Self-help vs. Professional Help: Knowing When to Call In the Mental Health Expert

You wouldn’t ignore a clogged sink forever—so why ignore persistent depression?

Many people waste hours trying to heal their depression.

They know there’s something not quite right.

They know there are tools that can help.

They spend weeks or months working hard and getting very little return.

But they hesitate to talk to a psychotherapist.

I get it. Mental health services are not cheap. And when you see all the self-help resources out there, DIY seems a reasonable option.

But is it?

I think of it this way: I’m happy to change a washer in a tap or dump a bit of Mr Muscle down a sink but when there’s a persistent blockage or the water heater goes, I call the plumber.

Mental health is the same.

There are lots of excellent how to articles, podcasts and videos created by mental health professionals.

If you are a bit low after a breakup or you’re not having a blast at work every day, checking out quality sources will give you what you need.

But if the depression is persistent or overwhelming, then you need to figure out if you’re looking at a symptom or a condition.

Confused? Let me explain.

I think of depression as spots: you may have spots because you have chickenpox, a fungal infection, or an allergy to soap.

There's no point in changing your soap if you have chickenpox.

With persistent or overwhelming depression, identifying the cause is the first step to healing because it allows you to choose an appropriate treatment method.

This is trickier than it sounds because there are various approaches.

I use cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), behavioural activation and existential therapy–all of them have their uses but there's no one-size-fits-all.

Also, sometimes it is more efficient to treat the root cause rather than the depression itself.

For example, if your depression is the result of being bullied in the office, the best way forward may be to help you change departments or jobs, and then to focus on recovery and learning lessons so you can avoid repeating the situation.

In short, you are a special snowflake. You’re one of a kind, and for mental health services to truly help, we need to understand what makes you, you.

So, if you have a persistent mental health issue, enlisting the services of a mental plumber registered psychotherapist and counsellor is much more efficient and effective than a whole bottle of Mr Muscle.

If you’re looking for professional support, contact me.

I'm updating my therapy agreement. Don't panic! It's not an increase

 

I'm updating my therapy agreement. Don't panic! It's not an increase. 

There are two new conditions.

My current rate is £45 per hour but established clients like you get a discount. (If you don't know how this works, ask me.) How those discounts apply will change on 1st April 2025.

First, I am accepting 17-year-olds as clients. If you are a client, your child gets your discounted rate. By child, I mean your kids and step-kids aged 17 and up. Is your kid already in their 30s? Talk to me and we work it out.

Second, established clients maintain their discount for one year only. If you have a gap between sessions that is longer than one year, I treat you as a new client. This means you lose your discount.
 
I appreciate this will have some of you checking in once every 364 days to maintain the rate 'just in case'. If you have feelings about this, text me.

Also, if you want to join the once a month blog post notice, hit reply and tell me and I'll add you to my list. Easy on, easy off.

‘What Were the Kids Doing?’—The Gene Hackman and Betsy Arakawa Deaths and the Hard Truth About Personal Agency

The Gene Hackman and Betsy Arakawa deaths sparked a lot of ‘what were the kids doing’ posts. I think it’s important to share an observation: we have very little control over others, even when they make poor decisions. 

 

We have had these discussions in my family and I have clients who have struggled with this issue too. 

 

When an old person is difficult or makes terrible choices, one cannot simply order them about.

 

You can’t force someone to see a doctor, take their medication, or even take up the offer of you sending a regular cleaner. When an adult says they don’t want your help or your advice, that is the end of the matter.

 

There is one exception: being declared non compos mentis, or incapable of making rational decisions, perhaps due to dementia or other illness.

 

However, the bar for this is extremely high and it costs a fortune. Going to court and asking a judge to take away someone’s rights is incredibly difficult. And rightly so. Freedom is precious. 

 

Mr Hackman had dementia but Ms Arakawa did not. That means the couple made their own choices. 

 

They chose to be reclusive, even though they could afford help. That was a poor choice. Even a twice a week check-in would have saved one of them, and their poor dog. 

 

These situations are extremely common. Many folks refuse to be sensible about their limitations.

It’s hard for bystanders, because we want to control the situation. We think we know best. Also, we worry. 

 

It’s so easy to have an accident, to fall over, to have a stroke or get stuck on the floor. Therefore, it’s infuriating when a person refuses to be sensible.

 

In many families, the kids and the others burn out. They try and try, and eventually give up. It’s a dreadful situation. 

 

I hope that when my time comes, I have enough money to buy check-ins and support. Hopefully, I’ll also have the sense to accept I need it. 

 

However it works, ageing is not easy, for ourselves and the people we love. When it goes wrong because an oldie refuses help, we can make it easier by refusing to blame. 

 

Accepting that many things cannot be fixed is a step towards kindness.

"I’m Not Toxic, I’m Honest! You Don’t Want Me To Be Fake, Do You?" Love, Learned Wrong: How Abusive Homes and Childhoods Teach Us to Sabotage Our Relationships in Later Life

Suze is a sweetheart at work—kind, caring, and respectful. But when she comes home and Ted is excited about finally making the perfect pasta dinner for them, Suze shrugs and shuts him down.  

Ted is hurt and says so. “I spent an hour making this. Why can’t you say something nice?”  
“I don’t care what I eat,” Suze says. “You don’t want me to be fake, do you?”  

A week later, Suze is shocked that Ted has packed his bags and is leaving her.  

What’s going on here? It may be that Suze just doesn’t like Ted, has no manners, and didn’t think to tell him she wanted out of the relationship.  

However, if Suze comes from a difficult or dysfunctional family, she may have been taught to sabotage her most loving relationships.  

Here’s how that works.

Hard Truths: Understanding ‘Respect’ in Abusive Families

Difficult, dysfunctional, toxic or abuse families come in all kinds of flavours.  However, many of them will teach their kids the same lesson:  you must respect me but I will not respect you.

Suze was taught to respect all older people, no matter what.
“If your aunt calls you fat and stupid, just smile.”
“I can scream insults at you but you are never allowed to be in a bad mood.”
“Don’t do as I do; do as I tell you.”

Also, Suze learned some powerful lessons about her feelings.

When Suze was 6, she got an A for art. Her dad said,
“Yeah, well, so what. It’s not going to earn you money, is it?”
When Suze cried and showed she was upset, her dad said,
“I’m your father and I’m giving you good advice.”

When Suze was 9, she tried on a princess dress and loved it. Her mum said,
“You’re too fat to wear that.”
When Suze cried and was upset, her mum said,
“Family always tell each other the truth.”

From this, Suze learned:
•    It’s okay to hurt the people close to you.
•    Cruelty is honest.   
•    When you’re powerful, being vicious is acceptable.

So when Suze goes out into the world, she treats her loved ones with disdain, disrespect or even cruelty and calls it ‘being honest’. And then she wonders why she loses friends and can’t sustain a loving relationship.

Breaking the Cycle: How to Heal Generational Trauma

If your partner is a Suze

If you live with a Suze, you may want to leave. That’s a valid choice. Nobody should put up with abuse and nastiness.  

If you are willing to give them a chance for change, sit them down and have a good talk.  

Define the unwanted behaviour, define the wanted behaviour, set a deadline by which you want to see change, and send them to me so they get help making the change.  

Be compassionate, but be careful. Being abusive is nice because you get to do what you want. Be careful you’re not rewarding token efforts or enabling unacceptable behaviour.

If you are the toxic partner

If you are the Suze: breathe!  Also, if you have a nasty narrator in your head, tell her to shove off while we talk.

Here are some truths:
•    Kids learn by copying the adults around them. It’s how humans work.
•    Everyone is a mess of good and not so good.
•    As we grow up, we begin to analyse our values and behaviour.
•    Sometimes you’ll look at some of your values and behaviour and think, “I’m going to call that a feature and keep it” and some others you’ll say, “Yikes! That I want to change.”
•    All human beings are a constant self-improvement project.
•    Change takes insight and effort.  First, human beings resist change. Second, thoughts, values and behaviour are linked.  To change how you act, you need to understand how you think.
•    We often underestimate how many skills we have. This is because we tend to limit ourselves depending on different environments. For example, Suze is friendly at work so she has good social and respect skills. All she has to do is transfer them to her home life.

Change is easier when you have professional support. That’s where I come in.

I can help you turbocharge the process, helping you achieve your goals with ease.  When you’re ready to become the best version of yourself, drop me a note. You deserve to be happy 🌟

Image by Mo Farrelly at Pixabay