Thursday, May 4, 2023

Have Depression And Think You Shouldn't Be In A Relationship? Being Ethical About Depression Management Is Key.

"I can't have a relationship because I have regular periods of depression. It's not fair to others."

I hear this sentiment often. I don't agree with it, and here's why.

Depression Fuels Negative Thinking

Depression is a mental health issue because it affects perception. Typically, depression removes the joy from life and focuses on the negative.

So while the sentiment appears to come from care, I think the idea that you have to go through life alone and without the joys of partnership is really depression talking.

Depression is sneaky. It whispers that you're no good, can't be good, won't be good, don't deserve happiness.

It's nasty, and it's insidious. Don't listen to it.

Bet you're thinking that living with depression is still a challenge. You'd be right. So here's an idea for you:

Being ethical about depression management is key.

Practical Depression Management

Planning for when your dips hit helps reduce the burden on you and your loved ones.

Note: do this while you are in good place. If you’re dipping, the priority is safety and immediate support.

This requires prep.

Know your patterns
Know your triggers
Know what self-care routine you need to maintain your best health
Map out your support network
Have a detailed plan for managing your dips
Set up rules of thumb that help you identify an emergency
Have an emergency plan

This is where therapy can really help. Many people I work with find that building these plans in sessions helps them feel more in control, which makes it easier to connect with their partner.

With the plan in place, you need to add two things:

Be responsible for your behaviour. Depression is a mental health issue but as adults we are responsible for our actions.

For example, if you're angry when you're dipping, learn new behaviour. If you know you need space, and you volunteer, give advance notice that you won't be able to attend.

Communicate with your partner. Loving partners often hope to manage our troubles for us, which is problematic. Your partner is not your therapist, doctor, or parent. So if they try and act that role, it’s not just impractical, but it’s also not good for your relationship.

However, they love you, live with you, so discuss care as well as give and take.

For example, you may agree that if you say, “I’m dipping and need space tonight” a loving partner will know to accept this and to check in gently the next day.

Or maybe they cook your favourite meal. Or take time out to go for a walk with you.

Also, if you have a history of suicidal thoughts or attempts, discuss how to handle this.

Note: this can be frightening for everyone involved. Take it slowly and be kind to yourselves.

Talk and Keep Talking

You deserve love and companionship

Know what you need, and discuss your thoughts and needs with your partner regularly. Do this while you're in a good space for maximum effect.

After every dip, book a session with your therapist. Have a postmortem and update your thoughts on what's going on, and see if you need to make any changes.

Summary