Reviews Are Killing Your Happiness. How To Build Resilience, Reduce Anxiety and Put Some Adventure Into Your Life

Online reviews can be useful for avoiding crooks but they also fuel mental health issues, including anxiety and low resilience.

If you compare living in 1980 (yes, I'm that old!) to living in 2023, there's a huge difference: there is very little spontaneity.

Too much information isn't good for your health

Deciding where to eat

1980s lunch: walk past a new place, like the look of it and go in – or your friend calls to say let's check it out

2023: Google for reviews, to see the menu, then check influencer opinion, maybe Google the owner or the chef, see if anyone you know has been and what they say – oh, and TripAdvisor

 

Picking a hotel for a week's holiday

1980: look at a travel brochure that lists a dozen or so hotels there and pick the one with the prettiest picture and a price tag you can afford.

2023: Google all hotels and airbnbs, check the different room photos, work out how far local attractions are, see what food they offer and read the top ten good reviews and the top bottom reviews on Google and TripAdvisor, then check Twitter and Insta

The Pros of Checking Online Reviews

Online reviews give us a sense of security. Reading reviews means we can predict what kind of experience we are likely to have and therefore it is easier to avoid poor experiences.  

What's great is that if you are making a big investment, like buying a car or luxury holiday, you are less likely to pick a model or destination that doesn't work for you.

Hyper focus on positives has consequences

How Checking Online Reviews Impacts on Mental Health

What sucks is that we hyper focus on having only joyful or positive experiences.

We are so keen to avoid anything uncomfortable or neutral, that we become less adventurous. We actively avoid taking chances, so we end up removing potential fun and adventure out of life.

Also, it is massively time consuming. You may spend more time fixating on finding the perfect dinner or hotel than you do eating at the restaurant or spending on your holiday.

Hassan won't go to a new restaurant unless it rates a 4+ over more than fifty reviews – and misses out on the 3 star coffee shop that does noodles just the way he loves them.

Jenny spent four evenings checking for rooms with sea views before booking her long weekend break at the beach – time that she could have spent having fun

Maura checks the reviews for every coffee shop in the new mall before deciding where to meet her friends for a trip the cinema – overkill much? It's just coffee!

Bill visits new pubs recommended by influencers even though he walks past two new places on his way to work – missing out on adventure and experiences

Finally, checking reviews is really about trying to control our environment. That is poor strategy because the world is complex. We cannot predict everything, it's not possible.  

As a result, trying and failing to control our environment fuels our anxiety and reduces resilience. We are less good at navigating neutral or poor experiences. So our coping skills suffer. In addition, the false belief "If I'd googled better I would be having a 5 star time" adds to our discomfort, piling on irrational blame and guilt.

Mental Health Boost: How To Add Adventure To Your Life

Gong Xi Fa Cai!

So for the Year of the Rabbit, I suggest you embrace adventure. Introduce a bit of 1980 into your life:

·         Go to the mall and eat in the third restaurant you see.

·         Go to the cinema and see whatever is on first.

·         In a restaurant you know, try the dish you've never had before.

·         When you walk past a new place, go in.

Live a little, learn to have a good laugh at stuff that doesn't work out perfectly well.  Embrace life!

Gong Xi Fa Cai! May the Year of the Rabbit bring you lots of good luck and health, prosperity and love.

Need friendly, professional support? Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.

Images by Public Domain,  Raka C. and Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

The Secret To Building New Habits. How To Train Your Brain

Our brains are resistant to change

It's the new year and this time we're going to get fit, read a book a week, eat healthily and…. Hang on, are you getting a sense of déjà vu?

New beginnings can inspire, but very often the impulse soon loses steam. And before you know it, all that rah-rah converts into guilt with a touch of shame as we worry we don't have enough willpower.

Here's how you can tweak a bit to help you make effective change.

We Are Designed To Resist Change

We like to think that we are powerful beings who are completely in control. As part of that story, we tell ourselves that all it takes to change a habit is to have the right mindset.

That's probably not entirely true.

The world is complex and dangerous, yet our species survives very well. One theory is that we are so fantastic at surviving because we have some inbuilt approaches that guide our thinking and behaviour.

This includes our tendency to think familiar= safe and unfamiliar=suspicious.

This works great when you're embracing your safe, familiar hunting ground on the plain and avoiding those amazing looking woods teeming with snakes.

It's not so hot when 'familiar' is snacking while watching Netflix and 'unfamiliar' is that spin class you signed up for.

Soooo, accept that building new habits isn't really about your morals or willpower; it's about overcoming millions of years of programming.

Rule #1 Dump the guilt. It's a waste of time.

Rule #2 Dump your punishment mindset

Many of us unconsciously adopt a punishment mindset. That sucks for a lot of reasons. Let me explain:

Supposing you are helping 10-year-old Suzie exercise more. If she goes for a walk three days in a row and then misses a day, would you tell her she's a lazy cow and useless?

Of course not.

If someone did call her names, what effect would that have on Suzie?

It would make her feel awful about herself and it would drain her motivation.

You wouldn't try to terrorise a kid or your friend, so treat yourself with the same kindness.

The secret to creating the right mindset for positive change is Motivate Yourself By Connecting With Your Personal Values

You're not a serial killer, right? You haven't launched genocide lately? Then you're probably a good person. Not perfect, but mostly good with a bit of gnarly here and there.

To give yourself a motivation boost, connect with your values.

For example: I'm exercising because I value my body and my health
Or, I'm exercising because feeling strong and flexible makes me happy

Rule #3 Disrupt your programming by making your brain view the new desired behaviour as more familiar.

The trick lies in keeping it SMALL and EASY.  Ideally, you tack a teeny bit of the new stuff onto a behaviour you already have and enjoy.

For example, when you like to snack in front of the TV, you do so, BUT while you're sitting down, you do ten left leg lifts and then ten right leg lifts. You do this once a night for a week.

Pro Tip: set your phone to remind you to do this. Or do it during the credits of a programme.

It's not difficult, and before you know it, you'll be exercising those legs automatically.

By February, buy a set of super cheap half kilo hand weights. Add ten lifts so you exercise your upper body.

By March, you're feeling pretty good about yourself, so you bookmark a few two-minute stretch workouts on YouTube. You do one or two a week.

Rule #4 You reinforce the behaviour you want

If you're not anxious or depressed, and you like to journal, then go ahead.

Another way is to buy a set of fridge magnets. Make a bet with yourself: for every two-minute YouTube workout you do, you move a magnet into the win area.

Seeing yourself win will give you a boost. Supercharge is by promising yourself a reward; twenty of those and you treat yourself to one of your favourite things.

Little changes add up

Rule #5 Slow is successful

When you have a teeny bit of change going on, it adds up. Think of it like compound interest.

By April you should be feeling pretty fit. That's when you check out some bigger exercise project.

Don't go for a gym membership yet!  Try a short programme, something limited. Also, it has be something you love!

Maybe you want to go for a dive class. Or perhaps you sign up for ten dance lessons.

Whatever it is, you'll be a lot fitter already, so you'll have extra energy. When you go for that extra exercise, you'll enjoy it more.

And that enjoyment will have you going back. <- that is success!

Extra help: Find a supporting angel

Learning curves are slippery!  We do well and then we slide a bit and then we do well again.

As your brain will try to reset to old and familiar, it helps to have a person cheerlead when you're doing well, and to offer comfort and support when you're sliding.

That's where I come in. I can help you work out a plan of action and map out proper motivation and support. Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation. 

Images by John Hain and Kevin Schneider from Pixabay

The Secret to Managing Anxiety? Sometimes You Just Need a Good Fart Joke. Book Review: Silent but Deadly By Kirsten Bell

Silent But Deadly Book Review

The Secret to Managing Anxiety? Sometimes You Just Need a Good Fart Joke.

In my work helping clients manage anxiety, depression, and complex trauma (PTSD/cPTSD), we spend a lot of time talking about the crushing weight of keeping up appearances. We are all policing our thoughts, our emotions, and our bodies, trying desperately not to mess up.

That’s why I absolutely loved Kirsten Bell’s hilarious book, Silent But Deadly.  It’s an anthropological romp that dives straight into the "un-askable" questions of polite society: why do we laugh when someone rips one? Why are Americans obsessed with body odor? And what’s with the British obsession with dogs? 
 

Bell is an Australian social anthropologist (and Visiting Professor at King's College London, so she knows her stuff), and she delivers a straight-up, no-messing-about, laugh-out-loud analysis. 

Why I’m Recommending a Book on Taboos to My Serious Clients:

It’s Permission to be Human: The core of anxiety and cPTSD is often a terrifying fear of being "found out" or judged. Bell’s analysis is a brilliant, funny antidote. By showing how ridiculous and arbitrary social "rules" are—from which words are acceptable to which bodily functions must be hidden—she gives you permission to laugh at the pressure and loosen the reins on that exhausting self-control.

A Healthy Break from Heavy Topics: Healing depression and trauma is deep, serious work. Sometimes, the most therapeutic thing you can do is engage your curiosity and find some joy. This book is a delightful way to activate the lighter side of your brain without abandoning the critical thinking your professional mind craves.

The Power of Impeccable Insight (with Giggles): While you're giggling at her Tom Sharpe-esque wit, Bell is sliding in a tonne of information. She’s funny, smart, and her notes are impeccable—the perfect mix of authority and accessibility. It shows you that deep insight doesn't have to feel like a heavy academic burden.

The Takeaway for Your Mental Health:
Silent But Deadly is a five-star delight and an excellent reminder that beneath the lawyer, the doctor, or the manager, we are all just complicated, slightly smelly humans subject to weird cultural rules.

Reading this and ready to move past the "silent but deadly" fear of judgment and start living with more authentic freedom? Email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 me, and we set up a free 15 minute chat.

Can You Trust Therapy Ratings? Why High Ratings Might Be a Warning Sign

What you need to know about ratings and therapy

Ratings are everywhere. From finding my dentist and GP to choosing a taxi or a restaurant, online reviews are the standard. Clients looking for therapists want to see them too. When they see a therapist with no ratings, they wonder if something is wrong; a therapist with lots of five-star reviews seems amazing.

It may seem counterintuitive, but if you want a good therapist, look for someone who has only a handful of ratings. This is because therapy ratings are generally misleading and often dangerous. Here’s why.

Privacy, Ethics, and The Data Minefield

We’re getting better about talking things out, but for many, mental health issues remain taboo. Working internationally, I know that being known as a person who is depressed, anxious, or seeking help can affect your livelihood. You can be passed over for promotions, and families may insist on ending relationships if they discover someone is in therapy.

It’s not fair, but it’s how things are. Decent mental health practitioners do their utmost to ensure privacy. I am focussed on keeping things super private: I do all my own paperwork. My peers worry about this, too. They fire gossiping staff and keep client records inaccessible.

This commitment means we are extremely careful with listings. Contact information is fine, but ratings are tricky because they automatically identify clients.

Your Data Is Worth Millions (Literally)

Your data is worth money!

Wellness apps and big companies gather client information to share or sell it for profit. This happens all the time. BetterHelp Mental Health App was fined $7.8 million for selling client information to Facebook, Instagram, and other corporations. They are not the only ones; mental health sites do it, hospitals do it, and online services lose it on a regular basis even in countries with lots of regulation like the UK.

A happy client may fill out a private feedback form thinking it's anonymous, but a week later, the PR department or some drug company is texting or phoning with special offers. The people who design these systems do it for money; they don’t care about our ethics.

Today, therapists must have online profiles, and that means ratings. Clients expect them. It’s natural because they are focused on finding a good therapist, not on the privacy risks. Because of this, it is now part of our ethics to tell clients how reviews may affect their privacy.

The Problem with Misleading Reviews

The Nature of the Work

Psychology is a blend of art and science. Most clients are happy, but sometimes there is an occasional mismatch. Usually, we adjust the approach or I help the client find a better fit. Very occasionally, someone is unhappy. One-star unhappy. Feeling disappointed is perfectly human.

The truth is, therapy means working with people who are often in deep distress, sometimes dealing with anger, personality disorders, or addiction issues. I handle this with professionalism, care, and a good dose of patience.

Fake Reviews and Con Artists

I found my dentist and doctor through reviews

People who are unwell can react in difficult ways when upset.  This includes stalking,accusations of mistreatment and so on. It can be quite frightening. Interestingly, it is impossible to tell a fake one-star review from a real one.

For example, a respected colleague had a perfectly proper-looking one-star review that was completely untrue. The client wrote, “he didn’t bother talking to me or listening,” when the case was, “when I demanded drugs, he talked rehab instead of offering to be my supplier.”

There's another issue, too: Con artists coerce and pay for reviews. One of the most notorious con artists in Malaysia has over 100 reviews. He runs his own ‘courses’ and ‘association,’ and if you sign up, you have to rate him at five stars. Because it’s not illegal to pretend to be a psychologist, there’s no stopping him or his friends. 

Putting it all together, mental health service reviews are a minefield.

What Can You Do?

To find a safe, ethical practitioner, I suggest:

• Avoid extremes: Too many reviews often signals a con artist or a practitioner who prioritizes marketing over client safety. I avoid anyone who nets more than six reviews a year.
• Look beyond the stars: Consider that some one-star reviews may be inaccurate and reflect a client’s distress, not the therapist’s competence.
• Find their voice: If the number of reviews is reassuringly low, look for a blog or social media account. This lets you see how they think and work.
• Test their ethics: Ask if they want a five-star review in the first session. A proper answer would be a cautious thank you, followed by a short chat about the privacy implications. If they don't offer this, run!

How I Work with Ratings

Therapy is about connecting

I finally listed on Google this year, in 2025, and frankly, I agonised over it. I wrote a note about privacy and told my clients about the listing. I was grateful that many shared the listing, and a few wrote reviews.

I see about 60 to 80 different clients a month and I have 6 reviews. I am still in two minds because I’m very invested in privacy, but I can't work unless I have some reviews. So I’m choosing to be grateful.

To see if my service suits you, I offer a free 15-minute first chat where we discuss your therapy goals, confidentiality, and other terms. That way, you can make an informed decision based on connection, not just stars.

Originally written in 2022 when I was practising in Malaysia. Updated in 2025 to reflect continuing global privacy and ethics issues in mental health including recent UK data scandals and misuse of client information. 

 

Understanding And Managing Anxiety: A Survival Guide

WHO: 1 in 8 people suffer from anxiety

Anxiety is a feeling of dread that comes from knowing there’s something difficult ahead. Sometimes it can be an actual event, like an angry customer, an important exam, or a public speaking event. Anxiety can also pop up just because of a random thought.

While it’s normal to feel a touch of anxiety here and there, it can be bothersome. In addition, anxiety disorders are on the rise.

In 2019, the World Health Organisation found that 301 million people were living with an anxiety disorder, including 58 million children and adolescents. During the Covid-19 pandemic, they estimate this number increased by 26-28%.

If you have anxiety, know you’re not alone! Also, you need not suffer. Anxiety can be upsetting but there are ways to manage it.

What Is Anxiety?

Anxiety is a stress reaction. Mild anxiety typically includes quicker breathing, a rapid heartbeat, and tense muscles. Moderate and severe anxiety can also make you feel sweaty, give you an upset stomach, cause rashes and more.

Anxiety can be really useful, like if you’re about to start an exam, it can help you focus. But anxiety can also overwhelm–and it can feel bad!

Why Do We Have Anxiety?

Anxiety is a stress reaction that comes from your brain and body trying to look after you.

How does that work? Human beings are optimized to survive.

Our ancient ancestors lived in caves and huts, battling six-meter-long giant monitor lizards and three-meter-tall cave bears. With giant predators, you don’t want to hang about thinking what to do.

As a result, we developed efficient AUTOMATIC survival systems.

Although we’re not battling giant animals anymore, our brains and bodies have kept the ancient systems.   

How Your Body Works When Anxious

As your stress levels rise, your brain preps for disaster. It works to make you quick and strong.

Peter Weller as RoboCop (1987)

What you may notice is that your breathing speeds up. Your lungs suck in oxygen and dump it into your bloodstream. Your heart pumps fast, powering oxygen-rich blood throughout your body. That oxygen powers your muscles.  

What you don’t notice is that your brain switches off all the systems it doesn’t need for now: digestion, growth and reproduction.

What you do notice is that because your body works away, you overheat–so you sweat to cool yourself down.

Plus, another thing you don’t consciously notice is that your brain dumps stress chemicals into your system. They’re designed to make you super sharp and efficient.

Result: you’re geared up better than RoboCop for trouble. The thing is: there’s no cave bear to fight.

How to Manage Anxiety

You can’t poke your brain with a Q-Tip and tell it to stop.

Luckily, you can disrupt the auto-system.

Step #1 How To Breathe To Fight Panic

The key is to take it really slowly. Inhale through your nose over a count of two or three, hold your breath for a further count of two or three, and then exhale slowly–yes, over a count of two or three.

Remember that at this point your body and brain are trying to hit overdrive. So when you mess with that, your brain will recalibrate and then put on the brakes.

Step #2 Give It Five Minutes

Getting your brain to power down will take time.

Take three or four super slow breaths, then give your body time to get itself together. It may take up to five or even fifteen minutes.

Here are some nice ways to distract your mind so your body and brain can get on with the slow-down back to normal:

·         Have a cup of tea.

·         Listen to some cheerful music.

·         Pet the cat or take the dog for a walk.

Also Step #2 Engage in Positive Self-Talk

When your mind goes into overdrive, it can come with negative thoughts. It’s often part of a stress reaction.

If you like, there’s a video that describes how that works here.

If It’s not a huge issue for you, all you need to do is to center yourself.

As long as you’re not a serial killer, you’re probably a perfectly nice person–not perfect, just all kinds of human.

So an affirmation is the way to go. Here’s a good one:

What I’m feeling now is merely my automated system at work. I’m capable and competent. I can handle this.

Take another slow breath.

Step #3 Finish With A Focus On The Present

As you go about petting the cat, Marie Kondo-ing that drawer, or remarking how good your tea is, your stress thoughts will bounce about for a bit.

When you hear them slow down and go, focus on the present.

Counting fives is useful: five colours in the room; five types of square things you see; five things you’d love to do this weekend.

A nice steady flow of positive thoughts will help to ground you, keep you from getting overwhelmed, and push your mind into happier directions.

Final Thought: When To Seek Therapy For Anxiety

The system above should help you manage anxiety. It isn’t an immediate slam-dunk, it will take some practice, but it’s safe, sensible and effective.

To give yourself an extra boost, do some basic background work to leverage and build your resilience:

·         Surround yourself with people who love and support you

·         Sleep 7 to 8 hours a night

·         Eat lots of fresh food and pile on the vegetables

·         Build daily happiness into your life

But, should your anxiety interfere with your daily life or upset you, then seeking help is a sign of strength. Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.

Brain image by John Hain from Pixabay

Can't Find Your Keys? Think You're Losing Your Mind? Don't Panic! It May Be Simple Stress

Stress can mess with your memory

When your memory is shot, you might worry you have an attention disorder. However, it's important not to jump to conclusions.

Daphne can't remember a phone number two minutes after hearing it. She also keeps losing her keys. When she goes to the shops, she has to take a list with her because otherwise she buys everything except for the thing she went out to buy.

Daphne is convinced she has ADD/ADHD. Her attention is messed up, right? And from seeing TikTok videos, she knows that attention disorders are sometimes overlooked.

Social media is terrific for raising awareness. It's also helping people open up and talk about mental health, removing the stigma that has haunted so many of us.

However, social media has some negatives that can sabotage good information.

Understand social media

First, fear and drama sell

It's much easier to attract likes by posting about doom, disaster, struggle and anger than it is to tell a simple story about reasonable people coming together to implement reasonable solutions.

Second, information online has to be bite-sized to be popular.

That's a problem because mental health tends to be complicated. You can't condense a 120 minute Tarantino film into a 22 second summary without losing something.

Third, there is often no quality control, no expert review.  

Sometimes that's okay, especially if it's simple stuff, but with the penchant for fear and drama and the condensing, you can get some very poor-quality information trending.

In the first half of 2022 TikTok was hot on attention disorders. But did you know that poor memory is also linked to depression and anxiety?

Research shows that certain kinds of depression can come with poor memory. Also, certain types of anxiety interfere with memory making. It's not one size fits all, though. There are lots of people with depression who have an excellent memory and the same goes for lots of people with anxiety.

However, studies show that when you combine anxiety and depression, the combination typically wreaks merry hell with memory. And the thing is, you don't need to have severe anxiety or severe depression. It can be as simple as a bit of low mood and a punch of life stress.

Putting it together

So, where does this leave Daphne who keeps losing her keys and being stranded in the supermarket aisle?

Given mental health is complicated, I'd suggest she not look for a quick or easy fix. Like the tailors say, measure twice and cut once. Spend a lot of time figuring out exactly what is going on, and only when you're certain, look at management and treatment options.  

If Daphne has the funds and the access, she can go and see a psychiatrist, a medical doctor who specializes in mental health issues. She will have a long chat with Daphne and based on that, will then decide on the proper assessments to figure out what's going on.

This will likely take several hours and two or even three visits. At the end of that, she'll probably have a pretty good diagnosis at which point she can make informed decisions.

If Daphne can't manage that, she might see a mental health practitioner like me.

I'd start by asking questions:

• Tell me about your memory this week
• Tell me about your memory last year
• Tell me about your memory when you were a kid
• Do you have a family history of attention disorders, anxiety, depression or other issues?
• Are you on any medication? Because some meds mess with your mood and memory
• Are you menopausal? Yup, that can do it, too
• Been in any fights? Played rugby? Been in a car accident? Your basic physical trauma questions
• Have you recently had food poisoning? Because gut health is linked to mood and memory
• What kind of work do you do? Because certain chemicals like paint and insecticide… yes, you guessed it! Have an effect on mood and memory!
• What does your family doctor say about your physical health? Because certain physical issues like wonky thyroids can have an effect on mood and memory
• What's been going on in the last 12 months? Because too much change can have an effect on mood and memory. People don't always remember what's going on, so I have a 50+ item list to kick off with
• How's your sleep? Because sleep deprivation is a killer, literally, and it messes up mental health
• Do you overthink things? Do you ever get short of breath? Do you come out in rashes? Because I'm checking for anxiety
• When you were a kid, did you self-harm? Were you bulimic? Because people sometimes don't know they've a history of stress or anxiety and these issues can be related to anxiety
• What are your hobbies? Are you enjoying them at the moment? Because I'm checking for depression and low mood, both of which can impact on memory
• What's your family like? And tell me about your friendship groups. Connections matter. We're social creatures
• How much happiness is there in your week? I'm looking at daily patterns

As I'm not a medical doctor, I cannot diagnose. But at the end of an hour, I should be able to tell you if I think you need to see a doctor.

Also, I will be able to tell you if I think you have anxiety, depression, both or perhaps something else like a form of PTSD or whether you should consult an expert to see if you have an attention disorder.

Speaking personally, I'm fairly conservative when it comes to medication. As mental health is always tricky, I think it's safest to go for talk therapy first and if that doesn't work, to see about other methods to manage. Assuming of course that you're not in a crisis of some kind.

Surprisingly often, classic therapy approaches for managing anxiety and low mood are enough to bring about significant changes for anyone suffering from too much life stress.

Also, it can't hurt you and if we put in solid goals to make sure we can track progress, it's generally speaking a good first option.

I hope you find this interesting and informative. Thanks for reading!

Image by Tumisu from Pixabay

I Think Of Depression As Spots

Figuring out what's wrong is the first step to health

I think of depression as spots. When you have spots, the first thing is to figure out what they are. 

Maybe you have an allergy to a new washing powder. Maybe you are allergic to something you ate the night before. 

Maybe you have dengue or chickenpox or shingles. It could be acne. Maybe it's boils. 

Or a mosquito bit you. Or perhaps a cobra fanged you. It may be a perfectly simple heat rash.

Figuring out what's causing it will lead you to the appropriate action. There's no point in changing your washing powder if you are allergic to eggs or have chickenpox.

Depression is the same. There are lots of different causes and that's why there are various approaches for managing it. There's not one-size-fits-all.

So if you have depression and can't immediately tell why or what to do about it, that's exactly what I help clients figure out. Send me an email at ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 and we'll work it out together.