How To Talk About Bad BreakUps

We're talking more and more about tough issues such as emotional abuse, rape and relationship violence. This is great! 

But as the subject is such a painful one, it can be tough to figure out how to approach these discussions.

Here's a quick easy guide.

When you're talking to a victim
You're chatting away, saying casually, "So, you broke up, huh? What happened?" and the person you're talking to bursts into tears, shuts down or is visibly uncomfortable. Your heart sinks and you realise you've entered difficult territory.

#1 Rule: Resist the impulse to ask about the gory details!

Do not ask for details
BECAUSE
1) It is asking the victim to relive the trauma, which is cruel.
2) Asking for details can also sound like, "I need to know your reasoning", which implies you have the right to judge, which you don't.
 
Just say,

    I'm so sorry. I can see this is painful for you.
    Would you like to talk about this or shall we change the subject?

And leave it up to the victim.

When you're the victim
Sometimes you want to talk and sometimes you don't. In case you need a script for when you're tired and fed up, try this:

    It was a difficult/violent/abusive relationship
    You will understand this is painful to me
    I won't discuss it

IF THEY PUSH: try and resist the temptation to call them damn insensitive interfering busybodies. Although it's an accurate description, it probably won't help.

Definitely don't bop them on the nose. Tempting as it is, it's illegal.

Deep breath, centre yourself and repeat forcefully, "This is painful to me. I won't discuss it."
Or simply walk away.

Don't worry about seeming to be rude. Removing yourself from being harassed is simply sensible behaviour.

Want to support victims?
Many victims are paralysed by public interest and scrutiny. Being questioned, gossiped about and examined by all and sundry is being traumatised all over again.

Here's how you can transform your family parties, office, school and club into a safe space that supports victims:

#1 Shut down gossip.
Beatings, shouting matches and drama are fuel for gossip but it's a dagger to the heart for victims. When people are relishing the horror with juicy gossip, speak up. "This is not a TV drama. This is real people hurting. I won't listen to this kind of talk."

#2 When you see a victim being pestered, speak up.
"John/Julie have made it clear they don't want to discuss it. Respect that." And then change the subject.

#3 Point out uncomfortable home truths.
"This is a private matter for John/Julie. It does not concern others."
"This is a private personal matter for John/Julie. You don't have a right to judge."

Speak up!  Make the world a better place for victims.  

Three Traditional Parenting Approaches That Leave Emotional Scars

Over the years, a good number of my Malaysian and South East Asian clients have discussed several common childhood experiences that have shaped their adult mental health twenty, thirty and even forty years on. 

 

I'm sharing here, in case it's happened to you. 

"I will leave you in the road by yourself"

Said once when in a temper because a kid's dawdling is human. But when used as a threat, and when mock-abandonment is used as a punishment, you get several things happening.

First, the child feels insecure. They know they can't rely on their family to keep them safe. So, they become anxious. As adults, they suffer from anxiety and are easily stressed.

Second, some decide that as they can't rely on their family, they can't rely on anyone. That fear knocks on and causes issues in their adult relationships with spouses, bosses, and friends.

Third, this kind of punishment can lead to the kid deciding the world is a hostile place and that action is better than suffering. As a teen, this can be in the form of rebellion (anger, joining gangs etc). As an adult, you're looking at a nasty cycle of emotional and possibly physical violence.

"I am your mother/father and I am never wrong"

This attitude sends an important message: kids learn that being an adult means you never have to take ownership of bad behaviour or apologize.

In a nutshell, adults who act like gods, teach their kid to be devils. Little kids from homes like these get into trouble with their playmates at school because they copy their mums and dads. 

If they're lucky, teachers and other adults model proper behaviour and teach them how to get along.

If they're unlucky, they're lonely as kids and they run into trouble as adults because they won't deal effectively with their own bad behaviour in their own relationships, including those with their partners, their own kids, friends and with employees/staff.

Hello to fights, divorce, loneliness and huge staff turnover. Never mind the lack of personal growth.

"You'd look better if you're thinner/more muscular"

Telling a child they need to be slim or to look ripped is telling your kids they're unlovable. Apart from having rock bottom self-esteem, this lays the ground for teenage mental health issues that includes eating disorders, body image issues and unhealthy lifestyles including drug and alcohol abuse. 

 

Kids who grow up feeling that they're unlovable, suffer. They don't understand that it's the parenting that's lousy; they think they're somehow 'wrong'. 

 

These poor kids may become bulimic, depressed, anxious or self-harm. They may try and compensate and become over-achievers. Or they just give up and burn out. Or they join a gang that offers them the love they crave.

As adults, they may continue to be anorexic, bulimic, depressed, anxious and there's a big chance they fall for abusive partners who leverage that inner feeling of worthlessness in order to gain control.

There are more things that happen in families that cause pain for generations, but these are three common things that come up over and over again that we seldom discuss.

I think it's time to talk. 

Photo credit: Image by Mandyme27 from Pixabay

One Tweak Made My Year Much Happier

Talking to Target makes me happy

You know how it is: at New Year you're determined to have a relaxed time and be a better person but by February you're uptight and back to being stressed and bad tempered. This year, I've managed to do a little better and it was surprisingly easy.

I've written about happiness scheduling before. This year, I've worked at putting it into practice. 

Basically, the theory goes like this: we schedule shitty things like dental appointments and bill paying but we dismiss the fun stuff like chatting with friends or going for a walk. So, with the happiness scheduling system, you focus on shoving the fun bits back into your life.

I now spend time every morning consciously enjoying the moment. On Mondays, I chat with a friend for an hour and afterwards Target and I go outside to have a purr and to listen to the birds. For the rest of the week, I have my coffee while the cats breakfast, and then Target and I sit outside.

Basically, that's it! Just taking a few minutes out to connect with nature and cat purrs is enough to give me a happy boost.

Although it's super simple, it's surprising how often I'm tempted to skip it because I have things to do. Dull things like write up notes. But I catch myself and remind myself that I deserve to have fun.

Target is the chief office snoopervisor

After all, life is for living and enjoying, otherwise, what's the point?

I know it but between you and me, that focusing on the joy thing can be awkward. I sometimes catch myself thinking, "Sheesh, Ellen. Conscious appreciation of joy. Seriously? What's next? Astrology and retro-phrenology?" because I'm skeptical.

But, I'm also super practical and this stuff works. Over the year it's become a part of my day, boosting my day. And as the habit has matured, I'm not trying to talk myself back into bad habits anymore either.

So there you go. I'm sharing in the hope that it helps you.

I'm dreading Christmas. Do I have to go home?

It's that time of year again where we celebrate the awesomeness of families.  But if your home is more like Arrested Development meets Jax Teller's family from Sons of Anarchy, then this will be a super tricky period.

Talking about mean families is taboo, especially during big holidays. While child abuse, emotional abuse and physical abuse is rampant, many 'nice' people prefer to close their eyes to all that nastiness. They go about, refuting the idea that not all of us have a warm loving home.

So if you want to talk about your emotions and circumstances, you might hear incredibly stupid, and downright dangerous advice like,

"They're your family, forgive them."

"They don't mean it. Just don't listen."

"You must have done something. Just pray and be good to them."

And that's how you end up in hospital because mummy dearest went overboard this time with the beating or daddy finally convinced you that you're so worthless you actually went and slit your wrists.

If your family are horrible, this post is to help you navigate through some decisions and to offer you some practical advice.

#1 HOW TO DECIDE IF YOU GO OR OPT OUT

The pressure to go home and act as if you're a Disney family where all is peace and love can be overwhelming. Also, abusive families tend to do a good job into conditioning victims to keep coming back for more. And their helpful enablers are there to guilt you into it, too.

That's why you end up talking yourself into going home, only to get there and think, "Doh!  How did I forget?"

Now we're a few weeks away, I think it's important to ask a series of questions.

If you go:

·         Are you in physical danger, as in does you family hit, slap or threaten violence?

·         Will your family harass or tease you until you are visibly upset and/or can't take it anymore?

·         Do your family treat your partner like rubbish?

If you can say yes to any of these, then my question would be, why go? If they can't even meet this low standard of human decency, you are under no obligation to put yourself or your partner into such awful circumstances.

If you decide to skip it, here's how to do it with minimum fuss.

1.       Don't announce your intentions in advance. If you say you're not going, you get all the flying monkeys, the screaming hordes who think it's best for you to go and have a terrible time because it suits their notions of 'what looks right'. Plan not to go, and keep it secret so you're not pressured.

2.       On the day, send a text and claim you missed the flight, bus or had to go into work. Then switch off your phone. Then do what makes you happy. If that means tickets to the beach resort, awesome!

3.       After the holiday, you can choose to engage and reset the rules. Or you can choose to walk away for a year or forever.

4.       Remember: your family don't own you. Disengaging can take some doing (you may need to move home or switch phone numbers) but there are lots of people who are estranged and they thrive.  Just make sure you're safe as you go about it.

#2 IF YOU WANT TO GO BUT LIMIT YOUR ENGAGEMENT

(This is also the system for if you skip this holiday and then engage later but want to change the rules)

Start by thinking over what usually happens. Like, most families have a set pattern of behaviour that governs the abuse.

It starts with the soup. Mum serves up a bowl and Dad will point out that I'm too fat and should skip this. Ten minutes later, they're both telling me I won't marry, am in the wrong career, and basically that if I were just completely different, they'd be much happier.

Run the last few times they went at you through your head and work out how they work.

Now work out what the abuse does to you.

You must warn the family in advance where your boundaries are, so write it down.

Then resolve what you will do if it happens. Like, one warning and then you leave.

Finally, and this is the tough step, you need to announce your new hard limits. This is best done via text.

To follow our example, you'd text to mum and dad:

"Mum, Dad, this year I want no personal remarks about my body, my career or anything else. It's not 'advice' and it's not helpful. It's just mean."

They won't take it lying down. Abusive people enjoy their power and they will gaslight you, harass you, play the victim and more. Expect,

"You're so sensitive."

"You're our child. You're not allowed to tell us what to do. "

"We never say things like that. You're imagining it. Also, your mum has fainted from your totally false accusations."

And the text from Uncle Ken who rants, "You're so ungrateful! I'm disgusted by you!"

Remember: at this point you can still choose not to go. Seeing you've opened the conversation, you may consider being up front, "If you feel that way, I'll skip this year." Or, just say nothing and on the day tell them you won't be there.

If they promise better behaviour, then you need to go to step two: harness your support group.

You may have uncles, aunts, cousins or friends who attend who will back you up when the abuse starts. Talk to them in advance so they know what's going to happen. If trouble strikes, they may defend you but most likely they will only be willing to redirect the conversation.

"Dad, I told you, no personal remarks. They're hurtful. Aunt Peg, do tell me about your garden. How's it going?"

Alternatively, have a friend or two who is on your side stand by on text.

Finally, remember that if your boundaries are ignored, you must do as you said and leave. This is important because your family need to learn that you are serious about demanding respect.  

Leaving is best done in style. Don't yell or scream, just exit. Again, abusive families will pretend to be sick, have fits, hurt themselves and will threaten to cut you off forever. Don't fall for their playacting! If you go back, they'll bully you until the end of your life.  Just keep going.

Walking out once won't fix it but if you keep walking out when they're being mean, they will eventually learn to behave themselves.

I know it's tough and you may be scared of what they will do. But believe me, it's better to be away from all that hurt than volunteering for it. I hope this helps.

Photo Credit: Image by Peter Dargatz from Pixabay