Understanding emotional abuse and getting out of it. Part 1, "How can I tell if I am in an abusive relationship?"

I have a number of clients who seek to heal after having been trapped and hurt by abusive partners. There is a lot of secrecy over these matters, so let's have a good look at this.

Over the next five days, I'll post and blog about how this works and what you can do to leave, heal and get into a better place.

Here's the first one: "Do I have a problem?"

When you are right in the middle of things, it can be hard to get perspective. Are you moody? Or fighting all the time?

It may be that you're just going through a rough patch. However, if you are dealing with an abuser, then the methods they use to control you will create a kind of mental fog that prevents you from seeing what's going on.

So, if you're not sure, here's a short list of questions to ask.

·         Do you have to report on every single detail of your day?

·         Do you have to hide information about your day, like who you talked to, because they'll get mad at you?

·         Do you feel anxious if you get a call or text and you can't reply instantly?

·         Before you meet up, do you check to see what you're wearing and practice what you'll say – because they'll get mad at you if you mess up?

·         Is it too much trouble to go out with your friends because of the epic bitching and questioning during and after?

·         Are you frightened of switching off your phone?

If the answer to one of those questions is yes, it suggests your partner is abusive.

Heads-Up: nobody has the right to control you. It's not love; it's abuse.

If you can say no to all the questions above, have a look at exactly where you are sad or arguing. Common causes for trouble include: not being open in your communication, having different goals and needs, and having another hidden issue that's pushing on your relationship. Whatever it is, talking it out should help.

Note: be prepared that if your relationship is new (say less than 2 years) or has never been too hot, then being sad/quarrelling etc a lot may simply mean that you're not a match. That's sad but at least you know and can move on to find happiness.

If you're saying 😱😱😱 "That's me!" then do get help. If you're in physical danger, too: leave now. Please don't be a statistic.

In this series:

Understanding emotional abuse and getting out of it. Part 1, "How can I tell if I am in an abusive relationship?"


Understanding emotional abuse and getting out of it. Part 2 "How did I get into this?"


Understanding emotional abuse and getting out of it. Part 3 "I'm desperate but I can't leave." Examining the tactics abusers use to completely control you.


Understanding emotional abuse and getting out of it. Part 4 "Will therapy fix my abusive relationship?"


Understanding emotional abuse and getting out of it. Part 5 "How to get out of an abusive relationship and get your mojo back."

NOTE: Image by cocoparisienne

Is Work-Life Balance An Impossible Goal?

This morning I said no again. Usually, I’m fine with saying it because I know it’s a healthy choice. I have a limited amount of time, and so I am careful about the tasks I take on.

This time it hurt a little and so I’m second-guessing myself. The issue at the heart of the dilemma is work-life balance.

You know how it is: if you work too much, you over-stress and burn out. But it can be very hard to choose what you should do and what you might do.

My problem is that I’ve said no to a ‘might do’. Let me explain…

This is my current workload:

1.       Service the clients who come to me for help with depression, anxiety and stress.

2.       Write newspaper columns and magazine features, roughly 7000 words a month.

3.       Write two novels a year, at roughly 95,000 words each.

I have office hours from 8AM to 4PM weekdays and from 9AM to 12PM on Saturdays that cover the first two businesses.  

The novel writing is fitted in around everything else. I write roughly 20-25 hours a week. And that doesn’t include the time spent on advertising and promotion.

My downtime is going out two nights a week, plus a late lunch on Saturdays and Sundays.

The decision I made this morning may affect my novel writing business.

Conventional wisdom is that novelists who aren’t JK Rowling and Nora Roberts have to engage with readers and reviewers. If you don’t engage, fewer people buy your books.

This is probably true. If I could, I would spend a lot of time chatting online. However, I sell mostly in the UK and USA but I live in Malaysia.

I have tried to connect online via Facebook and Goodreads but when I’m at the end of my working day and free to chat, the Brits have just arrived at the office and the Americans are still fast asleep. If I get up an hour early, the Brits are in bed and the Americans are having dinner.

Staying up late means I catch people, but it also screws the next workday. It comes down to a choice: for every hour I stay up and chat, I lose out on clients and commissions the next day.

Now, this is what I said no to. I have a new book coming out soon, Twisted, and I am looking to recruit extra reviewers. I was considering signing up a review team with a promotion company but when I looked into it, I was told I would have to set up a Facebook group and engage.

I said no, but it kills me. I have this inner voice whining that it would be so much easier if I lived elsewhere. I’m frustrated. I’m also battling the urge to give up sleep and the rest of my life for a few months while I push Twisted.

And that is the real danger. We do convince ourselves to do crazy things on the basis of, “It’s only for a few weeks” and “this is a special case.” But once you start making excuses, it’s very hard to stop.

The golden rule to maintaining a sensible work-life balance is to guard your downtime and make the most of your working time, while it will never be perfect.

The ideal balance just doesn’t exist. It can’t because work has a way of expanding to fill any available space. This is partly a mindset issue: we think work is more important than living. It’s not true, but being busy is taken as a mark of success rather than slavery or unhealthy obsession.

I know all this but I still have that, “OMG did I just screw up?” going on in my head.

So, sensible me is now giving whiny, silly me a talking-to. It focuses combating fear by pointing out truths. Like this:

Whiny me: I’ve spent months writing this book, I shouldn’t grudge a few months of promo. Sleep is for losers!

Also me: You can’t work 24/7 and it makes no sense to give up valuable day-job time for a third business.

Whiny me: What if nobody knows Twisted is published? What if it bombs?

Also me: Books don’t expire. While success today is nice, it’s a long-term prospect.   

Whiny me: There’s Sunday afternoons! We can schmooze then!

Also me: Abandoning Tom on our special day off, right. How much do we value that uptick in sales?

Whiny me: What if there is no online market in the future?

Also me: If my aunt had wheels, she’d be a truck. You can’t control the future.

Whiny me: I don’t like these answers!!!

Also me: We’ll get Tom to take us to the pub. It’s nice downtime and we can talk about having the heebie-jeebies.

Talking to myself isn’t perfect but it does ramp down the fear and paranoia. Moreover, it stops me from making silly mistakes like committing myself to things that just can’t be done.

Happy Monday <3

Image by Myriam Zilles 

Are You A 996 Slave? How 'Always On' Is Killing Us

"We went to the park, and my kids were very good at learning the names of the flowers."
"I went to the pool and worked hard, swimming 25 laps."
"The book I'm reading over the weekend is a self-help one. I'm learning to manage people better."

For many of us, relaxation is a dirty word. Everything has to be 'worthy'. Even kids can't just have fun; they need to have Edutainment.

Anxiety and depression rates are going through the roof because we're switched on all the time. Our relaxing is clandestine, as if it's wrong or wicked to just hang out and enjoy ourselves.

"I feel guilty just watching Netflix."
"I can't go out and sit in the park. I need to do something like count my steps."
"I can't switch off my phone, even when on weekends and holidays."

If that is you, it's time to stop and think. You know you will drive yourself into burnout by working 24/7 - or 996 as they say in China. You need downtime to be a mentally healthy person.

So, where does all this push to be working all the time come from?

Part of the problem is that the message, "You must be successful" is pushed on us from young. We're trained to aspire to luxury clothes, new cars, holidays abroad and lots of fancy stuff. But it goes deeper than that. I think that for many people, labour itself is considered inherently worthy.

In terms of my own roots, Scottish-Dutch, I suspect the rot set in around the 1500s when some religious scholars started pushing the idea that hard work and plain living were symbols of being a good person, definitely destined for heaven. This Protestant Work Ethic became a big part of everyday life and was eventually spread from Europe to North America.

Some political philosophers think the idea was promoted by capitalists (you have to sneer here, it's obligatory) in order to coerce people into working hard. So the message, "Working hard is good for you" is really masking the hidden truth, "If you work hard, I can make lots of money off you."

Call me a cynic, but I think there's a lot to that.

When I look at my Southeast Asian friends, I can't help but wonder if China's Imperial Exams that started around 605, during the Sui dynasty, did a similar job in this part of the world.

The old emperors in that time had a handful of plum jobs and too many people vying for them, so they ran a set of exams, designed to 'weed out the unworthy' as it were.

The system was meant to keep the aristocrats on top, not to empower peasants and inconveniently talented poor people. So, to get a job managing the city drains (and making all the suppliers pay you kickbacks) you would be examined on your poetry, archery, calligraphy and knowledge of protocol.

Awesome, right? While anyone who complained about the drains might get a superbly penned note rather than competent engineers, I suspect that system fostered the idea that study equalled success. And as the study involved complex skills such as poetry and archery, you could be at it for years. Busy all the time, in other words.

Shove those traditions of work and study together with modern technology, and you get real trouble.

Until the 1980s, work and personal time were very separate. Once you left the office, it was hard to be in touch. Back then, you could duck into the club with your mates, and be totally undiscoverable. But by the 1990s, mobile phones and email made staying in touch a snap. And somehow, people convinced themselves that being jacked into the machine was a wonderful thing.

It isn't.

Work is fine if you like it and most of us need to earn regularly in order to pay our bills. However, too much work drives anxiety and depression. Furthermore, it kills relationships. Basically, the modern work ethic is a mind killer.

To stay healthy, we need clear lines between work and personal time. It is not acceptable to be answering messages from clients and bosses after hours. Work is work and home is home.

And when you're at home, you have chores that need to be done, but you should also have time to relax. That means watching Netflix without guilt, enjoying the park for its fresh air and generally enjoying yourself.

We don't exist to work; life is for living.
 
That's my mental health blog post for the week. Let me know what you think?

Image by AHTmedia from Pixabay

Avoid Eating Disorders. Weight Messages And Your Teen

You'd think that an open conversation about weight would be an awesome thing between parent and teenager. However, as a recent study shows, the effort is dangerously counterproductive. 

Teens can look grown-up but they are still developing. As the study shows, they tend to be overwhelmed by talk of weight. 

Also, popular culture pushes the idea that success=thin and beauty= thin. 

Watching TV and being on social media is already enough for perfectly healthy teens to develop the false belief that they're fat, ugly and worthless. Anxiety and stress make these perceptions worse.

Therefore, an adult's well intended chat about weight or diet can trigger an obsession with losing weight and dieting.

This puts kids at a higher risk of developing an eating disorder. Statistics about anorexia, bulimia and binge eating vary from country to country, but figures have been increasing since the 1970s. Currently, roughly 1 in a 50 females and 1 in 100 males in North America and Europe are affected.

While therapy, medicine and hospitalization can all help, prevention is better than cure.

When talking to teens as an adult, here are some tips.

❌NEVER encourage dieting or calorie-counting

❌NEVER comment on weight, yours, your child's or other people's

❌NEVER tease teens about their weight

✔️ALWAYS exercise for fitness, not weight loss

Low self-esteem leads to feelings of shame and failure. This is why low self-esteem fuels eating disorders.

It is vitally important you help your teen build up confidence in themselves. 

Here are some tips:

❌NO! "You got an A. Awesome!"

❌NO! "I wish you were good at maths like your cousin."

❌NO! "You look thin today. Well done."

❌NO! "You look buff. Been to the gym?"

✔️ALWAYS focus on the child's good character, not their body or achievements:

✔️YES "I love the way you are kind to your friends"

✔️YES "You worked really hard on that project"

✔️YES "I'm proud that you're a thoughtful person"

Want to read more?  Check out these articles

Teens and Weight: Talking About Weight Doesn’t Help Teens Lose Weight 

Parents' Talk About Teen's Weight Can Backfire

Why Parents Shouldn’t Talk About Weight With Their Teens

Image by Tumisu