"I’m Not Toxic, I’m Honest! You Don’t Want Me To Be Fake, Do You?" Love, Learned Wrong: How Abusive Homes and Childhoods Teach Us to Sabotage Our Relationships in Later Life

Suze is a sweetheart at work—kind, caring, and respectful. But when she comes home and Ted is excited about finally making the perfect pasta dinner for them, Suze shrugs and shuts him down.  

Ted is hurt and says so. “I spent an hour making this. Why can’t you say something nice?”  
“I don’t care what I eat,” Suze says. “You don’t want me to be fake, do you?”  

A week later, Suze is shocked that Ted has packed his bags and is leaving her.  

A shattered heart is hard to mend

What’s going on here? It may be that Suze just doesn’t like Ted, has no manners, and didn’t think to tell him she wanted out of the relationship.  

However, if Suze comes from a difficult or dysfunctional family, she may have been taught to sabotage her most loving relationships.  

Here’s how that works.

Hard Truths: Understanding ‘Respect’ in Abusive Families

Difficult, dysfunctional, toxic or abuse families come in all kinds of flavours.  However, many of them will teach their kids the same lesson:  you must respect me but I will not respect you. 

That may sound like:
“If your aunt calls you fat and stupid, just smile.”
“Don’t do as I do; do as I tell you.”

The Suzes of this world learn:
•    It’s okay to hurt the people close to you.
•    Cruelty is honest.   
•    When you’re powerful, being vicious is acceptable.

So these Suzes grow up, treat their loved ones badly and call it ‘being honest.’

Then they wonder why they can’t keep friends and partners.

Breaking the Cycle: How to Heal Generational Trauma

If your partner is a Suze

If you live with a Suze, you may want to leave. That’s a valid choice. Nobody should put up with abuse and nastiness.  

If you are willing to give them a chance for change, sit them down and have a good talk.  

Define the unwanted behaviour, define the wanted behaviour, set a deadline by which you want to see change, and send them to me so they get help making the change.  

Be compassionate, but be careful. Being abusive is rewarding and addictive because you get to do what you want. Be careful you’re not rewarding token efforts or enabling unacceptable behaviour.

If you are the toxic partner

If you are the Suze: breathe!  

You can change. 

Effective change comes from understanding your thoughts and actions, planning for change and then making the change. 

While the principles are simple, making these changes can be difficult because of false beliefs, self-sabotaging behaviour, and other issues.

Change is easier when you have professional support. That’s where I come in.

Ready to turbocharge the process, helping you achieve your goals with ease and become the best version of yourself?  Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation. You deserve to be happy 🌟