Safe Dating: What to Know About Men Who Drug and Rape on Dates

Here’s a curious thing: it’s likely that your first IRL date is probably safe; it is your second date that’s potentially dangerous.

In the old days (pre-1990s!) dating was mostly conducted through friends or friends-of-friends. You might not know the person, but someone close to you would know their parents, whether they were single, where they worked, and so on.

Today we tend to work further from home and dating apps have us meet strangers.

Stranger-danger is a thing but when we are robbed, assaulted, or raped, it is more likely to be a relative or friend rather than a masked villain jumping out of a dark alley.

Many people who date online are normal, decent people. Flawed in human ways but inherently safe.  

A small percentage are extremely dangerous. If you’re online looking for love, this is one nasty way some predators work. Because forewarned is forearmed.

How Drug-Then-Rape Dates Work 

Predators hide their real selves

They’re warm and constantly sending photos of themselves and asking you about your day and your heart.  

When you meet, they’re sweet and you have a nice coffee or drink. Most likely, you’re happy when the date ends.

You text, you meet the second time – and then the coffee is spiked or maybe it was in your cocktail.

When you waken up, you don’t remember exactly what happened. Maybe you’re in a hotel. Maybe you’re at his place. Very often, he’s still around and he’s acting normally.

Many targets are completely confused at this point. They can’t believe they’re with a predator, so they try and ‘make sense’ of matters. They wonder if they were drunk. They wonder if they asked for sex.

They can’t believe the truth: that this is a regular occurrence because that ‘nice guy’ drugs his targets and then assaults them.

Note: most reports come from women attacked by men but men are also attacked – for sex and sometimes just for money.

If you report it, the rapist points at the texts you’ve exchanged. You’re good friends, you had a great time on that other date – and then he claims he’s the victim of a hysterical woman who was perfectly happy with a one night stand at the time but blah blah blah….  

How To Protect Yourself

First, awareness counts. Don’t accept drinks or food unless it comes straight from the bar or kitchen to you.  Don’t take your eyes off it.  If you’re uncertain, leave it.

Second, when you date strangers, always have someone collect you or check on you after the date. And tell your date up front at the start of the date that your brother/cousin/mum/father is collecting you or meeting you. Do this for the first six dates.

Finally, if anything feels off, leave.

Remember: tigers have stripes for a reason; it helps them blend in. Predators are tigers too, and they are very good at looking perfectly harmless. So be careful and don’t believe what people say about themselves; watch their behaviour to know who they are. 

Looking for trauma informed mental health support? Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.

Image courtesy of HANSUAN FABREGAS from Pixabay

Looking For Therapy But Want Complete Privacy? Here’s What You Need To Know

You're under pressure. You need support. However, you're smart enough to seek therapy while protecting your career, your image, and your personal life from becoming office chatter. 

I'm a qualified psychotherapist with a master’s in counselling and a decade running an international practice across 20+ countries. Here's what I've learned about therapy privacy that most practitioners won't discuss.

Why Therapy Notes Could Destroy Your Life

Notes are useful for tracking progress. In big systems, they help if you change therapists.
But they can also wreck your life.

If you're LGBTQ in a hostile country, or in a high-stakes career, leaked notes can out you. If you're a founder prepping an IPO, they can put your deal at risk. If you're a politician or public figure, they can destroy your career.

Most therapists won't show you these notes, even when you ask. This practice is standard across the industry, though hardly reassuring for clients.

My approach: you choose. I can take no notes, take them and share with you, or take them and not share them with you. You’re the client. You decide.

👉 Read the full breakdown on therapy notes 

When 'Getting Help' Becomes Dangerous

Sometimes we feel terrible. Depression is common. But in therapy, discussions around feeling suicidal are tricky. 

In certain places, a therapist is obligated to notify the authorities if you disclose suicidal thoughts. Even if suiciding is a crime in your country. Even if you have terminal cancer.

Furthermore, the rules about self-harm are unclear. Just mentioning it leads to an automatic report in some places.

Read the small print. Your therapist agreement should spell out exactly when your privacy ends—and what happens next.

My Approach: I lived for 30+ years in places where they'd punish you for suicide or being LGBTQ, so I know the risks of getting the authorities' attention. My priority is your safety, which is why I offer personalized plans tailored to your needs. 

Before we start sessions, we discuss your mental health history. If you are at risk, we discuss what’s safe in your country. 

Usually, we see mental health crisis coming and we plan for them. But if one hits unexpectedly, and you tell me you're ending your life and refuse help, I’ll call your emergency contact. This is someone you select and approve before we begin sessions.

👉 See my therapy agreement

BetterHelp Sold and Health Assured Shared Your Secrets

Think your therapy app is safe? Think again.

BetterHelp was fined $7.8 million by the FTC for selling client data to Facebook, Snapchat, Pinterest and Criteo. You told them your deepest secrets. They turned your mental health struggles into profit..

They're not alone. Many “mental health tech” platforms harvest your data and send it to advertisers. This practice is deceptive and harmful.

In the UK, Health Assured, the country’s largest employee assistance programme, let employers and other people eavesdrop on sessions. Managers could listen in real-time to employee therapy sessions without the client's knowledge or consent. Clients were never told. As the BBC reported, this is standard practice in workplace mental health.

My approach: I won’t confirm you’re a client—even if your ex or boss asks. I don’t talk about clients. Ever. Period.
👉 Read: Can You and Your Friend See the Same Therapist?

Accreditation: A Nice Word for “I Share Your Case Notes”

The BACP is the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, the UK's largest therapy accreditation body, and it wants you to think “accredited” means better. It actually means your therapist has to share your notes.

Notes are often emailed. Anonymised? Sometimes. But if you live in a small town, work in a niche field, or have a public-facing job, you're still exposed.

It gets worse. To keep their shiny title, accredited therapists must pay other therapists to read your notes and give feedback. It’s a pyramid scheme dressed up as professionalism.
So clients pay for therapy... then pay again with their privacy.

Oh, the BACP endorses Health Assured. 

My approach: I left the BACP. I protect your confidentiality, I don’t hand over your records to climb someone else’s ladder.
👉 Why I Quit the BACP

Want to Keep Safe? Ask These Questions:

Before your first session, get clear answers to:
•    Who sees my notes?
•    Where are they stored?
•    What happens to my information if I'm involved in legal proceedings?
•    Have you discussed another client with anyone in the last year?

If they won’t answer clearly, or the contract’s full of jargon—walk away.

How I Work Differently"
•    You choose your level of note-taking and sharing
•    Your emergency contact is someone you select in advance
•    I don't confirm client relationships to anyone, ever
•    No sharing of case details ever for supervision or accreditation
•    Plain English agreements with no hidden clauses

👉 Read My Therapy Agreement
 

Your secrets should stay secret.
If you’re paying for therapy, you deserve better than marketing schemes, email leaks, and industry excuses.
I offer confidential, affordable therapy—and I work for you, not for a boardroom or badge. 

Ready for therapy that puts your privacy first? Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.


Note: with thanks to Chris Sansbury from Pixabay for the image.

Frustrated With Therapists Who Only Reflect Your Feelings? Try Solution-Focused Brief Therapy

Client: She sabotaged me at work, and I know she did it deliberately.
Therapist: How do you feel about that?
Client: I wanted to kill her!  Clearly, I can’t. But still!
Therapist: I’m here for you.
Client: I don’t know what to do about this.
Therapist: How do you feel about that?
Client: ….!

Emotions matter because they give us insight into what may be going on in our lives or our heads. Anger, for example, is a reaction to injustice. So knowing what you’re feeling is useful.

Having a therapist who helps you figure out emotions is useful and being affirmed is not just lovely but gives you the courage to make positive change.

However, if you’re trying to work out new and better ways to manage regular issues, it can be very frustrating to work with a therapist who sticks purely to feelings and affirmation.

The Key to Success: Recognising Approaches

If you want to help someone manage their mental health, you need a proper approach. That means a theory of what constitutes good mental health, what leads to issues, and how you can help the client achieve better mental health.  

There are over 50 different approaches!

The one above is based on client-centered therapy, a system developed by Carl Rogers in the 1950s.

Inkie, because all blog posts are improved by a cat

Rogers believed that therapy clients were looking for personal growth, so he focused on creating a supportive and nonjudgmental environment by reflecting the client's feelings, showing empathy, and fostering unconditional positive regard.

It’s great stuff but it is not really suitable if you’re looking for advice or solutions.
One of the pitfalls of giving advice is that what works for me may not work for you. Luckily for us, though, there is a therapy approach that focuses on creating solutions safely.

Unsurprisingly, it’s called Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT).  This approach was created in the 1980s, a time when efficiency was highly prized, by Steve de Shazer and Insoo Kim Berg.

Solution-focused therapy assumes you have good mental health, are skilled and are just looking for solutions for everyday issues.

Basically, we look at the problem, identify your strengths and resources and work out ways in which you can effect positive change.

Sometimes we use the miracle question, where you imagine how your life will be if the problem is resolved overnight by magic.

With complex issues, the miracle question helps focus on what the goal may look like, how we will know if we’re hitting the right spot, and it also fosters a positive mindset. <- important for motivation and courage!

For complex problems, we break the problem down into steps, each one of which helps you build up progress and motivation.

As I also have 35+ years business experience and am an avid reader, I can also throw in suggestions from personal experience, scientific research, famous case studies, and media articles. It’s all grist to the mill.

While Rogers is the theory pushed by many schools, Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) approach is quietly popular as it’s very practical and empowering. Frankly, it’s one of my favourites.

If you want some help making changes, and you value your privacy, message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.

The Hidden Crisis: The Secret Struggles of Male Sexual Assault Survivors

Damaging myths about masculinity create a profound culture of abuse and silence.

Men Can Be Victims Too

• Boys think about sex all the time.
• Boys are always ready for sex.
• Men don’t care who you are, all they care about is sex.
• Men are hunters; they need to mate.

We see and hear this so often, that it sometimes doesn’t sink in that these stereotypes actively deny men and boys their humanity.

The painful result? This lack of recognition creates a world where many men and boys are unable to acknowledge, or even conceptualize, that they can be sexually assaulted or raped.

Men Can Be Victims Too

Consider a common scenario:

Example: Ricky’s celebrating his birthday. He’s had a few too many gins. When his toxic ex Ginny buys him another one, he just drinks it. Next day he wakens up in bed with Ginny.

Typically, people tell Ricky he shouldn’t get drunk.

As a therapist, I immediately ask about Ricky’s internal experience. The conversation typically starts with Ricky worrying what his toxic ex will do next. However, the deeper issue of the overwhelming feeling of violation is rarely discussed when the victim is male. This trauma is often instantly dismissed with the toxic line, "He got lucky!"

The truth is that Ginny is a predator. She saw Ricky was vulnerable and knew he could not consent, and would not consent if he were sober. That’s rape.

The reality I see in my practice is that predators can be male or female, straight or LGBTQ. All predators exploit power imbalances, and anyone can be a target.

Sadly, predators get away with sexual crimes because of power. This lesson still hasn’t fully sunk in when the victims are male.

Boys and men are sexually assaulted and/or raped in a variety of high-risk situations:

• In boarding schools
• In all-male religious rites (churches, mosques, temples, etc)
• As part of gang initiation
• When a victim of another crime such as mugging or robbery
• In prison
• In the military (as punishment and/or initiation)
• In war

Studies suggest that 1 in 6 men suffer rape & sexual assault at some point in their lives.

Fact: in England and Wales, men were not recognized legally as victims of rape until 1994.

I believe the official stats are a massive under-reporting. My clinical intuition and experience suggest the true numbers are far higher. As men typically don’t report being sexually harassed or groped, I believe the number of men who have experienced an unwanted, persistent, or frightening sexual experience is far higher, likely reaching 7 or even 8 out of 10.

The Path Forward: Breaking the Silence

So what do we need to do? Speak up. Shine a light on what goes on. Once we kill the taboo, we have a shot at making effective change.

Talking is scary, but talking helps.

You don't have to carry this alone.

Many men live with the quiet weight of trauma; memories or experiences they rarely speak of. Over time, that burden often shows up as stress, anxiety, or a feeling that you’ve lost yourself. .

You might think, “Other people had it worse,” or “I should be over it by now.” But if it’s affecting your life today, it deserves care. .

In therapy, you’ll have a safe, private space to unpack what’s been sitting heavy for too long. Together, we’ll find ways to ease that pressure, steady your emotions, and help you feel like yourself again.

If you’re ready to finally break the silence, let's talk about taking the first step. Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.

Should You See Family You Can't Stand? A Therapist's Perspective

It shocks people when I say this, but it’s true: not all parents love their children. That’s hard to hear in cultures that put family first, and I see the consequences of it in my practice all the time.

What I See In My Practice 

Over a decade of working with clients worldwide has taught me one thing: family harm comes in many shapes. Some clients are survivors of trafficking. Some have suffered sexual abuse, including incest. Others face less obvious but equally damaging harms:

• Parents who demand all their money.
• Parents who threaten to disown a child for choosing a partner.
• Parents who use a child’s name to run dodgy businesses or take out loans.
• Parents who control through guilt, manipulation and prolonged emotional abuse.

If any of that rings true for you, you are not alone.

"Family Always Loves": Myth vs. Reality

In 2016 there were 10.1 million child trafficking victims — children made up 25% of modern slavery victims. Studies show that 41% of trafficked children are sold into sexual exploitation (54%) and forced labour (31%) by family members. Source · Source

These figures are extreme examples, but they’re important: they cut through the gaslighting. If you were raised to believe “all families are loving,” the statistics are proof that family harm is real — and sometimes it comes from those who should protect you.

Why it’s so hard to accept

We’re fed a story about family — “you can always trust your family,” “parents love their kids unconditionally.” That’s not true for everyone. Life isn’t Disney. Some parents simply can’t or won’t be loving.

When parents act like ATMs

Many of my clients come from countries where family obligation is expected — Pakistan, India, Malaysia, Singapore and parts of Africa — and where children are taught to be providers. 

Important: this is due to economics. In much of the West, people pay taxes into a government system that supports strangers in need. In many other countries, there’s no public safety net. Families themselves are the safety net. When someone is in trouble, the help is personal, and money flows within the family.

Neither system is 'good' or 'bad' - it's just different. But it has a huge impact on how we live and think about family. 

If family support is given with love, it can be a beautiful thing. But when parents treat children only as ATMs and if they demand money and labour through emotional blackmail, bullying or threats, that’s not love. That’s exploitation. And in those cases, the failure is theirs, not yours. Protecting yourself and stepping back can be the most sensible, healthy choice.

But if you don't have a public safety net, your choices will be affected too. Understanding that, and working with it so you have good options, is part of my daily work. But as mindset is the first step to living your best life, we'll get back to options in a moment after we talk about:

How sensible thinking looks

As children we often assume that if our parents don’t love us, we must be at fault. That’s not sensible. A clearer way to think is this:

When your parents don't care for you, it’s not a failure in you — it’s a failure in them.

Practical sense over pressure

People will tell you you’ll regret not spending time with family. That’s not always true. If being with them costs your peace, health or safety, staying away can be the right thing to do.

Ask yourself, honestly: “Why am I spending my limited time and energy on this? When I’m 80, will I regret not using that time for people who love me back?”

My own short story (why I understand)

I know this pain personally. Before I trained as a therapist I wasted years trying to fix parents who could not be fixed. I regret the time and emotional labour I lost. This experience helps me connect with clients who want to protect their lives and build healthier relationships.

Your options (there is no one right answer)

People choose different paths depending on the harm involved, the cultural pressures, and practical realities. All of these are valid:

• Stay in contact but set firm boundaries.
• Rotate between low contact and fuller contact as suits you.
• Go no contact if that’s what keeps you safe and well.
• Take legal or practical steps where finances, identity or safety are at risk.

Questions to ask yourself before you agree to a visit

If you’re wondering whether to see family you can’t stand, these practical questions will help you decide:

• What will I actually gain by going?
• What will I lose — time, money, energy, peace, or safety?
• When I’m older, will I feel I invested my life wisely in people who loved me back — or that I wasted time on those who didn’t?
• Could I connect in safer ways (short visits, calls, strict boundaries) instead of sacrificing my well-being?

Some clients stay. Some choose low contact. Some walk away. All of those are sensible responses to different realities.

How I help

If you’re juggling cultural pressure, guilt, practical consequences or safety concerns, I can help you think clearly and act with courage. In our work together we’ll look at:

• Immediate safety and practical realities (finances, identity, legal steps).
• The psychological effects of family harm — guilt, shame, fear and grief.
• How to set boundaries that actually work (and when no contact is the healthiest option).
• How to build a life that gives you love and meaning — with or without family.

Ready to decide what’s right for you?

If you’re stuck, you don’t need to work it out alone. Together we can untangle the guilt, cultural expectations and fear so you can choose the path that keeps you safe and sane.

Message me today via email ellen.whyte@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +44 7514 408143 for your free 15-minute consultation.

Please note: I don’t provide crisis or rescue services. My work is focused on helping people who are now safe but still struggling with the emotional wounds of family harm, or those who are considering their options and want support in thinking things through. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please contact your local emergency services or local safeguarding authority.