Are You A 996 Slave? How 'Always On' Is Killing Us

"We went to the park, and my kids were very good at learning the names of the flowers."
"I went to the pool and worked hard, swimming 25 laps."
"The book I'm reading over the weekend is a self-help one. I'm learning to manage people better."

For many of us, relaxation is a dirty word. Everything has to be 'worthy'. Even kids can't just have fun; they need to have Edutainment.

Anxiety and depression rates are going through the roof because we're switched on all the time. Our relaxing is clandestine, as if it's wrong or wicked to just hang out and enjoy ourselves.

"I feel guilty just watching Netflix."
"I can't go out and sit in the park. I need to do something like count my steps."
"I can't switch off my phone, even when on weekends and holidays."

If that is you, it's time to stop and think. You know you will drive yourself into burnout by working 24/7 - or 996 as they say in China. You need downtime to be a mentally healthy person.

So, where does all this push to be working all the time come from?

Part of the problem is that the message, "You must be successful" is pushed on us from young. We're trained to aspire to luxury clothes, new cars, holidays abroad and lots of fancy stuff. But it goes deeper than that. I think that for many people, labour itself is considered inherently worthy.

In terms of my own roots, Scottish-Dutch, I suspect the rot set in around the 1500s when some religious scholars started pushing the idea that hard work and plain living were symbols of being a good person, definitely destined for heaven. This Protestant Work Ethic became a big part of everyday life and was eventually spread from Europe to North America.

Some political philosophers think the idea was promoted by capitalists (you have to sneer here, it's obligatory) in order to coerce people into working hard. So the message, "Working hard is good for you" is really masking the hidden truth, "If you work hard, I can make lots of money off you."

Call me a cynic, but I think there's a lot to that.

When I look at my Southeast Asian friends, I can't help but wonder if China's Imperial Exams that started around 605, during the Sui dynasty, did a similar job in this part of the world.

The old emperors in that time had a handful of plum jobs and too many people vying for them, so they ran a set of exams, designed to 'weed out the unworthy' as it were.

The system was meant to keep the aristocrats on top, not to empower peasants and inconveniently talented poor people. So, to get a job managing the city drains (and making all the suppliers pay you kickbacks) you would be examined on your poetry, archery, calligraphy and knowledge of protocol.

Awesome, right? While anyone who complained about the drains might get a superbly penned note rather than competent engineers, I suspect that system fostered the idea that study equalled success. And as the study involved complex skills such as poetry and archery, you could be at it for years. Busy all the time, in other words.

Shove those traditions of work and study together with modern technology, and you get real trouble.

Until the 1980s, work and personal time were very separate. Once you left the office, it was hard to be in touch. Back then, you could duck into the club with your mates, and be totally undiscoverable. But by the 1990s, mobile phones and email made staying in touch a snap. And somehow, people convinced themselves that being jacked into the machine was a wonderful thing.

It isn't.

Work is fine if you like it and most of us need to earn regularly in order to pay our bills. However, too much work drives anxiety and depression. Furthermore, it kills relationships. Basically, the modern work ethic is a mind killer.

To stay healthy, we need clear lines between work and personal time. It is not acceptable to be answering messages from clients and bosses after hours. Work is work and home is home.

And when you're at home, you have chores that need to be done, but you should also have time to relax. That means watching Netflix without guilt, enjoying the park for its fresh air and generally enjoying yourself.

We don't exist to work; life is for living.
 
That's my mental health blog post for the week. Let me know what you think?

Image by AHTmedia from Pixabay

Avoid Eating Disorders. Weight Messages And Your Teen

You'd think that an open conversation about weight would be an awesome thing between parent and teenager. However, as a recent study shows, the effort is dangerously counterproductive. 

Teens can look grown-up but they are still developing. As the study shows, they tend to be overwhelmed by talk of weight. 

Also, popular culture pushes the idea that success=thin and beauty= thin. 

Watching TV and being on social media is already enough for perfectly healthy teens to develop the false belief that they're fat, ugly and worthless. Anxiety and stress make these perceptions worse.

Therefore, an adult's well intended chat about weight or diet can trigger an obsession with losing weight and dieting.

This puts kids at a higher risk of developing an eating disorder. Statistics about anorexia, bulimia and binge eating vary from country to country, but figures have been increasing since the 1970s. Currently, roughly 1 in a 50 females and 1 in 100 males in North America and Europe are affected.

While therapy, medicine and hospitalization can all help, prevention is better than cure.

When talking to teens as an adult, here are some tips.

❌NEVER encourage dieting or calorie-counting

❌NEVER comment on weight, yours, your child's or other people's

❌NEVER tease teens about their weight

✔️ALWAYS exercise for fitness, not weight loss

Low self-esteem leads to feelings of shame and failure. This is why low self-esteem fuels eating disorders.

It is vitally important you help your teen build up confidence in themselves. 

Here are some tips:

❌NO! "You got an A. Awesome!"

❌NO! "I wish you were good at maths like your cousin."

❌NO! "You look thin today. Well done."

❌NO! "You look buff. Been to the gym?"

✔️ALWAYS focus on the child's good character, not their body or achievements:

✔️YES "I love the way you are kind to your friends"

✔️YES "You worked really hard on that project"

✔️YES "I'm proud that you're a thoughtful person"

Want to read more?  Check out these articles

Teens and Weight: Talking About Weight Doesn’t Help Teens Lose Weight 

Parents' Talk About Teen's Weight Can Backfire

Why Parents Shouldn’t Talk About Weight With Their Teens

Image by Tumisu

How To Spot Fake Counsellors and Therapists (Including 'doctors')

Fake doctors who prey on those looking for help with autism, Alzheimer's, depression and other issues, are rampant in Malaysia and other parts of ASEAN. A sign of how bad it is, was a feature Quacks A Threat To Public in our national press a few weeks ago. 

If you missed it, here is an explanation of how they get away with it, and how you can avoid them.

In general, public hospitals tend to vet their people

In general, you can trust a psychiatrist to be real as these are medical doctors and governments are usually hot on policing those. Usually.

Medicine and medical tests are the province of medical doctors. Of the mental health practitioners, only psychiatrists, medical doctors who specialise in mental health, do these.
Psychologists, therapists, counsellors and so on don't them
So, if you're asked for a urine test or told to buy vitamins or whatever, and you are not talking to a psychiatrist - run!

Governments can be lax about who's calling themselves a psychologist. But universities will out fakes who claim to be alumni, although it can  take a while.

Everyone knows about the fakes and so we're careful to state on our business cards and websites exactly what we studied and where.
If you don't see the name of a university, run.
If you don't see the exact qualification, run.

Money. Crooks are usually more expensive than the real deal.

Want to check out my credentials. They're here. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5 Inspiring Thoughts For A Monday

5 Thoughts For A Monday

Laughter is good for the soul. Surround yourself with people you can giggle with.

You don’t have to forgive yourself for being human. Apologise for your mistakes and move on.

Bad stuff happens to good people.

If your inner voice is constantly criticising, denigrating and badmouthing you, it’s probably not your conscience but more likely depression or low self esteem. Unless you’re a serial killer.

We all have several versions of ourselves: embrace them all with love and try to make the best you the dominant one.

With thanks, image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

I'm excited, because I'm in the newspaper!

I was lucky enough to score a profile in The Star, the Malaysian national daily.

Have a happy day!

"I'm gay and stressed. Will therapy work for me?"

When it comes to stigma, having mental health issues and being LGBTQ are at the top of the list in South East Asia and the Middle East. 

While I'm seeing more and more young people practicing affirmation, many people still live in fear. False beliefs are a problem too. Plus, the majority of people here have never gone to a therapy session and don't know anyone who has. 

Because of this, there can be a lot of misunderstanding and confusion of who can go to therapy and how it works.

So one of the questions I'm asked fairly often is, "I'm gay. Will therapy work for me?"

I thought it would be useful to have a chat today about the philosophy and practice of therapy with some context for the LGBTQ community.

First, being LGBTQ is not a mental health problem. It doesn't need to be fixed. You are perfect as you are!

Second, like everyone on the planet, LGBTQ people suffer from anxiety, depression, stress, relationship issues and mental health problems just like everyone else.

So, what can you expect going into a therapy session with me?

There are more than 50 therapy approaches. You've probably heard of psychoanalysis that was made famous by Sigmund Freud, and person-centered therapy pioneered by Carl Rogers as these tend to be shown most often in films and TV.

While therapy approaches are all different from each other, they have this in common: they define how personality works, what exactly causes mental health issues, and how we should go about fixing these issues. They also suggest how therapists and clients should work together.

Once you tell me what you want to work on, my duty is to explain what therapy approaches will work best.

Although I use lots of different approaches, one of the most popular for dealing with false beliefs and other patterns that come with depression, stress and anxiety (my area) is cognitive behavioural therapy - called CBT for short.

Basically, it works like this.

How CBT practitioners see Human Personality
As we go through life, we experience and react to events. The events themselves don't determine our emotions and behaviour, they're just events. It's our beliefs, how we think about those events, that decide how we feel and react.

Example: suppose you see a wasp in the garden. That's an event. How do you react? If you believe all wasps sting, then you will feel frightened (emotion) and will run away (behaviour).  

Now, suppose you decide you want to stop being afraid and running off. You hire a CBT practitioner and you learn in therapy that wasps hunt pests that kill bees and ruin crops. This will change your beliefs from 'stinger' to 'helpful creature'. Plus, you do some exercises.

Then, next time you see a wasp in the garden, you will say, "Hello nature's helper! Aren't you pretty in your yellow and black jacket?" and you will feel happy and not run away.

I love CBT because this theory is very empowering! CBT practitioners believe that we can learn to manage and even change our beliefs, emotions and behaviour.  

Where do mental health issues come from? The CBT view
Faulty or unhelpful thinking is the root of emotional and behavioural problems. 

How do you go about addressing mental health issues? The CBT view
We deconstruct what's going on, figuring out what your current beliefs and behaviour are.
Then we decide on your goals, how you'd like to think and behave ideally.
Then, we either work on replacing your current beliefs with more positive thinking or we work on learning new behaviour. Sometimes, we'll do both.

How should practitioners and clients work together? The CBT view
It's very much a cooperative venture where the therapist and client work together to figure out exactly what's going on.

Then, it is the therapist's job to tell the client what studies and research apply. The therapist develops a personalised system that will help the client make effective change.

The client is then responsible for practicing and creating change. Yes, clients get homework!

Can we use CBT for everything?
CBT is great for certain things like overcoming recurring difficult thoughts as well as fears and phobias. But it's not good for everything. For example, I would not use it to understand or cope with abuse.

So, is there CBT for LGBTQ clients?
Nope. It's the same approach for working with men or women, different races, sexualities etc etc.  As far as I know, all therapy approaches are universal. We work with people, and as people are all different from each other, therapy approaches are big picture.

Do we talk about sexuality? Well, sometimes. If you think your sexuality is impacting on the issue you want to address in therapy, then we definitely talk about it.  Otherwise, it may come up as we talk about your relationships. 

I understand that this is a scary prospect if you live in a country where you are persecuted. 

Please know I promote the affirmation of LGBTQ rights. Also, whatever you say to me is secret. I don't tell anyone you're talking to me. You can read up on that here.

So, if you need some help, do reach out.

Image by Benedikt Geyer

Stressed But Scared To Reach Out? What Happens In The First Session

Hi, good to see you again. If you want to ask questions or comment, email me.


I work with clients who are looking to manage stress and depression. As I live in Malaysia, I work with clients who live in my time zone: it runs roughly from Hong Kong and Australia to Saudi Arabia and the Emirates, and to the coasts of the USA. To figure out if it's workable, check here.

In our part of the world, there's a stigma about consulting mental health professionals, and so it can be a bit nerve wracking to reach out. Therefore, I thought I'd explain what happens in the first two sessions. You know, to take the fear out of the equation.

This first time we talk, we chat for about 20 mins. It's a free consultation so we can check that we can work together. Because we're talking over a video link, we start off by checking that the connection is stable. Then you tell me what kind of support you're looking for.  If I can help, and if we get along, we make an appointment for the first session.

The first session is where we explore the issues.  Depression and stress come in various forms, and they hit people differently. Also, there are several good therapy approaches.  So in this session we figure out what's going on and how we're going to work.

First, we talk about your overall background, like what you do, how old you are, and so on.

Then we look at what stressful events you've gone though in the last year. Like, have you moved house, changed jobs, had a health scare, had a baby, changed your lifestyle etcetera.

Then we look at your mental health, paying particular attention to common symptoms of depression. Like, how is your concentration, what's your appetite like, how are you sleeping, do you feel unusual sadness, have unreasonable flashes of anger.

Finally, we look at your support system. That involves a chat about how you get along with your friends, family, and colleagues.

At this point, we should have a reasonable idea of what's going on. I put together an overview, and we have a chat about goals and the approaches we might use to reach them.

At this point you'll be tired, so we set a bit of homework, simple things to get you started, and then we call it a day.

The first session covers a lot of ground, and takes about 90 minutes. But after that, sessions take about an hour.

So, I hope you find this useful. If you are looking for help, send me an email and we'll set up an appointment.