This is a difficult topic, and you may find it upsetting. However, to understand abuse, it’s important to step back from your emotions and to focus in a sensible, fact-finding way on how violence works.
This will give you the information you need to make informed decisions.
Now, read on…
The Science of Violence
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| All violence causes damage |
Thanks to technology (imaging machines mostly) research is accelerating rapidly. What we’re learning is changing how we think about mental health.
Let’s talk about childhood first.
We used to think that spanking was ‘discipline’ and totally different from caning and sexual assault which is ‘assault.’ Imaging has proved that is wrong.
When a child is spanked, they suffer pain and helplessness. For a little kid, spanking is a violent event.
The child learns they are not safe, not even with a parent or adult they love.
The experience can rewire young brains. They become very sensitive to danger.
We used to think that shouting and screaming weren’t harmful. New imaging studies suggest it can have the same effect as physical violence, especially in children. In other words, the brain may not always distinguish between ‘words’ and ‘blows.’
A child who is yelled at, feels frightened and helpless. The experience can rewire the brain.
Adults exposed to violence can also show changes in brain functioning. It may be a soldier in combat, but it might also be a woman who witnesses a traumatic accident, or a man who is bullied at work.
In short, we all have a mental burglar alarm. When we experience trauma, that alarm can be set to a hair-trigger.
If that happens, you will see danger where other people are confident. That has a lasting impact.
How Violence Impacts On Mental Health
I deal with adults who were spanked, yelled at, and verbally abused when they were kids. A normal childhood!
Some were bullied at work, had an abusive partner, were sexually abused, trafficked, or suffered significant trauma.
Violence is an equal opportunity event; anyone can suffer. So if that’s you, there’s no shame in it.
People who have had a rough time, typically share these traits:
- They are scared of people being angry or upset.
- They are scared of making mistakes.
- When they think there is dangers, there is a trauma response. This includes running away, fighting, vomiting, shouting, fainting, self-harming, not being able to breathe and more.
Because of this, they:
- Are more at risk of developing mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and self-harm.
- Avoid opportunities for growth. They are so scared of making a mistake that they will only take opportunities where they can get things 100% right easily. They won’t risk learning something that involves a lot of hit and miss.
- Have trouble with relationships because they’re afraid to communicate authentically.
BUT it’s not one-size-fits-all.
Theory and big studies are excellent for big picture thinking but it is a mistake to apply it ruthlessly to individuals.
Some people are more affected than others. Why is a hugely debated question.
Variables include:
- What happened (a slap, years of shouting, sexual assault, etc.)
- Personality (some traits seem to protect people more than others)
- Environment (was it one angry parent, or a whole community that backed the abuse?)
- Culture (is punishment seen as shameful for the abuser, or shameful for the victim?)
Because of these variables, there is no fixed formula for healing.
The Impact of Violence On Memory
A lot of the people I speak to have memory gaps. In particular, adults who grew up with a lot of shouting, spanking and fear, often have little or no memory of early childhood.
Stress interferes with memory making.
Scientists are still debating why this happens. One leading idea is that stress hormones, released during violent events, interfere with how memories are stored. That’s why people often recall fragments — the look on a parent’s face, the first blow — but lose the rest.
Examples:
- Kim who was caned by her parents remembers her mother’s expression and the first stroke of pain, but not the rest of that day.
- Bob who had an abusive partner remembers her screaming at him in front of friends, but can’t remember what day it was or what he said to defend himself.
Again, everyone is different.
Can you get your memory back?
One very interesting aspect of having memory gaps is that our brains try to make sense of what is left. As it turns out, brains are not very good at that.
Sometimes details may emerge later BUT as the brain does tend to ‘suggest’ details so it ‘feels right’ some of those details may be correct and some may be false.
So, just trying to remember the details about trauma is tricky. Source Luckily, you don’t need to delve into detail.
Want to Heal? Typical Obstacles
In some cultures, judging is taboo.
Abusers punish us for challenging them, so just thinking about it may make you scared. Also, it’s painful to think that someone you know, like, love or respect may not be very nice.
Not all abusers are evil. (We’ll talk more about this next time). But as all abuse sucks and we need to call it out so we can deal with it, you will have to push through and judge the situation.
How To Judge Your Parents
Addressing childhood issues can be particularly difficult. If you grew up with beatings or screaming parents and you are worried about judging them, consider these points:
Pre-internet, parents didn’t know a lot about parenting. They did what their parents did. This is why we have generational trauma.
However, beating a child who is terrified takes some doing.
Adults who hit their kids typically pretend they’re doing it ‘for their own good.’ However, adults in therapy often admit they attack their kids because they are in a bad mood.
Example:
- Kim’s mum may have had a bad day at work, so she came home and whacked her kid out of sheer stress. Rather than admit this, mum pretends it’s because Kim did something to deserve it.
So here is my prime directive: violence is a choice. If an adult attacks a child, it’s on them.
However, as parents are fallible humans, you may decide to talk it over.
In some families, this conversation includes acknowledgement of harm, an apology, and is healing.
It won’t magically reset that hair trigger burglar alarm, you need to work on healing that, but such a conversation will promote love.
Sadly, that Disney moment is not for everyone.
People who scream and hit, very often refuse to acknowledge the harm they do. It’s never their fault, it’s always someone ‘making them’ or they ‘didn’t know so it doesn’t count.’
When confronted, such parents double down and claim it is their right to be violent. Or they lie and try to gaslight you into thinking it never happened.
This is a subject for therapy, and we see what’s best for you when we talk. But you should know up front that you can heal without family participation.
Steps To Healing
To heal, we see:
- Where you are today,
- Where you have trouble being your best you
- Where that might come from,
- And then we work out steps for you to change your thinking and behaviour so you can be your best you.
We also identify if you have anxiety, depression, self-harm etc and if so, we work out techniques for you to manage effective change.
Again, while the process is simple, there is no fixed formula for the work that needs done. Every person is different.
My advice is:
- Don’t worry about ‘normal’ – you feel the way you do and that’s okay
- Healing is a process. What doesn’t work for you today may work tomorrow, so keep assessing and moving forward
- You can learn from all kinds of resources about healing from violence. Listen to the experiences of military people, charity workers, social workers, paramedics, doctors, nurses, parents with sick kids – everyone has a story and it’s surprising what you can learn just from listening with an open mind
Healing is always at hand. If you want help from a professional therapist skilled in healing from abuse, you know where to find me.
Further reading and sources:
- The Effect of Spanking on the Brain
- The Effect of Verbal Abuse on the Brain, from a Neuroscientist
- The Neurobiology of Trauma
Next in the series: Why People Are Abusive — and it’s not stress or a bad childhood.
