The Truth About Abuse #5 — Why Leaving Is So Hard (and Why You Keep Going Back)

If leaving were easy, you'd be gone already. Here's what keeps people stuck in abusive relationships.

It should be so simple: when you're in an abusive relationship, you leave.

Many laws are based on this (wrong!) assumption. The woman who puts up with years of black eyes and bruises, the man who is systematically picked clean of every penny he has, when they finally snap, bystanders say, "But you could have walked."

Not true.

I've worked with women and men in 20+ countries who have struggled leaving an abusive relationship. What I've learned from hundreds of clients is that the barriers to leaving are real, complex, and often invisible to outsiders. Here are the main reasons why it's so hard:

Three Emotional Hooks

Fear of Violence

Abusers have no brakes. They do what they like, when they like. So it's no surprise if you are terrified that your abuser will come after you.

And they do! Ask any police officer and they'll tell you that it's common for violent exes to hunt down their victim. Spurned abusive exes may bang on your door and scream, threaten you, trash your car, kill your pet, or attack you.

Reach for freedom 

Then there's no contact violence. Nasty exes have all kinds of ways to hurt you: Revenge porn. Cyberstalking. Racking up bills in your name. Calling your boss or colleagues and telling lies. Launching court cases

It's devastating.

This terror is exactly what I help my clients work through in therapy. The fear doesn't magically disappear when you leave - it often intensifies. Learning to manage this fear while staying committed to your safety is crucial recovery work.

Worse, we all know that these violent types are rarely punished. We see it on the news, we hear about it from friends.

Most countries have no interest in protecting victims of violence.

In stories, it's typically women being abused by men. But men are abused by women, and same sex couples can be abusive too.

Example: in the UK now, two out of three victims of abusive partners are women, and one third are men. link

Kids and Pets

Abusers have no problem taking hostages. So if you leave, fear of what they may do to the kids or pets is overwhelming.
• "You'll never see the kids again."
• "I'll make sure the kids know everything is your fault."
• "I'll put the cats in a shelter – or maybe I'll drown them."

Note: skilled abusers are very quick to have kids and some gift partners with a pet early in the relationship so they have ammunition later.

Again, men and women suffer from these threats.

The guilt and terror around children and pets keeps many of my clients trapped long after they know they need to leave. Working through these fears - and the reality behind the threats - is often the breakthrough that finally enables escape.

Hope and Love

As we discussed in The Truth About Abuse #1 —What It Really Is and How It Works, abusers are rarely nasty all the time. They typically alternate between abuse and honeymoon periods.

This messes with our minds. We can't believe someone we know is actively dangerous and has no problem being cruel to us.

So you hope, "If only I can do this one thing, it will be perfect all the time."
You remember the good times – and the bad ones fade.
And the abuser plays on this, pulling your strings to manipulate you.

So you stay. Or when you leave, you're persuaded to return.

This cycle of hope and manipulation is one of the hardest patterns to break. Even after leaving, many of my clients struggle with these feelings. The good memories feel more real than the abuse. Understanding why this happens - and how to resist it - is essential therapy work.

Sadly, staying within reach can end nastily. In truth, most murders are committed by the people we love.

The most dangerous period is the first month, and then the first year to eighteen months. If you can get past that, without going back, the danger drops.

How dangerous is it? Well, for example, in the UK 276 women and 86 men were killed by a partner or ex partner between March 2018 to 2020. Link But this doesn't count people who suicided rather than face their abuser. Link

The Big Bad World: Social And Financial Systems

Fear of Judgement

Everyone worries, "What will my friends say?" It's embarrassing, especially if they want details or you feel judged.

It's worse if your community normalises violence. 

Usually, this is sold as "family values." 

What it really means is, "We're okay if you suffer. Just shut up already."

If you try and save yourself, the bullying is horrendous and unrelenting.

Your fears can range from:
• "People will tell me off in public."
• "Our neighbours will stop talking to my family."
• "If my employer finds out I left, I will be fired."
• "My family will kill me."

Financial Dependence

Money is freedom. Abusers sabotage your independence.

Getting caught in this trap can sound like:
• "Your name doesn't need to be on the paperwork. Don't you trust me?"
• "A man's purpose is to make money for the family."
• "If you love me, you'll take out that loan."
• "Why are you so grasping? X needs that money."

Know you're not alone! Thispaper lists how financial abuse works in dozens of countries.

You Lose Your Home

Rent is expensive, and few people can afford to live alone. Especially with kids or pets.

Even if there's no abuse, just breaking up can lead to homelessness. Example: In the UK in 2016, 1 out of 3 people said breaking up with their partner might leave them homeless. Link

In abusive relationships, financial abuse is common.

Many of my clients, female and male, spent years paying mortgages, only to discover they lost the property when they broke free.

Research on this is poor, which is why I draw from direct client experience as well. But one US study found 50% of women who owned a home or were independent renters before their abusive relationship, lost that when they escaped. Link

Economics and Social Systems

In the West, we pay tax that supports strangers. In the UK, EU, Australia etc, if you lose your job or leave your abusive partner, tax payers will help you stay in a shelter, pay rent, and give you money for food.

In the rest of the world, money is kept within the family. If you lose your job or leave your abusive partner, it's your family that keeps you. So if they don't like you, you're sunk. There is no support.

Because of this, the west's abuse information only works there. Exiting abusive relationships is different outside of a Western social system.

That's why my advice is adapted for your culture and country. I'm multicultural, my family is multicultural, and I've spent years as an expat.

Bottom Line

Leaving an abusive relationship can sometimes be as easy as walking out. Usually, it's much harder. 

• Leaving is dangerous because abusers often fight back hard. 

• It's costly because you risk your money, your home, and your security. 

• Your emotions will be at war with your safety as fear, love, and hope keep you confused. 

• Plus, you may have people actively shoving you back into hell.

So if you are struggling to leave or to stay away, know this is perfectly normal!

And this is exactly why therapy support makes all the difference. These barriers don't disappear the moment you walk out the door. They follow you, creating the emotional chaos that pulls people back into danger.

Tips For Leaving and Staying Safe

Leaving safely takes planning.

Consult Domestic Violence Experts. Your local domestic violence charity will tell you about resources like shelters, offer legal advice, and explain what typically works and does not in your legal system.

They also offer a comprehensive guide to leaving safely, covering essential topics like which documents to gather, how to protect your children, the use of protection orders, workplace safety measures, and other crucial information.

This resource lists all the domestic violence helplines in every country recognised by the United Nations: https://nomoredirectory.org

What Therapy Can Do For You

In films, you escape and everything is okay. In real life, escaping a bad time is followed by a recovery period. During this period, expect guilt, hope, and fear to rush in. It's perfectly natural; you've had a bad time, someone has manipulated your emotions, and so it's hard to know what's what.

Also, your abuser may threaten you, pretend to suicide, spread rumours, and more.

That's where therapy shines!

Every barrier I've described above – the fear, the manipulation, the financial stress, the social pressure – these continue after you leave.

A few sessions will help you supercharge your recovery by: 

• Processing the emotional turmoil that keeps you questioning your decision 

• Practicing strategies for fighting manipulation when they promise to change 

• Learning to say no with confidence when there's pressure to return 

• Maintaining clarity when guilt, fear, and hope try to pull you back 

• Rebuilding your confidence and independence after years of being torn down

Here's what my international clients tell me matters most: my service is completely confidential. Nobody will know you're getting my support. So you can say anything you like to me, and once we're done, you walk away and live your best life.

The most dangerous period is the first year to eighteen months after leaving. This is when most people go back - not because they want to, but because the emotional manipulation and practical pressures become overwhelming.

Don't try to handle this alone. The barriers that kept you trapped don't disappear when you escape.

Ready to break free for good? Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation. I'll help you stay strong and clear through the most dangerous period.

Next in the series: You Don't 'Attract' Abusers — why it's not your fault and never has been.

The Truth About Abuse #4 —You Can’t ‘Work on It’ Together. Why abuse isn’t a “relationship problem” you can fix as a couple, and why couples therapy may be actively dangerous.

Here's a scenario I see constantly in my practice:

Sam rages when upset. And there’s a lot of rage. If Alex wants to meet up with a friend, Sam is nasty about it. If Alex has to work late one night, Sam sulks and slams about the house. As for disagreeing, Alex is now terrified to say anything because Sam will blow up or give Alex the silent treatment. 

Alex is walking on eggshells and constantly stressed. 

So, should Alex and Sam go to couples therapy? 

Before you answer, ask a question: who here has the problem?
Answer: Sam has an issue. Alex does not. 

Truth: couples therapy is amazing if you have two people with a relationship issue.
Abuse isn’t a relationship problem. Abuse is a one person’s problem. And trying to ‘fix it together’ in couples therapy doesn't just make things worse; it can be actively dangerous.

You can recover from abuse!

Why Couples Therapy Fails With Abusers

As we discussed briefly last time, Why Some People Choose to Be Abusive, abusive behaviour is learned and it is rewarding in the short term. 

Best case scenario: suppose Sam has fallen into bad habits, he realises it, and intends to change. To get there, Sam needs to commit to deep self-reflection, accountability, analysis and practicing new habits. 

In therapy sessions, these conversations can be uncomfortable. Most often, my clients will say something like, “Oh God, I was awful!” It stings! But then we move on and work on the new better behaviour.  The process is tricky but ultimately extremely rewarding.

Now, asking Sam to do that in front of Alex makes this process ten times harder. In fact, Sam may just not want to do it at all. Because admitting our human failings is difficult. That’s issue #1.

Issue #2 is that a partnership is about two equals supporting each other through life. Suppose Sam bites the bullet and has new behaviour to practice. Is Alex suddenly going to be teacher, mentor or (even worse!) Sam’s mum?

That dynamic would mess up the relationship in a different way. 

So with a nice Sam gone wrong, Alex should stay out of Sam’s therapy sessions. 

Worse case scenario: Sam is a nasty piece of work who has no intention of changing but he wants his punching bag to stay in place. So he acts remorseful, fully intending to act nice for a short time. Then Alex will stay, and he can quietly revert to his normal abusive self later. 

In these cases, Sam hijacks the sessions. 

If Sam is clever, the charm flows. There are lots of amazing promises. For a brief spell, there’s faults admitted, remorse shown and wonderful loving behaviour. Maybe there are some tears and a sob story about childhood for extra effect thrown in. 

Alex buys it, heads home, stops sessions, and Sam quietly slips back into the old cruelties.
If Sam is less sharp, there’s resistance and then Sam pins the blame on Alex for causing upset. Minimizing, blaming, and gaslighting kick into full gear.

Some therapists see through it. Others don’t spot the tactic, falling for Sam’s ploys and siding with the idea that Alex must be partly at fault.

Sam subtly steers the sessions. It ends with Alex wondering if being hard to live with is the real issue, so home they go, where Sam tightens the screws, quietly punishing Alex for seeking help. Sam will also use the therapist’s words, twisting and bending the experience to advantage.

Understanding DARVO

Tip: Sams are incredibly good at using therapy terms for their own purposes. Like torturing you with the silent treatment and calling it ‘boundaries’ or pretending that you have a mental health issue such as being bipolar.

Nasty Sams are especially talented at calling you an abuser. If you want to Google it, it’s called DARVO meaning Deny wrongdoing, Attack the victim or those holding them accountable, and Reverse the victim and offender roles. 

Nasty Sams using DARVO are now recognised as a serious issue by charities helping abuse victims through the legal system.  Remember, abusive behavior isn't gender-specific - anyone can use these manipulative tactics. link

Bottom Line: When there is abusive behaviour in a relationship, the person who is abusive signs up for therapy. 

In my practice, I work with both people recovering from abuse and those genuinely committed to changing their harmful patterns. The work is different for each, but both require the safety and focus that only individual therapy can provide.

What about Alex? Alex isn't abusive so doesn’t need to change. However, being targeted for abuse is exhausting and frightening, and can lead to psychological damage including anxiety, depression, and c-PTSD. 

This is where individual therapy becomes crucial - not to change Alex's behaviour, but to help them heal from the trauma and rebuild their sense of self.

But Alex absolutely should not be in sessions with Sam.

What If We’re Both Abusive?

Great question! In that case, you each find a therapist and use individual sessions to work on yourselves. 

Can you go to the same therapist? Yes, it’s actually very common. 

Read up on how it works here: Is It Okay For You And Your Friend To See The Same Therapist? What About Partners, Exes, Cousins And So On? Talking About Confidentiality And Neutrality

Can abusers be fixed?

Again, good question but it’s tough to answer. 

Most research focusses on the nasty Sams who are in legal trouble, usually for physical violence. 

These Sams may be forced to attend therapy but how well it works is hotly debated. Some have added issues such as drug addiction, some belong to criminal gangs that promote and normalise violence, and some just aren’t interested in change.  

Also, many of these studies focus on the criminal but don’t talk to their victims. So you basically have nasty Sams reporting their miraculous new selves without checking with the Alexs if it’s true. 

Finally, clever nasty Sams who get police attention, learn very quickly how to be violent without breaking the law.  Link 1 Link 2 

And in many countries, police and law courts are not interested in punishing Sams for terrorising Alexs. We’ve all seen reports of an Alex who has been let down over and over by the authorities.  WHO report UK report UK report UK police

For the nasty Sams, I’d say you should run far away and stay far away. 

For the basically decent Sams who have fallen into bad habits, there is less research. That’s because these Sams change without access to the criminal system so there are few records kept. Maybe they read books, there are family or friend interventions, or they go for personal therapy.

My view: it’s usually positive. 

If you recognize yourself in either role - the person causing harm or receiving it - individual therapy offers the specialized support you need to either change destructively learned patterns or heal from their impact.

If your family and friends are still with you, you have a good chance of upping your game and being the best you. 

If you’ve missed the cues and your family and friends are no longer talking to you, you can still up your game and be the best you. 

Maybe you make up with some of the people you’ve hurt. 
It’s also possible that some of those people just don’t want to try again.
That’s sad, but it doesn’t mean you’re sunk. 
You can make new friends and build new relationships that last.

Tip: to make therapy work, you must invest in it. 

That means: 
•    Being honest and open in the sessions
•    Doing your homework!
•    And turning up every week at first

You can’t turn up once and decide you’re fixed. Or go once every two or three months and expect personal growth and development.

It took you time to become abusive, months or maybe years.  Therefore, it will take time for you to figure out what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, and then to change your behaviour.

Therapy won’t take years, even if you’ve been that way for a long time, but don’t expect it to be an instant fix. 

Do We Need To Split Up?

If there is physical violence, yes. 

A slap can break your nose or crush a cheekbone, disfiguring you for life. 
A hard shove can knock you over, have you hit your head and you may die. 

If there is violence, you must leave.

If there is no physical violence, then you’re an adult and you make your choices. 

With a nasty Sam who isn’t physically violent, there will be no change. If you stay, you’ll have 50 years of nasty Sam.
 
With a fundamentally decent Sam who acts abusively, you may stay, separate for a while, or decide that the behaviour has killed the relationship. 

Whatever you choose is totally up to you. The questions I would ask are: “If I saw my relationship on TV in a soap opera, what would I be screaming at the screen” and then “If this relationship doesn’t change, do I want 50 years of this?” 

Also, as we discussed in Why Some People Choose to Be Abusive, remember that abusive behaviour is learned and it is rewarding. So don’t lie to yourself that the abuser ‘doesn’t know what they’re doing’ or that ‘it’s their sad childhood.’ 

There is no excuse for bad behaviour! 

If you’re not sure which kind of Sam you have, assume the worst until proven otherwise

And if you are generous and you give your Sam a chance, set solid goals with a time limit and if your Sam doesn’t shape up – and stay with it! – leave.

Be prudent: you have one life, don’t make choices that stop you enjoying it. 

If this piece resonates with your experience, you don't have to navigate these complex dynamics alone. I offer individual online therapy sessions specifically focused on abuse recovery, changing harmful relationship patterns, and rebuilding healthy connections. 

Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation. I'll help you stay strong and clear through the most dangerous period.

Next piece: The Truth About Abuse #5— Why Leaving Is So Hard (and Why You Keep Going Back)
If leaving were easy, you’d already be gone. Here’s what really keeps people stuck in abusive relationships.

The Truth About Abuse #3 — Why Some People Choose to Be Abusive

It’s not stress. It’s not ‘bad childhoods.’ Those can be factors, but they don’t cause abuse. Abusers make choices, and those choices are about power.

As a therapist who has worked with over 500 abuse cases in the past decade, I'm often asked this question. Here's what the research and my clinical experience reveal.

A question that comes up repeatedly in therapy is, "But why are they abusive?" The answer challenges everything most people believe about domestic violence.

I'll talk about this in a moment, but I'd like to start with a controversial statement: if you are in an abusive relationship, the why doesn't matter. Over the past ten years, I've worked with around 500 people dealing with abuse, and this is one of the most important lessons I've learned.

When a truck runs over your foot, your bones break. What matters is getting out of the way.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, the goal is to get out, quickly, safely and to avoid broken bones.

But relationships are not straightforward. We feel tied to each other, through history, emotions, obligation, guilt, fear, or even love and compassion.

Also, when we process a relationship, understanding the mechanics can help us heal.

So here are some of the whys.

Are Abusers Sick?

Abuse is learned and can be changed

A very small number of people are born with personality disorders. You will hear people on TikTok talking about narcissists and sociopaths. That information is typically not reliable.

Some people have diagnosable conditions that make empathy difficult. Labels can help people using abusive behaviour identify patterns and seek change. However, labels aren’t necessary for healing when you’ve been a target. 

What matters is getting specialized support from someone who understands these dynamics. In my practice, I focus on helping clients recognize these patterns and develop safety strategies, regardless of diagnostic labels.

In fact, labelling is a controversial subject. Check out, Dr James Davies: The Origins of the DSM and Psychiatric diagnosis 'scientifically meaningless.'

My view: I think labels are tricky, especially as science is constantly evolving.

From my experience, clients can be targets of abuse, exhibit abusive behaviors themselves, or both. 

Only one did not see other people as having feelings. He was genuinely frightening. Clinically, this lack of real empathy is a sign of personality disorders, which are rare.

Everyone else understood that others have emotions. Among those using abusive behaviour, many changed; some chose not to. Why? Because the behaviour delivers short-term rewards.

So, if you want the best chance of being the best you, it's s important to work with a therapist who is trained to understand abuse.

This is a complex subject, so if you want a very long read with two dozen excellent follow-on references, check out this 2023 overview paper On power and its corrupting effects: the effects of power on human behavior and the limits of accountability systems This research really fits with my experience treating patients.

But here are the basics.

How Power Affects the Brain and Body

Brain imaging studies show that power and dominance can activate reward/motivation circuits, such as getting a feel-good rush of chemicals such as dopamine. It also reduces perspective-taking in some people.

For some, it may be that their brains are pre-wired this way.
However, abusive behaviour also changes how the brain works.

If we keep choosing it, we can activate the brain's reward and motivation systems, and get that feel-good rush. As it feels good, we want more.

Power truly is addictive.

As abusive behaviours can also shut down brain areas related to empathy, it kickstarts a cycle where the more antisocial and aggressive we are, the less we care about others.

In extreme cases, we dehumanize others, seeing them as objects or tools to be used. 

To escape these patterns, whether you're in them or using them, requires a professional trained in abuse dynamics. This isn't work for well-meaning friends, family members, or anyone who lacks specific training in power and control patterns. In my experience, specialised knowledge greatly helps people recover from abuse or change harmful behaviours.

How Abusers Feel

Choosing abusive behaviour as a pattern has various dangerous effects.

It fuels entitlement. It makes them feel special and above the rules. It is linked to greed, cheating, lying, and breaking the law.

The power rush also promotes hypocrisy. Serial abusers often push the mantra, “Don’t do as I do, do as I say.” Kicker? They often develop a false sense of moral superiority.

Interestingly, power need not be loud. (see previous article on how abuse works)

Performative victimhood (faking or exaggerating harm to control others) is a tactic some perpetrators use. That is not the same as genuine victimisation!

Some abusers learn that acting hurt, helps them gain status and helps them punish others.

How Abusers Learn Their Craft

We all have the capacity for bad behaviour.

If you say no to a toddler, for example, they will whine, “But I waaaaaaant it!” If you give in, they learn an important lesson: if they scream, they’ll get what they want.

Are toddlers evil? Nope.

A toddler isn’t abusive; the point is we learn early that pressure can help us get our way fast. This is why parenting involves teaching toddlers good manners and empathy.

People using abusive behaviour don’t learn those skills. Instead, they learn how to push other people around. They might learn it if:

• Abuse is normalised in their culture
• Abuse is normalised in their family
• They follow an influencer who teaches them
• They see a partner, boss or peer do it
• They read a book about it
• They do it by accident, profit from it, so repeat it

And once they start, it is rewarding, so they do more and more of it.

“They Can’t Help It” Is a Dangerous Myth

Bob is a fantastic salesman who gets on well with the C-suite. The second he walks into his own home, he’s a tyrant. If Peggy doesn’t do exactly what Bob wants when he wants, Bob lashes out.

Kitty’s family are on tenterhooks because Kitty will break down, lash out and threaten to hurt herself at the least little upset. But when Kitty is out and about with her church group, she is a delight.

People using abusive behaviour can control themselves perfectly well when they want to. They just choose not to treat you well.

Being abusive means some short-term rewards:

You can do what you want, when you want.

You can lash out when you feel like it, no need to be polite or thoughtful.

Everyone is so scared of upsetting you, that they run around, anticipating your needs. If you get them properly scared, you don’t even need to yell anymore; a frown or sigh will do it.

But it also comes at a cost: it kills love, alienates your family and friends, destroys your reputation, and eventually you will be alone and likely rather unhappy.

Quick thought: if you recognise yourself here, please know you’re not doomed. You can stop, take ownership, repair harm, and learn new skills. 

It's tricky to change how power works, so this work needs therapy. In my practice, I work with people committed to this transformation - it's uncomfortable but totally doable with the right guidance.

Many clients come to this work feeling hopeless, however, I've seen amazing changes with consistent support.

Judging Is Key

We all catch ourselves being manipulative. Like we might deliberately flatter someone because we want them to go easy on us, or we pretend to be a bit helpless so someone else will do it for us.

It’s not a big deal. We all have a little bit of toddler inside.

But abuse is different. If you’re okay with hurting others because you think they don’t matter, or because you matter more, or because you think your enjoyment is more important than their comfort, you have a problem. (But don’t panic! It’s fixable and we talk about that next time.)

And if you’re in a relationship with someone who thinks that way, don’t become focussed on why, just make sure you don’t have all the bones in your feet broken.

The right therapy makes a real difference whether you're healing from abuse or identifying harmful behaviours. My online work involves global clients; I offer expertise and security to manage these tricky areas. If you connect with this, message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation. I'll help you stay strong and clear through the most dangerous period.

Next in the series: You Can’t ‘Work on It’ Together — why abuse isn’t a “relationship problem” you can fix as a couple.

The Truth About Abuse #2 — No Bruises? It’s Still Abuse

Emotional and verbal abuse can cut just as deep as a fist. If they’re breaking you down, it’s not “just words.” This insight might completely change your understanding of what you've lived through.

As a therapist specialising in trauma recovery, I've seen how deeply non-physical abuse impacts the brain and body. Here's what the latest neuroscience reveals.

This is a difficult topic, and you may find it upsetting. However, to understand abuse, it’s important to step back from your emotions and to focus in a sensible, fact-finding way on how violence works.

This will give you the information you need to make informed decisions.

Now, read on…

The Science of Violence

All violence causes damage

Thanks to technology (imaging machines mostly) research is accelerating rapidly. What we’re learning is changing how we think about mental health. 

Let’s talk about childhood first.

We used to think that spanking was ‘discipline’ and totally different from caning and sexual assault which is ‘assault.’ Imaging has proved that is wrong. My daily work with trauma survivors confirms these research findings.

When a child is spanked, they suffer pain and helplessness. For a little kid, spanking is a violent event. Link

The child learns they are not safe, not even with a parent or adult they love.

The experience can rewire young brains. They become very sensitive to danger.

We used to think that shouting and screaming weren’t harmful, either. New MRI studies suggest it can have the same effect as physical violence, especially in children. Link  Again, the findings match my observations from working with trauma survivors.

In other words, the brain may not always distinguish between ‘words’ and ‘blows.’

A child who is yelled at, feels frightened and helpless. The experience can rewire the brain. Link

Adults exposed to violence can also show changes in brain functioning. It may be a soldier in combat, but it might also be a woman who witnesses a traumatic accident, or a man who is bullied at work.

We all have a mental burglar alarm. When we experience trauma, that alarm can be set to a hair-trigger. 

If that happens, you will see danger where other people are confident. That has a lasting impact.

How Violence Impacts On Mental Health

In my practice, I work with adults who were spanked, caned, rotanned, scolded constantly, or emotionally neglected. In many places, this is a normal childhood! 

Some were bullied at work, had an abusive partner, were sexually abused, trafficked, or suffered significant trauma.

Violence is an equal opportunity event; anyone can suffer. So if that’s you, there’s no shame in it.You're not weak for being affected - your brain was doing exactly what brains do when under threat.

People who have had a rough time, typically share these traits:

• They are scared of people being angry or upset.
• They are scared of making mistakes.
• When they think there is dangers, there is a trauma response. This includes running away, fighting, vomiting, shouting, fainting, self-harming, not being able to breathe and more.

Because of this, they:

• Are more at risk of developing mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and self-harm.
• Avoid opportunities for growth. They are so scared of making a mistake that they will only take opportunities where they can get things 100% right easily. They won’t risk learning something that involves a lot of hit and miss.
• Have trouble with relationships because they’re afraid to communicate authentically.

BUT it’s not one-size-fits-all.

Theory and big studies are excellent for big picture thinking but it is a mistake to apply it ruthlessly to individuals.

Some people are more affected than others. Why is a hugely debated question.

Variables include:

• What happened (a slap, years of shouting, sexual assault, etc.)
• Personality (some traits seem to protect people more than others)
• Environment (was it one angry parent, or a whole community that backed the abuse?)
• Culture (is punishment seen as shameful for the abuser, or shameful for the victim?)

Because of these issues, one-size-fits-all solutions often don’t work when dealing with trauma. The simple truth is, you need a plan that's right for you. That is why I create custom treatment plans for my clients, based on their background and what they're feeling now. 

The Impact of Violence On Memory

A lot of the people I speak to have memory gaps. In particular, adults who grew up with a lot of shouting, spanking and fear, often have little or no memory of early childhood.

Stress interferes with memory making. MRI machines have proven this. Link

Scientists are still debating why this happens. One leading idea is that stress hormones, released during violent events, interfere with how memories are stored. That’s why people often recall fragments — the look on a parent’s face, the first blow — but lose the rest.

Examples:

• Kim who was caned by her parents remembers her mother’s expression and the first stroke of pain, but not the rest of that day.
• Bob who had an abusive partner remembers her screaming at him in front of friends, but can’t remember what day it was or what he said to defend himself.

Again, everyone is different.

Can you get your memory back?

One very interesting aspect of having memory gaps is that our brains try to make sense of what is left. As it turns out, brains are not very good at that.

Sometimes details may emerge later BUT as the brain does tend to ‘suggest’ details so it ‘feels right’ some of those details may be correct and some may be false.

So, just trying to remember the details about trauma is tricky. Link This is specialised work that requires a therapist trained in trauma recovery.

Luckily, you don’t need to delve into detail.

Want to Heal? Typical Obstacles

In some cultures, judging is taboo.  

Abusers punish us for challenging them, so just thinking about it may make you scared. Also, it’s painful to think that someone you know, like, love or respect may not be very nice.

Not all abusers are evil. (We’ll talk more about this next time). But as all abuse sucks and we need to call it out so we can deal with it, you will have to push through and judge the situation.

How To Judge Your Parents

Addressing childhood issues can be particularly difficult. If you grew up with beatings or screaming parents and you are worried about judging them, consider these points:

Pre-internet, parents didn’t know a lot about parenting. They did what their parents did. This is why we have generational trauma.

However, beating a child who is terrified takes some doing.

Adults who hit their kids typically pretend they’re doing it ‘for their own good.’ However, adults in therapy often admit they attack their kids because they are in a bad mood.

Example: 

• Kim’s mum may have had a bad day at work, so she came home and whacked her kid out of sheer stress. Rather than admit this, mum pretends it’s because Kim did something to deserve it.

So here is my prime directive: violence is a choice. If an adult attacks a child, it’s on them.

However, as parents are fallible humans, you may decide to talk it over.

In some families, this conversation includes acknowledgement of harm, an apology, and is healing.

It won’t magically reset that hair trigger burglar alarm, you need to work on healing that, but such a conversation will promote love.

Sadly, that Disney moment is not for everyone.

People who scream and hit, very often refuse to acknowledge the harm they do. It’s never their fault, it’s always someone ‘making them’ or they ‘didn’t know so it doesn’t count.’

When confronted, such parents double down and claim it is their right to be violent. Or they lie and try to gaslight you into thinking it never happened.

As each situation is different, you'll need an individual therapeutic assessment to chart your path to healing. In my practice, I help clients navigate these complex family dynamics safely. But you should know up front that you can heal without your family taking part in your therapy.  In fact, I have clients who have healed without discussing their therapy with their family and also with family who remain in denial. 

Steps To Healing 

To heal, we see:

• Where you are today,
• Where you have trouble being your best you
• Where that might come from,
• And then we work out steps for you to change your thinking and behaviour so you can be your best you.

We also identify if you have anxiety, depression, self-harm etc and if so, we work out techniques for you to manage effective change.

Again, while the process is simple, there is no fixed formula for the work that needs done. Every person is different.This is why I don't use one-size-fits-all approaches. You need a treatment plan designed for your specific trauma history.

My advice is:

• Don’t worry about ‘normal’ – you feel the way you do and that’s okay
• Healing is a process. What doesn’t work for you today may work tomorrow, so keep assessing and moving forward
• You can learn from all kinds of resources about healing from violence. Listen to the experiences of military people, charity workers, social workers, paramedics, doctors, nurses, parents with sick kids – everyone has a story and it’s surprising what you can learn just from listening with an open mind

You can heal from trauma, but it’s easier with professional help. I offer specialised trauma therapy to clients internationally, working online. Ready to break free for good? Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation. I'll help you stay strong and clear through the most dangerous period.

Next in the series: Why People Are Abusive — and it’s not stress or a bad childhood.

The Truth About Abuse #1 — What It Really Is and How It Works

After working with over 500 abuse cases across 20+ countries, I can tell you this: if you're questioning whether what you're experiencing is 'real abuse,' you need to read this. 

Abuse isn't just 'being mean' or 'losing your temper.' It's a calculated pattern of control that most people don't recognize until it's already trapped them.

How Abuse Works: The Two Cycles You Need to Know

Everyone fights. Everyone has upsets. Abuse is different. The difference could determine whether you stay stuck or break free.

When Kevin met Sally, she was amazing, clever, and funny. They laughed for hours. But Sally has a temper and high standards. She says he's not as clever as he thinks, criticises his work, and when they moved in, she handled the money because "he's not competent." A year later, Kevin's on pocket-money and miserable, but he avoids rocking the boat because Sally gets angry. And sometimes, she's amazing, loving, and funny again. He thinks if he worked harder, they'd be happy all the time.

Siti thinks Mo is caring and sensitive. He's generous and spoils her with dinners and holidays. But he says she's too heavy, so she works out daily while he tracks her progress. She hides eating lunch because it will upset him. Mo has a history of anxiety and depression, so she worries upsetting him could make him ill or suicidal. His ex cheated on him, and when Siti goes out, he worries she will too. Siti quits dance and work socials. She misses her friends and fun, but Mo is so good to her! And anyway, love means making sacrifices.

These examples represent the typical trends I notice in my therapy practice: the slow loss of personal freedom that is hidden by what seems like love or support.

Abuse is a pattern of behaviour where one person establishes power over their target. They want to control them. Recognising these dynamics requires specialised knowledge. In my practice, I help clients identify these patterns and develop strategies to reclaim their autonomy. 

Although we often focus on how some men abuse women, it is truly an issue that can affect anyone at any time.

Abuse is about power. It's controversial, and it's complex. This is why working with a therapist trained in abuse dynamics is crucial. Someone who is not trained often misses these subtle control mechanisms.

A lot of the research is cultural, focuses on a particular time, or has gender bias. I've observed these dynamics in my clinical work, across varied groups and relationships. Also, as we change, human dynamics change too.

In short, there is no 'truth.' My view is that the more you know, the more informed your decisions.

In this series, we'll take a deep dive into abuse, so you can make informed decisions about your mental health.

Abuse = Two Cycles Working Together

The inner cycle: Power and Control (adapted from the Duluth Model)
The outer cycle: Honeymoon-Explosion-Make-up cycle

Power and Control

Tactics abusers use

Abusers use a range of tactics. Here are some of the most common ones.

Intimidation 

Example: You ask them to help you with something. They shout at you.
Effect: You become afraid of their anger. You stop communicating honestly and start walking on eggshells.

Emotional Abuse 

Example: "You're not as clever as you think." "It's just as well I love you because others won't." "Wow, you're so confident for a fat person!"
Effect: Chips away your self-esteem so you're more vulnerable.

Minimizing, Denying, Blaming, Gaslighting 

Example: "You're oversensitive." "I didn't say that." "You make me say these things." "You're imagining things."
Effect: Confuses you and makes you question your own sanity.

Stereotyping and Privilege 

Example: "You're not a real man unless you earn six figures." "Housework is women's work." "Good men sacrifice themselves for their family." "Good daughters help in the home; they don't selfishly focus on their career."
Effect: Extends emotional abuse by claiming society agrees you're awful.

Isolation 

Example: "Other people aren't your friends." "I don't like you when you're with your friends." "You have to choose between me and them."
Subtle form: Constant texts or calls when you go out, demands for proof of where you are, and fights when you return.
Effect: Cuts you off from support so the abuser can control you without interference.

Financial Abuse 

Example: Borrowing money without repayment. Guilt-tripping you: "Why are you buying that? It's selfish to spend money on yourself." Subtle version: "You can’t take that promotion because your family needs you."
Effect: Without money, it's harder to leave.

Coercion and Threats 

Example: "If you don't do what I want, I'll kill you/the kids/the pets/myself." "If you don't do what I want, I'll be suicidal and it will be your fault." "If you don't do what I want, I'll report you for committing a crime."
Effect: Uses fear to silence you and keep you compliant.

Using Kids, Pets, and Flying Monkeys 

Example: Using others to pressure you to stay: 

Family: "They love you really. It's just their way."
Kids: "You have to stay! Mum/Dad is crying."

Effect: Makes it harder to leave by turning your support network into part of the control system.

Abuse is tricky because it doesn't always look the same. For example, if you are trafficked, your abuser may get you hooked on drugs - because that is easier than just threatening you.

Also, abusers don't always use violence. Some act like martyrs, make themselves ill, or act helpless. 
•    A mum who has palpitations when you don't do what she wants.
•    A dad who refuses to take his medication unless you are there.
•    A partner who will not feed the dog when you're out.
•    An ex-alcoholic who will drink if you aren't there.
- They're just as controlling as a person who hits you.

Many of my clients initially dismiss non-physical abuse as 'not that bad.' Learning to recognise covert control tactics is specialised work that can literally save your life.

If you recognise multiple tactics from this wheel in your relationship, it's time to get professional support. These patterns rarely improve without intervention. 

The Outer Cycle: Honeymoon-Explosion-Make-up

Honeymoon Phase 

Everything is lovely. You feel loved and valued. 

Tension 

You feel tense. You know trouble is on the way.

Explosion 

The fight happens. You feel lost and blame yourself for "messing up."

Make-up Phase 

They're sweet again. You make excuses. You focus on the "perfect life" you had.
If it's a romantic relationship, they promise to change-therapy, long talks, big declarations.
If it's family, they remind you of their "generosity" and insist you're the problem.
At work, a colleague or boss may use either strategy.

It's all a ruse. The nice-nasty routine is designed to keep you off balance and clinging to the hope that one day it will be perfect forever.

Reality

Abuse is a pattern of behaviour that sucks you in and drains you. It rarely kicks off at full speed; it's usually a process.

By the time the abuser has you hooked in tight:
o You're scared to speak your mind.
o You feel bad about yourself.
o You're isolated from help.
o You believe you have no way out.

But there is a way out, and it starts with getting the right support.

I've helped clients recognise these patterns and develop safety strategies. Understanding the mechanics is the first step toward breaking free.

Breaking free from abusive patterns requires understanding how they work and developing personalised safety strategies. I provide specialised online therapy for abuse recovery, helping clients worldwide recognise these dynamics and reclaim their lives. If these patterns feel familiar, don't wait - message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation. I'll help you stay strong and clear through the most dangerous period.

Next in the series: No Bruises? It's Still Abuse - why emotional and verbal harm is just as real as physical violence.

Why Self-Esteem is Your Secret Weapon at Work & in Life

Why Self-Esteem is Your Secret Weapon at Work & in Life

Self-Esteem: Not Fluff, But Function

Studies show it is an important predictor of overall mental health – and as a bonus, it makes us more productive at work.

Here’s how that works: 

What The Science Says

Europe (2023):

A team examined 76 studies with a total of 35,537 people. They confirmed a robust positive link between self-esteem and well-being. Source

Recommendation?
Executives and leaders should develop a solid sense of self-worth to buffer stress and enhance happiness and effectiveness.

UK (2020):

An analysis of 674 managers showed a clear link between job autonomy and better organization-based self-esteem (OBSE).
This fed into higher productivity and less stress and burnout. Source

Recommendation?
Business owners should focus on making their managers feel competent, trusted, and valued for moral and economic reasons.

Malaysia (2024):

A study of 246 workers highlighted self-esteem as one key factor (among others) in creating a positive, high-performance work environment. Source

Recommendation?
Business managers should promote strategies to enhance employees’ self-worth to gain organizational success.

Okay, I want some of that. Show me how!

First, look at your behaviour.
People with high self-esteem:

• Accept the positive and the negative in themselves
• Have boundaries
• Speak honestly but not cruelly
• Find fulfilment and meaning in life

Next, understand your influences.
Self-esteem is shaped by factors you can’t change (like genetics and age), but also by elements you can adjust like your life experiences and the people around you.

Most importantly, working on self-esteem can help you sort out the triggers that cause you to self-sabotage.

Working on your self-esteem is a journey, but it’s hugely rewarding.

If this hits a nerve, let’s talk! Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation. 

Hard Work, Not Hugs - Therapy Isn’t for Amateurs

 

“Anyone can be a therapist. It’s just listening and nodding.”

I see comments like this all the time. I get it. Few people know that you can’t do the job with just a basic degree.

So, let me break it down.

I’m a Level 7 Psychotherapist and Counsellor – here’s what it took to get here:

BSc Psychology (Hons) – Four Years
A deep dive into cognitive, individual, and social psychology, neuroscience, animal behaviour, philosophy of psychology, plus statistics and research methods.

I did an extra honours year, conducting research and writing a thesis.

BScs are fab but they don’t train you to work with people. For that, you need:

Masters in Counselling (Dist) – Three Years
Theory, techniques, assessment, ethics, statistics, and more.

It concluded with the Supervised Practicum—a fancy way to describe supervised fieldwork.

I did mine in three places:

All Women’s Action Malaysia (AWAM)
    – abuse, domestic violence, rape, incest, sexual harassment, trauma
Dresser-Rand-Siemens
    – career stress, cross-cultural issues, mental health during layoffs
Asia Pacific University (APU)
    – international students/staff with anxiety, depression, loneliness, growth 

I took an extra course in Online Therapy and Counselling because this wasn’t covered in universities yet.

I now have an added 9+ years of experience in my private practice. But I still study. I read newly published studies every week.

Funnily enough, I do have a few clients who ask very specifically for listening and nodding.

Most though hire me to help them manage support or recovery from abuse, bullying, stress, tricky divorces, cross-cultural moves, rape, trafficking, depression, anxiety, c-PTSD and other challenges.

It’s hard work. Intense at times. But I love it. It’s what I trained for.

This is what qualified looks like.
And I’m proud of it.

Also, my clients get better!  Several of them are graduating this month, so I have spots coming up in August.  Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.