It’s not stress. It’s not ‘bad childhoods.’ Those can be factors, but they don’t cause abuse. Abusers make choices, and those choices are about power.
A question that comes up repeatedly in therapy is, “But why are they abusive?”
I’ll talk about this in a moment, but I’d like to start with a controversial statement: if you are in an abusive relationship, the why doesn’t matter.
When a truck runs over your foot, your bones break. What matters is getting out of the way.
If you’re in an abusive relationship, the goal is to get out, quickly, safely and to avoid broken bones.
But relationships are not straightforward. We feel tied to each other, through history, emotions, obligation, guilt, fear, or even love and compassion.
Also, when we process a relationship, understanding the mechanics can help us heal.
So here are some of the whys.
Are Abusers Sick?
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| Abuse is learned and can be changed |
A very small number of people are born with personality disorders. You will hear people on TikTok talking about narcissists and sociopaths. That information is typically not reliable.
Some people have diagnosable conditions that make empathy difficult. Labels can help people using abusive behaviour identify patterns and seek change. However, labels aren’t necessary for healing when you’ve been a target.
In fact, labelling is a controversial subject. Check out, Dr James Davies: The Origins of the DSM and Psychiatric diagnosis 'scientifically meaningless.'
My view: I think labels are tricky, especially as science is constantly evolving.
Over the past ten years, I’ve worked with around 500 people dealing with abuse. Some were targets, some were abusive, and some were both.
Only one did not see other people as having feelings. He was genuinely frightening.
Everyone else understood that others have emotions. Among those using abusive behaviour, many changed; some chose not to. Why? Because the behaviour delivers short-term rewards.
This is a complex subject, so if you want a very long read with two dozen excellent follow-on references, check out this 2023 overview paper On power and its corrupting effects: the effects of power on human behavior and the limits of accountability systems
But here are the basics.
How Power Affects the Brain and Body
Brain imaging studies show that power and dominance can activate reward/motivation circuits, such as getting a feel-good rush of chemicals such as dopamine. It also reduces perspective-taking in some people.
For some, it may be that their brains are pre-wired this way.
However, abusive behaviour also changes how the brain works.
If we keep choosing it, we can activate the brain's reward and motivation systems, and get that feel-good rush. As it feels good, we want more.
Power truly is addictive.
As abusive behaviours can also shut down brain areas related to empathy, it kickstarts a cycle where the more antisocial and aggressive we are, the less we care about others.
In extreme cases, we dehumanize others, seeing them as objects or tools to be used.
How Abusers Feel
Choosing abusive behaviour as a pattern has various dangerous effects.
It fuels entitlement. It makes them feel special and above the rules. It is linked to greed, cheating, lying, and breaking the law.
The power rush also promotes hypocrisy. Serial abusers often push the mantra, “Don’t do as I do, do as I say.” Kicker? They often develop a false sense of moral superiority.
Interestingly, power need not be loud. (see previous article on how abuse works)
Performative victimhood (faking or exaggerating harm to control others) is a tactic some perpetrators use. That is not the same as genuine victimisation!
Some abusers learn that acting hurt, helps them gain status and helps them punish others.
How Abusers Learn Their Craft
We all have the capacity for bad behaviour.
If you say no to a toddler, for example, they will whine, “But I waaaaaaant it!” If you give in, they learn an important lesson: if they scream, they’ll get what they want.
Are toddlers evil? Nope.
A toddler isn’t abusive; the point is we learn early that pressure can help us get our way fast. This is why parenting involves teaching toddlers good manners and empathy.
People using abusive behaviour don’t learn those skills. Instead, they learn how to push other people around. They might learn it if:
- Abuse is normalised in their culture
- Abuse is normalised in their family
- They follow an influencer who teaches them
- They see a partner, boss or peer do it
- They read a book about it
- They do it by accident, profit from it, so repeat it
And once they start, it is rewarding, so they do more and more of it.
“They Can’t Help It” Is a Dangerous Myth
Bob is a fantastic salesman who gets on well with the C-suite. The second he walks into his own home, he’s a tyrant. If Peggy doesn’t do exactly what Bob wants when he wants, Bob lashes out.
Kitty’s family are on tenterhooks because Kitty will break down, lash out and threaten to hurt herself at the least little upset. But when Kitty is out and about with her church group, she is a delight.
People using abusive behaviour can control themselves perfectly well when they want to. They just choose not to treat you well.
Being abusive means some short-term rewards:
But it also comes at a cost: it kills love, alienates your family and friends, destroys your reputation, and eventually you will be alone and likely rather unhappy.
Quick thought: if you recognise yourself here, please know you’re not doomed. You can stop, take ownership, repair harm, and learn new skills. It’s uncomfortable but totally doable. I’ll write about that next time.
Judging Is Key
We all catch ourselves being manipulative. Like we might deliberately flatter someone because we want them to go easy on us, or we pretend to be a bit helpless so someone else will do it for us.
It’s not a big deal. We all have a little bit of toddler inside.
But abuse is different. If you’re okay with hurting others because you think they don’t matter, or because you matter more, or because you think your enjoyment is more important than their comfort, you have a problem. (But don’t panic! It’s fixable and we talk about that next time.)
And if you’re in a relationship with someone who thinks that way, don’t become focussed on why, just make sure you don’t have all the bones in your feet broken.
You don’t need to do this alone. Talk to your national domestic violence hotline, a therapist skilled in recovery from abuse – me!
Next in the series: You Can’t ‘Work on It’ Together — why abuse isn’t a “relationship problem” you can fix as a couple.
