The Truth About Abuse #3 — Why Some People Choose to Be Abusive

It’s not stress. It’s not ‘bad childhoods.’ Those can be factors, but they don’t cause abuse. Abusers make choices, and those choices are about power.

As a therapist who has worked with over 500 abuse cases in the past decade, I'm often asked this question. Here's what the research and my clinical experience reveal.

A question that comes up repeatedly in therapy is, "But why are they abusive?" The answer challenges everything most people believe about domestic violence.

I'll talk about this in a moment, but I'd like to start with a controversial statement: if you are in an abusive relationship, the why doesn't matter. Over the past ten years, I've worked with around 500 people dealing with abuse, and this is one of the most important lessons I've learned.

When a truck runs over your foot, your bones break. What matters is getting out of the way.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, the goal is to get out, quickly, safely and to avoid broken bones.

But relationships are not straightforward. We feel tied to each other, through history, emotions, obligation, guilt, fear, or even love and compassion.

Also, when we process a relationship, understanding the mechanics can help us heal.

So here are some of the whys.

Are Abusers Sick?

Abuse is learned and can be changed

A very small number of people are born with personality disorders. You will hear people on TikTok talking about narcissists and sociopaths. That information is typically not reliable.

Some people have diagnosable conditions that make empathy difficult. Labels can help people using abusive behaviour identify patterns and seek change. However, labels aren’t necessary for healing when you’ve been a target. 

What matters is getting specialized support from someone who understands these dynamics. In my practice, I focus on helping clients recognize these patterns and develop safety strategies, regardless of diagnostic labels.

In fact, labelling is a controversial subject. Check out, Dr James Davies: The Origins of the DSM and Psychiatric diagnosis 'scientifically meaningless.'

My view: I think labels are tricky, especially as science is constantly evolving.

From my experience, clients can be targets of abuse, exhibit abusive behaviors themselves, or both. 

Only one did not see other people as having feelings. He was genuinely frightening. Clinically, this lack of real empathy is a sign of personality disorders, which are rare.

Everyone else understood that others have emotions. Among those using abusive behaviour, many changed; some chose not to. Why? Because the behaviour delivers short-term rewards.

So, if you want the best chance of being the best you, it's s important to work with a therapist who is trained to understand abuse.

This is a complex subject, so if you want a very long read with two dozen excellent follow-on references, check out this 2023 overview paper On power and its corrupting effects: the effects of power on human behavior and the limits of accountability systems This research really fits with my experience treating patients.

But here are the basics.

How Power Affects the Brain and Body

Brain imaging studies show that power and dominance can activate reward/motivation circuits, such as getting a feel-good rush of chemicals such as dopamine. It also reduces perspective-taking in some people.

For some, it may be that their brains are pre-wired this way.
However, abusive behaviour also changes how the brain works.

If we keep choosing it, we can activate the brain's reward and motivation systems, and get that feel-good rush. As it feels good, we want more.

Power truly is addictive.

As abusive behaviours can also shut down brain areas related to empathy, it kickstarts a cycle where the more antisocial and aggressive we are, the less we care about others.

In extreme cases, we dehumanize others, seeing them as objects or tools to be used. 

To escape these patterns, whether you're in them or using them, requires a professional trained in abuse dynamics. This isn't work for well-meaning friends, family members, or anyone who lacks specific training in power and control patterns. In my experience, specialised knowledge greatly helps people recover from abuse or change harmful behaviours.

How Abusers Feel

Choosing abusive behaviour as a pattern has various dangerous effects.

It fuels entitlement. It makes them feel special and above the rules. It is linked to greed, cheating, lying, and breaking the law.

The power rush also promotes hypocrisy. Serial abusers often push the mantra, “Don’t do as I do, do as I say.” Kicker? They often develop a false sense of moral superiority.

Interestingly, power need not be loud. (see previous article on how abuse works)

Performative victimhood (faking or exaggerating harm to control others) is a tactic some perpetrators use. That is not the same as genuine victimisation!

Some abusers learn that acting hurt, helps them gain status and helps them punish others.

How Abusers Learn Their Craft

We all have the capacity for bad behaviour.

If you say no to a toddler, for example, they will whine, “But I waaaaaaant it!” If you give in, they learn an important lesson: if they scream, they’ll get what they want.

Are toddlers evil? Nope.

A toddler isn’t abusive; the point is we learn early that pressure can help us get our way fast. This is why parenting involves teaching toddlers good manners and empathy.

People using abusive behaviour don’t learn those skills. Instead, they learn how to push other people around. They might learn it if:

• Abuse is normalised in their culture
• Abuse is normalised in their family
• They follow an influencer who teaches them
• They see a partner, boss or peer do it
• They read a book about it
• They do it by accident, profit from it, so repeat it

And once they start, it is rewarding, so they do more and more of it.

“They Can’t Help It” Is a Dangerous Myth

Bob is a fantastic salesman who gets on well with the C-suite. The second he walks into his own home, he’s a tyrant. If Peggy doesn’t do exactly what Bob wants when he wants, Bob lashes out.

Kitty’s family are on tenterhooks because Kitty will break down, lash out and threaten to hurt herself at the least little upset. But when Kitty is out and about with her church group, she is a delight.

People using abusive behaviour can control themselves perfectly well when they want to. They just choose not to treat you well.

Being abusive means some short-term rewards:

You can do what you want, when you want.

You can lash out when you feel like it, no need to be polite or thoughtful.

Everyone is so scared of upsetting you, that they run around, anticipating your needs. If you get them properly scared, you don’t even need to yell anymore; a frown or sigh will do it.

But it also comes at a cost: it kills love, alienates your family and friends, destroys your reputation, and eventually you will be alone and likely rather unhappy.

Quick thought: if you recognise yourself here, please know you’re not doomed. You can stop, take ownership, repair harm, and learn new skills. 

It's tricky to change how power works, so this work needs therapy. In my practice, I work with people committed to this transformation - it's uncomfortable but totally doable with the right guidance.

Many clients come to this work feeling hopeless, however, I've seen amazing changes with consistent support.

Judging Is Key

We all catch ourselves being manipulative. Like we might deliberately flatter someone because we want them to go easy on us, or we pretend to be a bit helpless so someone else will do it for us.

It’s not a big deal. We all have a little bit of toddler inside.

But abuse is different. If you’re okay with hurting others because you think they don’t matter, or because you matter more, or because you think your enjoyment is more important than their comfort, you have a problem. (But don’t panic! It’s fixable and we talk about that next time.)

And if you’re in a relationship with someone who thinks that way, don’t become focussed on why, just make sure you don’t have all the bones in your feet broken.

The right therapy makes a real difference whether you're healing from abuse or identifying harmful behaviours. My online work involves global clients; I offer expertise and security to manage these tricky areas. If you connect with this, make an appointment to discuss how therapy can help you regain your power in healthy ways.

Next in the series: You Can’t ‘Work on It’ Together — why abuse isn’t a “relationship problem” you can fix as a couple.

The Truth About Abuse #2 — No Bruises? It’s Still Abuse

Emotional and verbal abuse can cut just as deep as a fist. If they’re breaking you down, it’s not “just words.” This insight might completely change your understanding of what you've lived through.

As a therapist specialising in trauma recovery, I've seen how deeply non-physical abuse impacts the brain and body. Here's what the latest neuroscience reveals.

This is a difficult topic, and you may find it upsetting. However, to understand abuse, it’s important to step back from your emotions and to focus in a sensible, fact-finding way on how violence works.

This will give you the information you need to make informed decisions.

Now, read on…

The Science of Violence

All violence causes damage

Thanks to technology (imaging machines mostly) research is accelerating rapidly. What we’re learning is changing how we think about mental health. 

Let’s talk about childhood first.

We used to think that spanking was ‘discipline’ and totally different from caning and sexual assault which is ‘assault.’ Imaging has proved that is wrong. My daily work with trauma survivors confirms these research findings.

When a child is spanked, they suffer pain and helplessness. For a little kid, spanking is a violent event. Link

The child learns they are not safe, not even with a parent or adult they love.

The experience can rewire young brains. They become very sensitive to danger.

We used to think that shouting and screaming weren’t harmful, either. New MRI studies suggest it can have the same effect as physical violence, especially in children. Link  Again, the findings match my observations from working with trauma survivors.

In other words, the brain may not always distinguish between ‘words’ and ‘blows.’

A child who is yelled at, feels frightened and helpless. The experience can rewire the brain. Link

Adults exposed to violence can also show changes in brain functioning. It may be a soldier in combat, but it might also be a woman who witnesses a traumatic accident, or a man who is bullied at work.

We all have a mental burglar alarm. When we experience trauma, that alarm can be set to a hair-trigger. 

If that happens, you will see danger where other people are confident. That has a lasting impact.

How Violence Impacts On Mental Health

In my practice, I work with adults who were spanked, caned, rotanned, scolded constantly, or emotionally neglected. In many places, this is a normal childhood! 

Some were bullied at work, had an abusive partner, were sexually abused, trafficked, or suffered significant trauma.

Violence is an equal opportunity event; anyone can suffer. So if that’s you, there’s no shame in it.You're not weak for being affected - your brain was doing exactly what brains do when under threat.

People who have had a rough time, typically share these traits:

• They are scared of people being angry or upset.
• They are scared of making mistakes.
• When they think there is dangers, there is a trauma response. This includes running away, fighting, vomiting, shouting, fainting, self-harming, not being able to breathe and more.

Because of this, they:

• Are more at risk of developing mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and self-harm.
• Avoid opportunities for growth. They are so scared of making a mistake that they will only take opportunities where they can get things 100% right easily. They won’t risk learning something that involves a lot of hit and miss.
• Have trouble with relationships because they’re afraid to communicate authentically.

BUT it’s not one-size-fits-all.

Theory and big studies are excellent for big picture thinking but it is a mistake to apply it ruthlessly to individuals.

Some people are more affected than others. Why is a hugely debated question.

Variables include:

• What happened (a slap, years of shouting, sexual assault, etc.)
• Personality (some traits seem to protect people more than others)
• Environment (was it one angry parent, or a whole community that backed the abuse?)
• Culture (is punishment seen as shameful for the abuser, or shameful for the victim?)

Because of these issues, one-size-fits-all solutions often don’t work when dealing with trauma. The simple truth is, you need a plan that's right for you. That is why I create custom treatment plans for my clients, based on their background and what they're feeling now. 

The Impact of Violence On Memory

A lot of the people I speak to have memory gaps. In particular, adults who grew up with a lot of shouting, spanking and fear, often have little or no memory of early childhood.

Stress interferes with memory making. MRI machines have proven this. Link

Scientists are still debating why this happens. One leading idea is that stress hormones, released during violent events, interfere with how memories are stored. That’s why people often recall fragments — the look on a parent’s face, the first blow — but lose the rest.

Examples:

• Kim who was caned by her parents remembers her mother’s expression and the first stroke of pain, but not the rest of that day.
• Bob who had an abusive partner remembers her screaming at him in front of friends, but can’t remember what day it was or what he said to defend himself.

Again, everyone is different.

Can you get your memory back?

One very interesting aspect of having memory gaps is that our brains try to make sense of what is left. As it turns out, brains are not very good at that.

Sometimes details may emerge later BUT as the brain does tend to ‘suggest’ details so it ‘feels right’ some of those details may be correct and some may be false.

So, just trying to remember the details about trauma is tricky. Link This is specialised work that requires a therapist trained in trauma recovery.

Luckily, you don’t need to delve into detail.

Want to Heal? Typical Obstacles

In some cultures, judging is taboo.  

Abusers punish us for challenging them, so just thinking about it may make you scared. Also, it’s painful to think that someone you know, like, love or respect may not be very nice.

Not all abusers are evil. (We’ll talk more about this next time). But as all abuse sucks and we need to call it out so we can deal with it, you will have to push through and judge the situation.

How To Judge Your Parents

Addressing childhood issues can be particularly difficult. If you grew up with beatings or screaming parents and you are worried about judging them, consider these points:

Pre-internet, parents didn’t know a lot about parenting. They did what their parents did. This is why we have generational trauma.

However, beating a child who is terrified takes some doing.

Adults who hit their kids typically pretend they’re doing it ‘for their own good.’ However, adults in therapy often admit they attack their kids because they are in a bad mood.

Example: 

• Kim’s mum may have had a bad day at work, so she came home and whacked her kid out of sheer stress. Rather than admit this, mum pretends it’s because Kim did something to deserve it.

So here is my prime directive: violence is a choice. If an adult attacks a child, it’s on them.

However, as parents are fallible humans, you may decide to talk it over.

In some families, this conversation includes acknowledgement of harm, an apology, and is healing.

It won’t magically reset that hair trigger burglar alarm, you need to work on healing that, but such a conversation will promote love.

Sadly, that Disney moment is not for everyone.

People who scream and hit, very often refuse to acknowledge the harm they do. It’s never their fault, it’s always someone ‘making them’ or they ‘didn’t know so it doesn’t count.’

When confronted, such parents double down and claim it is their right to be violent. Or they lie and try to gaslight you into thinking it never happened.

As each situation is different, you'll need an individual therapeutic assessment to chart your path to healing. In my practice, I help clients navigate these complex family dynamics safely. But you should know up front that you can heal without your family taking part in your therapy.  In fact, I have clients who have healed without discussing their therapy with their family and also with family who remain in denial. 

Steps To Healing 

To heal, we see:

• Where you are today,
• Where you have trouble being your best you
• Where that might come from,
• And then we work out steps for you to change your thinking and behaviour so you can be your best you.

We also identify if you have anxiety, depression, self-harm etc and if so, we work out techniques for you to manage effective change.

Again, while the process is simple, there is no fixed formula for the work that needs done. Every person is different.This is why I don't use one-size-fits-all approaches. You need a treatment plan designed for your specific trauma history.

My advice is:

• Don’t worry about ‘normal’ – you feel the way you do and that’s okay
• Healing is a process. What doesn’t work for you today may work tomorrow, so keep assessing and moving forward
• You can learn from all kinds of resources about healing from violence. Listen to the experiences of military people, charity workers, social workers, paramedics, doctors, nurses, parents with sick kids – everyone has a story and it’s surprising what you can learn just from listening with an open mind

You can heal from trauma, but it’s easier with professional help. I offer specialised trauma therapy to clients internationally, working online. Does this article speak to you? Schedule a consultation to explore therapy for trauma recovery.

Next in the series: Why People Are Abusive — and it’s not stress or a bad childhood.

The Truth About Abuse #1 — What It Really Is and How It Works

After working with over 500 abuse cases across 20+ countries, I can tell you this: if you're questioning whether what you're experiencing is 'real abuse,' you need to read this. 

Abuse isn't just 'being mean' or 'losing your temper.' It's a calculated pattern of control that most people don't recognize until it's already trapped them.

How Abuse Works: The Two Cycles You Need to Know

Everyone fights. Everyone has upsets. Abuse is different. The difference could determine whether you stay stuck or break free.

When Kevin met Sally, she was amazing, clever, and funny. They laughed for hours. But Sally has a temper and high standards. She says he's not as clever as he thinks, criticises his work, and when they moved in, she handled the money because "he's not competent." A year later, Kevin's on pocket-money and miserable, but he avoids rocking the boat because Sally gets angry. And sometimes, she's amazing, loving, and funny again. He thinks if he worked harder, they'd be happy all the time.

Siti thinks Mo is caring and sensitive. He's generous and spoils her with dinners and holidays. But he says she's too heavy, so she works out daily while he tracks her progress. She hides eating lunch because it will upset him. Mo has a history of anxiety and depression, so she worries upsetting him could make him ill or suicidal. His ex cheated on him, and when Siti goes out, he worries she will too. Siti quits dance and work socials. She misses her friends and fun, but Mo is so good to her! And anyway, love means making sacrifices.

These examples represent the typical trends I notice in my therapy practice: the slow loss of personal freedom that is hidden by what seems like love or support.

Abuse is a pattern of behaviour where one person establishes power over their target. They want to control them. Recognising these dynamics requires specialised knowledge. In my practice, I help clients identify these patterns and develop strategies to reclaim their autonomy. 

Although we often focus on how some men abuse women, it is truly an issue that can affect anyone at any time.

Abuse is about power. It's controversial, and it's complex. This is why working with a therapist trained in abuse dynamics is crucial. Someone who is not trained often misses these subtle control mechanisms.

A lot of the research is cultural, focuses on a particular time, or has gender bias. I've observed these dynamics in my clinical work, across varied groups and relationships. Also, as we change, human dynamics change too.

In short, there is no 'truth.' My view is that the more you know, the more informed your decisions.

In this series, we'll take a deep dive into abuse, so you can make informed decisions about your mental health.

Abuse = Two Cycles Working Together

The inner cycle: Power and Control (adapted from the Duluth Model)
The outer cycle: Honeymoon-Explosion-Make-up cycle

Power and Control

Tactics abusers use

Abusers use a range of tactics. Here are some of the most common ones.

Intimidation 

Example: You ask them to help you with something. They shout at you.
Effect: You become afraid of their anger. You stop communicating honestly and start walking on eggshells.

Emotional Abuse 

Example: "You're not as clever as you think." "It's just as well I love you because others won't." "Wow, you're so confident for a fat person!"
Effect: Chips away your self-esteem so you're more vulnerable.

Minimizing, Denying, Blaming, Gaslighting 

Example: "You're oversensitive." "I didn't say that." "You make me say these things." "You're imagining things."
Effect: Confuses you and makes you question your own sanity.

Stereotyping and Privilege 

Example: "You're not a real man unless you earn six figures." "Housework is women's work." "Good men sacrifice themselves for their family." "Good daughters help in the home; they don't selfishly focus on their career."
Effect: Extends emotional abuse by claiming society agrees you're awful.

Isolation 

Example: "Other people aren't your friends." "I don't like you when you're with your friends." "You have to choose between me and them."
Subtle form: Constant texts or calls when you go out, demands for proof of where you are, and fights when you return.
Effect: Cuts you off from support so the abuser can control you without interference.

Financial Abuse 

Example: Borrowing money without repayment. Guilt-tripping you: "Why are you buying that? It's selfish to spend money on yourself." Subtle version: "You can’t take that promotion because your family needs you."
Effect: Without money, it's harder to leave.

Coercion and Threats 

Example: "If you don't do what I want, I'll kill you/the kids/the pets/myself." "If you don't do what I want, I'll be suicidal and it will be your fault." "If you don't do what I want, I'll report you for committing a crime."
Effect: Uses fear to silence you and keep you compliant.

Using Kids, Pets, and Flying Monkeys 

Example: Using others to pressure you to stay: 

Family: "They love you really. It's just their way."
Kids: "You have to stay! Mum/Dad is crying."

Effect: Makes it harder to leave by turning your support network into part of the control system.

Abuse is tricky because it doesn't always look the same. For example, if you are trafficked, your abuser may get you hooked on drugs - because that is easier than just threatening you.

Also, abusers don't always use violence. Some act like martyrs, make themselves ill, or act helpless. 
•    A mum who has palpitations when you don't do what she wants.
•    A dad who refuses to take his medication unless you are there.
•    A partner who will not feed the dog when you're out.
•    An ex-alcoholic who will drink if you aren't there.
- They're just as controlling as a person who hits you.

Many of my clients initially dismiss non-physical abuse as 'not that bad.' Learning to recognise covert control tactics is specialised work that can literally save your life.

If you recognise multiple tactics from this wheel in your relationship, it's time to get professional support. These patterns rarely improve without intervention. 

The Outer Cycle: Honeymoon-Explosion-Make-up

Honeymoon Phase 

Everything is lovely. You feel loved and valued. 

Tension 

You feel tense. You know trouble is on the way.

Explosion 

The fight happens. You feel lost and blame yourself for "messing up."

Make-up Phase 

They're sweet again. You make excuses. You focus on the "perfect life" you had.
If it's a romantic relationship, they promise to change-therapy, long talks, big declarations.
If it's family, they remind you of their "generosity" and insist you're the problem.
At work, a colleague or boss may use either strategy.

It's all a ruse. The nice-nasty routine is designed to keep you off balance and clinging to the hope that one day it will be perfect forever.

Reality

Abuse is a pattern of behaviour that sucks you in and drains you. It rarely kicks off at full speed; it's usually a process.

By the time the abuser has you hooked in tight:
o You're scared to speak your mind.
o You feel bad about yourself.
o You're isolated from help.
o You believe you have no way out.

But there is a way out, and it starts with getting the right support.

I've helped clients recognise these patterns and develop safety strategies. Understanding the mechanics is the first step toward breaking free.

Breaking free from abusive patterns requires understanding how they work and developing personalised safety strategies. I provide specialised online therapy for abuse recovery, helping clients worldwide recognise these dynamics and reclaim their lives. If these patterns feel familiar, don't wait - book a consultation to discuss how therapy can help you break the cycle.

Next in the series: No Bruises? It's Still Abuse - why emotional and verbal harm is just as real as physical violence.

Why Self-Esteem is Your Secret Weapon at Work & in Life

Why Self-Esteem is Your Secret Weapon at Work & in Life

Self-Esteem: Not Fluff, But Function

Studies show it is an important predictor of overall mental health – and as a bonus, it makes us more productive at work.

Here’s how that works: 

What The Science Says

Europe (2023):

A team examined 76 studies with a total of 35,537 people. They confirmed a robust positive link between self-esteem and well-being. Source

Recommendation?
Executives and leaders should develop a solid sense of self-worth to buffer stress and enhance happiness and effectiveness.

UK (2020):

An analysis of 674 managers showed a clear link between job autonomy and better organization-based self-esteem (OBSE).
This fed into higher productivity and less stress and burnout. Source

Recommendation?
Business owners should focus on making their managers feel competent, trusted, and valued for moral and economic reasons.

Malaysia (2024):

A study of 246 workers highlighted self-esteem as one key factor (among others) in creating a positive, high-performance work environment. Source

Recommendation?
Business managers should promote strategies to enhance employees’ self-worth to gain organizational success.

Okay, I want some of that. Show me how!

First, look at your behaviour.
People with high self-esteem:

• Accept the positive and the negative in themselves
• Have boundaries
• Speak honestly but not cruelly
• Find fulfilment and meaning in life

Next, understand your influences.
Self-esteem is shaped by factors you can’t change (like genetics and age), but also by elements you can adjust like your life experiences and the people around you.

Most importantly, working on self-esteem can help you sort out the triggers that cause you to self-sabotage.

Working on your self-esteem is a journey, but it’s hugely rewarding.

If this hits a nerve, let’s talk!