The Truth About Abuse #5 — Why Leaving Is So Hard (and Why You Keep Going Back)

If leaving were easy, you'd be gone already. Here's what keeps people stuck in abusive relationships.

It should be so simple: when you're in an abusive relationship, you leave.

Many laws are based on this (wrong!) assumption. The woman who puts up with years of black eyes and bruises, the man who is systematically picked clean of every penny he has, when they finally snap, bystanders say, "But you could have walked."

Not true.

I've worked with women and men in 20+ countries who have struggled leaving an abusive relationship. What I've learned from hundreds of clients is that the barriers to leaving are real, complex, and often invisible to outsiders. Here are the main reasons why it's so hard:

Three Emotional Hooks

Fear of Violence

Abusers have no brakes. They do what they like, when they like. So it's no surprise if you are terrified that your abuser will come after you.

And they do! Ask any police officer and they'll tell you that it's common for violent exes to hunt down their victim. Spurned abusive exes may bang on your door and scream, threaten you, trash your car, kill your pet, or attack you.

Reach for freedom 

Then there's no contact violence. Nasty exes have all kinds of ways to hurt you: Revenge porn. Cyberstalking. Racking up bills in your name. Calling your boss or colleagues and telling lies. Launching court cases

It's devastating.

This terror is exactly what I help my clients work through in therapy. The fear doesn't magically disappear when you leave - it often intensifies. Learning to manage this fear while staying committed to your safety is crucial recovery work.

Worse, we all know that these violent types are rarely punished. We see it on the news, we hear about it from friends.

Most countries have no interest in protecting victims of violence.

In stories, it's typically women being abused by men. But men are abused by women, and same sex couples can be abusive too.

Example: in the UK now, two out of three victims of abusive partners are women, and one third are men. link

Kids and Pets

Abusers have no problem taking hostages. So if you leave, fear of what they may do to the kids or pets is overwhelming.
• "You'll never see the kids again."
• "I'll make sure the kids know everything is your fault."
• "I'll put the cats in a shelter – or maybe I'll drown them."

Note: skilled abusers are very quick to have kids and some gift partners with a pet early in the relationship so they have ammunition later.

Again, men and women suffer from these threats.

The guilt and terror around children and pets keeps many of my clients trapped long after they know they need to leave. Working through these fears - and the reality behind the threats - is often the breakthrough that finally enables escape.

Hope and Love

As we discussed in The Truth About Abuse #1 —What It Really Is and How It Works, abusers are rarely nasty all the time. They typically alternate between abuse and honeymoon periods.

This messes with our minds. We can't believe someone we know is actively dangerous and has no problem being cruel to us.

So you hope, "If only I can do this one thing, it will be perfect all the time."
You remember the good times – and the bad ones fade.
And the abuser plays on this, pulling your strings to manipulate you.

So you stay. Or when you leave, you're persuaded to return.

This cycle of hope and manipulation is one of the hardest patterns to break. Even after leaving, many of my clients struggle with these feelings. The good memories feel more real than the abuse. Understanding why this happens - and how to resist it - is essential therapy work.

Sadly, staying within reach can end nastily. In truth, most murders are committed by the people we love.

The most dangerous period is the first month, and then the first year to eighteen months. If you can get past that, without going back, the danger drops.

How dangerous is it? Well, for example, in the UK 276 women and 86 men were killed by a partner or ex partner between March 2018 to 2020. Link But this doesn't count people who suicided rather than face their abuser. Link

The Big Bad World: Social And Financial Systems

Fear of Judgement

Everyone worries, "What will my friends say?" It's embarrassing, especially if they want details or you feel judged.

It's worse if your community normalises violence. 

Usually, this is sold as "family values." 

What it really means is, "We're okay if you suffer. Just shut up already."

If you try and save yourself, the bullying is horrendous and unrelenting.

Your fears can range from:
• "People will tell me off in public."
• "Our neighbours will stop talking to my family."
• "If my employer finds out I left, I will be fired."
• "My family will kill me."

Financial Dependence

Money is freedom. Abusers sabotage your independence.

Getting caught in this trap can sound like:
• "Your name doesn't need to be on the paperwork. Don't you trust me?"
• "A man's purpose is to make money for the family."
• "If you love me, you'll take out that loan."
• "Why are you so grasping? X needs that money."

Know you're not alone! Thispaper lists how financial abuse works in dozens of countries.

You Lose Your Home

Rent is expensive, and few people can afford to live alone. Especially with kids or pets.

Even if there's no abuse, just breaking up can lead to homelessness. Example: In the UK in 2016, 1 out of 3 people said breaking up with their partner might leave them homeless. Link

In abusive relationships, financial abuse is common.

Many of my clients, female and male, spent years paying mortgages, only to discover they lost the property when they broke free.

Research on this is poor, which is why I draw from direct client experience as well. But one US study found 50% of women who owned a home or were independent renters before their abusive relationship, lost that when they escaped. Link

Economics and Social Systems

In the West, we pay tax that supports strangers. In the UK, EU, Australia etc, if you lose your job or leave your abusive partner, tax payers will help you stay in a shelter, pay rent, and give you money for food.

In the rest of the world, money is kept within the family. If you lose your job or leave your abusive partner, it's your family that keeps you. So if they don't like you, you're sunk. There is no support.

Because of this, the west's abuse information only works there. Exiting abusive relationships is different outside of a Western social system.

That's why my advice is adapted for your culture and country. I'm multicultural, my family is multicultural, and I've spent years as an expat.

Bottom Line

Leaving an abusive relationship can sometimes be as easy as walking out. Usually, it's much harder. 

• Leaving is dangerous because abusers often fight back hard. 

• It's costly because you risk your money, your home, and your security. 

• Your emotions will be at war with your safety as fear, love, and hope keep you confused. 

• Plus, you may have people actively shoving you back into hell.

So if you are struggling to leave or to stay away, know this is perfectly normal!

And this is exactly why therapy support makes all the difference. These barriers don't disappear the moment you walk out the door. They follow you, creating the emotional chaos that pulls people back into danger.

Tips For Leaving and Staying Safe

Leaving safely takes planning.

Consult Domestic Violence Experts. Your local domestic violence charity will tell you about resources like shelters, offer legal advice, and explain what typically works and does not in your legal system.

They also offer a comprehensive guide to leaving safely, covering essential topics like which documents to gather, how to protect your children, the use of protection orders, workplace safety measures, and other crucial information.

This resource lists all the domestic violence helplines in every country recognised by the United Nations: https://nomoredirectory.org

What Therapy Can Do For You

In films, you escape and everything is okay. In real life, escaping a bad time is followed by a recovery period. During this period, expect guilt, hope, and fear to rush in. It's perfectly natural; you've had a bad time, someone has manipulated your emotions, and so it's hard to know what's what.

Also, your abuser may threaten you, pretend to suicide, spread rumours, and more.

That's where therapy shines!

Every barrier I've described above – the fear, the manipulation, the financial stress, the social pressure – these continue after you leave.

A few sessions will help you supercharge your recovery by: 

• Processing the emotional turmoil that keeps you questioning your decision 

• Practicing strategies for fighting manipulation when they promise to change 

• Learning to say no with confidence when there's pressure to return 

• Maintaining clarity when guilt, fear, and hope try to pull you back 

• Rebuilding your confidence and independence after years of being torn down

Here's what my international clients tell me matters most: my service is completely confidential. Nobody will know you're getting my support. So you can say anything you like to me, and once we're done, you walk away and live your best life.

The most dangerous period is the first year to eighteen months after leaving. This is when most people go back - not because they want to, but because the emotional manipulation and practical pressures become overwhelming.

Don't try to handle this alone. The barriers that kept you trapped don't disappear when you escape.

Ready to break free for good? Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation. I'll help you stay strong and clear through the most dangerous period.

Next in the series: You Don't 'Attract' Abusers — why it's not your fault and never has been.

The Truth About Abuse #4 —You Can’t ‘Work on It’ Together. Why abuse isn’t a “relationship problem” you can fix as a couple, and why couples therapy may be actively dangerous.

Here's a scenario I see constantly in my practice:

Sam rages when upset. And there’s a lot of rage. If Alex wants to meet up with a friend, Sam is nasty about it. If Alex has to work late one night, Sam sulks and slams about the house. As for disagreeing, Alex is now terrified to say anything because Sam will blow up or give Alex the silent treatment. 

Alex is walking on eggshells and constantly stressed. 

So, should Alex and Sam go to couples therapy? 

Before you answer, ask a question: who here has the problem?
Answer: Sam has an issue. Alex does not. 

Truth: couples therapy is amazing if you have two people with a relationship issue.
Abuse isn’t a relationship problem. Abuse is a one person’s problem. And trying to ‘fix it together’ in couples therapy doesn't just make things worse; it can be actively dangerous.

You can recover from abuse!

Why Couples Therapy Fails With Abusers

As we discussed briefly last time, Why Some People Choose to Be Abusive, abusive behaviour is learned and it is rewarding in the short term. 

Best case scenario: suppose Sam has fallen into bad habits, he realises it, and intends to change. To get there, Sam needs to commit to deep self-reflection, accountability, analysis and practicing new habits. 

In therapy sessions, these conversations can be uncomfortable. Most often, my clients will say something like, “Oh God, I was awful!” It stings! But then we move on and work on the new better behaviour.  The process is tricky but ultimately extremely rewarding.

Now, asking Sam to do that in front of Alex makes this process ten times harder. In fact, Sam may just not want to do it at all. Because admitting our human failings is difficult. That’s issue #1.

Issue #2 is that a partnership is about two equals supporting each other through life. Suppose Sam bites the bullet and has new behaviour to practice. Is Alex suddenly going to be teacher, mentor or (even worse!) Sam’s mum?

That dynamic would mess up the relationship in a different way. 

So with a nice Sam gone wrong, Alex should stay out of Sam’s therapy sessions. 

Worse case scenario: Sam is a nasty piece of work who has no intention of changing but he wants his punching bag to stay in place. So he acts remorseful, fully intending to act nice for a short time. Then Alex will stay, and he can quietly revert to his normal abusive self later. 

In these cases, Sam hijacks the sessions. 

If Sam is clever, the charm flows. There are lots of amazing promises. For a brief spell, there’s faults admitted, remorse shown and wonderful loving behaviour. Maybe there are some tears and a sob story about childhood for extra effect thrown in. 

Alex buys it, heads home, stops sessions, and Sam quietly slips back into the old cruelties.
If Sam is less sharp, there’s resistance and then Sam pins the blame on Alex for causing upset. Minimizing, blaming, and gaslighting kick into full gear.

Some therapists see through it. Others don’t spot the tactic, falling for Sam’s ploys and siding with the idea that Alex must be partly at fault.

Sam subtly steers the sessions. It ends with Alex wondering if being hard to live with is the real issue, so home they go, where Sam tightens the screws, quietly punishing Alex for seeking help. Sam will also use the therapist’s words, twisting and bending the experience to advantage.

Understanding DARVO

Tip: Sams are incredibly good at using therapy terms for their own purposes. Like torturing you with the silent treatment and calling it ‘boundaries’ or pretending that you have a mental health issue such as being bipolar.

Nasty Sams are especially talented at calling you an abuser. If you want to Google it, it’s called DARVO meaning Deny wrongdoing, Attack the victim or those holding them accountable, and Reverse the victim and offender roles. 

Nasty Sams using DARVO are now recognised as a serious issue by charities helping abuse victims through the legal system.  Remember, abusive behavior isn't gender-specific - anyone can use these manipulative tactics. link

Bottom Line: When there is abusive behaviour in a relationship, the person who is abusive signs up for therapy. 

In my practice, I work with both people recovering from abuse and those genuinely committed to changing their harmful patterns. The work is different for each, but both require the safety and focus that only individual therapy can provide.

What about Alex? Alex isn't abusive so doesn’t need to change. However, being targeted for abuse is exhausting and frightening, and can lead to psychological damage including anxiety, depression, and c-PTSD. 

This is where individual therapy becomes crucial - not to change Alex's behaviour, but to help them heal from the trauma and rebuild their sense of self.

But Alex absolutely should not be in sessions with Sam.

What If We’re Both Abusive?

Great question! In that case, you each find a therapist and use individual sessions to work on yourselves. 

Can you go to the same therapist? Yes, it’s actually very common. 

Read up on how it works here: Is It Okay For You And Your Friend To See The Same Therapist? What About Partners, Exes, Cousins And So On? Talking About Confidentiality And Neutrality

Can abusers be fixed?

Again, good question but it’s tough to answer. 

Most research focusses on the nasty Sams who are in legal trouble, usually for physical violence. 

These Sams may be forced to attend therapy but how well it works is hotly debated. Some have added issues such as drug addiction, some belong to criminal gangs that promote and normalise violence, and some just aren’t interested in change.  

Also, many of these studies focus on the criminal but don’t talk to their victims. So you basically have nasty Sams reporting their miraculous new selves without checking with the Alexs if it’s true. 

Finally, clever nasty Sams who get police attention, learn very quickly how to be violent without breaking the law.  Link 1 Link 2 

And in many countries, police and law courts are not interested in punishing Sams for terrorising Alexs. We’ve all seen reports of an Alex who has been let down over and over by the authorities.  WHO report UK report UK report UK police

For the nasty Sams, I’d say you should run far away and stay far away. 

For the basically decent Sams who have fallen into bad habits, there is less research. That’s because these Sams change without access to the criminal system so there are few records kept. Maybe they read books, there are family or friend interventions, or they go for personal therapy.

My view: it’s usually positive. 

If you recognize yourself in either role - the person causing harm or receiving it - individual therapy offers the specialized support you need to either change destructively learned patterns or heal from their impact.

If your family and friends are still with you, you have a good chance of upping your game and being the best you. 

If you’ve missed the cues and your family and friends are no longer talking to you, you can still up your game and be the best you. 

Maybe you make up with some of the people you’ve hurt. 
It’s also possible that some of those people just don’t want to try again.
That’s sad, but it doesn’t mean you’re sunk. 
You can make new friends and build new relationships that last.

Tip: to make therapy work, you must invest in it. 

That means: 
•    Being honest and open in the sessions
•    Doing your homework!
•    And turning up every week at first

You can’t turn up once and decide you’re fixed. Or go once every two or three months and expect personal growth and development.

It took you time to become abusive, months or maybe years.  Therefore, it will take time for you to figure out what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, and then to change your behaviour.

Therapy won’t take years, even if you’ve been that way for a long time, but don’t expect it to be an instant fix. 

Do We Need To Split Up?

If there is physical violence, yes. 

A slap can break your nose or crush a cheekbone, disfiguring you for life. 
A hard shove can knock you over, have you hit your head and you may die. 

If there is violence, you must leave.

If there is no physical violence, then you’re an adult and you make your choices. 

With a nasty Sam who isn’t physically violent, there will be no change. If you stay, you’ll have 50 years of nasty Sam.
 
With a fundamentally decent Sam who acts abusively, you may stay, separate for a while, or decide that the behaviour has killed the relationship. 

Whatever you choose is totally up to you. The questions I would ask are: “If I saw my relationship on TV in a soap opera, what would I be screaming at the screen” and then “If this relationship doesn’t change, do I want 50 years of this?” 

Also, as we discussed in Why Some People Choose to Be Abusive, remember that abusive behaviour is learned and it is rewarding. So don’t lie to yourself that the abuser ‘doesn’t know what they’re doing’ or that ‘it’s their sad childhood.’ 

There is no excuse for bad behaviour! 

If you’re not sure which kind of Sam you have, assume the worst until proven otherwise

And if you are generous and you give your Sam a chance, set solid goals with a time limit and if your Sam doesn’t shape up – and stay with it! – leave.

Be prudent: you have one life, don’t make choices that stop you enjoying it. 

If this piece resonates with your experience, you don't have to navigate these complex dynamics alone. I offer individual online therapy sessions specifically focused on abuse recovery, changing harmful relationship patterns, and rebuilding healthy connections. 

Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation. I'll help you stay strong and clear through the most dangerous period.

Next piece: The Truth About Abuse #5— Why Leaving Is So Hard (and Why You Keep Going Back)
If leaving were easy, you’d already be gone. Here’s what really keeps people stuck in abusive relationships.