5 Inspiring Thoughts For A Monday

5 Thoughts For A Monday

Laughter is good for the soul. Surround yourself with people you can giggle with.

You don’t have to forgive yourself for being human. Apologise for your mistakes and move on.

Bad stuff happens to good people.

If your inner voice is constantly criticising, denigrating and badmouthing you, it’s probably not your conscience but more likely depression or low self esteem. Unless you’re a serial killer.

We all have several versions of ourselves: embrace them all with love and try to make the best you the dominant one.

With thanks, image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

I'm excited, because I'm in the newspaper!

I was lucky enough to score a profile in The Star, the Malaysian national daily.

Have a happy day!

"I'm gay and stressed. Will therapy work for me?"

When it comes to stigma, having mental health issues and being LGBTQ are at the top of the list in South East Asia and the Middle East. 

While I'm seeing more and more young people practicing affirmation, many people still live in fear. False beliefs are a problem too. Plus, the majority of people here have never gone to a therapy session and don't know anyone who has. 

Because of this, there can be a lot of misunderstanding and confusion of who can go to therapy and how it works.

So one of the questions I'm asked fairly often is, "I'm gay. Will therapy work for me?"

I thought it would be useful to have a chat today about the philosophy and practice of therapy with some context for the LGBTQ community.

First, being LGBTQ is not a mental health problem. It doesn't need to be fixed. You are perfect as you are!

Second, like everyone on the planet, LGBTQ people suffer from anxiety, depression, stress, relationship issues and mental health problems just like everyone else.

So, what can you expect going into a therapy session with me?

There are more than 50 therapy approaches. You've probably heard of psychoanalysis that was made famous by Sigmund Freud, and person-centered therapy pioneered by Carl Rogers as these tend to be shown most often in films and TV.

While therapy approaches are all different from each other, they have this in common: they define how personality works, what exactly causes mental health issues, and how we should go about fixing these issues. They also suggest how therapists and clients should work together.

Once you tell me what you want to work on, my duty is to explain what therapy approaches will work best.

Although I use lots of different approaches, one of the most popular for dealing with false beliefs and other patterns that come with depression, stress and anxiety (my area) is cognitive behavioural therapy - called CBT for short.

Basically, it works like this.

How CBT practitioners see Human Personality
As we go through life, we experience and react to events. The events themselves don't determine our emotions and behaviour, they're just events. It's our beliefs, how we think about those events, that decide how we feel and react.

Example: suppose you see a wasp in the garden. That's an event. How do you react? If you believe all wasps sting, then you will feel frightened (emotion) and will run away (behaviour).  

Now, suppose you decide you want to stop being afraid and running off. You hire a CBT practitioner and you learn in therapy that wasps hunt pests that kill bees and ruin crops. This will change your beliefs from 'stinger' to 'helpful creature'. Plus, you do some exercises.

Then, next time you see a wasp in the garden, you will say, "Hello nature's helper! Aren't you pretty in your yellow and black jacket?" and you will feel happy and not run away.

I love CBT because this theory is very empowering! CBT practitioners believe that we can learn to manage and even change our beliefs, emotions and behaviour.  

Where do mental health issues come from? The CBT view
Faulty or unhelpful thinking is the root of emotional and behavioural problems. 

How do you go about addressing mental health issues? The CBT view
We deconstruct what's going on, figuring out what your current beliefs and behaviour are.
Then we decide on your goals, how you'd like to think and behave ideally.
Then, we either work on replacing your current beliefs with more positive thinking or we work on learning new behaviour. Sometimes, we'll do both.

How should practitioners and clients work together? The CBT view
It's very much a cooperative venture where the therapist and client work together to figure out exactly what's going on.

Then, it is the therapist's job to tell the client what studies and research apply. The therapist develops a personalised system that will help the client make effective change.

The client is then responsible for practicing and creating change. Yes, clients get homework!

Can we use CBT for everything?
CBT is great for certain things like overcoming recurring difficult thoughts as well as fears and phobias. But it's not good for everything. For example, I would not use it to understand or cope with abuse.

So, is there CBT for LGBTQ clients?
Nope. It's the same approach for working with men or women, different races, sexualities etc etc.  As far as I know, all therapy approaches are universal. We work with people, and as people are all different from each other, therapy approaches are big picture.

Do we talk about sexuality? Well, sometimes. If you think your sexuality is impacting on the issue you want to address in therapy, then we definitely talk about it.  Otherwise, it may come up as we talk about your relationships. 

I understand that this is a scary prospect if you live in a country where you are persecuted. 

Please know I promote the affirmation of LGBTQ rights. Also, whatever you say to me is secret. I don't tell anyone you're talking to me. You can read up on that here.

So, if you need some help, do reach out.

Image by Benedikt Geyer

Stressed But Scared To Reach Out? What Happens In The First Session

Hi, good to see you again. If you want to ask questions or comment, email me.


I work with clients who are looking to manage stress and depression. As I live in Malaysia, I work with clients who live in my time zone: it runs roughly from Hong Kong and Australia to Saudi Arabia and the Emirates, and to the coasts of the USA. To figure out if it's workable, check here.

In our part of the world, there's a stigma about consulting mental health professionals, and so it can be a bit nerve wracking to reach out. Therefore, I thought I'd explain what happens in the first two sessions. You know, to take the fear out of the equation.

This first time we talk, we chat for about 20 mins. It's a free consultation so we can check that we can work together. Because we're talking over a video link, we start off by checking that the connection is stable. Then you tell me what kind of support you're looking for.  If I can help, and if we get along, we make an appointment for the first session.

The first session is where we explore the issues.  Depression and stress come in various forms, and they hit people differently. Also, there are several good therapy approaches.  So in this session we figure out what's going on and how we're going to work.

First, we talk about your overall background, like what you do, how old you are, and so on.

Then we look at what stressful events you've gone though in the last year. Like, have you moved house, changed jobs, had a health scare, had a baby, changed your lifestyle etcetera.

Then we look at your mental health, paying particular attention to common symptoms of depression. Like, how is your concentration, what's your appetite like, how are you sleeping, do you feel unusual sadness, have unreasonable flashes of anger.

Finally, we look at your support system. That involves a chat about how you get along with your friends, family, and colleagues.

At this point, we should have a reasonable idea of what's going on. I put together an overview, and we have a chat about goals and the approaches we might use to reach them.

At this point you'll be tired, so we set a bit of homework, simple things to get you started, and then we call it a day.

The first session covers a lot of ground, and takes about 90 minutes. But after that, sessions take about an hour.

So, I hope you find this useful. If you are looking for help, send me an email and we'll set up an appointment. 

How To Say The N-word

Years ago, the day after I'd moved house, a neighbour came up to me and said, "We're having a street meeting." 

I was still unpacking, I was tired, and so I said something casual about maybe looking in. 

He replied, "Oh, but I already told them you'd come." And then he added, "All the ladies are bringing something. You can cook something from your country."

Awkward, right?

One of the greatest challenges we face socially, is saying no. It can be quite difficult, especially if you're dealing with people you don't know well.

Many of us are worried about saying no because we wonder "what people might think". We worry that they'll think we're disagreeable, difficult or selfish. It's especially hard if you're female, or in a place that puts a lot of value on conforming.

There are several ways to address this.  My favourite, is to get some perspective. That's where you tell your story in the third person, describing just the events as if it's happened to other people. Then, give the fictional you advice.

Like with the story I just told. Telling it in the third person, that story would go like this:

Mia has just moved house. She's exhausted.
John comes round and says, "We're having a party!"
Mia replies, "Thanks. I'm too tired to go out, but I hope you have a good time."
John says, "But I said you'd come. Oh, and you should bring food, too."

QUESTION: what advice would you give to Mia?

Put this way, we'd be likely to tell Mia to skip the party and forget about it. Because John is being inconsiderate.

Perspective works because we tend to give very good practical advice to others, whereas we're often much too hard on ourselves. With perspective, you take away some of the personal elements; it helps you see clearly.

Once you've gained your perspective, you practice - or model, as we say in the trade.

What you do is write down what you think they will say, and your ideal answer. Then you run through it. The idea is that you get to practice in a safe space, and anticipate some of the issues that might crop up.

With saying no in the type of scenario I just described, you might be faced with responses like:
"But it won't be the same if you're not there!"
"We're depending on you to bring the cake/stew/whatever."
"Everyone is expecting you!"
"If you don't go, you'll ruin it!"

If you're faced with this live, that kind of pressure heaps up - because of that need to be nice and agreeable. However, if you get perspective and model, you'll see it for what it is: emotional blackmail. 

When you get that kind of response, you may be tempted to argue or justify. Don't do that! Stick to what matters: you were asked, you declined - and that's the end of it. Do not get drawn in to discussion. Just say, "No."

You can also use some non-defensive and assertive language. These are expressions that will help you cut down on arguments and that will help you draw personal boundaries. Here's a list.

Practice non-defensive responding phrases:
Oh?
Oh, I see.
That's interesting.
I'm sorry you feel that way THEN STOP TALKING
Thank you for your opinion. I'll take that on board. THEN STOP TALKING
I'm sorry you're hurt/upset/disappointed THEN STOP TALKING
I'm sorry you don't approve. THEN STOP TALKING
You're certainly entitled to your opinion THEN STOP TALKING
Let's do this some other time, when you're calmer. THEN STOP TALKING
Let me think about that. THEN STOP TALKING

Add in assertive phrases:
That is very hurtful
I don't appreciate it when you call me INSERT PHRASE HERE
When you speak that way, you hurt me
You agreed to hear me out.
Name calling and screaming won't get us anywhere.
It's not okay for you to talk to me that way.
I won't talk to you when you are yelling at me.
I won't stay if you speak to me this way
I won't stay when you are scaring me.

TOP TIP: if the person is abusive or threatening, WALK AWAY!

Saying no can be difficult, but doing so will cut your stress load. So, have a go, and if you are looking for professional help, send me an email. The first 20 minutes are free.

PS, I told my neighbour, "Absolutely not." And when he spluttered about having committed me already, I countered with, "They'll be fine when you bring along the dish you promised." 

He's been very polite ever since.

Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images

Coping With Sudden Trouble: My Personal Strategies 2 Socialising and Support

Last week I talked about how 2018 was a crisis year for me - which meant I got to road test standard coping techniques.  I'm sharing my experiences with you, in the hope that you find it useful.

Note: I started making a video, but Swooner came in and threw up and now it's raining. I'm taking it as a Sign to Wait For Tomorrow.

Last week was about organizing and minimizing; today is about socializing and support.

We are social creatures and we need to feel connected. However, being around people when you are over-stressed, is tricky.

Stress affects your emotions. You may be a little too quick to anger, or cry, or to see the negative side of a neutral or positive comment… 

Also, people who know you are in mid-crisis tend to ask questions, like, "How are you?" and "You poor thing. How are you coping?"

They mean to be kind, but it their questions can lead to you reliving the trauma that comes with crisis, instead of taking a break from it.

Plus, if you are lucky enough to have lots of friends, you may end up having the same conversation over and over. I become impatient when tired, and so I find this issue particularly difficult.

Then, there's 'advice'.  This is very popular, and it's well meant. Friends don't like to see you suffer, and so they tell you how they cope or think they'd cope, and they frame it as "you should" or "have you done this?"

However, even if it's good stuff, unasked for advice can come across as second-guessing or auditing.  Too much unasked for advice can have you questioning yourself and your coping strategies, thus further racking up the stress.

In short, being with people, even when they try to be helpful, might add to your stress in a time of crisis.

So, how do you manage it?

The first thing I do is to limit my socializing. 

I draw back completely from social media. Stress affects my temper, and with cross cultural text communication being a challenge, I think it's best to take a break.

Next, I only speak about the crisis to my family and my closest friends. I can say anything to them, and they are sane, sensible and supportive.

I also connect with people who've been through the same crisis experience. Sometimes, just sharing with someone who's been there and done that is a relief. 

At the same time, I up my face to face socializing. I lunch with writers, researchers, lawyers and academics, colleagues and acquaintances who don't know about my personal life. It's a great way to switch off from my troubles while giving me fresh things to think about.

Also, I have some pub buddies who are perfectly happy to talk about this that and the other, without treading on sore topics. We call it 'decompression' and it's lovely.

By carefully curating my social interaction, I get the best out of my support system and I cut down on the negatives. I think the concept is an important part of managing stress but the details of your approach have to be tailored to your personal experience.

If you want more details, take a look at the post on Support System Mapping. It's sensible, not psychology, but it's very, very useful!

Next time, we'll talk about saying no and setting boundaries.

Thank you for listening, and do leave a comment or come and talk to me on FB. And if you have an issue you want to discuss with a mental health professional, do contact me. The first 20 minutes are free.

Image by TeroVesalainen from Pixabay

 

 

 

 

Coping With Sudden Trouble: My Personal Strategies

I specialise in stress and depression, and as it happens, 2018 gave me an opportunity to road-test techniques and approaches. Over the next few weeks, I'm going to share what I did, how it worked for me, and hopefully, it will help you too.

If you don't know me, let me start by explaining that these last 12 months have not been easy.

Last February our best friend died in a shock smash and in March my husband, Tom, broke an arm and a leg. 

Tom was at home for three months, and helpless, poor soul.  During his convalescence, I was helping our friend's widow deal with the kind of red tape a sudden death generates. Also, there were some difficult family matters that cropped up. The year culminated with my estranged father's death in December.

I really thought we could get some peace, and then Guido, our wonderful cat, disappeared.

Recognising the signs of stress and burnout, I took the best part of six weeks off work. Now I'm back, and I'd like to share.

When life becomes too stressful...

Everyone is stressed nowadays. We all seem to be pushed to the max. Current advice tends to focus on coping, and this typically involves learning a stress relieving exercise such as visualising. I love that kind of exercise because it's a basic skill that will 'push up your Zen', as a friend calls it.

However, when your life is too stressful, you can't just whap on a Band-Aid like visualisation. Stress is a signal that you are over loading. It's okay for a very short time, but if you keep pushing yourself, you're going to damage your health.

Stress is a signal that you need to change your life.  

So, here's my first tip: when life becomes too complex, simplify.

Back in April, when I found myself running around 24/7 and too busy really to sleep properly, I stepped back and took a good look at how I was spending my time. This isn't psychology, it's practical time management, but it's a step towards good mental health:

Note down how you spend your time. Then, rationalise.

I have three jobs: counselling psychologist, columnist, and author. My other tasks were red tape for my friend's estate and some small projects I had on the go.

When I laid it all out, I realised that I was very organised about my work, but that I had allowed the red tape to take over.

What I was doing wrong: 

I was treating every bit of paperwork as an emergency. It wasn't. Taking phone calls and texts at all times of day, and prioritising whatever had to be done, meant I was ducking in and out of that task and stressing myself several times a week.

How I fixed it:   

I accepted all the texts, forms, letters and so on, but I put them aside and dealt with it all on Thursday mornings.

What I was doing wrong:  

Also, I had lost sight of what I am contracted to do and what work I take on as a favour.

How I fixed it:  

The small projects were mentoring work. As they were favours, I was at liberty to make my own rules. I informed the people involved that life had thrown me a couple of curve balls and that I would be available but only at certain times. Then I scheduled blocks of time weeks in advance.

What that did. 

By pushing those jobs into solid blocks, I lowered my stress level and was able to use the rest of my time more productively.

In addition, I changed some of my routines at home. I ordered groceries online to be delivered every Saturday so I could avoid going shopping. That's been a bit hit and miss, but overall, it's been useful.

Also, I dumped every single clothing item that needs ironing. Now I wear only pure cotton that goes in the dryer and can be hung up or folded, and miracle material blouses that are wash and shake dry. That has been a life saver and I seriously recommend everyone in the world adopt this!

As first steps, these moves really helped me. Next time I'd like to talk about socialising and support.

Want to discuss this? Come and talk to me here.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay