focus on healing. No scams, no sparkle—just real progress.

Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.

Want New Insight? Use This Easy Perspective Exercise

We tend to be awesome at advising friends, but when it comes to giving ourselves good advice, it can be a different story. This is because we tend not to see our own situation clearly.

We find it hard to advise ourselves for many reasons, including:
"    Our self-image, "I should be XYZ" gets in the way
"    Our inner fears sabotage us
"    We can't analyse other people's behaviour clearly because we our feelings about them get in the way

A perspective exercise helps you step away and gain a fresh perspective. This is how it works.

Suppose Rachel has a problem that goes like this. "I am in a relationship with John, and we've been dating for three months. We're exclusive and we're getting along really well. He's hot and sweet and sexy and I think he is The Real Thing. 

So, he disappears from time to time. I thought he was at the library, studying, but then I walked past Starbucks and there he was WITH HIS EX!!! My heart just died. I had no idea he was still seeing her."

Step 1: Tell your story, but tell it as if it's happening to other people.

Pro tip #1: it helps to switch genders around so you get rid of gender stereotyping issues
Pro tip #2: make up names of people you don't know, so you see them as strangers

"Fred is in a relationship with Julie. They have been dating for three months. They're exclusive. One day Fred thinks Julie is at the library but when he walks past Starbucks, he sees Julie having coffee with her ex. This surprises him as he didn't realise Julie was still in touch with him."

Step 2: examine the story and identify the underlying issue. "Fred is surprised because Julie is talking to her ex. It may be because he feels his partner hid information. And he may also be jealous or insecure."

Step 3: give good advice to the people in the story.
Pro tip #3: It helps to do this in bullet points

"    You fear she is hiding information from you but you are jumping to conclusions: she may have just bumped into him
"    Why do you feel unsettled by her seeing her ex for a coffee? What exactly are you worried about?
"    Also, how do you feel about exes in general? Note: people have the right to friendships, and that includes friendships with exes.
"    Fred should talk openly to Julie about the issue.  Then they need to work out how to communicate better

Step 4: now examine your issue again and see if the advice you gave applies to yourself.

Of course, this looks much easier than it is. It can be quite hard to tell your story as if it's happening to other people - and you have to be super good about not framing the story so that you give yourself the advice you secretly want to follow ??

But on the whole, I find this a super useful exercise and it gets easier as you practice. So have a go and let me know what you think

Image by Daniel Reche from Pixabay

"Help! My Friend Was Abused." What To Say, A Multicultural Perspective

When your friend or colleague tells you they were abused, are you stuck for words? Here are some ideas for how to communicate as an ally.

Before you start, understand that violence and abuse are common.

Statistics from the World Health Organisation:
7% of men were sexually abused before age 18
20% of women were sexually abused before age 18
25% of adults have a history of being physically abused as kids
50% of kids today have suffered from violence in the last year

Consequences of violence:
It's not just physical harm. Victims suffer from low self-esteem, anxiety, depression and other mental health issues as well as physical damage.

Why violence continues:
Violence is passed down through families. A kid that is abused is more likely to learn this behaviour and then abuse their own kids.

There is no easy quick fix. To stop violence, we must all work together.

#1 Thing to do: listen with compassion
Those statistics show that this is a common problem but there is a massive conspiracy of silence. It takes huge courage for victims to speak out. So when they do, listen with love.

#2 Don't suggest forgiveness
Why is there a conspiracy of silence? Because victims who speak up are told, "They didn't mean it" and "Those were different times" and "You should forgive."

Anyone who says "You should forgive" and makes excuses is really saying, "I'm totally okay with people abusing you." <- don't do this.

#3 Don't ask for details
Making people relive trauma is cruel.

Also, it can come across as judgmental, as if you get to decide what is abuse and what isn't. Unless you happen to be the sitting judge in a court case, you don't get to decide.

#4 Do say, "I'm sorry this happened to you."
Victims are used to being blamed, dismissed and hurt, so let them hear your support.

#5 Don't ask why they didn't leave or fight back
Because it sounds like, "You were asking for it."

#6 Ask, "What can I do to support you?"
And accept that sometimes the answer is, "Just listen."

#7 Inch forward and accept there are no solid rules.
There's a lot of narrative that says "Call rape, rape" and "Call out the perpetrators." With respect, that's great stuff for privileged people.

For some people, that direct vocabulary can be triggering. And the mere idea of calling out a violent person can have victims panicking. This is especially true in societies where victims of abuse are murdered or jailed.

Just be gentle, listen and let them talk.

#8 Say, "You didn't do anything wrong" and "You are the victim in this."
Because guilt comes from punishment. We tend to think that guilt follows wrongdoing but that is very much not true. 

Guilt comes from pain, from hurt, from danger. So victims need to hear that they are not to blame. That they're good people, and victims.

#9 If the victim is up for it, and it is safe to do so in your society, offer to help source them help.
Telling the story is exhausting. So if your friend or colleague is tired, you can offer to sort through available support groups (NGOs, government departments etc) and get help.

Note: not all support systems are good. Some exist to blame victims. So as the friend, be certain to weed out the black hats. Check around, ask questions, search social media to see what these groups post and how people talk about them.  

I hope this helps 💙 

Photo credit: Alexas