Here we are, in the final article of the series, The Truth About Abuse.
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| You can heal |
So, the question targets typically ask in the very first session is this:
“Am I sending out a signal that invites abuse?”
The answer is a definitive No. You are not 'asking for it' in any shape or form. Abusive people go through life hurting others; they choose their behaviour. So, if you are hurt by someone, that’s on them, not you.
Why do we think that way? There are many reasons. Here are the most important:
Just World Syndrome
We are told, “If you are good, good things will happen to you.” We tell kids that working hard pays off because we want to instill good habits.
In small ways, ‘being good’ pays off! If you study, you’re more likely to pass an exam. If you look before you cross a busy street, you're less likely to be run over. This creates the 'Just World' belief: that you are responsible for what happens to you.
The truth is that bad things happen to good people. Life is filled with challenge. Life is often unfair. But when you’re having a hard time, this childhood belief that somehow you must be able to fix that is hard to shake.
Just world syndrome also leads to victim blaming. When you are bullied or abused, bystanders will say, “but you must have done something to deserve it.” It’s not true.
On top of that, abusers can be very clever. Some are excellent at acting the victim while abusing you. (DARVO). This reinforces the confusion and the gaslighting.
Abuse is Taught and Normalised
In some places, abuse is normalised. If you grew up with a dysfunctional family, for example, where shouting, insults, the silent treatment, and other abusive tactics were used against you, you may then act the same way as an adult.
If you have had a bad boss, you may unconsciously copy their behaviour when you're promoted. This is different from the seasoned abuser who deliberately weaponises these tactics.
Intimidation, blaming, gaslighting and other abusive behaviour can be very rewarding, so it’s tempting to copy it. But in the end, it will backfire. Nobody loves a bully.
Abusers are Clever Predators
Finally, abusers can be very good at looking perfectly normal. Remember, the honeymoon period is their hook. They hide their real selves at first.
Tigers have stripes for a reason: they help them blend. Abusers are predators, too. Like the tiger, they choose their environment, their target, and they are good at not being caught.
Scientists studying violence talk about the Social Ecological Model (SEM) and Routine Activity Theory (RAT). Here is a super simplified overview that would horrify scientists but never mind: it will work for us!
Abusers look out for:
- Vulnerable People. Like the poor, the sick, the elderly or very young. Basically, anyone who can be exploited.
- Toxic Group Settings. Abusers can spot toxic family dynamics and nasty peer groups where you might find targets who have problems with boundaries or who are frightened of disagreement.
- Abusive Communities. Toxic organizations and job roles with lots of power and little accountability provide a safe environment for abusers.
- Toxic Cultures. Communities where corruption is common, and inequality is accepted or even part of legislation, are very attractive to abusers.
Abusers often work in charities, law enforcement, religious organisations, schools, care homes, and prisons, anywhere you may find vulnerable people. As we put in more rules designed to catch them, they up their game. As global travel has become more common, abusers will travel to find communities rich with victims.
Bottom Line & Your Next Step
Abuse is a complex issue, but the path forward is simple:
- For Targets: If you are or were a target, you can heal and reclaim your life.
- For the Abusive Person: If you recognize the pattern of abusive choice in your life and are ready to stop it, take full responsibility, and face difficult truths, know that change is possible.
Ready to Start? Schedule a Confidential Consultation.
If you are a Target seeking Healing:
It is not your fault. It is time to focus on your recovery and a future built on respect and peace.
If you are ready to stop Abusive Choices:
The pattern stops with you. Take responsibility for your actions and break the cycle for good.
Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.
Caveat Text Here: Please note that as a sole practitioner, I am not an emergency service. If you are in crisis or require immediate assistance, please contact your local emergency services or a crisis helpline.
