5 Weird Body Clues That Show You Are Stressed

Telltale signs that you are stressed can be surprising as well. Find yourself identifying with one or more of these clues? Assess what’s going on in your life.

Normally we associate stress with bad stuff happening, like losing a job or having too many deadlines. But stress is simply a reaction. You can be stressed by being promoted, getting a raise, and even by going on holiday.

#1 Flatulence. When you’re stressed, your body goes into flight or fight mode. This includes making changes to your digestive system. 

When you’re stressed continuously, this can cause an upset tummy, diarrhea, constipation and gas.

#2 Weird dreams. There are a lot of theories about why we dream, and if they have an impact on our health, but studies suggest we all dream at various points in the night, whether we remember them or not. 

While nothing can be done about dreams, some people find they dream more – and more vividly – when they’re stressed. 

So strange wild dreams can be a useful clue that you’re taking on too much in your life.

#3 Skin rashes, spots and pimples. When sweat glands are blocked, trapped moisture leads to inflammation such as spots and rashes. 

Sweating is normal in hot tropical countries like Singapore and Malaysia, but when you’re stressed, you tend to perspire even more. 

At the same time, being over-stressed can affect your immune system, which can also inflame skin issues like acne. 

If you have skin conditions like allergies, eczema or psoriasis, these are also more likely to flare up if you’re stressed.

#4 Muscle cramps. When you’re stressed, you may tense your muscles. After prolonged tension, this can lead to all kinds of cramps. 

Although you might have tummy cramps one day and foot cramp the next, a lot of people find that they are affected in a particular way. I get back pain and tension headaches when I’m stressed.

#5 Menstrual problems. Stress can make your periods arrive early, late or disappear altogether. Most annoyingly, it can increase period pain. In the long-term, stress can affect fertility for both men and women. 

If you’re worried about this, keep a diary that includes stress level notes for auditing and talk to your gynae.

Note: I have two jobs, author and counsellor. This article first appeared on Malaysia Women's Weekly on 22 December 2016.  Go over and check out the free articles, and buy the magazine copy for even more goodies! Update: 23 November 2022, MWW web site is no longer up, sorry!

The Psychology of Sudden, Severe Back Pain

I wrenched my back rescuing a tiny kitten from a storm drain some years ago, and every now and again it goes out of whack. No biggie.

I tend to avoid medical information online because I'm not a doctor and so I can't critically evaluate information. I just do what my family doctor advises and hope for the best.

Two weeks ago when my back went I followed the usual routine: muscle relaxants, anti-inflammatories and I lay flat for a day or two. Then I went out and about, but slowly. I also took my back for a swim, because it's a good easy way to stretch.

This time I hurt my back on Monday but by Wednesday I was okay again, swimming for thirty minutes, no problem. So on Friday I went out. I walked a mile or two, and ended up in a mall, looking for cat treats. 

While there, a wildly running child ran into my back, full tilt.

Right.

Luckily I was too hurt to swear at the brat. I simply limped off, took a breather on a bench, and then went on to meet up with my friends as usual.

Three hours later I was home and lying flat again. The next morning I couldn't move. Any movement provoked screaming pain. And I mean, screaming. 

 

About Pain And Mind

Pain is subjective, and so are reactions, but this is my experience:

Insight #1: Extreme pain is frightening. I didn't want to be touched, and it freaked me out if anything or anyone came near me.

Insight #2: The fear messes with your mind. When pain is extreme, there's just one message you can focus on: avoid it. Everything else becomes completely unimportant.

Insight #3: Real pain causes tears - lots of them. I was okay if I kept flat and totally still, but moving was agony. Sitting made me weep. Lying down after sitting made me cry too.

Insight #4: Pain is humiliating because it makes you helpless. I was completely aware of what pain was doing to me, but even so it made me feel dreadful that I was in floods, that I couldn't move, and that I was totally useless. Embarrassing.

Insight #5: Despite the pain, certain essentials are inevitable. When pain comes and goes, it takes a certain frame of mind to move through it. With my back, I found I could lie still and be okay.  It was just moving that hurt. Ideally I was going to lie totally still until my back stopped screaming at me. However, one must pee. 

I lay in bed, thinking that I should simply stop drinking water just to avoid the agony of making myself sit up and shuffle to the bathroom. Although it's ten feet away from the bed, it was taking me a full 20 minutes to get up and shuffle there. And I'm talking one way.

What helped me!

Helpful #1: Knowing what the issues were. Yes it was scary, humiliating and horrible all round, but understanding the connection between the physical and the mental helped me manage both.

Helpful #2: Putting the pain aside from me. This is a little harder to explain but what I find useful is to think of my painful back as not being part of the essential me. 

 I am the person, the pain is just a nasty thing that's messing up the body that carries me. It's a way of distancing myself from the pain.  

I talk about it that way too, by saying, "I take my back for a swim" and "I'm going to see how my back will take to doing this".

Helpful #3: A walking stick.  I found that a stick gave me certainty. Having a solid foundation to lean on made it easier to push through the pain when getting up and sitting down. I could also use the handle to pick stuff up.

Helpful #4: Shaping my environment. I rearranged my bedside table so that I had my ipad and connections all next to me. I moved all the loo paper so I didn't have to twist or reach. And once I got out of my bed, I moved everything in the kitchen and fridge to the top shelves so I didn't have to bend. 

Helpful #5: Telling my husband what I needed. The people who love you want to help, but they're not clairvoyant. This is common sense but it's amazing what we don't do "because we don't want to be a bother".

I realised that what I really, really missed was my early morning coffee. But the machine is downstairs, which was about an hour's travel. So I asked Tom if he could bring me coffee in bed. What a difference!

Helpful #6: Socialising!  I couldn't go anywhere and I certainly didn't want people coming round, but thanks to the Net I was able to Skype and chat with friends. Very cheering! 

Helpful #7: Serious drugs. If I'd been home in Spain, I would have gone straight to the doctor. It's not my first option now because I have had some very mixed results in Malaysia.

To be clear, I've met lots of excellent ones.  However, there was the man who poked me with his pen because his religion forbade him to touch women who weren't related to him, and the woman who sold me "special" medicine that I later found in the chemist and supermarket - at ten times less than she charged me. 

We've also had media reports of bogus medical practitioners (like this one, and this one) and problems about faked results. As such, I only see doctors who have been recommended personally by friends. I was too scared to go to hospital and trust in an unknown doctor.

I went to see my GP who is a rock of common sense. She told me this was sciatica. She gave me advice on when to go to emergency (e.g., if my leg went numb). She also told me which hospital to go to.

I wanted to give it 24 hours so she gave me a shot of something. I'm sorry, but I can't remember the name, I think it was Olfen but it may have been a painkiller.

She also gave me Neurorubine Forte, a combo of vitamins B1, B6, and B12 that give your nervous system a kick and OLFEN 100, an anti-rheumatic, anti-inflammatory and analgesic.

After seeing my GP I was back in bed, exhausted with the pain and possibly the drugs too. I slept 14 hours and when I woke up, I felt a million times better. 

I made a point of shuffling about the house every hour on the hour. The day after that I woke up feeling another million times better. Actually, I felt fine.

WEIRD And that's the other thing about this kind of back pain: it's full on for days and then it disappears as quickly as it turned up. 

I'm told that nerves get pinched causing super pain and then unpinch just as suddenly. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not, but it does describe exactly how I felt. 

On the third day I felt bruised and a bit shaky, also nervous in case it came back, but I was okay.  Really.

Now I'm back to work, but being very careful. I lie down as often as I sit and I'm making a point this week of going for a swim every day.

Bottom Line

If you have sudden severe pain, expect to be frightened. Understand it may confuse you, so do have someone you trust to help you when you seek medical advice. 

Your trusted person needs to make sure all the questions are asked, and to keep track of what you need to do to get better.

Seeing pain comes with a lot of emotional upheaval, you may want to talk to someone like me. This is especially true if your pain is long term because pain and depression can go hand in hand.  So if you're suffering, for goodness sake reach out! 

Courtesy Marcelabr Pixabay

Suffering From Weltschmerz? A Tip To Cheer You Up!

Hell in a wheelbarrow, courtesy Thomas Staub pixabay

Do you feel that the world is a mean place, filled with wicked people, lazy youths and altogether heading for hell in a hand basket?  

If so, read on for some discussion of what might be going on, and tips for managing the issue.

Weltschmerz meaning world-pain in German was coined by Johann Paul Friedrich Richter, a German author who wrote fun, upbeat romances in the late 18th century.  

Known by his pen name, Jean Paul, he suggested that our wishes about a perfect world can never actually come true, hence our pain when reality falls short of our expectations.

Jean Paul by Heinrich Pfenninger

Weltschmerz is also used in the context of the kind of anxious depression we feel when we contemplate the ills of the world. 

At present, this type of reaction is the subject of some research and so far the leading impression is that connectivity is at least partly to blame.

So how does that work?

Many opinion makers point out that depression has risen at the same time as the internet has become generally available. They say we are swamped with information, a lot of it is pretty negative, and that this is one of the things that makes us more prone to depression. 

However, is this really new?

Many people point at the media as highlighting bad stuff that's happening. However, in the 1700s, newspapers were popular, especially the yellow press that relied on scandal mongering.Nasty news back then was just as hot as it is now.

I think this points to our human nature. Positive news attracts very few readers; horrific news is extremely popular. As news agencies are companies that rely on sales, they focus on death, war, torture, rape, cruelty and so on. (Although some add in the odd cute kitten to mitigate all the negative stuff.)

While the type of news we see has stayed constant over time, it's true that we have the capability to see more bad news today than ever before. I watch "on the hour" headlines from several live news feeds and read the top stories of twenty or so newspapers and magazines every day. 

That's a lot of bad news.

However, many people don't watch the news, don't read newspapers and get their information from social networks instead. They are not in touch with world events at all, and sometimes not even local ones.

It may be that the other things about being connected, the pressure to keep up with the Jones's, bullying, and so on, are factors, however, these pressures aren't new either and I'm not convinced they're very much different now than they were pre-internet.

I think there are two more important phenomena at work. 

Gumibears, courtesy Ronile, Pixabay

First, we are increasingly lonely.  Our homes are smaller, so we live alone or in small family units rather than with three or even four generations. 

Few of us can afford to live near our work, so we tend to live further away from our friends and relatives than ever before. 

We also work more hours than we used to, have fewer days off, and commuting means even less time with loved ones.   

This type of isolation leads to increased stress and depression.

Second, we underestimate our own changing sophistication. 

When we're young, we tend to be naive and more optimistic because bad situations are new to us. Of course, the more experience we have, the more we become aware that happy endings aren't always the rule.  

This means that when we are mature, we understand that victims won't always leave their abusive partners, that rape victims are blamed because others choose to attack them, ... and on and on it goes.

However, we confuse our own increased wisdom with moral decline in the world.  We think, "This didn't happen twenty years ago," instead of, "Twenty years ago I would have thought differently about this."

Put it all together and you have a pretty powerful negative punch, with or without connectivity.

If you suffer from Weltschmertz, simply understanding what you're feeling, what your personal triggers are, and how you can uplift your spirits with simple exercises like uncovering your own inner needs as well as pleasure scheduling will help. 

However, there is another very simple realisation that helps me when I'm having dark thoughts:


In the Book of Isaiah, written around 700BC, the author wrote, "How the faithful city has become a whore! Everyone loves a bribe and runs after gifts. They do not defend the orphan, and the widow’s cause does not come before them."

Horace reads before Maecenas, by Fyodor Bronnikov

Horace, a Roman poet working around 20BC, wrote in Book III of Odes, "Viler than grandsires, sires beget Ourselves, yet baser, soon to curse The world with offspring baser yet."

Look throughout history and you'll find similar examples of older people moaning that the world used to be terrific and is now horrible.

I take that as a very good sign. If people have been moaning about how wicked everyone is for thousands of years, we're probably looking at thousands more years of the same thing.

So when I'm inclined to think, "The world is becoming awful" I say to myself "It's my increased wisdom saying that, and I'm just having a Horace moment."  It works for me.  Hope it works for you!

How To Survive Christmas

It's confession time: Christmas has lousy associations for me and New Year is even worse.  I do survive them but the ways I use are a mix of conventional and unusual. So I thought I'd share.

Thanks WeKnowMemes

First, for those of you who know me, you might wonder how come it's even an issue, seeing I live in South East Asia.

Well, although Malaysia has oodles of non-Christians, and we have at least four New Year type holidays that I can think of, there's no getting away from the fact that the holidays are big here - especially in shopping centers, pubs and on TV. 

Also, people like to party! Our local supermarket was playing Jingle Bells last month, and the hairdresser was at it before Thanksgiving. 

I find it all a bit much sometimes, but it needn't be all depressing all the time. Here's what I find works for me.

1. Accept That You're Allowed To Hate The Holidays - And Maybe Make A Game Of It

The world is happy and you're not. That's okay. It's nothing to feel guilty about. Unless you live in a place where fun is dictated by law, you can feel however you like.

However, it helps to separate what you feel from how you want others to feel. I enjoy watching people be happy and I recognise I don't need to feel the same. I find this cheers me up.

Also, when you're down, any problems that crop up seem much more major than they really are. This is a classic issue that comes with depression. If you can recognise that, it makes being down about the holidays easier to live with.

I have a fairly dark sense of humour at times, so I not only recognise when my world is distorted, I make a game out of it.

Like yesterday I had several computer problems that meant I couldn't get my work done. The courier didn't turn up, an interview was cancelled... it just went on and on.  

Usually that stuff doesn't bother me but with the holidays coming up, I was just doom and gloom. Then, when my smallest cat threw up all over the laundry I'd just done, I began tallying up Bad Things That Happened Today and was able to laugh about it.

2. Feel Free Not To Join In

If you don't like the holidays, you don't have to pretend to celebrate them. When you get party invites say you're busy or you have a prior date if you want to be polite.

I find that with friends it's easier to be open and say, "This time has bad associations for me so I don't celebrate." The advantage of this is that you don't have to repeat yourself every year.

There are also people who refuse to accept a no to their invitations.  "I hear you don't celebrate but you simply must come to my house. I insist!" 

Remember, it's okay to say no but it's controlling not to accept no. Feel free to give them a cold stare and to icily refuse.

3. Don't Celebrate The Holidays; Celebrate Having A Day Off

As we have days off work, this is the perfect time to do stuff you normally wouldn't do. Spend the days baking, taking fencing lessons, trekking in the wilderness. Basically, do something you love and treat yourself kindly.

Also, if you're in a place like Malaysia, there are plenty of shops that are open and not celebrating. This may be the perfect time to go and eat a Chinese dum sum buffet or to find a place that does the world's best Bak Kut Teh.

4. Arrange for Marathon Film Fests, Junk Food And Sleep

The holidays consist of a limited number of days. You can totally avoid the period by switching off your phone and social media, stocking up on films and going totally bear-like.

I like to watch all the Jaws films (yes, even that 3rd one!) and then all the Predators, and then Terminator 1 and II (III was a disaster and IV was just arrrrggghhh!). 

Add in all the original Robocop films and you have two or three days of film heaven. Roll into bed and have Technicolor dreams about sharks eating you up, afterwards.

Note: junk food is salty so stock up on loads of water, and make ice cubes if you like it frosty.

5. When You Really Are A Mess

If this is a time when someone close to you died, or you can't see your kids, or some other serious issue, then you need to be practical and make yourself a rescue plan.

If there's a friend who's willing to be on stand-by, arrange for that support. You know yourself so anticipate what you may need and when. Then ask if your friend is willing or able to back you up. If necessary, work it like a team.

If you don't want to talk to a friend, then jot down the numbers of the many charity hotlines that remain open at this time of year. Don't be ashamed to call them up; it's what they do that's fantastic.

Think you're really not safe?  Then go talk to your doctor and ask to see a psychiatrist. Seriously, don't suffer. It's not useful to be miserable and it's preventable. Get the help you deserve.

This is very much unlike my usual posts so do tell me what you think. 

Also, Merry Christmas! Remember, it's only a few days and then it will be over.

"Dear Ellen, life's perfect so why am I in tears at the least little thing?"

Stress feels awful

Dear Ellen,

I've got a new job that I love, a new apartment that's just beautiful and I've finally met someone I think is The One. So why am I in tears at the least little thing? I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff, about to fall off. I should be happy. 

Am I insane?

#PossiblyCrazy

Dear So Not Crazy,

Moving house is considered one of the most stressful life events. There's all the hassle of packing and moving, which is physically demanding, plus there's the symbolic burden of ending one life and starting another.

On top of that, you have a new job.  Again, while this is wildly exciting, it means new routines, new and possibly unknown expectations, working with new people, and possibly some extra hours while you're trying to orient yourself.

Plus, in your private life you have found love.  Possibly The Love. While that's wonderful, it's also scary. There's all the pressure of wondering if it's really the partner you want to spend the rest of your life with, and all the other changes that will inspire, balanced against the fear of whether you're going to be disappointed again.

Stress is not about bad things happening to you, it's simply a reaction to change.  

That means that positive change is stressful. And my dear you're piling up change as if it's going out of fashion!  It's not at all surprising that you're uptight.

From what you say, the tears and that cliff feeling are probably just an effect of your life changes.  However, to be safe, do pop into your family doctor and ask for a quick checkup.

When you're declared perfectly healthy, pay attention to your stress. Make sure you eat properly, get your full 7 to 8 hours sleep, and keep your body moving so that it stays exercised. 

In addition, note your stress, know where it comes from, and spend some time relaxing.  A massage, a trip to the hairdresser, or a nice long movie marathon curled up with that lovely new partner - whatever makes you happily tranquil.

This letter is part of the November 2016 free agony aunt column service. As it's the last day of the month, it's the last issue.    

Ready to be your best self and live your best life? Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation. 

 

CBT for Depression: Benefits, Limitations, and How to Know if It’s Right for You

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is one of the most researched treatments for depression. For some people, it’s highly effective. For others, it’s not the right fit. 

As a psychotherapist working with clients in 20+ countries, I help people figure out whether CBT alone, or a blended approach, is best for them.

How CBT Works

How Beliefs Behaviour and Emotions are Linked

CBT is based on the idea that your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours are linked. Change one, and you can influence the others. In therapy, we identify and change unhelpful thought patterns.

CBT and Depression: When It Works Well

Depression can sometimes be fuelled by "faulty thinking." These are patterns of self-talk that don't match reality. They drag down your mood and can lead to depression.

For example, Sally gets an amazing annual review and a huge bonus. However, she tells herself her boss secretly hates her, and worries she is destined to fail.

In CBT, Sally would learn to challenge these thoughts. In sessions we might ask: "What evidence do you have that your boss doesn't like you?" and "How has your boss treated other people she then fired?" Through this process, Sally learns to recognize unhelpful patterns of thought, and replace them with balanced thoughts based on actual evidence.

CBT is most effective when your depression is driven by negative thought patterns that don't match reality.

When CBT Doesn't Help

Depression isn't one single illness with one single cause.

It shows up differently for different people. Some feel deeply sad, others feel emotionally flat. Some sleep too much, others can't sleep at all. For some, it appears suddenly and fades quickly; for others, it creeps in and lingers.

And the causes can vary just as much. I think of depression as spots—you need to figure out what's causing the spots before you know how to treat them. A rash from chickenpox needs different treatment than a rash from asoap allergy.

Depression might be linked to a thyroid problem, side effects from medication, an emotional shock, grief, trauma, genetics, or a mix of factors.

Here's when CBT won't help or won't be enough:

If your depression has a physical cause. If you have a thyroid condition or your depression is a side effect of medication, CBT won't help—you need medical treatment first. No amount of talk therapy will fix a thyroid problem.

If your depression stems from your life circumstances. If you're depressed because you're in an abusive relationship, hate your job, or are dealing with poverty, changing your thoughts won't change your reality. You may need practical support, life changes, or a different therapeutic approach alongside CBT.

If you're in a severe depressive episode. CBT involves homework, worksheets, and active participation. If you're so depressed you can barely get out of bed, CBT's practical approach may be too much too soon. You might need medication to lift you enough to engage with therapy, or a different therapeutic approach that requires less active work initially.

If your depression involves unprocessed trauma or grief. While CBT can help with some aspects, trauma and complicated grief often require approaches that address emotional processing more directly. Trying to "think differently" about trauma before processing it properly rarely works.

If you have treatment-resistant depression. Some people's depression doesn't respond to CBT or any single approach. In these cases, a combination of treatments—therapy, medication, lifestyle changes—is usually necessary.

How to Choose the Right Approach

Instead of starting with "I want CBT" or "I won't take medication," start with a proper assessment.

First step: see your doctor to rule out physical issues. If you have a wonky thyroid, no amount of talk therapy will change that. Click here to read more about why this matters.

Second step: talk to a qualified therapist. This is exactly what I do with clients. We work out how your depression operates: what is going on in your life, if there are triggers, if family history may be at work, and so on. Then we create a customized approach that will help you manage.

In my experience, CBT alone can work well for depression driven by unhelpful thought patterns. However, many people benefit from a blend of approaches. I often combine CBT with positive psychology techniques which focus on building strengths and wellbeing alongside addressing problems to create a more comprehensive treatment plan.

The key is matching the treatment to your specific situation, not forcing you into a one-size-fits-all approach.

If you want help figuring out what approach will work best for your depression, send me an email. That's exactly what we'll do together in our initial consultation.

What About Medication?

Medication can be a useful tool alongside therapy, especially if you're struggling to function or if your depression has a strong biological component.

The choice between medication, therapy, or both depends on your specific situation. Read more at: "I'm depressed. Should I pop a pill, go for therapy, or both?"

The Bottom Line

CBT is a powerful tool when your depression is driven by unhelpful thought patterns. But it's not a magic bullet for every type of depression.

Knowing whether CBT is right for your situation requires proper assessment—understanding what's causing your depression, how severe it is, and what you need to manage it effectively.

If you're trying to figure out whether CBT or another approach is right for you, that's exactly the work we do together. Send me an email to get started.

"Dear Ellen, I'm sick and tired of my boss yelling at me..."

Angry boss

Dear Ellen,

I've got a problem with my boss. He comes in at 1030am, has a long lunch, comes back at 4pm and at 5 he's telling me what he wants me to do. And he wants everything done the same day. Last week I worked until 9 twice! I got home after 10 when my kids were in bed. I'm staff so I don't get overttime. I get in at 8am. Also, he's yelling at me. If he can't find something, it's my fault. If a client is upset, it's my fault. Everything is my fault! I'm sick and tired of him and I want to quit. But jobs aren't easy to get. Also, I have a degree but not more. What should I do?

Question: Who do you work for and what's your job title? What are your office hours? How long have you been working there? Do you have a list of KPIs? How are you doing on those? What did your last performance review say? Is this boss new or have you worked together a while?

Answers:
(Redacted) Medium sized local company, accounts management
9-5 Mon-Fri
8 years working there
Yes, I have KPIs. Last year got a bonus. This year on track.
Same boss 4 years.

PS has the job changed in the last year?
No

PPS Is your company laying people off?
No

Dear Sick and Tired,

Okay, my first thought was that your boss might have been yelling because he's hoping you'll leave and he won't have to pay compensation. Clearly that's not the case.

Sometimes bosses yell because their staff are lazy or don't do their jobs. It's a lousy way to manage people but not all managers are professional. 

Just in case, let's look at you.

As you have been there for a significant time, you've been doing a good job for some years now. If you hadn't, the company would have replaced you. 

Also, you got a bonus last year, so you were definitely doing something right back then!  The job hasn't changed, so it seems logical that you're still hitting the spot.

At present,
1. You are in on time and he is not.
2. He's too disorganised to give you a proper period of time to get things done.
3. This means you have to work unreasonably long hours, and
4. He behaves unprofessionally, shouting at you

First things first. You don't need to put up with a disorganised man who yells. I'm going to make a few suggestions, just to list your broad options.

Your company is medium sized, so you might look to transfer internally. Speak to human resources about this, or scout positions among your peers. 

You can also try to fix this situation. Standard advice is to log everything and then approach human resources to talk to your manager and resolve this. The idea here is that they are a neutral third party who can settle this according to company protocol.

It may work. It may also backfire if your boss is the kind who thinks that talking to HR is sneaking or tattling. You know your company culture, so you can tell if this is a good approach.

If you go that route and it doesn't work, you have two options: explore a hostile work environment claim, and/or leave.

You can simply quit. Yes, the job market is lousy but all you need is one job, right? So you can write up your CV and start talking to headhunters. Believe me, companies are always out looking for someone who has experience!

What I've said so far is all standard safe advice. I would add this: you seem to have liked your boss in the past.  So, if you want to give this man one more chance, you can take the straightforward route and talk to him.

Note: this only works if he's a reasonable human being. If he's not, then it's probably not worth it.  You know him, so you decide.

If you do talk to him in an open manner, you need to do some prep.

First, put yourself into your boss' space.  As the economy sucks, my bet is that the company is having cash flow trouble. I'm guessing your boss's boss is hammering at him. So your boss then turns around and yells at you. It's unprofessional but very common.

I also bet that your boss doesn't even realise that he's pushing you too far. You've been taking it without protest, and now his bad manners have become a habit. 

To fix this you have to let him know he has to change his ways, but you should be circumspect and remind him that you're part of his team, and that he can lean on you - without the shouting!

For your prep, write down your work tasks for the last month, and tick off what you've done. If you've done extra work, make a note of that.

On a separate piece of paper, write down the last three times he yelled at you.  Don't be too long about it, just note the day, time and a single sentence about the occasion.

Now you need to go and talk to him. Pick a time when he's calm, and when you can reasonably go straight home or out afterwards. So just before lunch or just before the end of the day.

Take the note of the work you've done, but leave the note about the shouting on your desk.

I'm a straightforward person so I'd get straight to the point with something like this:

"Boss, I've been working for you for four years now. It's been interesting and fulfilling but recently I've been feeling unhappy. I looked at my KPIs and my work sheet, and I think I'm doing my job but I feel I can't do anything right anymore."

If it opens a dialogue, as it should, show him your work sheet.  Ask, "Is there anything else I can do?  I know jobs aren't static so if there's something different I should be doing, please tell me." Then negotiate what he wants you to do.

He should know that he's been a prat for asking you to work late, but you should remind him that you start at 8AM and a 12 hour working day is unreasonable. 

State the problem. "Boss, I work for you Monday to Friday from X till Y.  I do have a private life and a family.  I had to work X extra hours on Wednesday and Thursday last week, which meant I didn't see my kids."

State the solution. "I finish work at 6PM so it would be helpful if you give me my tasks at 5PM the day before.  That way I can think and plan, and be more efficient. Also, it means I can see my kids."

You also need to address the yelling, "You know how on Monday when X and then you Y?" Keep it brief and impersonal. If he says it was a one off, add, "Well, boss, there was also..."

Practice saying, "If I make a mistake, then tell me. But please don't shout at me. It makes me uncomfortable."  If he tries to blow it off, just insist, "It makes me uncomfortable."  He should then get the message.

Clearly the three issues can come up in any order. You should rehearse it to yourself thoroughly first. Imagine what he might say, and what you might say.

Stay calm and professional!

Also, about the degree. Speak to HR on ways you can upgrade your CV. It may simply be a matter of taking on certain tasks, or taking up various bits of in-house training. 

You might go back to school but frankly it's a lot of extra time and money, which you may not see back, so think very carefully before you go that route.

Good luck and tell me how it goes!

This letter was part of the free agony aunt service from November 2016. 

Ready to be your best self and live your best life? Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.