After working with over 500 abuse cases across 20+ countries, I can tell you this: if you're questioning whether what you're experiencing is 'real abuse,' you need to read this.
Abuse isn't just 'being mean' or 'losing your temper.' It's a calculated pattern of control that most people don't recognize until it's already trapped them.
How Abuse Works: The Two Cycles You Need to Know
Everyone fights. Everyone has upsets. Abuse is different. The difference could determine whether you stay stuck or break free.
When Kevin met Sally, she was amazing, clever, and funny. They laughed for hours. But Sally has a temper and high standards. She says he's not as clever as he thinks, criticises his work, and when they moved in, she handled the money because "he's not competent." A year later, Kevin's on pocket-money and miserable, but he avoids rocking the boat because Sally gets angry. And sometimes, she's amazing, loving, and funny again. He thinks if he worked harder, they'd be happy all the time.
Siti thinks Mo is caring and sensitive. He's generous and spoils her with dinners and holidays. But he says she's too heavy, so she works out daily while he tracks her progress. She hides eating lunch because it will upset him. Mo has a history of anxiety and depression, so she worries upsetting him could make him ill or suicidal. His ex cheated on him, and when Siti goes out, he worries she will too. Siti quits dance and work socials. She misses her friends and fun, but Mo is so good to her! And anyway, love means making sacrifices.
These examples represent the typical trends I notice in my therapy practice: the slow loss of personal freedom that is hidden by what seems like love or support.
Abuse is a pattern of behaviour where one person establishes power over their target. They want to control them. Recognising these dynamics requires specialised knowledge. In my practice, I help clients identify these patterns and develop strategies to reclaim their autonomy.
Although we often focus on how some men abuse women, it is truly an issue that can affect anyone at any time.
Abuse is about power. It's controversial, and it's complex. This is why working with a therapist trained in abuse dynamics is crucial. Someone who is not trained often misses these subtle control mechanisms.
A lot of the research is cultural, focuses on a particular time, or has gender bias. I've observed these dynamics in my clinical work, across varied groups and relationships. Also, as we change, human dynamics change too.
In short, there is no 'truth.' My view is that the more you know, the more informed your decisions.
In this series, we'll take a deep dive into abuse, so you can make informed decisions about your mental health.
Abuse = Two Cycles Working Together
The inner cycle: Power and Control (adapted from the Duluth Model)
The outer cycle: Honeymoon-Explosion-Make-up cycle
Power and Control
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| Tactics abusers use |
Effect: You become afraid of their anger. You stop communicating honestly and start walking on eggshells.
Effect: Chips away your self-esteem so you're more vulnerable.
Effect: Confuses you and makes you question your own sanity.
Effect: Extends emotional abuse by claiming society agrees you're awful.
Subtle form: Constant texts or calls when you go out, demands for proof of where you are, and fights when you return.
Effect: Cuts you off from support so the abuser can control you without interference.
Effect: Without money, it's harder to leave.
Effect: Uses fear to silence you and keep you compliant.
Kids: "You have to stay! Mum/Dad is crying."
Abuse is tricky because it doesn't always look the same. For example, if you are trafficked, your abuser may get you hooked on drugs - because that is easier than just threatening you.
Also, abusers don't always use violence. Some act like martyrs, make themselves ill, or act helpless.
• A mum who has palpitations when you don't do what she wants.
• A dad who refuses to take his medication unless you are there.
• A partner who will not feed the dog when you're out.
• An ex-alcoholic who will drink if you aren't there.
- They're just as controlling as a person who hits you.
Many of my clients initially dismiss non-physical abuse as 'not that bad.' Learning to recognise covert control tactics is specialised work that can literally save your life.
If you recognise multiple tactics from this wheel in your relationship, it's time to get professional support. These patterns rarely improve without intervention.
The Outer Cycle: Honeymoon-Explosion-Make-up
Honeymoon Phase
If it's a romantic relationship, they promise to change-therapy, long talks, big declarations.
If it's family, they remind you of their "generosity" and insist you're the problem.
At work, a colleague or boss may use either strategy.
It's all a ruse. The nice-nasty routine is designed to keep you off balance and clinging to the hope that one day it will be perfect forever.
Reality
Abuse is a pattern of behaviour that sucks you in and drains you. It rarely kicks off at full speed; it's usually a process.
By the time the abuser has you hooked in tight:
o You're scared to speak your mind.
o You feel bad about yourself.
o You're isolated from help.
o You believe you have no way out.
But there is a way out, and it starts with getting the right support.
I've helped clients recognise these patterns and develop safety strategies. Understanding the mechanics is the first step toward breaking free.
Breaking free from abusive patterns requires understanding how they work and developing personalised safety strategies. I provide specialised online therapy for abuse recovery, helping clients worldwide recognise these dynamics and reclaim their lives. If these patterns feel familiar, don't wait - book a consultation to discuss how therapy can help you break the cycle.
Next in the series: No Bruises? It's Still Abuse - why emotional and verbal harm is just as real as physical violence.
