Sam rages when upset. And there’s a lot of rage. If Alex wants to meet up with a friend, Sam is nasty about it. If Alex has to work late one night, Sam sulks and slams about the house. As for disagreeing, Alex is now terrified to say anything because Sam will blow up or give Alex the silent treatment.
Alex is walking on eggshells and constantly stressed.
So, should Alex and Sam go to couples therapy?
Before you answer, ask a question: who here has the problem?
Answer: Sam has an issue. Alex does not.
Truth: couples therapy is amazing if you have two people with a relationship issue.
Abuse isn’t a relationship problem. Abuse is a one person’s problem. And trying to ‘fix it together’ in couples therapy doesn't just make things worse; it can be actively dangerous.
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| You can recover from abuse! |
Why Couples Therapy Fails With Abusers
As we discussed briefly last time, Why Some People Choose to Be Abusive, abusive behaviour is learned and it is rewarding in the short term.
Best case scenario: suppose Sam has fallen into bad habits, he realises it, and intends to change. To get there, Sam needs to commit to deep self-reflection, accountability, analysis and practicing new habits.
In these cases, conversation with a therapist (me!) can be a little embarrassing. Most often, these Sams will say something like, “Oh God, I was awful!” It stings! But then we move on and work on the new better behaviour. The process is tricky but ultimately extremely rewarding.
Now, asking Sam to do that in front of Alex makes this process ten times harder. In fact, Sam may just not want to do it at all. Because admitting our human failings is difficult. That’s issue #1.
Issue #2 is that a partnership is about two equals supporting each other through life. Suppose Sam bites the bullet and has new behaviour to practice. Is Alex suddenly going to be teacher, mentor or (even worse!) Sam’s mum?
That dynamic would mess up the relationship in a different way.
So with a nice Sam gone wrong, Alex should stay out of Sam’s therapy sessions.
Worse case scenario: Sam is a nasty piece of work who has no intention of changing but he wants his punching bag to stay in place. So he acts remorseful, fully intending to act nice for a short time. Then Alex will stay, and he can quietly revert to his normal abusive self later.
In these cases, Sam hijacks the sessions.
If Sam is clever, the charm flows. There are lots of amazing promises. For a brief spell, there’s faults admitted, remorse shown and wonderful loving behaviour. Maybe there are some tears and a sob story about childhood for extra effect thrown in.
Alex buys it, heads home, stops sessions, and Sam quietly slips back into the old cruelties.
If Sam is less sharp, there’s resistance and then Sam pins the blame on Alex for causing upset. Minimizing, blaming, and gaslighting kick into full gear.
Some therapists see through it. Others don’t spot the tactic, falling for Sam’s ploys and siding with the idea that Alex must be partly at fault.
Sam subtly steers the sessions. It ends with Alex wondering if being hard to live with is the real issue, so home they go, where Sam tightens the screws, quietly punishing Alex for seeking help. Sam will also use the therapist’s words, twisting and bending the experience to advantage.
Understanding DARVO
Tip: Sams are incredibly good at using therapy terms for their own purposes. Like torturing you with the silent treatment and calling it ‘boundaries’ or pretending that you have a mental health issue such as being bipolar.
Nasty Sams are especially talented at calling you an abuser. If you want to Google it, it’s called DARVO meaning Deny wrongdoing, Attack the victim or those holding them accountable, and Reverse the victim and offender roles.
Nasty Sams using DARVO are now recognised as a serious issue by charities helping abuse victims through the legal system. Don’t forget, abuse is a game anyone can play. Nasty women use DARVO too. link
Bottom Line: When there is abusive behaviour in a relationship, the person who is abusive signs up for therapy.
What about Alex? Alex isn’t abusive so she doesn’t need to change her behaviour. However, being the target of abuse is exhausting, frightening and it can lead to psychological damage including anxiety, depression, and c-PTSD.
Alex may want to sign up for some sessions herself to talk through her experiences and heal.
But she absolutely should not be in sessions with Sam.
What If We’re Both Abusive?
Great question! In that case, you each find a therapist and use individual sessions to work on yourselves.
Can you go to the same therapist? Yes, it’s actually very common.
Read up on how it works here: Is It Okay For You And Your Friend To See The Same Therapist? What About Partners, Exes, Cousins And So On? Talking About Confidentiality And Neutrality
Can abusers be fixed?
Again, good question but it’s tough to answer.
Most research focusses on the nasty Sams who are in legal trouble, usually for physical violence.
These Sams may be forced to attend therapy but how well it works is hotly debated. Some have added issues such as drug addiction, some belong to criminal gangs that promote and normalise violence, and some just aren’t interested in change.
Also, many of these studies focus on the criminal but don’t talk to their victims. So you basically have nasty Sams reporting their miraculous new selves without checking with the Alexs if it’s true.
Finally, clever nasty Sams who get police attention, learn very quickly how to be violent without breaking the law. Link 1 Link 2
And in many countries, police and law courts are not interested in punishing Sams for terrorising Alexs. We’ve all seen reports of an Alex who has been let down over and over by the authorities. WHO report UK report UK report UK police
For the nasty Sams, I’d say you should run far away and stay far away.
For the basically decent Sams who have fallen into bad habits, there is less research. That’s because these Sams change without access to the criminal system so there are few records kept. Maybe they read books, there are family or friend interventions, or they go for personal therapy.
My view: it’s usually positive.
If your family and friends are still with you, you have a good chance of upping your game and being the best you.
If you’ve missed the cues and your family and friends are no longer talking to you, you can still up your game and be the best you.
Maybe you make up with some of the people you’ve hurt.
It’s also possible that some of those people just don’t want to try again.
That’s sad, but it doesn’t mean you’re sunk.
You can make new friends and build new relationships that last.
Tip: to make therapy work, you must invest in it.
That means:
• Being honest and open in the sessions
• Doing your homework!
• And turning up every week at first
You can’t turn up once and decide you’re fixed. Or go once every two or three months and expect personal growth and development.
It took you time to become abusive, months or maybe years. Therefore, it will take time for you to figure out what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, and then to change your behaviour.
Therapy won’t take years, even if you’ve been that way for a long time, but don’t expect it to be an instant fix.
Do We Need To Split Up?
If there is physical violence, yes.
A slap can break your nose or crush a cheekbone, disfiguring you for life.
A hard shove can knock you over, have you hit your head and you may die.
If there is violence, you must leave.
If there is no physical violence, then you’re an adult and you make your choices.
With a nasty Sam who isn’t physically violent, there will be no change. If you stay, you’ll have 50 years of nasty Sam.
With a fundamentally decent Sam who acts abusively, you may stay, separate for a while, or decide that the behaviour has killed the relationship.
Whatever you choose is totally up to you. The questions I would ask are: “If I saw my relationship on TV in a soap opera, what would I be screaming at the screen” and then “If this relationship doesn’t change, do I want 50 years of this?”
Also, as we discussed in Why Some People Choose to Be Abusive, remember that abusive behaviour is learned and it is rewarding. So don’t lie to yourself that the abuser ‘doesn’t know what they’re doing’ or that ‘it’s their sad childhood.’
There is no excuse for bad behaviour!
If you’re not sure which kind of Sam you have, assume the worst until proven otherwise
And if you are generous and you give your Sam a chance, set solid goals with a time limit and if your Sam doesn’t shape up – and stay with it! – leave.
Be prudent: you have one life, don’t make choices that stop you enjoying it.
Next piece: The Truth About Abuse #5— Why Leaving Is So Hard (and Why You Keep Going Back)
If leaving were easy, you’d already be gone. Here’s what really keeps people stuck in abusive relationships.
