If leaving were easy, you'd be gone already. Here's what keeps people stuck in abusive relationships.
It should be so simple: when you're in an abusive relationship, you leave.
Many laws are based on this (wrong!) assumption. The woman who puts up with years of black eyes and bruises, the man who is systematically picked clean of every penny he has, when they finally snap, bystanders say, "But you could have walked."
Not true.
I've worked with women and men in 20+ countries who have struggled leaving an abusive relationship. What I've learned from hundreds of clients is that the barriers to leaving are real, complex, and often invisible to outsiders. Here are the main reasons why it's so hard:
Three Emotional Hooks
Fear of Violence
Abusers have no brakes. They do what they like, when they like. So it's no surprise if you are terrified that your abuser will come after you.
And they do! Ask any police officer and they'll tell you that it's common for violent exes to hunt down their victim. Spurned abusive exes may bang on your door and scream, threaten you, trash your car, kill your pet, or attack you.
 |
| Reach for freedom |
It's devastating.
This terror is exactly what I help my clients work through in therapy. The fear doesn't magically disappear when you leave - it often intensifies. Learning to manage this fear while staying committed to your safety is crucial recovery work.
Worse, we all know that these violent types are rarely punished. We see it on the news, we hear about it from friends.
Most countries have no interest in protecting victims of violence.
In stories, it's typically women being abused by men. But men are abused by women, and same sex couples can be abusive too.
Example: in the UK now, two out of three victims of abusive partners are women, and one third are men. link
Kids and Pets
Abusers have no problem taking hostages. So if you leave, fear of what they may do to the kids or pets is overwhelming.
• "You'll never see the kids again."
• "I'll make sure the kids know everything is your fault."
• "I'll put the cats in a shelter – or maybe I'll drown them."
Note: skilled abusers are very quick to have kids and some gift partners with a pet early in the relationship so they have ammunition later.
Again, men and women suffer from these threats.
The guilt and terror around children and pets keeps many of my clients trapped long after they know they need to leave. Working through these fears - and the reality behind the threats - is often the breakthrough that finally enables escape.
Hope and Love
As we discussed in The Truth About Abuse #1 —What It Really Is and How It Works, abusers are rarely nasty all the time. They typically alternate between abuse and honeymoon periods.
This messes with our minds. We can't believe someone we know is actively dangerous and has no problem being cruel to us.
So you hope, "If only I can do this one thing, it will be perfect all the time."
You remember the good times – and the bad ones fade.
And the abuser plays on this, pulling your strings to manipulate you.
So you stay. Or when you leave, you're persuaded to return.
This cycle of hope and manipulation is one of the hardest patterns to break. Even after leaving, many of my clients struggle with these feelings. The good memories feel more real than the abuse. Understanding why this happens - and how to resist it - is essential therapy work.
Sadly, staying within reach can end nastily. In truth, most murders are committed by the people we love.
The most dangerous period is the first month, and then the first year to eighteen months. If you can get past that, without going back, the danger drops.
How dangerous is it? Well, for example, in the UK 276 women and 86 men were killed by a partner or ex partner between March 2018 to 2020. Link But this doesn't count people who suicided rather than face their abuser. Link
The Big Bad World: Social And Financial Systems
Fear of Judgement
Everyone worries, "What will my friends say?" It's embarrassing, especially if they want details or you feel judged.
If you try and save yourself, the bullying is horrendous and unrelenting.
Your fears can range from:
• "People will tell me off in public."
• "Our neighbours will stop talking to my family."
• "If my employer finds out I left, I will be fired."
• "My family will kill me."
Financial Dependence
Money is freedom. Abusers sabotage your independence.
Getting caught in this trap can sound like:
• "Your name doesn't need to be on the paperwork. Don't you trust me?"
• "A man's purpose is to make money for the family."
• "If you love me, you'll take out that loan."
• "Why are you so grasping? X needs that money."
Know you're not alone! This paper lists how financial abuse works in dozens of countries.
You Lose Your Home
Rent is expensive, and few people can afford to live alone. Especially with kids or pets.
Even if there's no abuse, just breaking up can lead to homelessness. Example: In the UK in 2016, 1 out of 3 people said breaking up with their partner might leave them homeless. Link
In abusive relationships, financial abuse is common.
Many of my clients, female and male, spent years paying mortgages, only to discover they lost the property when they broke free.
Research on this is poor, which is why I draw from direct client experience as well. But one US study found 50% of women who owned a home or were independent renters before their abusive relationship, lost that when they escaped. Link
Economics and Social Systems
In the West, we pay tax that supports strangers. In the UK, EU, Australia etc, if you lose your job or leave your abusive partner, tax payers will help you stay in a shelter, pay rent, and give you money for food.
In the rest of the world, money is kept within the family. If you lose your job or leave your abusive partner, it's your family that keeps you. So if they don't like you, you're sunk. There is no support.
Because of this, the west's abuse information only works there. Exiting abusive relationships is different outside of a Western social system.
That's why my advice is adapted for your culture and country. I'm multicultural, my family is multicultural, and I've spent years as an expat.
Bottom Line
Leaving an abusive relationship can sometimes be as easy as walking out. Usually, it's much harder.
So if you are struggling to leave or to stay away, know this is perfectly normal!
And this is exactly why therapy support makes all the difference. These barriers don't disappear the moment you walk out the door. They follow you, creating the emotional chaos that pulls people back into danger.
Tips For Leaving and Staying Safe
Leaving safely takes planning.
Consult Domestic Violence Experts. Your local domestic violence charity will tell you about resources like shelters, offer legal advice, and explain what typically works and does not in your legal system.
They also offer a comprehensive guide to leaving safely, covering essential topics like which documents to gather, how to protect your children, the use of protection orders, workplace safety measures, and other crucial information.
This resource lists all the domestic violence helplines in every country recognised by the United Nations: https://nomoredirectory.org
What Therapy Can Do For You
In films, you escape and everything is okay. In real life, escaping a bad time is followed by a recovery period. During this period, expect guilt, hope, and fear to rush in. It's perfectly natural; you've had a bad time, someone has manipulated your emotions, and so it's hard to know what's what.
Also, your abuser may threaten you, pretend to suicide, spread rumours, and more.
That's where therapy shines!
Every barrier I've described above – the fear, the manipulation, the financial stress, the social pressure – these continue after you leave.
Here's what my international clients tell me matters most: my service is completely confidential. Nobody will know you're getting my support. So you can say anything you like to me, and once we're done, you walk away and live your best life.
The most dangerous period is the first year to eighteen months after leaving. This is when most people go back - not because they want to, but because the emotional manipulation and practical pressures become overwhelming.
Don't try to handle this alone. The barriers that kept you trapped don't disappear when you escape.
Ready to break free for good? Message me today. I'll help you stay strong and clear through the most dangerous period.
Next in the series: You Don't 'Attract' Abusers — why it's not your fault and never has been.
