"Why Is Therapy So Expensive? And Do Your Bargain Rates Mean You Suck?" "Why Is Therapy So Expensive? And Do Your Bargain Rates Mean You Suck?" Breaking down therapy costs and how to figure out whether you are getting quality service for your money.

Therapy is wildly unregulated in most places. There are people who work for free or very low fees and others who charge a fortune.

We’re all careful with money, right? So you would be sensible to ask, why pay for therapy at all?

#1 Expertise Takes Training = Expensive. I’m a level 7 registered counsellor and psychotherapist, which is about the highest you can go; only a PhD is higher at a level 8.

My training consists of a Bachelor's degree, and a Master's degree. Aside from the classes, the Master’s degree included over 1,000 hours of unpaid internships, including 300 hours of therapy work supervised by other level 7s.

The training takes 6 to 7 years, and it costs a fortune. Part of the fees you pay goes to recoup my investment in my training. I also need to eat!

The upside for you is this: quality. 

Many charities and services offer mental health services but don't actually have anyone who is properly trained. As most countries allow anyone to practice, terms like 'our trained therapists' may mean someone who's read a book or taken a weekend course.  

Of course, some of these people can be very helpful some of the time! But there's also a dangerous downside. As they aren't trained, they will have trouble identifying issues and identifying evidence based best practice approaches.

Think of it in terms of plumbing. If you want to change a tap, you might be okay with a mate who has a spanner and who can read an instruction pamphlet. But would you let them install a new bathroom? Probably not.

I’m a quality plumber. The kind you trust to put in the bathroom complete with jacuzzi bath and fancy sink.  

#2 There’s Prep. You talk for an hour and stop. I put the notes together, invoice, and before we talk next time, I read the notes and prep. It takes time.

There’s other admin that comes with running a business, like doing my taxes, keeping my professional paperwork going and more, so your fees also contribute to paying for those overheads.

My professional memberships alone cost me £350 year, so the first 100 hours I work I don’t see a penny. I could drop them, but then it makes connecting with new clients harder.

#3 Training Never Stops. Every job involves constant learning but psychology is particularly intensive.

I do constant journal sweeps as well as reading new publications, attending lectures, and taking short courses. It costs money to stay current.

OK, So Why Are You Cheaper Than Your Peers?

Level 7s typically charge £70 to £100 for 50 minutes so I could charge a lot more and work fewer hours. Sadly, I have this pesky vision that mental health services should be reasonably affordable.

Therefore, I work on McDonald’s economic principles: lower margins but more people.  It means I work a bit more but I like my work so that’s okay.

I keep costs down by working online from home. I don’t have extra rent, a personal assistant, and I do my own marketing too.

When I’m older though, I plan to put up my prices and work a lot less. So hire me while I’m affordable 😊

Safe Dating: What to Know About Men Who Drug and Rape on Dates

Here’s a curious thing: it’s likely that your first IRL date is probably safe; it is your second date that’s potentially dangerous.

In the old days (pre-1990s!) dating was mostly conducted through friends or friends-of-friends. You might not know the person, but someone close to you would know their parents, whether they were single, where they worked, and so on.

Today we tend to work further from home and dating apps have us meet strangers.

Stranger-danger is a thing but when we are robbed, assaulted, or raped, it is more likely to be a relative or friend rather than a masked villain jumping out of a dark alley.

Many people who date online are normal, decent people. Flawed in human ways but inherently safe.  

A small percentage are extremely dangerous. If you’re online looking for love, this is one nasty way some predators work. Because forewarned is forearmed.

How Drug-Then-Rape Dates Work 

Predators hide their real selves

They’re warm and constantly sending photos of themselves and asking you about your day and your heart.  

When you meet, they’re sweet and you have a nice coffee or drink. Most likely, you’re happy when the date ends.

You text, you meet the second time – and then the coffee is spiked or maybe it was in your cocktail.

When you waken up, you don’t remember exactly what happened. Maybe you’re in a hotel. Maybe you’re at his place. Very often, he’s still around and he’s acting normally.

Many targets are completely confused at this point. They can’t believe they’re with a predator, so they try and ‘make sense’ of matters. They wonder if they were drunk. They wonder if they asked for sex.

They can’t believe the truth: that this is a regular occurrence because that ‘nice guy’ drugs his targets and then assaults them.

Note: most reports come from women attacked by men but men are also attacked – for sex and sometimes just for money.

If you report it, the rapist points at the texts you’ve exchanged. You’re good friends, you had a great time on that other date – and then he claims he’s the victim of a hysterical woman who was perfectly happy with a one night stand at the time but blah blah blah….  

How To Protect Yourself

First, awareness counts. Don’t accept drinks or food unless it comes straight from the bar or kitchen to you.  Don’t take your eyes off it.  If you’re uncertain, leave it.

Second, when you date strangers, always have someone collect you or check on you after the date. And tell your date up front at the start of the date that your brother/cousin/mum/father is collecting you or meeting you. Do this for the first six dates.

Finally, if anything feels off, leave.

Remember: tigers have stripes for a reason; it helps them blend in. Predators are tigers too, and they are very good at looking perfectly harmless. So be careful and don’t believe what people say about themselves; watch their behaviour to know who they are.

Image courtesy of HANSUAN FABREGAS from Pixabay

Looking For Therapy But Don’t Want To Tank Your IPO or High-Octane Career? Here’s What You Need To Know

When you’re dealing with a lot of stress, having a therapist on hand can be a valuable tool. Mental health practitioners are invested in privacy, however, clients are often unclear how our ethics codes work. Here are a few tips so you can make informed decisions.

Active Danger Negates Privacy

A vague, “sometimes I feel I want to vanish” is fine. Being very depressed is also fine. But if you share that you’re planning suicide, your therapist has a duty to save you. Similarly, if you share you plan to hurt someone else, your therapist will sound the alert.

To figure out where the boundaries are, read the agreement. It should state the exceptions clearly and state what action will be taken.

Organisations Will Share Your Information  

Therapists working in a hospital, medical practice or NGO will store client notes in a place where others can access them. This can be useful if you see different people, but you won’t know for sure who gets your information or what they do with it.

In a small organisation, your therapist can tell you who sees what. They typically won’t know in a large organisation because they don’t make those decisions.

The giant online platform BetterHelp was fined $7.8 million recently for selling private client information with major advertising platforms, including Facebook, Snapchat, Criteo, and Pinterest.

Know the difference between Registered and Accredited

A registered therapist belongs to an organisation. An accredited therapist shares your information with colleagues. They then talk about your sessions.

In theory, your therapist should anonymize your information. In practice this can be difficult, especially in smaller communities. Also, they may hand over their notes physically or send them via email.

Note: if your sole therapist is accredited, she may send your notes to a colleague at a hospital or university, and then nobody knows where those notes may end up.

Why does this happen? Mental health business practice has a lot of pyramid scheme or MLM mentality to it. (I know, I’m a cynic. But hang in there and you’ll see why.)

Someone figured out years ago that if you add in a fancy sounding title, unknowing customers will think you’re extra special.  

With ‘accreditation’ therapists pay each other to look over each other’s notes and sessions. The theory is that it promotes extra high standards. It may do, but it also means privacy risk for clients.

The UK’s biggest provider of workplace mental health services, Health Assured, is now being investigated for allowing strangers to "eavesdrop" on confidential calls by listening in to the helpline without the knowledge or permission of callers, in the service of ‘accreditation.’

Also, the cost of chatting about sessions is passed down to the client. A double whammy that really makes me see red, because I believe services should be affordable.

How To Keep Safe

Ask questions. Ask, “Who sees my notes?” and “Where do you store your notes?” and “How often in the last year have you discussed a client session with a third party?”

A quality therapist will tell you all this up front, before you start sessions and share private information. She will also detail exceptions. And finally, it will all be in the agreement–in simple language, not legalese.

So, when you want mental health support, I hope this helps you feel confident and empowered when you reach out. 

Note: with thanks to Chris Sansbury from Pixabay for the image.

Frustrated With Therapists Who Only Reflect Your Feelings? Try Solution-Focused Brief Therapy

Client: She sabotaged me at work, and I know she did it deliberately.
Therapist: How do you feel about that?
Client: I wanted to kill her!  Clearly, I can’t. But still!
Therapist: I’m here for you.
Client: I don’t know what to do about this.
Therapist: How do you feel about that?
Client: ….!

Emotions matter because they give us insight into what may be going on in our lives or our heads. Anger, for example, is a reaction to injustice. So knowing what you’re feeling is useful.

Having a therapist who helps you figure out emotions is useful and being affirmed is not just lovely but gives you the courage to make positive change.

However, if you’re trying to work out new and better ways to manage regular issues, it can be very frustrating to work with a therapist who sticks purely to feelings and affirmation.

The Key to Success: Recognising Approaches

If you want to help someone manage their mental health, you need a proper approach. That means a theory of what constitutes good mental health, what leads to issues, and how you can help the client achieve better mental health.  

There are over 50 different approaches!

The one above is based on client-centered therapy, a system developed by Carl Rogers in the 1950s.

Rogers believed that therapy clients were looking for personal growth, so he focused on creating a supportive and nonjudgmental environment by reflecting the client's feelings, showing empathy, and fostering unconditional positive regard.

It’s great stuff but it is not really suitable if you’re looking for advice or solutions.

Inkie, the junior cat, because every post needs a cat photo

One of the pitfalls of giving advice is that what works for me may not work for you. Luckily for us, though, there is a therapy approach that focuses on creating solutions safely.

Unsurprisingly, it’s called Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT).  This approach was created in the 1980s, a time when efficiency was highly prized, by Steve de Shazer and Insoo Kim Berg.

Solution-focused therapy assumes you have good mental health, are skilled and are just looking for solutions for everyday issues.

Basically, we look at the problem, identify your strengths and resources and work out ways in which you can effect positive change.

Sometimes we use the miracle question, where you imagine how your life will be if the problem is resolved overnight by magic.

With complex issues, the miracle question helps focus on what the goal may look like, how we will know if we’re hitting the right spot, and it also fosters a positive mindset. <- important for motivation and courage!

For complex problems, we break the problem down into steps, each one of which helps you build up progress and motivation.

As I also have 35+ years business experience and am an avid reader, I can also throw in suggestions from personal experience, scientific research, famous case studies, and media articles. It’s all grist to the mill.

While Rogers is the theory must pushed by the BACP and many schools, Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) approach is quietly popular as it’s very practical and empowering. Frankly, it’s one of my favourites.

So, if you want some help making changes, and you value your privacy, talk to me, and tell me you’re looking for Solution-Focused sessions. Thanks for reading!

The Hidden Crisis: The Secret Struggles of Male Sexual Assault Survivors

Men and boys think about sex all the time.

Men and boys don’t care who you are, as long as they can have sex with you.

Men and boys are hunters; they need to mate.

We see and hear this nonsense so often, that it sometimes doesn’t sink in that these nasty stereotypes actively dehumanize and disenfranchise boys and men.

Think about it. By denying men and boys their humanity, it reduces them to bags of hormones looking for satisfaction.

Men Can Be Victims Too

End result? This nonsense creates a world where men and boys cannot be sexually assaulted or raped.

Example #1: Ginny buys Ricky a gin and tonic. She kisses him. Two minutes later, they’re in bed.

Think: you okay with this? It’s borderline, isn’t it? One G&T is okay but we need to know how many Ricky has had so we can figure out if he can still consent.

Supposing Ricky is 15 and Ginny is 30. To me, that is rape because a 15-year-old cannot consent. Ginny is a predator.

Surprisingly, some people will say something like, “Ooooh, he got lucky!” Because all men and boys want sex all the time.  

We are getting better in some places at protecting women from predators. However, the lesson that predators get away with sexual crimes because of power imbalance still hasn’t gotten through when the victims are male.

The truth is that boys and men are sexually assaulted and/or raped in a variety of common situations:
•    In boarding schools
•    In all-male religious rites (churches, mosques, temples, etc)
•    As part of gang initiation  
•    When a victim of another crime such as mugging or robbery
•    In prison
•    In the military (as punishment and/or initiation)
•    In war

The World Health Organization estimates 1 in 3 (30%) of women suffer rape & sexual assault at some point in their lives. Other large studies suggest that 1 in 6 (15%) of men suffer rape & sexual assault at some point in their lives.

Women know that reporting violence typically means more violence. It’s still typically safer for us to shut up than speak up.  However, in the last 40 years we have started to push back a little. In some places we can report. Sometimes, although it’s super rare, we may even get some justice.

Men are still stuck in the 1970s.

Fact: in England and Wales, men were not recognized legally as victims of rape until 1994.

So what do we need to do? Speak up. Shine a light on what goes on. Once we kill the taboo, we have a shot at making effective change.

Talking is scary but I think that the official stats are under-reporting. I believe stats for sexual assault and rape are more like 9/10 for women and 8/10 for men.

Almost every man I know has had an unwanted persistent frightening grope at some point. The difference is that men tend to be attacked when they’re under 21 and women tend to be attacked when under 45.

So talking will help. And if you have been targeted and you want to talk about it in a safe space, consider hiring me as your extremely private therapist. I’m sensible and affordable 😊

Pic courtesy of WOKANDAPIX

Should You See Family You Can’t Stand? This Controversial Take Will Make You Rethink Everything!

One of the hardest things to come to terms with is that not all parents love their kids.

We know this is true because of hard facts. Here is one:

In 2016, there were 10.1 million child trafficking victims. They made up 25% of modern slavery victims. Source Studies show that 41% of all trafficked children are sold into sexual exploitation (54%) and forced labour (31%) by family members. That means that mums and/or dads, backed up by grandparents, aunts, uncles etc, decided that selling the kids is a great idea. Source

This is just one fact that proves family love is not universal.

We have trouble understanding that not all parents love their kids, because society tries to brainwash us.

We are told constantly, “you can trust your family,” and “all parents love their kids unconditionally.”

Life isn’t Disney.
Not all humans were meant to be parents.

There is no such thing as the mother instinct. Some mums bond with their kids, others don’t.
There is no such thing as the father instinct. Some dads bond with their kids, others don’t.

As a child, we think that if our parents don’t love us, that there must be something wrong with us.
This is not sensible thinking.

Sensible thinking says:
When your parents don’t like you–it’s a them problem.

Some humans just don’t love anyone very much. Others take against people for no good reason.

A decent human being recognizes a kid needs love and if they don’t have the feels, they treat the kid well and fake it. The kid may feel the distance or may just think the parent is a bit formal.

An unethical human being takes their anger, frustration, or disinterest out on the kid. Also, many family elders think of children as resources to be exploited.

If your parent is like that, they may have nagged, bullied, or beaten you. Or they let you know they see you purely as a resource for free work and money.

If you don’t want to be near them, that’s okay. In fact, it’s perfectly sensible. We should not want to be close to people who treat us badly.

Unfortunately, society says, “oh, you’ll regret not going to see family” because they’re invested in the Disney vision.

It is terrible advice.

Here’s what I know. I tried for years to build links with difficult parents. Looking back now I have a huge regret: I wish I had spent that time, effort, and money to be with the people I love and who love me back, my husband and my brother and my friends.

I missed out on happiness because I believed that sacrificing my free time was good for the family. It wasn’t. It just cost me.

I wish my friends (and the two therapists I consulted!) had asked me this question, “If you go on this parental visit that you dread, what are you missing out on? How will you feel about that in years to come?”

So if you are thinking of giving up your summer or your Christmas, Deepavali or Eid and dreading having to spend that time with people you don’t like, stop. Think it over.

Ask yourself, “Why am I spending my limited resources on activities that I don’t want?” and then ask, “When I’m 70 and I can’t travel anymore, will I regret not spending time with people I love doing things I love?”

It’s never easy, but by asking ourselves the hard questions, we have a better chance at living happy, authentic lives.

I hope you find this personal sharing interesting.

 

 

 

Terrified Of Failure, Feel Guilty When Relaxing, Or Paralysed When Confronted By Anger? Here's How To Heal From Abuse

I’ve been working with people healing from anxiety, depression, abuse, complex PTSD and stress full-time for 8 years now. Certain patterns come up repeatedly. 

Here are some thoughts about three common issues that come from a dysfunctional childhood.

#Issue 1: If you’re terrified of failure,

I would ask if you were punished for it when you were a child.
If you were, then you have a learned response; you were literally taught to fear failure
This is a problem for many reasons but one of the biggest is that it stops you learning and growing
All the good stuff in life takes a learning curve, which means you fall off a lot  
The way forward to better mental health is to unlearn this learned response
The method that works well is slow exposure and positive feedback
Which means you need to work at having little bits of failure and praising yourself madly for it

#Issue 2: If you feel guilty when you relax,

I would ask if you were taught that guilt when you were a child.
If you were, then you have a learned response; you were literally taught to avoid rest
This is a problem for many reasons but one of the biggest is that it messes up your health
To get to the good stuff in life, you have to be rested and pumped with energy
The way forward to better mental health is to unlearn this learned response
The method that works well is slow exposure and positive feedback
Which means you need to work at having mini rests and praising yourself madly for it
 

#Issue 3: If the thought of someone being angry paralyses you,

I would ask if you were attacked by angry adults when you were a child.
Maybe your parents caned you when they were angry
Maybe your parents screamed at you when they were angry
If you were, then you have a learned response; you were literally taught to associate anger with violence
The way forward to better mental health is to unlearn this learned response
The method that works well is slow exposure and affirming truths
Which means you need to work at being around people who deal ethically with anger and reminding yourself that nobody is allowed to attack you

It is not easy to recognize that present day issues come from your past, specifically because it can be taboo to criticize parents and elders. But if you want positive change, you need to deal with these issues. 

I’ll talk more about how in the next few days. In the meantime, if you are looking for a therapist, hire me  I’m practical, extremely private, affordable and I work exclusively online via voice and video.

Unpopular Opinion: Emotion-Deniers Know Very Well That There Is Injustice, Loss And More But They Don’t Want To Deal With It

Have you noticed the rise in people demonizing emotion?

It can be subtle, “Let’s be rational about this.”
It can be straightforward, “Oh, don’t be so emotional.”

It’s so normalized that many of us don’t really think about this. But if you are interested in mental health, this is a huge red flag.

Ask yourself this: suppose you have poured time and energy into a job, a project, a relationship, or cause, and it doesn’t work out. Should you shrug coldly and announce, “On to the next thing” and move on without a thought?

No! We are not robots (or Vulcans).  Passion is essential to our humanity.

Mr Spock at his console

We should feel anger when there is injustice. We should feel sadness at loss. And it’s perfectly natural to feel frustration when there are obstacles.

So why are there emotion deniers? Some people are afraid of emotion because they link it to behaviour.

But here’s the thing: we choose our behaviour. 

This is why we feel anger when there is injustice but we don’t set cars on fire or hurt others. 

We feel sadness and cry, and that’s okay, even if it resonates with the empathetic people who see it. 

As for frustration, we feel it and choose to express it in sensible terms.

Emotions are essential because they give us information.

Here’s an unpopular opinion: many of the people who tell us not to feel emotions know very well that there is injustice, loss and more but they don’t want to deal with it. 

Abusers are typically emotion-deniers. They weaponise 'logic' because they're messing us about.

Emotions are essential for giving us information about our thoughts and our environment. 

So feel what you feel. See why you feel it. It won’t always be 100% accurate but that’s okay. You have a brain, so you’ll figure it out.

Emotions rock!

Note: picture in the public domain courtesy of NBC Television

From Outrage to Empowerment: My Journey to Therapist in Pursuit of Justice

With the move, I’ve been considering my business. This process included going back to basics and examining my purpose.

I realized that I haven’t shared about this before, so here goes.

When Tom and I moved from Spain to Malaysia, we agreed that he would follow the fixed career path, academia, and I would have the portable job.

I always wanted to write, so I went for it.  Between 1995 to 2015, I wrote and sold 3000 features to newspapers and magazines in 12+ countries plus 10 books with traditional publishing houses and more as an Indie.

Then, in 2012, Malaysia Womens Weekly asked me to write up a feature on rape survivors.

What I learned then is still true today, in Malaysia, the UK, Australia, Spain – actually, everywhere.

For people attacked by rapists, the initial violation is just the beginning. The ‘justice’ process is designed to torture.

Emergency care in hospitals is systematically dehumanizing. Worse, many victims report some of the receptionists, nurses and doctors making nasty victim-blaming remarks.

The police often treat victims like offenders. Female victims have their phones seized and searched, and their dating history scrutinized. Male victims often don’t even get to make a report. They are openly told to get lost.

Because of this, many victims just stop there.

The few who do press on, have to tell their story over and over to police and lawyers. This is intensely traumatizing.

Almost all cases are dumped after a few months anyway, because the courts tell victims they can’t get justice unless there are witnesses. Right, because rapists work in front of an audience.

For the 1 or 2 percent of cases that do go to court, it takes at least 2 years to be heard.  

During those years, you’re scheduled to appear but it changes at the last minute. Or someone doesn’t turn up. Also, papers are lost, staff change, and so you have to gear up and stand down over and over, and retell your story. It’s hugely stressful.

And guess what? You can’t see a counsellor! If a victim tries to heal, they are punished by the courts who then accuse them of being coached.

So back in 2012, I was raging.

As I had a degree in psychology, I went straight out and signed up for masters in counselling.  As part of that, I spent six months with AWAM, the Malaysian feminist NGO that helps victims of violence.  

When I graduated, I set up my therapy business, and that’s where I am today.

I provide a safe space for anyone who needs it.

Aside from those who have been attacked, there are many others who have trouble accessing mental health support. Doctors, lawyers, and police officers are punished from stress that comes from empathy and exhaustion; care givers are not allowed to be angry; and the LGBTQ community and atheists are also routinely targeted by haters.

I believe there is no justice. Not anywhere. As I see the system is fundamentally hostile to justice, I am super private. I don’t say who my clients are. I don’t share paperwork.  And I keep prices as low as I can, so I’m accessible.

So that’s my origin story 😊

As for the next bit of change, I've decided to start posting on Instagram as part of my marketing. I'm engaging artists now and should be online by the end of this month. You can follow me now though, in anticipation, at https://www.instagram.com/ellentherapist/ Talk to you soon!

Silent Epidemic: Why Social Anxiety Is Exploding, And How You Can Craft A Path To A Happier, Healthier You

We say that anxiety is a mental illness, but few people appreciate exactly what this means. So let’s talk about Julie.

Julie’s Story

Julie doesn’t like to go out. “I’m a bit plump, my family are not rich, and I can’t afford designer handbags,” she says. “When I go out, people will judge me.”

When Julie gets a new job, she is excited. She doesn’t aim for CEO but she wants a decent career path so she has enough money to live without worrying about bills. She hopes to buy a house at some point or to travel.

Social Anxiety Disconnects Us

But as Julie doesn’t like to go out, she goes to the office and then goes straight home. She doesn’t join her colleagues for the weekly after-office drink, and works from home as much as she can.

When her line manager points out that she’s disconnected from the team and that upper management don’t know her, Julie feels nervous.

She wants to be seen but when next invited to go out for a drink, she refuses. She also ducks out of the annual dinner.

To herself she says, “I do my job. That is all that matters.” But secretly she thinks that if she goes out, they’ll judge her.

Julie does a great job. However, six months later she misses out on a promotion. The boost goes to a colleague who is less able than Julie, but he is the bloke who is there, chatting with the bosses at the bar and smooching at the annual corporate dinner.

Because whether we like it or not, business decisions are influenced by connection and friendship.

Everyday Choices or Anxiety?

Julie thinks she’s making everyday choices. However, the truth is that her fears are sabotaging her career advancement.  

Here is what we miss when we talk about anxiety being a mental health issue:
Anxiety creates a nightmare world and convinces us that it is real.

When you live with anxiety, you live in a nightmare – but you don’t see it! You think you are perfectly okay but the truth is that your life is constrained by your fears.

Key Takeaway: when your fears prevent you from living your best life, you have an anxiety issue.

Recognizing Social Anxiety

Here’s what social anxiety looks like:

You have an intense fear of being judged.
You avoid social situations.
If you are in a social situation, or maybe just thinking of one, you are nervous.
You are convinced that you suck at being social.

Summary: if it’s a choice between conversation or Zombie Apocalypse, you’re eating brains.

Why Social Anxiety Is Increasing

According to studies, social anxiety is increasing. Sifting through hundreds of studies, one analysis in 2023 pointed out that the COVID-19 pandemic led to a 25.6% increase in anxiety disorder cases (76.2 million additional cases) and a reset is likely to be slow. 

I believe there are several factors fueling social anxiety:

Talking has been largely replaced by texting. So when you do meet people face to face, just chatting feels weird. It is also more immediate. You can check a text; it’s harder to filter your words.

Online communication is forever. Young adults are used to having every single word they’ve said picked apart and criticized by the pack.

Plus, what they thought when they were 12 is still held against them when they’re 28. It’s unfair, and damaging.

Because of the factors above, I see Gen Z as a traumatized generation; young people have been attacked and harassed to the point where they are often shut down.

The pandemic is important because it has added to the disconnect. But we were already well on the way to trouble.

In a broader sense, social convention and social space architecture are now focused on separation (wrongly dubbed ‘privacy’)

Schools put desks in rows, not in small groups.
Teachers let students do group work with their close friends instead of encouraging them to work randomly with others in their class or year.

Coffee shops and canteens have moved from communal tables to individual tables.  Even pubs have individual tables instead of communal bars and tables.
 

Social disconnect is increasing to the point of absurdity.

I saw a promotion this week for a bus company trip to the next town that highlighted, “We promise never to seat you next to a stranger” meaning they will make sure you have an empty seat next to you rather than ask you to *gasp* sit next to someone for 2 hours!!!

Overcoming Social Anxiety

Don’t let fear clip your wings; you deserve to soar.

The tricky bit about anxiety is that there is usually a kernel of truth in the nightmare. There are people who judge others by the pound or bank balance. That says something about them, not us.

Julie knows this! But anxiety is a mental health issue, remember?  

While a bit of Julie knows her fears are irrational, the main effect is that it is overwhelming.  

The key to effective change is exposure. In non-therapy speak, Julie needs to build up positive experiences to rethink her reality.

In sessions, Julie actively challenges her negative thoughts, practices her social skills in a safe space, and then slowly creates positive experiences in real life.

It is a gradual process where each positive experience helps build up her confidence.

So, if you see a bit of Julie in you, know you’re not alone. Also, there is help.

Don’t let fear clip your wings; you deserve to soar. Contact me.

Images by kandhal keshvala, Pete and WOKANDAPIX from Pixabay

“Is this something I should seek therapy or counselling for?” How therapy and counselling sessions can work for you

One of the questions I’m asked regularly is, “Is this something I should seek therapy or counselling for with you?” If I had any sense at all, my standard reply would be, “Absolutely, and here are my bank details.” Sadly, ethics get in the way.

So here is my response.

Sessions are a tool and like any decent tool, you can use them in different ways.

how sessions can work for you

Some people use sessions to make changes in their lives. For example, if you have a long-term issue that bugs you because it stops you from being your best you, you can explore that in sessions and work on changing your thoughts and behaviour. You go for several sessions, and when you reach your goal, you quit. This is the classic sense of ‘going to therapy.’

Some people use sessions to thrash out a short-term question in a safe space. For example, if you are in a relationship and you’re not sure if you should stay or leave, talking it out in a private session can help you figure out what you want.  You may go once and not go again. Typically, that is called ‘counselling.’  

Finally, there are people like Bob.

Bob is the CEO of a tech startup. He says, “I can’t talk shop at the bar with my mates because it will tank my share prices. I love my wife, she’s a star, but she works too and having me come home and rant for an hour about how Matt from purchasing screwed up is too much. I won’t do that to her. So I want to trauma dump with you. Let’s do every second Tuesday, because that is when my financial partners come in to haul me over the coals.”

So how you use sessions is up to you. Let me know if you’re interested 😊

Breaking the Cycle: How to Overcome Negative Self-Talk in Anxiety and Depression

We all have an inner critic — that voice that says, “You’re useless. You’ll never get it right.”

For people struggling with anxiety or depression, that voice doesn’t just whisper. It shouts. And it keeps shouting until you believe it.

Negative self-talk isn't just about low self-esteem. It shapes how you experience the world. It can leave you feeling defeated before you even get out of bed, let alone start your day.

Learn To Love Yourself!

What Is Negative Self-Talk?

It’s that internal script that tells you you’re not good enough. Sometimes it mimics your own voice. Sometimes it sounds like a critical parent, teacher, or boss. And when you’re dealing with anxiety or depression, that nasty voice runs on a loop.

You might say things like:

• “I mess everything up.”
• “They probably think I’m annoying.”
• “What’s the point in trying?”

The worst part? You might not even realise you’re doing it — it’s become the background noise of your life.

Why It Matters

Negative self-talk feeds anxiety and depression like fuel to a fire. It reinforces hopelessness, shame, and isolation.
It keeps you stuck.

Therapy helps you notice these patterns, understand where they came from, and gradually build a more realistic and kinder inner voice.

A Note on Guilt and “Toxic Positivity”

This doesn’t mean forcing yourself to chant affirmations in the mirror or pretending everything’s fine. That kind of “just think positive!” advice can make things worse.

This is about learning how to challenge the voice that lies to you.
The one that says you're a failure when you’re really just having a bad week.
The one that says you’re weak for struggling, when in truth, you’ve been strong for far too long.

How Therapy Can Help

In therapy, we work together to:

• Spot the patterns that hurt you
• Understand where they came from
• Learn how to talk to yourself differently, without pretending everything is perfect

You don’t have to fight that inner critic on your own.

📩 Email me at ellen.whyte@gmail.com if you’d like to talk about getting started with therapy. I work online, offer flexible hours, and sessions cost just £45.