This feels odd to write about, although it's not exactly a secret. I am sharing some personal history and thoughts that might be useful if you struggle with family relationships.
I am an **oops baby**. In the 60s, premarital sex was considered a sin, and people who were caught in a pregnancy "did the right thing." My parents married because they got pregnant with me. They said they loved me, but they made it clear, loudly and often, that they would not have tied the knot if they had a choice.
In childhood, I felt guilty. I also felt responsible.
My parents didn't do this on purpose. They thought treating kids like adults was empowering. Back then people didn't know a lot about mental health. Also, there was no internet. My parents worked hard. We had excellent schools, birthday parties, and books galore. Everything we needed and more.
But they were not a good match. They had different needs, values, cultures, and languages. Over time, they became angry and deeply resentful. They drank too much.
The Cycle of Abuse
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| Emotional Abuse Hurts |
My dad would shrug and act the martyr. The next day, they'd pretend nothing had happened.
I tried to talk about it. It did no good. My mum used rage, cold silence, and denial. My dad would moan and complain he was only there for the good of the family.
When I was younger this went on behind closed doors. By my late teens, some of these explosions went on in public too but few people realised what was going on.
I built my own life and moved away. Back then, people didn't talk about low contact, but that's exactly what it was.
The Last Straw
In the late 90s, my parents' marriage imploded. My father went off with a mistress; whole other story I won't get into. My mother and I started talking. It was tricky; she would blow up often, but we got to know each other better. By the time my father died, my mum and I were phoning several times a week. I visited regularly, trekking from Malaysia to Spain.
But the last year or so has been difficult. The rage came back. And the silent treatment.
When I visited last summer, I walked on eggshells again. I worried about her health, especially dementia, but her memory is fine, and she knows what she's doing. She has regular excellent medical care. This time, it's not booze.
In January, she instigated a fight, not with me, but with someone else. When she told me about it, she suddenly screamed at me. It was over the phone but it took me straight back to the awful years where she'd rip me to shreds and I had no choice but to take it. This time I told her I would no longer accept this. She cut me off.
Four months of silent treatment, but on her birthday, she picked up the phone and acted as if nothing had happened. I didn't want to call again. But family, you know?
When I rang a week later, I got a tirade of abuse. "Getting pregnant with me ruined her life. I am not her daughter. She always hated me." She told me I was to stay out of her life forever. All the things I'd heard for years, but this time she was sober.
This time I just said, "OK." We haven't spoken since.
So, where's the message?
I'm fine. Actually, better than fine. I have good friends, I'm married to my best friend, and I have a thriving business. I am very happy with my life.
Not being in contact is a huge relief. I no longer walk on eggshells. I'm free.
I wish I'd done this decades ago. I wish I'd had a proper therapist who'd helped me figure out I needed to leave, rather than be told I should work on the relationship.
I do worry I may be pulled in again later, but I'm taking these years of silence as a blessing. If you're from a difficult family, you can be happy too. Here are some thoughts:
Families Are Messy
Many people are stuck in relationships they don't want, with kids they didn't want either. It sours them. They take out their anger on everyone around them. Kids take it when they're small, they have no choice, but they leave when they're adult.
Being disliked or resented by your parents and deciding you want some distance is common. The stats confirm it: in the UK, 1 out of 5 families are affected by estrangement. In the USA, it's 1 family in 4.
You Can Build a Happy Life for Yourself
Learn a skill, earn money, and then you have **freedom of choice**. If you can, move out. You need not go far. Just have your own life with people who love you.
There Is No Formula
Life is rarely black and white, and there are seldom easy choices. There are no rules and no simple fixes. Most of us with difficult families go through times when we connect and times when we don't. And that's okay.
You Will Have Regrets
Kids yearn for their parents to love them. When that love is not there, or conditional, or coloured by resentment, most of us bend over backwards, hoping to fix our relationships. Some of the things we do work. Some of them hurt or cost us, but we're willing to pay the price.
I don't regret trying to connect, but I do regret those annual visits. I wish I'd spent my holiday time with people who love me: my husband, my brother, and my friends.
Love Burns Out
Once you've been through a few abuse cycles, emotions change. The sadness, anger, and other feelings are overwhelming when you're young. But as you mature, they fade. Eventually, you stop caring. It's a form of self-protection. Why embrace people who hurt you repeatedly? If you're worried about this, please know it's a common reaction.
People Will Judge
Those from happy families won't get it. They have no idea what it's like to grow up with toxic parents. There will also be people who know they are a problem in their own families and who seek to normalize abuse.
I suggest this: other people aren't living your life. You are! Think and do what suits you best.
I should also mention silence, but that's for the next post. This one is long enough!
Get Help
Back in the 80s and 90s, abuse and estrangement were taboo. It still is in many places. My advice is to think about what you want, and plan for an exit. It is easier with professional support. My personal experience means I can empathise; I know how bad it can feel. But thanks to my training, I offer sensible, highly private online therapy to help you gain control over your life. Available internationally.
Email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 me today to book your confidential consultation.
