The Gene Hackman and Betsy Arakawa deaths sparked a lot of ‘what were the kids doing’ posts. I think it’s important to share an observation: we have very little control over others, even when they make poor decisions.
We have had these discussions in my family and I have clients who have struggled with this issue too.
When an old person is difficult or makes terrible choices, one cannot simply order them about.
You can’t force someone to see a doctor, take their medication, or even take up the offer of you sending a regular cleaner. When an adult says they don’t want your help or your advice, that is the end of the matter.
There is one exception: being declared non compos mentis, or incapable of making rational decisions, perhaps due to dementia or other illness.
However, the bar for this is extremely high and it costs a fortune. Going to court and asking a judge to take away someone’s rights is incredibly difficult. And rightly so. Freedom is precious.
Mr Hackman had dementia but Ms Arakawa did not. That means the couple made their own choices.
They chose to be reclusive, even though they could afford help. That was a poor choice. Even a twice a week check-in would have saved one of them, and their poor dog.
These situations are extremely common. Many folks refuse to be sensible about their limitations.
It’s hard for bystanders, because we want to control the situation. We think we know best. Also, we worry.
It’s so easy to have an accident, to fall over, to have a stroke or get stuck on the floor. Therefore, it’s infuriating when a person refuses to be sensible.
In many families, the kids and the others burn out. They try and try, and eventually give up. It’s a dreadful situation.
I hope that when my time comes, I have enough money to buy check-ins and support. Hopefully, I’ll also have the sense to accept I need it.
However it works, ageing is not easy, for ourselves and the people we love. When it goes wrong because an oldie refuses help, we can make it easier by refusing to blame.
Accepting that many things cannot be fixed is a step towards kindness.
